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I'm going to be 41 at end of the month. I'm happy with my career but I have no desire to make it my life. I make enough on my 40 hour week. I have no desire to move up, happy where I am. I've done everything i've set out to do except the thing I really want, have a wife. No matter how hard I try, I fail at it. Its because of my AS. I have tryed to adapt, change, but i still fail. How much changing do I have to do? If I do much more I won't be me anymore.
Been failing at it all my life. God must not want me to be with anyone. God is an a**hole. I spit on God.

I hope all the women that have rejected me and every one of there family burns in hell. They did not ever want to give me a chance.

When I was 19- 20 and lonely everyone would tell me "hang in there, you'll find someone, it will get better." Well I have news for everyone that lies to people at that age, IT NEVER GETS BETTER. With more rejection comes more pain. No one has EVER gave me a chance at a relationship and then people wonder why I'm so bitter?

Well, if this is the base of how you've been your whole life, if I were 40, single, looking and desperate, I would not go near you. Because...



...it's not all about you. It's not about who gives you a chance. It's not about people giving to you, it's about what you can give in a relationship. Giving doesn't mean gifts, it means abstract things like understanding, caring, mutuality. AS does 'screw people over' because it may hinder things like empathy. However, that doesn't mean there isn't a chance to try. Love is not about what another person is giving you, after all. You could just understand where those women were coming from, however much it hurt.

There are malicious people out there, no doubt. But do you know the term, "Love thy enemy"? It's rare, but it's all that could help. Entitlement issues will stop you dead in your tracks every time. Wanting people to suffer because you are dateless, wifeless, is, in my eyes, understandable, but practically psychopathic.

This is why women turn men down in passive ways, they don't want to be attacked or wished ill things. There's little understanding of this, apparently.

And none would give me a chance to see what I would give. I always tryed to be understanding and listen. But I always got 'your a good friend, but nothing more" line. So whats the point?


Plus if just one person gave me a chance, I may not be as I am now. 40, single, never had a relationship.

You're right, what is the point?

You didn't work with these women. For all you know, the relationships could have been more painful than the initial rejection, for both parties. When I turn someone down, it's based on the fact the guy just isn't what I'm looking for. If I gave every guy a chance, that wouldn't work, would it? AS has special needs and problems many women can't deal with, and that's the way it is. Many women are taken, and that's the way that is. Many women are confused, and that's also a fact of life.

But to wish harm upon them is directly malice, just because they 'didn't give you a chance'. Honestly, this mentality horrifies me deeply. It's not like they wished you ill by not giving you a chance, they're simply living their lives, just as you are. It's not their job, their responsibility or their place in any way to have to give you a chance. If they did, they'd be lying to themselves and you, doing it out of pity, and causing more damage.

If you could only see what you're doing is what's destructive. Many men (and women) pull this sort of behaviour, and it's scary. Again, it's not about you, it's about the relationship and partnership. If you don't work out for someone, that's something that needs to be accepted. We've all been through it.

Then don't be friends with them.

It's not as if these women are making you.

Yes, everyone has been rejected at some point. But how many other people my age are like me, have only known rejection? Most beople get rejected a number of times then they find someone. Not me, I have always been rejected. Thats my point.

Plus when I get the "I just want to be friends" line. They don't really mean that, they just say that to be nice. No malice there is there? If they are not interested in me at all, just say so. But don't make me think you want to be my friend by saying that just to make yourself feel better.

I know this is destructive and I don't care at all. How come EVERY women I wanted a relationship with does not feel the same? I have been accepting this all my life, sick of it. I want to die.

I challenge anyone to go through rejection for 40 years and not feel the same.

KenM: Can you elaborate on exactly how you typically approach women? Maybe someone here are able to spot things you haven't thought of yet. Take a typical example and try to explain every detail what you do and say. I'm only trying to help.

Ken, don't come here and whine. A lot of us are in the same boat, just live life man. I know a lot of people worse off than you as well... depressing yes, but you'll get there.

The way people rant around here is not necessarily the way they act in the real world. I say lots of things around here in frustration. The boss really is a jerk. But I don't say it. I play the game and keep my mouth shut, for all the good it does me. There was no objective reason for the times I've been fired and there was nothing I could have done differently. It just doesn't work. Not that I've given up. I still look. I just need to rant about how hard it is.

On the upside, there's a turnover in relationships, even among 40-year-olds, and the priorities change. Older women have more depth. My grandmother remarried at the age of 70. (I did not initially like her choice, because he was loud and annoying and not very pretty, but when I saw how nice he was to her, I decided that he was a prince.) It's not over, it just slows down as you get older.

Maybe if you start over. Re-think everything, from the point of view of an older woman who is not looking for some glamor boy? A woman with kids and a worthless, dead-beat dad. Or something other than whatever you've been looking for.

Maybe you have some old-fashioned gentlemanly rules that you can dust off. Rules that younger women sneer at, but an older woman might think again.

And I wish you guys would stop whining about the whining. That's what we come here for -- to vent and look for help and new ideas. You're not helping and you're not trying to offer anything new or useful. If you don't like this kind of thread, skip to the next one. It's a huge site. Go play a video game or something.

Last edited by Tahitiii on 16 Mar 2009, 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You have to remember women are strange creatures. Its all about how they percieve you. You could probably put an act on at first to get her interested. Then once you've started things, gradually let yourself come out. Maybe you going for women that are out of your league too. But yeah moping isn't gonna help. Nor is shooting yourself. Just keep trying different ways, 40 really isn't that old. But you have to learn from your mistakes.

Of course it gets better... women will start dying for you by the time you hit 30...

Oh wait, you're in your 40s... well, so much for billsmithglendale and his whole spiel...

A lot. I've personally known a handful of people, and still do. Some people get laid, and never get into relationships. Some die totally alone, never having had any. Some people get 'lucky,' but if you look at statistics, most people who have relationships seem pretty miserable, too. The percentage of people who live out their lives together contentedly must be infinitesimal. You are hardly alone in your pain.



No, there is no malice in saying that, I can assure you. It's done out of fear of reaction almost every time, just like yours. I already pointed this out. I would do it, too, because I'm personally afraid the guy may pull something. When one of my friends outright dumped her boyfriend in what I thought was a blatant but tasteful way, he stalked her, threatened her, and then as a fine coup de grâs (sarcasm intended), poured sugar in her gas tank and busted her windshield. We have every right to be careful, don't you think?



Maybe you don't work the way they do. As I stated above, it's often better to be careful. I personally don't blame them, even if it's not my style. And how you handle what they say to you is actually not their responsibility. They're not trying to be cruel at all. Perhaps if you asked, "Do you really mean that?" and followed it with "Because, you know, if you're not interested, I'd prefer to know the truth outright than be lead along like this," things may have worked better. This is why I press for honesty at least on one side. I've done this very move myself.

Hindsight may be clearer than foresight, but it's not too late. And it's certainly not to late to see that these women probably don't deserve to be hated or grudged on the way you're doing, even if you're frustrated.



Not to sound so callous, but if your life is dependent on whether a woman accepts you or not at this point, I really urge you to seek the help of someone who can help give you some needed perspective. I know how frustrating it feels, but it's only worse when dwelled on. Why is it worth your time? What does it matter at all? You're still an individual and you always will be, and whether or not you have a woman actually doesn't change much. In the ape mind, however, it obviously stands for dominance. What else are you after? It's hardly a goldmine to be in a relationship.



I've personally talked to a couple "40 year old virgins" who were bummed but accepting. I was sort of shocked at how well they took it, considering how the rest of men in this society would feel. They had and made good points about their own shortcomings and how they'd learned to have some perspective. It's rare, though, there's no doubt. But there are always other ways to handle it.

I'm thinking it must take insecurity to be so destroyed by rejection. Personally, when I was rejected, I was pissed off because I felt like we could have had something together. But when I sat down and really 'felt' it out, and thought it over, I realized that the move was right, after all, and that we didn't work that well together. Now I dwell on whether or not I should end my current relationship for the same reasons. It has to be 'just right,' like a Goldy-locks zone of love. There has to be equal partnership, and we have to share something deep. I'd personally rather be alone and die without a relationship than stick myself with something that wasn't the best. Why do you think that is? It's because I like me for me, and I feel whole as I am. I feel even more whole with someone, in some ways, since it fills that reproductive urge, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not necessary.

Maybe try to look at this through a more logical, biological perspective. You are a whole person, you like your job, you offer yourself something. Why do you need someone else in order to feel totally fulfilled? When people do that, something doesn't feel right, or completely healthy. God knows it's a popular perspective, however, and culture must play a huge role in people feeling this way. Well, damn it, there have to be other options.



Tahitii, I agree with you, and believe me I have constant bitchfests whenever possible. It's the sentiment Ken has expressed of...

that makes me reel backwards. I know that sounds dramatic, but it really is a destructive thing to say, especially with women here and all. We women get the idea that men are going to want to kill us if we reject them as it is. This is just way out there, in my opinion, even if it's 'harmlessly' said on an internet forum, it's sort of scary to have those fears validated.

As to everything else, I'd say that's some sound advice. I think that combined with the perspective I'm talking about would be a good mix.

And what was the point of doing that, at that age? Health insurance, perhaps?


Exactly. Which makes for a grievously unsatisfying situation.


Yes, I wouldn't use the word Spiel as much as I'd use the word Scheiße!


Well, that's because their rejections have been destructive towards him. Permanently destructive, at that.

Last edited by BPalmer on 17 Mar 2009, 5:12 am, edited 2 times in total.

I don't know all the details, but it usally goes something like this:

I meet someone through friends or they come into work and we talk. We get to know each other talking to each other a few times. After a few times talking to her I ask her if she wants to go out sometimer, get a bite to eat, see a movie, what ever.

After talking more on the dates, I start to like her more. I tell them how i feel, being totally honest. Then they say they just want to be friends. But they don't mean that at all. So its OK for them to lie to me?

I've seen other women say they are not interested in a relationship right now. Then a week later they introduce me to there new boyfriend. I really love the honesty there.

to be blatantly honest, Ken has done SO MUCH to try and shape his actions with women...yet it's still not working...i feel, if I was his age and in his position, I'd have become a bitter, psychotic, serial killer by now...so i think we should APPLAUD ken for having not broken the law.x

^Agreed.

And Orbyss, while you do have a few good points, this isn't the right thread for defending rejection. You really have no clue what it's like to be in KenM's position, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to justify it. Patronizing us and belittling our problems isn't going to help anything.