To nonvirgin gays & st8s: STOP GLOATING ABOUT YOUR SEX L

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I wouldd never doubt you for a minute that there's a female AS variant... Many times I wish there were more of these female aspies living near me because the NT women around here tend to be real snobby...


Did I impose any "male-as only" profiles anywhere before? The advice I usually give is in AS/NT relationships to the NT partner (regardless of whether the AS partner is male or female), since I know enough of how NT's work to communicate what the AS partner really means in a given situation to the NT partner in a way the NT partner understands.


Oh sure, because the 4 or 5 potentially volatile situations I've defused in NT/AS relationships gone awry and were teetering on the brink of absolute disaster stems from the "lamest high-school locker-room folk wisdom"...

Now who's doing the marginalizing?


What I don't like is people being directly condescending towards me...

I've never said you were gloating... that's only mystyc saying that people were gloating. He would probably accuse me of gloating if he didn't know I was a virgin myself...


And I would prefer to spend my time on PPR or gamer forum, but one of my primary feelings is that if I can't find love for myself, I can at least find it for other people...


I do have to ask the OP: Have you ever been sexually harassed before? I have... In my high school biology class there were 4 women that were constantly hitting on me. They would make so many advances that I felt downright uncomfortable, but the kicker came when I tried to talk to one of them outside the class and they wouldn't even acknowledge my existence, i.e. they were only using me for my brain. That moment made me feel so spiritually violated that it's a wonder I'm still into women...


In addition, talk to a psychiatrist or something... I was in the OP's situation throughout much of high school (although not as serious... I never made it to direct suicidal ideation, although I went through life for several years thinking it was not worth living)... Later my parents dragged me to a psychiatrist and I got put on Prozac for 2 years (real small dose too, something like 10mg), and that improved my outlook on life dramatically...

In short, GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. That's the only kind of advice to give a suicidal person. And remember: Killing yourself is the one decision you can make in life that is truly irreversible... If you take your own life, you can't second-guess yourself after the fact....


Good luck getting Alex to actually make one...

It's painfully obvious when you're trying to be someone you're not, and I know for me at least it's an instant turn off. I'm not talking about trying to be another person; I'm talking about trying to pretend you're different than the way you are.

Some women like men who aren't "charmers". Myself included. Yeah it's fun for a one month relationship but it gets old fast.

If for some crazy reason you did manage to get into a relationship by pretending to be someone else, it sure wouldn't last long. You can't keep a front up forever.

True, but "just being myself" doesn't get me anywhere either. That's why I don't consider it to be valid advice.

As I see it, you have 2 choices. Either keep trying, or give up and accept a life of celibacy. If you're still trying, of course people will try to offer you advice. And of course it will be the people who have had sex.
If it was a book "How to get Laid" by Some Virgin, nobody would buy it.

I haven't noticed much bragging, most sexual comments seem to be just part of the story or a question or problem.

If you seek catharsis, then the Haven is your destination; posts here will be responded to in a less-comforting manner. Alright - what have you tried? At least there you said what was needed; otherwise, I get the impression that others are expected to be mind readers of a sort, predictively knowing your needs.

What you suggest is that only those who are unsuccessful post their experiences, while those who have found relationships, or at the least human contact, keep their mouths shut because of fear of offending those who haven't reached that point. Are you suggesting that we need a virgin/celibate love and dating forum and a sexually active forum? At that logic, there would be hundreds of forums, each with their own very small, private, and stagnant space instead of getting the cross-section created when even a span of those on the spectrum are in one place. If you want to cite examples, please do so - links are preferable as it retains the original context of the post being pointed to. Some people are excited about the changes in their own life; some wish to share inspiration and hope. Some wish to gloat; others desire only to speak out in a place where they feel that they can express themselves... and here you wish to censor. I'm disappointed, I must say.

As of late, the tone of your posts have taken on an attacking form, in terms of those whose opinions or experiences differ from you, the insults hurled in the Anti-Cure thread, for example. I took great exception at your choice of verbage, I must admit, and find this is in that same vein. You are complimented, and you refuse it. You ask for help yet talk frequently of your impending suicide. Can you acknowledge that you, yourself, are not expressing yourself consistently or clearly at times?

The advice cited - being yourself, be kind, be flexible - isn't without merit... but it is up to you to decide to apply it and how. Being yourself doesn't mean to collapse into selfishness or find yourself flawless, but to express the best parts of yourself, to not create a facade when interacting with others. Yes, you will get hurt. Nothing is going to change that, in my own experience; if you find a way, I'd be quite glad to hear about it. As for dating sites... some people succeed, some don't. It is more of a meat market than I care to get involved with, but I've made some great friends on those sites as well. Being patient has been the best thing in my life for finding the person I want to be with. There are no absolute rules, as what appeals to one repels another, so to expect specific advice without context is unreasonable.


M.

I consider "just be yourself" to be valid advice, but also insubstantial. I will always "be myself", but if there's an issue in how I present myself to others that may be holding me back I'd still like to know about it and maybe how to address it.

I have not seen much evidence of gloating in this particular forum, and whenever anyone shows the slightest sign of being happy to be in a relationship or speaking of their happy relationship experiences they're usually ganged upon. Personally I hold female advice as well as male advice in high regard, and hope that anyone with valid insight can stick around.

I don't think there's much "gloating" on these forums, but I kind of see where you're coming from about the advice of sexually experienced people. Many of them being NT or women. I hate to say it, but someone who's been able to naturally obtain sex throughout their lives can't possibly understand the plight of someone who can't. When you hear such advice, it often sounds condesending in a "duh" kind of way.

I've heard similar advice from NT guys who are naturals with women who simply say "be yourself" & "just talk to them". Of course forgetting the fact that they're sociable, charismatic, & already have many traits that qualify themselves as potential mates to most women. "being yourself" only works if you already qualify. It can't be assumed everyone is as desirable as you are.

Thank you for your detailed reply to my post. I will try to be more sensitive. Tho OP was right to post here if he finds something objectionable and wants to say so. But he lashes out & then withdraws & is emotionally isolated.

He wants someone to help him but he is angry and doesn't know how to ask or take help. I don't care what I post or am asked to stop posting. What is distressing that he is suicidal but won't talk about it. Or for him to imply that the things we say about sex might drive him to it.

I don't care if people don't value my advice, but I don't want to hurt anyone.

Having AS, and social anxiety, I understand exactly why "be yourself" sounds hopelessly trite. But it is true.

Maybe a better way to put it is, as I like to say, be yourself but a better self. If you're not getting anywhere and want to work on yourself, instead of refining phony pick up line approaches, work out & get a healthy glow. Practice ways to talk about your special interests in short, charming ways. When someone lights up about a special interest it can be charming, if they don't lecture. Practice smiling and think about optimistic things to try to share with people. These are the elements of charm.

A pick up line script, like any script, seems comforting b/c it is an algorithm. But if your body is in shape and you have a healthy glow & at least one great smile in your arsenal, you are projecting yourself in the best possible light wordlessly.

All of the advice I give out is intended to be accessible for AS. I can't memorize lines and act out roles. I can't put on attitudes & head-game people.

this topic is stupid. of course you will have to be able to have to decifer humor, as most aspies lie about there sex lives because they dont get any

DUH!

The half-hour walks to and from my college each day are my only form of exercise, so if you suggest that doing an additional run would make me more approachable then I will try this out for a couple of weeks and see how it works. When I was a teenager I was put down by a couple of girls on different occasions for smiling at them too much. That hasn't stopped me, but in any case I don't think not smiling is really an issue. I think I have my obsessiveness under control, but my biggest special interest topic in college is maths and I find that particularly hard to sell to people (outside of the maths department).

I agree about speaking to other people as if from a script. I guess I have a tendency to do this (not with what I'd call "pick-up lines", though) if I feel I want to get to know the other person better, and the other person being an attractive woman is one strong motivation for me, but I don't think I come across as very comfortable when I do it. I never was a good actor.

I have sex with 10 different women every day, I'm bragging about how lucky and manly I am.

Is it just me or has there been a lot of weirdness going on lately?

Maybe it's all the X-mas shopping or aspies just don't know how to handle their own meltdowns so they take it out on that which they covet.

All I have had to "gloat" about is occasional positive interactions with women here and there. I know I have posted occasionally about such interactions but it's nothing to boast about.

i havent seen anyone gloat about there sex lifes on WP..
But.. wait thats the adult forum?
Oh okay then.. I'll check it out sometime tomorow (im 17 tomorow :p)

But seriously.. gloating about your sex life is pertetic.. i get it enough from nts gloating about ther sex lkife.. so why join in with them?? does it make you feel better about yourself? well it shudnt do..

and okkies this is coming from someone who is 16 and is a virgin. lol, but i do think its perthetic when ppl go on abiut there sex lifes.. wen to be honest it shud be to do with two people.. a special moment surely?

I guess people do it, to try and fit in with the nt people.. make themselves seem more 'normal' they might even be lieing about there sex lifes.. they mite never have had sex before.. people do lie. u no..

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I can attest to this. One of the reasons I don't want to stick around here much longer, and have really cut down contributing to discussions, is because I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings on here when I talk about my current or past relationship, or any sexual interaction I've had with someone else. I'm not a guy, but I've seen an attitude on here toward women, a mentality along the lines of women having it easy and thus being automatically rejected when it comes to relationship or sexual advice. That's not to say everyone on here partakes in that mentality, but it's still noticeable. I'd be shocked if I were the only woman who noticed it.

Anyway, personally, it's been a bit of a downer for me. AS or not (probably not), I came here originally to find out about my two guy friends, one with which I'm in a relationship with. I like to share sexual stories because it could help others as well. But any time I do, I can't help but feel as if I've just made quite a few people bitter and jealous. I have this problem with guys in real life, too. Problem is, it's almost always guys, and it seems to be the guys that gloat the most when they have 'achieved' something sexual. Maybe I'm strange, but I don't feel I've achieved anything because of my sexual experience, except the experiences themselves. It hasn't changed me as a person, deep down. Why is it so profoundly important for some?

On the other hand, the tiny bit of gloating I have seen on here did rub me the wrong way. It seems like a blatant attempt at mending security issues with themselves, which I frown upon. I think everyone who comes here can see at a glance that there are a lot of lonely and sexually desperate people here, and while sharing experiences is one thing, boasting about them becomes like waving a gourmet sandwich in front of a starving homeless man's face in order for the consumer in question to feel more fortunate by contrast. No thanks. But let's also keep in mind that simply discussing personal experiences is not on the same level.