Opposite Side

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I haven't run into that specific example, but I do have to deal with the gross generalizations and over simplifications of NT's on a daily basis. They give a direction that could have a thousand different meanings and somehow expect me to discern the specific one they were wanting. And asking for further input usually results in dumbfounded stares or an argument. I do engineering drawings based off of handdrawn sketches and scribbled notes at work. The situation you describe is what makes my job a lot more difficult than it should be.
And yes, I am constantly surpressing mini-meltdowns over this.

Smart people who think someone is stupid, often use pantomime behavior to show that if the accused stupid person's instruction were carried out, nonsense would result. So Fnord walking up to the wall came off as his mocking her saying it was right in front of him.

"Stupid" was not the operative concept at the time, while "Mocking" is spot-on. I've learned in the 30 years since then to translate "Femspeak" a little better, so that "Right in front of you" really means something like "Look for it somewhere nearby" or "I'm looking right at it." Sometimes both.

I've also learned since then to say something like, "I'm sorry, honey, but I just can't find it" and then sweep her into a hug when she gets too close.

Look at what you're cooking and try and pick a pot big enough to fit it and get enough water to cover it. That should work.

First, as said above, your apparent refusal to do the apparently simple thing the woman asked was interpreted as the woman not pleasing you and you being disrespectful of her as a result. You appeared to be choosing to not be on her side, and declining to see things her way on purpose.

"Hmmmmm, I didn't see it this way. In my mind, I was just asking for further clarification. I didn't know that I was belittling her."

Second, the way you both (i.e. OP & Fnord) went about clarifying had the flavor of belittling the woman's intelligence. Smart people who think someone is stupid, often use pantomime behavior to show that if the accused stupid person's instruction were carried out, nonsense would result. So Fnord walking up to the wall came off as his mocking her saying it was right in front of him. And the OP arguing that there were legitimately multiple interpretations of the "opposite" specification, also seemed like belittling condescension.

"I didn't know that. So, what would've been a better approach to this problem of obtaining better clarification?"

Third, I have similar disconnects with my husband, even though the AS aspect of the interaction originates with me, not him. (These kinds of disconnects can occur with woman AS with NT man, too.) But on occasions when I blow up at my NT husband when we have these kinds of disconnects, those mostly when I'm in the week before I have my period. So whether or not these women interpreted the above as insulting their intelligence or disrespect, they might have been on their periods, to get upset over an implied insult.

"What is the best way to overcome this? How do I get clarification and understanding without sounding like I'm mocking or being insulting?"

I've also learned since then to say something like, "I'm sorry, honey, but I just can't find it" and then sweep her into a hug when she gets too close.

BTW, I wasn't commenting on what your actions were, just how they were probably interpreted. I understand that these incidents were cognitive disconnects. But when they occur the party giving the instructions that were inadequate can feel the other party is passive aggressively rejecting their authority.

As an AS female, I have these disconnects all the time with NT male coworkers, mostly in college, only they don't realize I'm not doing it on purpose, either, just as these women didn't realize you weren't doing it on purpose. The NT males think I'm a stupid woman or a "manipulative female". I get that "manipulative" accusation a lot (and I still don't know how a guy can think a woman is "manipulative" if, as they believe, I'm pretending to not get what they expect me to infer).

I have figured out that some of my sexual harassment problems in the past occurred after I apparently ignored sexual signals and flirting (that I didn't understand at the time). In these occasions, too, the NT male professors that I "rejected" by ignoring their obvious flirting over weeks and months, also started rumors that I was "manipulative", which baffled me at the time because I always did everything they asked, and more. AS aren't capable of being "manipulative" which is pretty sophisticated social behavior. So apparently a lot of cognitive dissonance that occurred between myself and NT males in the workplaces I was in, got assigned to the "manipulative" label, which apparently applies to women who are trying to screw with a guy's head by playing games, stalling and pretending not to understand.

So I understand these disconnects you were describing, I was just saying how they might have been interpreted, not implying that's how I interpret your behavior.



But since she didn't see why you couldn't just pick an "opposite" burner, she would read your requests for clarification as a passive aggressive way to reject her right to tell you to do something to help her. (Some men are like that, unwilling to listen to a woman in anything).



You might say, "I don't know what you mean" or "I'm confused, what burner is the opposite". My husband just stops and confesses, "I don't know what to do". He doesn't use the word "you", as in "your instructions can be interpreted this way and that way". His careful wording ("I") makes him take ownership of our disconnect, which is actually the respectful attitude if the disconnect occurs when I'm in charge of our joint activity.

When someone else is "the boss" in some joint activity, like your girlfriend was being the boss in the kitchen and asking you to do something simple to help her, you're not supposed to argue with the boss. If you were at work and the boss tells you to take something down to the post office, if you ask him for instructions beyond that which he thinks is necessary to figure it out, and then start explaining to him how him his instructions to you were in adequate, the boss would believe that you are rejecting his authority passive aggressively or trying to tell him how to do his job.

When my husband stops & confesses "I'm confused", he takes ownership of the disconnect and uses the kind of words that cannot be interpreted as his passive aggressive refusal to cooperate. Sometimes, when we are doing something together and I'm in charge of it, if he doesn't understand WHY I'm telling him something, sometimes he'll just stop and read off what he is doing. Like if I tell him to pack something in particular and he doesn't get why, he'll just stop and list the things he was told to pack and ask if that's the right thing to do, kind of like getting back in sync.

My husband mostly takes up the slack of our disconnects because he's very good at working with people. His company has put him in charge of projects that have fallen behind budget and schedule, because he can troubleshoot what's not working in the team and get it on track. So when he takes ownership of the cognitive disconnect by confessing "I'm confused", and does strategic things like that, that is his good manager's instinct taking over and compensating for me.

(I just asked him if he thinks he's got me figured out and he laughed and said "F--- no! You're an enigma.")

I love her a lot and I am scared for her.

I will try that method but sometimes I have trouble judging the size of one thing in relation to another.

As an AS female, I have these disconnects all the time with NT male coworkers, mostly in college, only they don't realize I'm not doing it on purpose, either, just as these women didn't realize you weren't doing it on purpose. The NT males think I'm a stupid woman or a "manipulative female". I get that "manipulative" accusation a lot (and I still don't know how a guy can think a woman is "manipulative" if, as they believe, I'm pretending to not get what they expect me to infer).

I have figured out that some of my sexual harassment problems in the past occurred after I apparently ignored sexual signals and flirting (that I didn't understand at the time). In these occasions, too, the NT male professors that I "rejected" by ignoring their obvious flirting over weeks and months, also started rumors that I was "manipulative", which baffled me at the time because I always did everything they asked, and more. AS aren't capable of being "manipulative" which is pretty sophisticated social behavior. So apparently a lot of cognitive dissonance that occurred between myself and NT males in the workplaces I was in, got assigned to the "manipulative" label, which apparently applies to women who are trying to screw with a guy's head by playing games, stalling and pretending not to understand.