I'm an NT girl falling for a guy with AS...i need advice

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CelticGoddess
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21 Jan 2009, 10:41 pm

sunshower wrote:

Don't worry, just go for it, and encourage him to do the same.

One of our biggest problems as aspies is that we tend to overthink things (as evidenced by the responses to this thread :lol:

LOL

PhR33kY
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21 Jan 2009, 10:55 pm

danceyourdance wrote:

i've discovered that with him he likes to talk alot about his intrests, but he also asks me about social stuff and how to act, or to tell him if i think he is being rude.

its amazing the difference between him online/texting and him in person.

i know at some point i'll have to ask him if he likes me the same way i like him
cause usualy guys at this point catch on.

I have a feeling he likes you.

I think if you want him to stop talking just about his interests, then tell him (GENTLY! He wants to get to know you, not drive you away, after all, and I think he'd appreciate the help.). If he's asking you to critique him a lot, then I'd be willing to be that he's trying to be extra careful that he doesn't scare you away or offend you by unknowingly doing something weird.

You'll find that aspies can be much more "normal" texting, writing, and IMing because they do not have to worry about non-verbal cues at all and can rely entirely on verbal communication, where they are fine, and even excel. The pressure to be an NT can make an Aspie much more awkward than he otherwise is. This is even more true around people that an Aspie really wants to get to know (such as a crush). Of course, that part's just me speaking for myself, unfortunatly. Usually, the more comfortable an aspie is around others, the more anamated and less strange he behaves.

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PhR33kY
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21 Jan 2009, 11:07 pm

danceyourdance wrote:

haha i know he overthinks stuff
he will obess over some of his small failures or mistakes...i try and remind him that its okay to not be the best or to forget and move on sometimes.
he did reveal to me that he feels that he overthinks some social situations and always imagines the worst.
i over advice but i'm not a expert myself.

That's exactly how I used to be, at least, the over-thinking and being very hard on myself (I really suck at sports). If you find he's over-thinking something, don't be afraid to just say, "Dude, you're over-thinking the situation, chill out." It worked for me.

Since then I've grown less critical of myself and think less about situations. There's a chance he will too.

And don't worry about not being an expert. None of us are either! :lol:

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TheMidnightJudge
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21 Jan 2009, 11:50 pm

Definitely go for it. Cut some slack for aspergers but at the same time remember a lot of what he doesn't know he can learn.

Being direct about your intentions is important, although it may not fit your definition of romance.
I remember a girl who would always try to drop these hints. In hindsight they seem incredibly obvious, but between autism and insecurity (and some other factors not relevant to your situation) I either missed them or couldn't act on them.

As far as touching, I personally have enjoyed what little physical contact I've had with a girl. But there was awkwardness. Awkwardness should decrease with experience.

Autism and character both vary a lot, so I can only say so much with relative certainty. Good luck!

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ike
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22 Jan 2009, 12:52 am

danceyourdance wrote:

i've discovered that with him he likes to talk alot about his intrests, but he also asks me about social stuff and how to act, or to tell him if i think he is being rude.

Yeah, expect him to ask for more feedback than other people ask for. This is primarily because he'll have difficulty interpreting non-verbal feedback, so whereas another person may just see the expression on your face or hear the tone of your voice and have a good idea what's up right away, he's more likely to be either unaware or confused, so he'll need to ask for verbal confirmation often. I only noticed after I read an article that mentioned this that I have a habit of asking for feedback directly and likely ask for feedback from people more often than others.

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ike
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22 Jan 2009, 1:05 am

Kangoogle wrote:

ike wrote:

Kangoogle wrote:

Quote:

what should i watch out for?

Damaging him emotionally.

I think this could use some elaboration. I don't think you should make yourself walk on eggshells in fear of hurting his feelings.

I chose not to deliberately at this point, for one we know nothing about him asides that he is an Aspies. Really you have generalised here and badly.

Nope. I have generalized very well here.

Quote:

Here are a few things to remember:

1) He will very likely be more honest than pretty much anyone else you'll ever meet.

Or a perfect liar - some of us have learnt that trick. Or even better, have an unusual notion of what a lie is, so he can kid himself that he is still honest.

In some rare cases. The tendency however is to be more honest than other people, which is why this particular trait is frequently noted in articles about people with Aspergers. I realize however that there are a few rare exceptions, which is why I said "very likely" -- you need to read the qualifying words.

Quote:

2) He will very likely be more honest than you WANT him to be.
- Being more honest than you want him to be is likely to hurt your feelings occasionally. If he hurts your feelings, ASSUME that it was an accident. You should probably follow this up with some conversation about it. Let him know that you understand he didn't hurt your feelings on purpose, then explain why your feelings were hurt and if possible how he can avoid making the same mistake in the future. In addition to helping you, this may also help him to understand other people as well.

You missed here that some Aspies also don't want to be patronised to death, the last thing he wants at this age is a second mother figure.

True, but not the same thing. Mom gets annoyed that you didn't clean up your room or take out the trash and gripes at you to do your chores. That's quite a bit different from a girlfriend saying "I felt hurt by the comment you made about my dress".

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Legato
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22 Jan 2009, 3:16 am

millie wrote:

CelticGoddess wrote:

As someone who dated an Aspie and then married him, here are my thoughts

1. Don't expect him to just "know" what you're feeling/thinking/trying to say. Be honest. He can take it. It's much less stressful for him if you're honest than if he has to try and figure out what's going on in your head. You will save both of you some frustration and moments of miscommunication if you just say what you need him to hear.

2. Listen to him. Aspies are smart people and they notice things that the rest of us take for granted. If you take a few minutes to see the world through his eyes, you'll be a better person by the end of it.

3. Humour his obsessions. You don't have to love what he loves, but if you show some support that it's OKAY for him to love what it loves, it's all good.

4. Have fun. You guys are young. Just enjoy it.

as a woman with AS I think this is one of the loveliest posts i have ever read.

As a man with AS (and a number of relationships behind me), I also think this is a lovely post and I endorse it wholeheartedly.

JennaJ
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22 Jan 2009, 7:09 pm

What do you guys with AS recommend as a good 'lets nip it in the bud' tactic for the times where someone you date with AS gets off on one of their tangents on a topic they enjoy? My b/f will get on a topic, usually about history, and i enjoy hearing some of it but he goes on and on and on and on and he doesn't listen well when i try to interject and join in on the conversation. It becomes very one sided and i admit, i get bored to death and he does NOT pick up on my cues that i am drowning.

I want to learn how to cut it short without hurting his feelings. It would not be so bad if it was a two way convo. He usually is so intent on formulating what he wants to say that he doesn't really LISTEN when i chime in. His listening skills can be poor most of the time but i have found that when he talks over top of me, often now he will stop and back up and acknowledge what i said real quick, but it feels forced, not like he really listened or had an interest in my point.

That is the most frustrating thing of all with him. But i tolerate it because there are so many other things that i COULD have to gripe about but don't have to since he isnt doing them.

ToadOfSteel
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22 Jan 2009, 7:25 pm

JennaJ wrote:

Best thing would be to just tell him, preferably just a reminder. If he is one of those aspies that realizes that rambling tends to piss other people off, he will thank you for it later... For aspies, it's kind of like reminding someone to wear a seat belt before you put the car into gear... Just don't get all flustered when you say it, though, or he will be overwhelmed by the emotional content...

Kangoogle
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22 Jan 2009, 7:29 pm

ike wrote:

Kangoogle wrote:

ike wrote:

Kangoogle wrote:

Quote:

what should i watch out for?

Damaging him emotionally.

I think this could use some elaboration. I don't think you should make yourself walk on eggshells in fear of hurting his feelings.

I chose not to deliberately at this point, for one we know nothing about him asides that he is an Aspies. Really you have generalised here and badly.

Nope. I have generalized very well here.

You need to actually meet the full range of Aspies then, if you think that.

Quote:

Here are a few things to remember:

1) He will very likely be more honest than pretty much anyone else you'll ever meet.

Or a perfect liar - some of us have learnt that trick. Or even better, have an unusual notion of what a lie is, so he can kid himself that he is still honest.

Yes - and idiot psychologists and magazine writers know what exactly. There are plenty of Aspies out there who can lie, but for obvious reasons they get diagnosed less often. It is a skill we can all acquire, believe it or not.

Quote:

You missed here that some Aspies also don't want to be patronised to death, the last thing he wants at this age is a second mother figure.

The key thing here is how often, frankly if I had a girlfriend like that then they would not last very long.

ike
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23 Jan 2009, 12:14 am

Kangoogle wrote:

Quote:

Here are a few things to remember:

1) He will very likely be more honest than pretty much anyone else you'll ever meet.

Or a perfect liar - some of us have learnt that trick. Or even better, have an unusual notion of what a lie is, so he can kid himself that he is still honest.

Which even if true is irrelevant because it invalidates your previous comment ("or a perfect liar") in the context of having already established that this particular kid a) has a diagnosis and b) has already disclosed his diagnosis to the potential girlfriend. You're saying "it's likely he's a perfect liar, because liars are diagnosed less often"... that's a perfect contradiction.

Quote:

You missed here that some Aspies also don't want to be patronised to death, the last thing he wants at this age is a second mother figure.

The key thing here is how often, frankly if I had a girlfriend like that then they would not last very long.

I hope you like being alone.

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Kangoogle
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23 Jan 2009, 12:23 am

ike wrote:

Kangoogle wrote:

Quote:

Here are a few things to remember:

1) He will very likely be more honest than pretty much anyone else you'll ever meet.

Or a perfect liar - some of us have learnt that trick. Or even better, have an unusual notion of what a lie is, so he can kid himself that he is still honest.

No it doesn't. You are forgetting one key factor - age. In your generation the ones who learnt too lie would have learnt before having a chance of diagnosis, my generation on the other hand have a decent chance of getting diagnosed before getting a shot at learning how to lie.

For example, has he been reasonably discretionate about having AS in the first place. It takes a little bit of lying and / or misleading ability to accomplish that, if you know your diagnosis.

Quote:

You missed here that some Aspies also don't want to be patronised to death, the last thing he wants at this age is a second mother figure.

The key thing here is how often, frankly if I had a girlfriend like that then they would not last very long.

I hope you like being alone.

Actually, I have no problems getting girls, as and when I want them.

ike
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23 Jan 2009, 12:52 am

Kangoogle wrote:

ike wrote:

Kangoogle wrote:

Quote:

Here are a few things to remember:

1) He will very likely be more honest than pretty much anyone else you'll ever meet.

Or a perfect liar - some of us have learnt that trick. Or even better, have an unusual notion of what a lie is, so he can kid himself that he is still honest.

Which makes your arguments even less relevant still!

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ToadOfSteel
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23 Jan 2009, 12:56 am

Are we going to have the quote pyramids of Giza here?

Kangoogle
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23 Jan 2009, 1:21 am

ike wrote:

Kangoogle wrote:

ike wrote:

Kangoogle wrote:

Quote:

Here are a few things to remember:

1) He will very likely be more honest than pretty much anyone else you'll ever meet.

Or a perfect liar - some of us have learnt that trick. Or even better, have an unusual notion of what a lie is, so he can kid himself that he is still honest.

Which makes your arguments even less relevant still!

How so? You are twice his age probably.

CelticGoddess
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23 Jan 2009, 8:04 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:

Are we going to have the quote pyramids of Giza here?

LOL! I choked on my tea when I read that.

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