A revelation I had about online dating...

Post Reply New Topic

I think the idea of online dating is good. The theory of it.

In some ways, it's good to be proactive about finding a partner. Because Mr or Miss Right isn't going to come and knock on your door while you're collapsed exhausted on the sofa watching House or CSI while eating pizza in your pyjamas after a long, hard day at work.

And lots of people have jobs or live in places where they don't necessarily get to meet lots of people, and it can be difficult to expand your social circle once you get to a certain age or you're quite settled in your job (or not working) or settled where you live.

Most opportunities for meeting large numbers of new people are when people go away to university, and when they start a new job, or move to a new town. If none of those things apply, then signing up to an online dating service can increase the possibilities.

But also, it's not necessarily just about the numbers game, the more people you chat with or meet, the greater chance you have of meeting someone special. There is the issue that online dating enables people to filter in or out for particular interests or other 'deal-breaker' issues. To a certain extent, you can do similar stuff in real life, go to a pottery or Spanish class, or find a hikers group, or whatever, and you can find people with similar interests. But that's not always possible or convenient.

However, as people have commented in other threads, people aren't always what they seem on online dating sites. There are proper scammers. But there are also people with whom, erm, let's say, misunderstandings can arise over email and chatting online. People can say things they don't necessarily mean, and just because it's online it doesn't seem to count in the same way. Different rules seem to apply to online dating. And I don't necessarily 'get' those rules.

I turned to online dating upon realizing that there was no possible way to find someone I was the least bit compatible with at night clubs and such (ok, I only went to one once, after being depressed over a breakup, but I didn't tell my friend that was why I wanted to go), and school proved to also be useless as any guy who I did date from there ended up being a jerk. At least with online dating, you can get to know them before ever having to meet them in real life, so you won't waste time with people you know you won't be compatible with. With everyone I dated who I met in person, they didn't really know me at all before we got into a relationship, so it always ended badly.
I met my boyfriend online, not because I couldn't get a date offline, but because I couldn't find anyone worth my time offline. I looked through dozens of profiles before I even decided to talk to him (I wasn't going to waste my time on guys who didn't seem like they'd be compatible with me, otherwise I might as well have just stuck to settling for whoever asked me out irl.) I was just being realistic in realizing that there aren't a lot of people remotely like me in my daily life, so the chance of finding someone who could tolerate me for more than a month or two was slim to none.

Say you go to a bar and meet someone. So what, you met them face to face, but how much do you really know about them, other than the fact that they are "hot"? Yes, people do lie online, but they lie offline just as much. At least online you have the option of never meeting someone if they seem like creepy or something, and don't have to worry about them following you home or something. You simply block them on AIM or whatever and never have to worry about it again. If you're smart about online dating, it's actually safer than trying to meet someone offline, and you're more likely to find someone who is actually compatible with you since you get to read their profiles before deciding who you want to try to get to know. Much more efficient than randomly hitting on people.

Hi. I posted the following on MySpace about 18 months ago.

4 months later I met my beautiful man in a forum on facebook. Incidentally, he has completely changed my mind about procreating so, as described in said post, a rant entitled, "Why I choose not to procreate" is no longer forthcoming (though I could tell you all the reasons why I shouldn't, I hadn't thought of the reasons why I should, and now have.

It's long and sounds kind of harsh, but I was feeling kind of that way at the time.
And it by no intention poses judgement upon those who choose to use online dating services.

Here goes....:

Connected Consumption of Dried Palm Fruits OR Online Dating.

Having just come back "on the market" after a close to four-year sojourn into domesticity (in truth I cannot say domestic bliss because contentment and security were there, but little bliss), I thought I would cruise the Internet Dating sites to see what appeared to be out there.

Let me make it clear that I never have any intention of responding to any of them, it's just an exercise in observation. Friends have met lovely people on Internet Dating sites. I, on the other hand, have always thought online dating was tacky and would never admit to posting on there myself. So I thought I would look at the ones with at least enough dignity to forgo the photograph, hand-held and taken with the camera-phone in the back yard whilst Mum/Wifey/Housemates/Girlfriend are in the shower/shopping/at uni/working.

First I eliminated all of those who could not spell – spelling and grammar are both very important to me (see below). Then I eliminated all of those under the age of 33, or over the age of 45, just because I don't want a granny grabber or a sleazy older man (No offence intended to folks outside this age group – men who are too much younger than me make me feel old, and men who are too much older make me feel intimidated. It isn't a judgement, it's just how I feel).

Tough when you're smack dab in the middle (in the words of the great Ry Cooder).

Then I eliminated smokers, because I quit quite some time ago and don't think it would be very easy to stay quitted with someone popping outside every hour or so going, "Just nickin' out for a durry." - the temptation would be far too great. I also eliminated those men who have children because to me, children mean ex-wife (or partner), and ex-wife means baggage. My "Why I choose not to procreate" rant, I am certain, will become the subject of at least one of these tirades.

Next, I sought out those whose religion was "Other". My religion is Wicca, or Paganism. Unfortunately on the Internet Dating site I was looking on, there wasn't an option for my religion, only the "Other" button, so other Pagans would have to select that.

Do you realise how few boy-witches there are? Do you realise what percentage of those are in my designated age group? Do you realise what percentage of those boy-witches (I really should be saying "man-witch" shouldn't I, in the tradition of the great Happy Madison Productions' "man-whore") do NOT have questionable ethics? I am not certain that in the end, if I went through the whole of Australia, that I would find a single one to match my criteria.

So what I've decided to do is be completely honest.

Hypothetically speaking, my Internet Dating Profile might look like this:

Cynical but jovial, intelligent, passionate, optimistic but firmly grounded, moderately attractive ex-goth musician-born boho Wiccan Chinese Medicine Practitioner vocalist torn between rampant hedonism and clean living seeks man-witch to practice Tantra with.

Criteria: Must be fluent in English (accurate spelling and grammar a must), be able to read numerous books in a year (and enjoy them), preferrably not *only* schlock horror (like Stephen King), and have formidable verbal, emotional and written (typed also) communication skills. Must also have deep respect for Mother Earth, and not be just saying they're a Wiccan/Pagan to get attention or a shag, or in order to use the connection as a means of psychic attack. Should be willing to travel to Pagan, Folk music, Hippie and Rock festivals, sleep in a tent, and possibly walk around naked covered in mud *without* being completely off their nut on psychoactives. Must enjoy gourmet food and wines, and know the difference between a Shiraz and a Merlot, by taste. No chateau cardboard, VB or Woodstock Bourbon and Cola. Cider, mead, beer and Guinness are acceptible, but not every day. Must eat seafood and be able to enjoy an eye fillet steak for what it is. Preferrably blue. Must not enjoy films about motorcycles or fast cars unless they are biographical stories about Cuban political activists.

No Guns'n'Roses, Poison, Barnsey post Chisel or Robbie Williams. No AC/DC after Bon Scott left. Dimmu Borgir are OK in small doses (if absolutely necessary) but NO Cannibal Corpse. No Madonna, Christian Pop, Christina Aguleira, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, McDonalds, Justin Timberlake, Coke or Pepsi, white chocolate, cheese in a can or manufactured meats such as strazbourg (proscuitto OK).

Must be financially independent - or at least be able to look after himself.

Must cook, or be willing to learn.

Must have Chinese Horoscope of Snake or Ox (apparently they have best compatibility with Earth Roosters).

No Scorpios (unless it's just a fling), Capricorns or Pisceans.

There you go. Picky, ain't I? Asking the impossible?

Incidentally, the man of my dreams, my partner, is 31, smokes, likes motor sports, is an athiest who doesn't say no to tantra, and doesn't cook very well, but tries really hard and learns pretty quickly.

The paragraph is what I was talking about mostly. I don't want to read "I like this" and "I don't want my man to do that". I want to meet my woman, talk to her directly, even if it's just back and forth posts on a forum thread. I would rather have the subject not be about the possibility of establishing a relationship, since there's no way in hell I can make a determination about that immediately after meeting someone. By talking about other areas of personality, I can learn what she's like, and therefore more easily make such a determination. Moreover, since I can get overworked quite easily, it's for the best if there are other parties interacting, since then I don't have to be actively engaged 100% of the time. That's why I like to be friends first, before getting into exclusive situations. Plus, once I know some things about her personality, my long-term memory kicks in and can recall those details at a moments notice to provide some information to play off of, making my job easier...

"it's simple , it's because when a guy using online dating that means that he's unable to find dating in real life ,so surely this guy has one of these traits at least:
-Very ugly
-Lacks confidence
-Poor with no car
- Lacks basic social skills ---> that's mainly our problem.
- Psycho/Alcoholic
- Very bastard and jerk personality with no physical beauty to compensate
- Harasser""

So he surley does, does he...
Well, i`m sorry to tell you...no, I`m not sorry,
i`ll just tell you that you are wrong. Maybe this
fits you, but dont pull it over other mens heads
and say "this is true" I have met woman
online and dated them, and if you claim that
because of that i fit your description, then
you are an idiot and have no clue. You have
no buisness talking s**t about men like this
I`m leaving, this guy is f-ing pissing me off
with his loads of fresh s**t and right now i just
wish he had the balls to say this to my face
instead of talking crap on the screen

I went online and met a girl and i`m not ashamed
of it. The reason i did it was because when going out
meeting people they want to get into your pants the
firts they do and i dont do that. I want to get to know
people and i was pleased with the way i got to know
her before i met her and she thought that also. So i
was not desperate and neither was she, and it was
not a last option, it was what i chose and anyone
having a problem with it is welcome to step up
I thought it was really nice and i liked it so screw you.

One detail at the end, the girl i met could easily meet
men if going out. But, as she told me, she had more
faith in men who payed to be on a datingsite to look
for someone, she knew they ment it and could afford
it. She didnt meet guys like that when going out,
those were the oposite, she said. So she seeked out
the date sites where you pay to enter and people
are adults, looking for other people in an adult way
and thats what i did also, so we met and got to know
each other in a nice way. Personally, the datesites you
have to pay to use is my choice, it weeds out alot
of groin players and BS because those either
cant afford it or thinks its a waste and moves on
to a free site.

I think that ImTheGuyThatDidThat misunderead my post greatly , I said "ONE of the traits at least" , he assumed that I was saying that he has all these listed traits while he has only one which is the lack of social skills (since he's aspie).

from what I've observed about dating sites in Sweden and in the UK- most people on there are pretty attractive, pretty busy and only interested in easily obtainable sex. it's not a place to find a partner, it is a place to get laid.

don't know about the States though.

^ It's the same way here. Actually here the internet is not just a place to get laid, but also an STD.