Older females.

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It makes sense to me... there is no designated place for love, no trail to track or set the lure - it happens. Regarding the original question, a lot of my recent thoughts have been on how those with AS and those not on the spectrum change and evolve over time at different speeds. If there is a correlation between relationship success and difference in respective ages, it might be that at those points their rates of change are in sync. Or the relative 'stability' of those on the spectrum makes them more appealing at that point. Being open to love is more important than seeking it; I don't think it is a surprise that those who prowl when young continue in their old age.


M.

Interesting. So you don't think that the older woman would be sad, if the male did find a mate of child-baring years? I'd think that the wife might not want the male conversing with the older female in any way, even if it were just emails and letters of concern. Basically, the older woman would no longer have the companionship that she enjoyed.

I think it sounds heart-breaking.

I agree! I would hate to get used to someone, and then, basically get dumped for a "breeder." l

In my own experience, older women are easier to talk to, and I talk to them a lot. I can easily talk to women who are 20+ years older than me, but the young ones are just so awkward. Intellectually, I probably have more in common with older women than women my own age. Older women just seem nicer, more patient and more tolerant.

Take a hint ladies: youth and "hotness" are useless, relationshipwise, if you use them as a bargaining chip for wealth and status, or if you cannot connect on other levels. Having something to offer means

A. you have it.

B. you're offering it.

Average looking, older, etc. women I can access are more interesting to me than the supermodels I cannot.

Something to consider... for many on the spectrum, their interactions with the opposite sex will be rather different than those who are not. The mentality, and perhaps also the medical challenges, often mean that instead of interacting with peers those affected would spend more time with nurses, doctors, specialized teachers, parents, family and family friends - all of which would generally be 20+ years older than the individual with an ASD. Also, it seems that the rate of personality change often slows once a person enters their twenties, making those older relatively more attractive and more familiar to those who struggle with change and adaption. Fast forward to adulthood, and there are some parallels perhaps worth taking a closer look at.


M.

Taking a snapshot from my sociology book, older women tend to be more accessible if they're single. Part of that is a lot of NT men base everything on looks, and NT women base everything on success. Because of this, a middle aged man has what the women are looking for, success, stability, money, the middle aged NT woman, not so much.

Because of that, single middle aged women have problems when it comes to finding partners, leaving them more open to the idea of dating a socially awkward aspie.

I'm sure I just shot you guys in the foot with this, sorry about that. Still, if you're having problems, it could serve as an alternative to being completely alone. I think it's best to figure out a way to deal with any problems, and then go within your own age group.

I'm interested in dating older women, but not more than 5 or so years older than I am.

In regards to my earlier comment, do believe some older women would agree to a companion with the knowledge that he might leave for a younger woman. Here are my reasons and I say this as an older woman with an interest in a younger man.

- I know that I cannot bear more children, however I might have a good 10-15 years to travel and experience things in life. If I could share that with my Aspie friend then it would be worth the possibility that he might find a younger woman to bear children.

- As an older woman, I am mature enough to handle the heartbreak that would come if I knew it would make him happy. I'm also realistic to know the outcomes.

- there is always the possibility that he won't want children nor will he find someone else. He might enjoy my company enough to stay.

If the Aspie has nothing going on and the woman has nothing going on, why not share time together for as long as you have it?

Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.

I'm wondering if I should try this, instead of holding out for someone my own age. Older is better than nobody, and the necessary experience gained might make younger women more accessible. However, I would worry about the ethics of getting together with someone on a temporary basis, to gain experience, but would I end up hurting her if I move on to people closer to my own age. In a fair compromise I could go into a relationship with the intent of committing long term to someone who is not more than 10-15 years older than me. Certainly 5 years older would be doable.


My comments are based on observations and experiences I have had as an adult. I was fortunate to be "normal" enough not to require caretakers, and I was mainstreamed in school.

That's it - I'm starting a new topic in womens section about older men. You guys are clueless.

Besides - who says all NT men are the same or NT women are the same? Or aspie men - or aspie women?

Good luck and I pity the poor women you set your targets on. No doubt - they will have some serious self-esteem issues - but I'm sure you guys can solve that for them. You guys have it all figured out.

To clarify more, I don't think an older woman should be chosen with the sole intent of gaining experience and using her. I think if there is a friendship and interest in an older woman but your not sure of the long term possibilities, then be honest. Tell her that you have reservations about the age difference but you'd like to try to make it work. You might be surprised.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't shut someone out just because of their age. Consider it a doable possibility with benefits to both people. Definitely don't say she's better than nobody because that's what you'll end up with... nobody.

Sgrannel, I'm not sure where you got caretakers out of the list of possible interactions I listed as the primary gist - the point was that it is the relative stability compared to one's peers during the developmental phase that may encourage attraction to those older than oneself.


M.

Oh god! That didn't come across very well, now did it? You've pointed out a secondary meaning that seems to be an extension of what was literally said. It's these secondary meanings that make conversations so difficult, always having to second guess oneself, and freezing up because of all the second guessing! After all, one faces a very high risk of rejection if everything doesn't come across juuust right! Goddammit, why does this have to be so difficult?

So either only go into relationships with the intent of long term possibilities or be up front about the goals if it's something else? Discuss goals, boundaries, expectations? OK, I have an intellectual understanding of this concept and it sounds fair to me.

I knew what you meant really, it's okay. Communication with an older woman will probably go better than with a younger one, the patience factor.

I would suggest if you date an older woman, just date her for awhile, no expectations until you or her reach the point of talking about them. It's okay to date and have sex and enjoy each other. It's very possible that the woman won't want another marriage or commitment. Each is different. She might want her own house and schedule but someone to go out with and have sex with.

When the time comes to talk about things, then that is the time to be upfront and honest about goals and expectations. Always answer questions honestly but kindly. We can handle the truth and we appreciate the truth. It's much better to know up front than to feel used. Just don't try to talk out the boundaries on the first date. It will feel natural to talk about them at some point and she might be the one who brings it up.

You might find that conversation and spending time with her is what you want anyway. She might be more appealing than a young girl anyway. She will probably appreciate you more and make you feel good about yourself. Keep an open mind.

I've never noticed any older women hitting on me or showing any sign of romantic interest in me whatsoever, so I have to assume that trying to date them is just as futile as trying to date women my own age.

Hmm, the prospect that one person in a relationship outlives the other is inevitable; this isn't unique to a young man-older woman relationship. I don't see why this prospect bodes unduly poorly on anybody. It's not like he can't go back on the dating scene once she passes away, and vice versa.

Also, being unwilling or incapable of having children is not necessarily a deal-breaker. That's totally dependent on the two people involved. Aspie males do not always want to have children (I sure never have), so for those guys this question is a complete non-issue.

"Is it assumed that the aspie male stay with the older female through life...?" If it's agreed and understood by both people beforehand that that is the case, then yes!


Totally depends on the older woman. Some want transient flings and some want something more long-lasting. She's going to have some ideas of what she wants out of the relationship. Just because you may be honest with her at the start that you'd like to meet a woman you can "marry and have children with," doesn't mean she'll be necessarily more amenable to your desires. If she finds what you want repulsive, and you are unable to reach a compromise, then forget it... it's not going to happen. Similarly, if you don't like what she wants, and you cannot compromise, then forget it.


If she was already informed in advance that the male wanted this and she was ok with it, then no she wouldn't be sad. But if he just upped and basically cheated on her, not only would she be sad, she'd be friggin' upset and justifiably so.

I'm not really understanding why the male would be conversing with the older female on such regular basis, if the male "found a mate of child-baring years." I think it'd be totally fine if the relationship with the older female is a platonic one, but based on the context of the rest of the thread, this doesn't sound like such thing would be the case for this example. At any rate, this specific example wouldn't sound like the male would be initially looking for an older female as a mate per se, rather he would be looking for a mother figure with possible "benefits". That's a completely different thing altogether.