I won't play the dating game.

Post Reply New Topic

I haven't been part of any dating game ,and most likely will never be. If I understand your first post correctly sunshower, you are trying to gain a possible partner according to terms and situations which are more spontaneous and possibly more adapt to your personality, characteristics etc. Situations which don't specifically subscribe to social norms and any dating etiquette. If that is the case I agree that I would probably take upon such a method aswell, as what is being described as the 'dating game', seems highly innapropriate for someone as socially naive and socially ret*d as myself...

For some bizarre reason, your last line made me laugh. I guess it's the way you put it. I think the 'dating game' is probably highly inappropriate for me too, but for some reason I am attractive to NT guys so I keep getting dragged into it against my will, and I generally end up screwing up majorly and pissing off people as I can't seem to get out of things in a subtle, socially smart way (yep, social ret*d here).

A world without the dating game constantly interfering with my life would be ideal.

Whats this about a dating game?

I'll just stay here and play with my nintendo toys.

In my opinion, you have to be already really into someone before you date them. Not a fan or trial and error in this. Not going to date people to "see if I like them".

I agree. I wish other people saw it this way, so I didn't have to constantly disappoint by turning them down.

...


After a bit of thought, maybe I am a bit wrong here, maybe the guys who have wanted to date me were really into me. Maybe most people can be really into someone faster than I can. It takes me a lot longer than a week of knowing someone to be really into them.

In hindsight I guess it does sound kinda silly maybe you should try and work out a way to make this 'game' work for you. I am sure there would be many people who would be envious of you by being dragged in by your attractiveness. I have no idea how you could possibly achieve this, but it's just a thought. Maybe a post from someone else will provide some suggestions.

Out of the men who approached me first, not a single relationship ever developed. The only relationships that became enduring were the ones where I first approached the man.

I was always a bit put off when a man approached me first, like he was being presumptuous and out of line.

You're right, I should try to make something positive about it rather than just complaining.
I guess I find it hard to be positive about it, because every time it happens I end up being put in the awkward (and miserable) position of having to let someone down and hurt their feelings. I would rather have my own feelings hurt than hurt someone else's, it goes against the grain to be the rejector, and yet I cannot accept when I know I don't have romantic feelings for that person (although I often have friendly ones) because it would be a lie and I cannot pretend like that, not to mention it gives me very strong feelings of anxiety and wrongness.

I guess one way in which I have made it work for me is that I have made a couple of male friends who are very self confident, the popular type with the girls, and we have a great time hanging out, mock flirting (it's a prerequisite with those guys), just being friends really (in an innocent way, I'm not talking friends with benefits or anything), and I never have to worry about hurting their feelings because they've got plenty of girls already.

I don't think I'm ultra attractive really, I think I mainly get dragged in because of my quirks (which apparently make me interesting), and my niceness - I don't seem the type to reject, which makes the rejection coming from me just that much worse.

The truth is, I have to reject every single guy who approaches me in this way because I know none of them well enough to be romantically interested in them.

I find it sad that people have made a "game" out of this. I don't like playing games that involve people and their emotions... I'll stick with first-person shooters, thanks.

my post will be very weak but i will try to contribute.

i eat at a tavern which is a pub really and there are lots of people there. also i have known personally in the past, some people and their relationship courses.

i see people all the time desperately clinging to learned rituals that they think is the recipe for happiness in love.
they dress themselves up so they look good. that is so invalid in my mind. i can hardly express my non identification with it. "mutton dressed as lamb" is a funny saying.

most women there paint their faces and adorn themselves with fashionable trinkets (studs and tattoos etc). they pose in a way they learned from music videos it seems. they pout their lips and thrust their bottom out in a subtle way, while also winking their eyes with false eyelashes and it is just an animal sexual dance like peacocks strutting about.

most men there work out at gyms to get muscles that will appeal to women. they get tans and they get hair styles that they carefully manage.
all for image and presentation.
they wear singlets that they take off early in the night as if they are hot. they are really not "hot" but vain.
they have strong biological urges and they use any means to achieve satisfaction.

when they find their "mate" (from a very small sample size mind you) , they then go through rituals of "romance" where rings are bought and flowers are expected.

the man sees no reason to buy flowers, but he buys them to satisfy what he may think is a silly request.
the woman gets the flowers and she is giddy with appreciation.

that to me is very erroneous in some way.

then they adopt each others interests as if they always had a dormant and unrealized fascination with whatever their suitor is interested in.

(it is fraudulent in my mind.)

they start out so involved with each others pursuits, but they are not being honest, so their battery of creative falsehood runs flat.

they retreat back into their own lives when they realize that they were never liked, but just lusted after.

i hope one day i will encounter someone who i notice looks at things like i do. if i am focused on some random triviality, and i notice some girl also focused on it, i will expect that we will notice each other.

there has to be a valid reason for liking someone and that can not come from simply the fact that you met them.

I think I'll stick to adventure games then...



It seems that you would, over time, like to initiate a relationship with someone who you gathered feelings towards, and hope that these feelings are mutual.

Funny, but I always figured that's the way things worked... Shows how little I know.

Lol, that's just simply ridicules :-/
Men and women are equal, just cause the man asks the girl out dosnt mean he has the word.
And funny enough, that's almost how it is with traditional Turkish weddings now.
Sometimes. if you yourself can't find someone yourself, your parents "go out" and "scout" for girls that "THEY" think would fit with you, and then it's exactaly like that, you don't know much, your on the date and find things out as it goes, if it ain't good you move to the next one. If it works, you begin to see each other more and stuff.
I didn't bother with to many details now.

( my parents are Turkish(I'm an atheist, which they don't know), so they do talk about if I can't find a girl they would "help" me, epic lol -.- . I would rather just first be friends with a person, and if I suddenly begin to have feelings I will do what I can't. But then again that happens rarely to me anyway, takes a long time before I can see people as friends/good friends irl, and I don't open up to just anyone either.

So that dating game thing, it doesn't even match my nature, nor morals.

I get what you are saying Sunshower. It is impossible to be in a onesided relationship for the benefits....the guilt would eat me up. One thing I have learnt though is that my search for "miss right" has changed into "miss most compatible". I do not see this as being untrue to myself, being willing to compromise, or even work at changing things. The key is, she should also be willing to do the same.

I have also chosen to stop dating, but my reasons are slightly different. I wish I had your resolve at your age, but then I did not know I was aspie. There is nothing wrong with friends, but make sure the one you choose will be willing to make room for your "quirks", and not just have them around for amusement.

I know how rigid the dating rules in Aus are. Whe I lived there I wanted to send flowers to a very good friend to thank her for doing me a massive favor. It was completely misinterpreted, and I almost lost the friendship.....thankfully the Aspie honesty helped save it.

It's definitely a sad commentary on society today. Twenty years ago when I first met the lady who is My Missus, we played no games at all. (Of course we were both well out of our 20's which seems to be the age when this game playing takes place.)
It's very sad that young people want one night stands because love is too hard to find. I see this in the horrid movies that are so popular these days.

What I mean is what I explained in my first post on here, guys, for some reason or another, are wired for sexual attraction. You said:

"If you're talking about emotional connection, then wouldn't the same argument apply that you can get that from friends (like you said women can)?"

Well most guys aren't terribly emotional, and like I said, we are mentally wired to desire women sexually. Guys don't really seek emotional "connection" romantically, there might be parts where they do become emotionally connected with a girl, but primarily their body is yearning for sex or at least some aspect of it. Even nice guys who date girls who they find attractive easily get "excited" just by being around them.

Here is my belief on guys and "emotional connection". It is my belief that guys can have strictly platonic friendships with girls, however to ensure that the relationship does not reach a sexual plateau, their girl friends must be in some way unattractive to the point where a guy isn't sexually interested in them, be it physically or intimacy wise.

Guys who have girl friends whom they find sexually attractive with almost ALWAYS at least try to date them, because the temptation to abandon friendship and go into romance is so strong. Like I said before, it is a hunger that doesn't go away until it's filled.

So in esscense, what I'm saying is that guys can have more friendships with girls, but it isn't going to lessen or negate their sexual urges. In fact, if the guy has physically attractive girl friends, he's going to burn even more with lust because his body yearns for it, and sooner or later he'll try to start something romantically with her. Only when a guy finds a girl friend either physically or personality wise unattractive in some way, can he keep the platonic relationship working. It would make sense that if women thrive on emotional connection that men would too, but that's not the case.

After reading your response, I can understand why you say "If a guy wants sex from a girl, then I think he should keep that seperate from relationships". However, that boundary is easy for a guy to cross because he's hungry and he's hornier than a triceratops, especially around women he finds attractive. You're viewing this emotionally, as most girls view love, for guys, it is a sexual/romantic need, an emotional connection is optional, it doesn't have to be there. I know I'm giving guys a bad rep, but in the end, whether gentleman or pervert, we are wanting sex to release our sexual frustrations. In the mean time, things like making out, cuddling, or any other number of non sexual approaches will suffice, but in the end, we're probably going to go after what our body yearns for.



I agree that you should pursue someone romantically if you're actually in love with that person as well, however this is one of those emotional reasonings that girls have, this notion of "true love". Guys don't abide by the same reasoning, like I said, it is a need to be sexually/romantically satisfied, it isn't about emotions, it is about satisfying needs. Guys on this forum complain constantly about being alone and single and how most girls only go for the bad boy types. Why are they complaining? Because they aren't in a relationship with attractive women, whom they can release at least some of their sexual urges on, be it making out, foreplay, or sex. They're not thinking "I want a girlfriend because I want to connect with her on an intimate level as a trustworthy friend and a lover secondly". They are thinking "I need a girlfriend because I am alone and I burn with lust and desire. I need a girlfriend to satisfy these urges primarily, and secondly be friends with her secondly.

Matter of prioreties, my friend:

Guys (romantically speaking)

1. Physical attraction
2. Sexual attraction to a girl and possibilities
3. Emotional connection and intimacy

(There are exceptions to this, but generally, I believe this is how it goes priorety wise)


Women (romantically speaking)


1. Physical attraction
2. Emotional connection/intimacy
3. Sexual interest

As you can see, emotional connection is MORE important than sexual interest in women, although there are exceptions, but rare among them.

I prefer my PC, DS or PSP...

*having a headache after reading all these analysis**

urgh....I am going back to retry to beat the last dungeon in Zelda hourglass one more time today....

I don't think the "dating game" is as bad as many people make it out to be. The worst somebody can say to you is "no". Learning to accept rejection, get over it, and try again is an essential part of life. Everyone got rejected at some point- be it romantically, while doing business, etc etc.

Either way, at least making an attempt to get out there and interact, whether or not you get rejected, still has a greater possibility of leading somewhere (be it love, sex, or both) than staying home and playing video games by yourself.

If you have unfulfilled romantic or sexual desires, get out there and do something about it. Even if you get shot down by everybody you approach, at least you made the best attempt that you could. Spending every night in front of a computer screen is not an attractive quality in a mate of either gender, especially if the person then chooses to complain about their romantic situation and how the "dating game" is unfair to them and their sensibilities. Even if you choose not to engage in the dating game, picking up a few hobbies where you have to actually go out and interact with the opposite gender still has a greater probability of leading somewhere than doing nothing at all. The dating game, and the world in general, will not change to accomodate each person's individual feelings and sensibilities.

Waiting around for a totally gorgeous woman to come along who is willing to overlook basic primal physical attraction for a quirky personality or a high intelligence quotient (hence the "bad boy getting chosen over nice guy" argument), and loves nothing more than spending every night discussing advanced metaphysics principles and playings Gears of War, will never lead anywhere.

Isolationist hobbies rarely lead to wild, passionate love affairs. Life is too short to be an observer and not a participant.