Long distance relationship: Being open about it

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Oh we actualy text/talk via phone more than we talk online. Partialy because her laptop crashes alot (she's getting a new one this christmas though) and partially because its nice to be able to talk anytime not just when we're on MSN; not the point of obession mind you, but it is nice to not have to be tied to the computer when talking with her.

I had an issue with someone I was interested in. It turned out very well at first, and she and I had met in person a few times.

She asked if I wanted to take things to the next level, and I said yes. But the very next day, she said she wouldn't be ready for a relationship for a while, and that distance was going to be an issue (we were about to be separated because of school--the distance would be about 300 miles).

So I backed off for a few months. But she suddenly went from e-mailing me once a day to only contacting me once a month. After I posted about it on WP (I met her on WP), she mentioned that my personality wasn't good enough, and I wasn't communicating well enough. It takes her a month to answer my e-mails, yet she says that *I* can't communicate? She reiterated that distance was continuing to be an issue, despite me transferring to a new college that was closer to her (I transferred because I was changing my major and the school I was going to at the time didn't offer the field of study I was switching to). This school was only about 100 miles from her, as opposed to 300.

She says that personalities never change, but hers changed 180 degrees. She told me that my personality wasn't good enough, yet she told an online friend of mine that my personality was fine. She told him a completely different story than what she told me. She said that direct communication was vital in a relationship, but she had been doing exactly what she accused me of doing. She suddenly went from being a very open and friendly person, to someone who is standoffish and constantly act as if she has something to hide.

I've had three of them but I can't say I'm an expert.

I'm not going to critisize anyone, don't get me wrong.

You just got to be prepared to pick up your things and leave your family behind when it gets too serious, you got to be prepared for anything, anything that can and will go wrong. I love a boy majorly right now but I let it fail, I let him go, because I have mental issues and it was tearing him and his family apart, making them stressed and hurt. I couldn't deal with them hurting any longer and now, they hate my guts because they think I did this on purpose, they think I planned it, they think I did it for attention, also they think I did all of this s**t just to make my former boyfriend suffer. Well, they will find out later and understand what I did was out of love(If not, he will). Love is such a strong, yet complicated word. I can't hold a boyfriend no more than five minutes, I'm not good with relationships, at all.

My only relationships(and experience) has been online and need to say, I won't do it again. Not after this boy I madly fell in love with. It could of gone all the way if I hadn't let him go the day before his birthday(yeah, bad timing and he's also upset about that. He doesn't believe a word I say). My relationship ended last week on December 7th/9th(He put us on hold on Sunday because he couldn't handle it anymore, if I didn't get help right then, he was going to leave. I felt betrayed but I didn't have the courage to tell him that because he would feel guilty and I didn't want him to go through the pain to get to the positiveness.. He deserves better. I broke it off on Tuesday... we were together for 2 months and 2 weeks. I dunno if this makes a difference but he also had Asperger's).

I had a boyfriend at the age of 12yrs old but yeah, that lasted four years. Four years WASTED of MY life!

Like that Hilary Duff song says: "After I think about all the time I wasted, I could cry," I could actually cry.

Anyway, don't get into a Long Distance Relationship ONLY IF you can't handle the changes that you will face.

LDRs aren't for everyone(not to say your relationship is going to fail. I don't know if it will or not, that's up to you and the partner). I only know ONE LDR that's working. They are engaged and I wish them all the happiness in the world. They can handle it, they can get through it.. but some people can't.

AND be careful, you never know who that person could be behind the curtain(My 2nd and 3rd one were more real than the 1st. 1st is too personal, let's just say that he was a liar from the beginning and I was living in the fantasy world of where "He loves me, he wouldn't hurt me, he blahblah" s**t). Just be careful to all you LDRs out there. Make sure they are telling the truth and make sure that they aren't some idiot.

And yes, I'm very much hurting from this last relationship but I love him so much that I'm going to have to let him go. I put his happiness above my own, he and his family can hate me if they wish but I won't allow them to suffer for my problems... anymore.

If you think I'm an idiot, please say so.
If you don't, then thanks for your support, because in my heart, I know I'm doing the right thing. He means a lot to me, from the very beginning he did til now and forever more. Thank you for listening, chow.

Of course I would rather somebody live nearby, but I would rather connect with someone first.

Locationwise, I am tied down only by school, and even then, I graduate about a year from now.

I would get your things done(the me things, like school and such, jobs and all that) before even moving near to this person. And be careful and cautious, meet in a public place... Mall is PERFECT since people are ALWAYS walking around and you are in plain sight.

Depends on how you two communicate to know if he's real or fake, in my opinon. I know my boyfriend(3rd) was real because he had a mom, he had a dad, brother and sister and he was sent to the hospital(which scared the bejesus out of me) and such, there was a lot of things that proved he was real.

Do you have any evidence? Again, I'm not trying to put down your relationship or anything, I swear, just trying to be of some use.

Kitty2020, you have some good input. However, at 17 there is much, much more to experience, and would caution you from trying to make up your mind or to pass judgment on your past right now. You've had four years of experience, albeit at pubescent love, which is more than many have, more than I had until I was into my twenties. Those years aren't wasted, as long as you learn from them, remember them - you decide their worth, their value, their effect on your life. Everyone has issues... and while I appreciate that you were trying to protect them from hurt, consider this - you substituted definite and emotionally terminal hurt for the potential hurt of being involved with someone who has mental and/or emotional trouble. I don't think you're an idiot, by any means; I think you've taken a very selective view of your world and your options, but that is your choice. You're quite apt in the statement that LDRs aren't for everyone; also, relationships evolve, requiring either proximity or dissolution. I'm moving cross country to be with the woman I love; we've been best friends for eight years, but for us to continue in the direction we desire, the distance must be erased. I hope you take some time to reconsider; I'm not hoping you'll change your mind, only that you will think about what is going on and try to see different perspectives. I am sorry to hear that the first LDR was less than honest and open; you've learned from it, and are now sharing that with others. The experience of dating is fraught with pain, deception, and suffering - there are a lot of less-than-honorable people in this world - but if you're willing to persevere, then there is a beautiful opportunity out there.


M.

Very well put.

I've had more than four years. four years lasted with the first, 4 and a half months almost with the second, 2 months and 2 weeks with the 3rd. LDRs aren't for everyone. I will never change my mind about LDRs. Never. Not again. I changed my mind for the 3rd one but I've never had a face-to-face relationship. Of course, the distance must be erased, yeah. Only people who can handle a LDR should be in one, not the ones who can't.

I don't think relationships are for me, though, I really don't because they don't agree with me. I'm like yes then no, then all the way inbetween. My mental status gets worse when I'm in one. So there. I might get with someone again(I know I will, lol) but I'm not going to until all my Me Stuff are done(like school and such).

And, I'm happy for you and your girl. I wish you all the best of happiness in the world but LDRs are not for me. I would of gone far and wide to be with my 3rd former boyfriend but I couldn't bare him go through so much turmoil because of my mental status, I couldn't even talk about it with him because it drove him crazy and that was hard for me because I couldn't talk to the one person I love about it. I have more reasons for doing what I did, but, letting him go to be happy was one of the highest reasons why I did. I couldn't bare him to go through my pain anymore.

And yes, those relationships are something you learn from, I totally agree. When they don't work, you learn from them not to do it again. I agree totally, but still, I wish I was never in them at all and at the same time, I'm glad I was because I learned from the mistakes I made.

Every person, every situation is different. You're observant to know that you're suffering as the result of your relationships now, but I must must must warn against making long term decisions right now. Be flexible, be patient. Get to know people in person and invest in friendships. LDRs are -not- where I suggest learning about relationships; they are inherently strained, involve complicated levels of communication, demand a lot of time and emotional investment, and is prone to attract those with deceptive practices. Love is a curious thing... when immersed in it, we are willing to walk the path with other person, regardless of sun or rain, happiness or pain. To decide for another is a hurtful thing, regardless of the motivations. Remember that you choose what you learn from your experience; there is more there than a guide to abandonment. Hope things continue to get better for you as you progress and take care of yourself and your goals. Be patient.


M.

I will be with someone again, just not right now.

Thank you very much. My father died before I got married and my mother no longer speaks to me because of it, and many other family members feel the same way. Her ethnic background isn't quite the same as mine(although by looking at her you wouldn't know it), so that has caused alot of friction. I prefer my happiness over their approval any day.

When I met my wife, neither of us were looking for someone in fact, she didn't want to be involved with anyone and I had pretty much decided there was no chance of there being anyone out there for me. We met in a forum about a common hobby of ours and swapped tips about it for a while, then started swapping computer tips, then started talking about where we lived, where we came from, our lives, etc., and something just sort of happened.

We found what we wanted when we weren't looking I guess.

It wasn't so much the distance that irked me about my friend, but it was rather the remarks she made about me not having a good enough personality--because I asked for advice on WP on how to handle the sudden change in frequency of communication, rather than wait a month to hear from my friend directly.

Not wanting to wait a month for information does not constitute a serious personality flaw.

It's interesting and nice how deep, successful relationships blossum from seemingly nowhere.

I don't beleve in fate, but it's still interesting almost kinda worrying how I wouldn't have met the girl I love if it weren't for a string of events happening when they did.

That almost disowning by your family sounds very serious indeed, I do wonder how much of it is because of the racism. I think your parents would've accepted your lover by now, especially conidering that you're happy married and it's not like she's a bad influence or anything on you. But hey I don't know your family.



Oh yes that remindes me of an aspie girl here I had a relationship with (though it never got into the 'serious' stage) for some time. It was great having convosations with her as we had some much in common it was almost uncanny. But her social anxiety made her take a long time to reply and also made it hard to sensibly gauge how serious our 'relationship' was. It also made her not want to hang around forums and other websites for too long.

It was nice to see that she was trying to not let her anxiety affect us, which was clear by the way that she stayed in contact with me for much longer than she ever done on another website, and even publicly saying how I've made her more confident socialy. But even thuogh she genuinely tried, it still killed whatever relationship we may have had. When I finaly decided that she'd probably never contact me again, I actualy took it very well. Not that I was happy or anything about it, but having been distanced from her (both physicly and socially) for some time made me realise that she was more like a perfect friend rather than a perfect lover. I wonder if I'm right on that, or if sometime down the line my previous emotions will return and I'll scream at what I've missed. But even if that WP member did 'come back', I still wouldn't leave my current girlfriend for her.

My parents have always been weird about the marriages of their children. Seems like after one gets married, there's always a big fight and they don't speak for a long time. Sometimes it improves, sometimes it doesn't. My parents I think see one of their children as getting married as their child quitting them to join another family. I just don't get it at all. My wife's family is just the opposite, they enjoyed having me become part of their family. My parents don't see it as someone coming in, they see it as someone going out. It's almost like their children aren't supposed to have lives beyond them. They don't like the competition I guess.

It was a strange turn of events that brought us together too. I thought my problems in life were caused partially by the culture of the city I lived in, and my constant meddling from my parents and sister. I found a job in another city and moved and when I got there, I joined a PC user group and learned more about working on PCs so I was able to do an upgrade on mine and get on the internet, which is where I met her.

She accepts me and loves me as I am, which is more important than anything. She doesn't want me to change, which is something I wish I could say for my parents or the rest of my family.

The thing with her is that she liked many of the things that I liked, *and* she was a Christian. It is extremely rare for a fellow Christian to have the same interests (Simpsons, South Park, artsy indie stuff, etc.) as me. I still have her e-mail address, but I only hear from her once a month now.