Where Do you meet women????

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I have asked myself the same question heeps of times. I guess I am somewhat restricted in saying that I do not want a family and want to keep living a life of frequent relocations and travelling - I fish in a small pond, but I have the opinion that it makes no sense to live a lifestyle I am not interested in just to satisfy a partner. Better look a bit longer for that right girl rather than giving up all I ever wanted to do in life.

Other than that, my whining about politics and arts somewhat imply the girls who would like me would be the ones that are also passionate about these subjects. Others would likely find my talks about that exhausting or boring.

So yeah, concerts are usually good as the mutual love for whatever band is playing is the ideal icebreaker. Sometimes, with some luck, backpacker bars. Online forums can be good, but try to stick to local ones because there is not much point in finding your significant other in a place very far away UNLESS you have the financial means to make the travel. Advertisements on local sites could work although I would be very wary of that and use this as last resort only. Venues with a more artistic audience (poetry readings, open mike nights, etc) may work as well ...

But what I found to be definitely something that does NOT work :
- disco (I hate those places anyway)
- any type of club (good to listen to music and relax, but pointless to have an in depth conversation with girls, as most people are in company of friends and just wanting to have a good time and no in depth chats)
- any type of venue or pub where people go to just have fun and party (nothing wrong with that, but they won't be there to have a good chat generally, plus the drunken behaviour can be uncomfortable for us Aspies as we generally don't cope that well with body language and sarcastic remarks)

College classes are overrated. If you took away the class you usually have nothing in common. I think the best is community college courses, or other places where you are around women of a lower socioeconomic status than you. Why? Because they have less options, are you are going to shine brighter in that context. Usually they have more realistic standards for guys, and are not aspiring to become doctors and pharmacists, so they don't expect the guy to be the perfect man in all areas. This may sound like a negative outlook, but it's true. My last successful relationship was with a single mom on welfare still didn't have her HS diploma. She had sex with me and thought I was awesome. More than I can say for any of the relationships I had with college women.

that wasn't based on her class or expectations she just knew in that moment that there is more to people then meets the eye. Its part of the insights with motherhood that some people take and others discard. Holding yourself lower based on economic class its kind of foolish since I have dated women who are rich and who are poor. Unrealestic expectations are based on the woman and can occur in any group.

Yes, you are absolutely right. I have found that the mysterious and genuine qualities that often come with AS can be quite endearing to women, once one learns some basic social skills.

Personally, I usually meet women through friends/friends' houses or work functions. I have also met a few women at bars, as well.

It might mostly be the choice of bands I see, but nearly all the concerts I've been to have been very male-dominated. The great majority of people attending would be men, and nearly all of the women who've ever caught my eye at such events would be just going with their boyfriends - the exceptions being journalists, who are generally there to take photos rather than talk. I also don't feel comfortable approaching women in groups, and I think if you took a sample of those attending a concert who were just going on their own the results would be even more male-dominated. Most women I've spoken to about concerts appear to be too intimidated to go on their own. I've made many active efforts to seek out fellow loner music nerds at concerts, and they've all turned out to be men so far.

I'm not sure if anyone has a much different account, but overall I've found concerts to be unlikely places to meet new women.

In the past I have mainly met girls through people I know, friends of friends of friends and that kind of thing.

Clubs and bars are a good place to find people with a throwing caution to the wind type of attitude. This is not for everyone though as it can be an overwhelming and unforgiving kind of setting and is probably down to perseverance and circumstances on a given night more than anything. I have been approached by girls in clubs before which is how I met the girl I am currently dating.

Generally though just don't put on any sort of act, be yourself and even the most random everyday situations can become introductions. Be very wary of coming on too strong though, tends to make girls run a mile as soon as it looks like you are smitten with them. n.b This is not the same as not putting any effort in whatsoever just be very careful about appearing outwardly clingy or insecure even if that is how you feel.

I am not trying to be insulting, only relaying something I learned a while ago. Some music tends to have majority appeal to guys and the girls who are there will either be dyed in the wool metalheads who won't pay you any attention because they are too engrossed in the show or the ones who don't really know how they ended up there and are looking very bored with rather pained expressions scanning the room for something more interesting than the stage.

I think concerts in general are a no go as far as meeting people goes, as most people who go to concerts have traveled from somewhere and already have arrangements. This means you will usually get a number at best. Had small amounts of success with the 'don't really know why i'm here' types as they are often locals or off duty venue staff with nothing better to do. Success will be limited if it is actually a show you are interested in however and be prepared to leave mid-song if necessary. I am often at shows I couldn't care less about so I seek out people who have the same level of interest!

Groups of women on nights out are certainly not for the faint hearted amateur, good call there.

Maybe you could try broadening your musical horizons as it is much easier to meet people at nights which aren't so song orientated, focussing mainly on watching a stage.

I remember a time when I wondered why I wasn't meeting any girls at the Ministry and Pantera shows I was attending. I now see the problem with that logic!

How the hell do you study and train social skills? I am in shape and pretty decent looking (usually), and I think my social skills are ... probably OK... it would depend on who you asked, and what day you catch me on... but I am SOL. Women never approach me. I think I come off as quiet or shy (I am quiet but not shy) and maybe this makes me look undesirable.

I think the key is getting out there and playing the numbers game. Girls only rarely approach me as I am rather quiet like yourself, I have yet to work out what the common factor is. I think if you are giving out an aura which says you are open to meeting people and have positive thoughts in your head some will immediately pick up on that. I think the rest is down to pure random factor on the night which means you have be at a lot of nights, just not the same places consecutively as this probably won't instil the right feeling in your own head.

What sort of events are you describing?

I more or less agree with the rest of your post, since I was mainly here to express incredulity at people considering concerts to be places to meet women. I don't expect to find any new women in this manner.

I'm afraid you have to think like the enemy my friend. Do you know what kind of music the girls you want to meet around you are listening too at the moment?

Siblings or female friends can be valuable here but as a rule of thumb I would say clubnights playing current Indie rock/Electro would be a good place at the moment. I don't know what you call these genres in other parts of the world but it would be band like Kings of Leon, Bloc Party, The Knife and Black Keys at the moment I guess. I am probably spoiled here as we have many awesome clubnights.

Failing that any night which has a reputation for playing the newest coolest music i'm afraid. Avoid your towny pop music clubnights though. I would say any night which has a formal dresscode for guys is probably not a great place to begin. Other good ones can be things like dance/drum n bass nights although unless you have hung out with the kinds of girls who frequent these sorts of night you may struggle as it can be difficult to strike up conversation!

In my experience of living with, dating and generally being friends with the Indie rock type girls they tend to be easier to talk to and generally get along with. Friendship is the best thing to aim for. If she wants more you will know, otherwise you have another friend who has friends and friends of friends if you see what I mean?

BBC Radio 1 is normally a good place to start if you want to swot up on current music trends. I would suggest going to the listen again section and going through the playlists for Annie Mac and/or Colin Murray amongst others.

Last edited by RustyShackleford on 03 Jan 2009, 8:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Somebody feel free to reprimand me if I have used too many sweeping generalisations here! Truth is I am just as clueless when it comes to the opposite sex but I have insider information and experience on my side!

I live in Dublin and I'm not aware of any clubs around here that place indie or d'n'b music. The people I've spoken to have told me that all the big ones generally just play what's on the charts, but I can't speak for them since I've only been to a few of them (all of which were exactly as they said). If anyone has any suggestions for good clubs in Dublin I'll keep them in mind.

Besides the music, I found the clubs difficult places to talk to girls (at least on my sort of level) because the music is so loud and the places are so crowded. I've had my ass grabbed on two different occasions but that's the fullest extent of my level of communication with the opposite sex in these places. My not drinking may not help either, or so I've been told.

I'm not sure I'm really into the most popular indie music at the moment. A sample of the bands/artists I've seen over the past few years are Nurse With Wound, Khanate, Acid Mother's Temple, Tortoise, Jandek and Kinski and they were all largely sausage fests. The two biggest bands I've ever seen were Animal Collective and The National, and I'm not really a fan of The National. Both of those shows were very male-dominated too.

On paper I don't have high expectations for a relationship with any girl I meet, and try to play along just being friendly, but in practice things can be awkward especially since I don't have any successful relationship experience to go by. At least that's the best explanation I can offer for my relative lack of female friends, apart from virtually everything I do and have an interest in being male-dominated.

The Portland List:
Libraries
Bookstores
In college classes*
Music Stores
Public Transportation
Movie Theaters
Protests
Malls
Non-profits
Clinics
Restaurants
Parks

*I met a redhead in my writing class in fall term.
She was shorter than me, wore too much eyeshadow,
and wanted to stalk me so bad, we had an argument
one day before class. After, we never spoke again.*

Good luck.

I've tried joining different clubs/groups/activities, but I've never met anyone either. Almost without exception, everything I've ever joined only has other guys. Occasionally, one of the guys will bring their girlfriend and she will be the only female present. I've just moved on I guess.

I meet women where women are.