Sort of Frightening

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What you'll find is that most of us Aspie males have been hurt by not just one woman, but several of them. When that happens repeatedly, it can really taint how you see women overall, which is sad because you can then overlook the ones who aren't like that, or even accuse them of being b*****s without eny evidence thereof. It's a vicious circle; I guess it's up to us Aspie guys to hacksaw through that circle somewhere around it.. So difficult to do so, though.

Just remember that it isn't something that happens to just you, it happens to all of us. I've been hurt before many times, I'm still being hurt. Somehow you have to pick yourself up and move on. Since I'm the only one that I can control, I have to make adjustments to me. I can't depend on someone else.

We cannot see the individual in the woman, or anybody for that matter.

I do not condone the name-calling or sexism, though I admit that I may have made a few unfair generalizations when I was upset.

But who cares? Why should you feel offended? I mean, if you think of us as being whiny, pathetic, self-pitying losers, then why would you even care about our worthless comments? Because that's how we've been branded by most other people... as "losers." And you are supporting that prejudice, if you've embraced the "gender role" concepts about how a man should always be the confident/outgoing one who initiates dating. Ever see what happens when the average Aspie guy tries to initiate dating... pretending to be all suave and s**t, when he's actually scared out of his friggin' mind? And you wonder why we're so bitter about rejection...

I recognize that I have problems which I still need to work out myself, instead of blaming other people for them. But I feel that I have acquired a negative stigma for things which are beyond my control. Asperger's is not something which I can "fix." Nor can I just "fix" being a shy introvert. Yet people continue to expect us guys to somehow turn into outgoing extroverts even when it goes against our very nature, simply because it's "our job" as males. And when we don't, they insult our "manhood." And when we never get any girlfriends, we get called "losers." And when we talk about our loneliness, we're dismissed as "whiners." We even get insults under the guise of "advice" from a few of the people here.

So if there's bitterness and "hostility" around here, that could have something to do with it. Again, I'm not condoning the sexist generalizations, and I'm sorry if the women here have been offended by it. But keep in mind that BOTH genders make generalizations about us.

I care. And I feel offended, because I want to say I can relate to your pain, but I can't relate to free floating hostility, wrapped up in unkind generalizations towards all women. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be reading these posts, and trying to understand. And no matter how much I've been hurt by certain men, I don't for one minute believe that I can judge the entire gender, based upon my history with them.




I'm not sure if you are referring to me, but I have never branded anyone a "loser." And the confidence I suggest, comes automatically when you have good self-esteem, which a lot of you don't have. I did not say that you should always be the confident/outgoing one who initiates dating. What I meant, was that when you genuinely feel that you have something of value to offer a relationship, that confidence shows naturally.



Then don't pretend. Be yourself. Speaking for myself, I am irresistibly drawn to the vulnerable, in a male. It brings out my compassionate side. OTH, if someone is obviously pretending to be something that they are not, to win me over, it is a big turn off. That bases the relationship on sand, and it will dissolve at the first challenge.



Well, I certainly hope that you didn't find any insult in the things I've been saying here, because none were intended.

to be honest (as a man who very very seldom chats up women or men, and regularly has to reject gay men) i think it's a bit ridiculous to generalise about women based on some harsh rejections and general bad experience, i've been on both sides of this line before, and being rejected isn't much worse than having to reject someone sometimes, not when its someone who has things you genuinely like in a person and you know it's going to hurt them.

often this just seems hypocritical, these attacks on a gender... for example i have a friend who went off on a rant on facebook about how no man could ever be there for her all the time, always support her, etcetera etcetera, as well as having told me how all men are bastards who can't make up their minds when i made the mistake of asking if she was ok. me, i thought "well no wonder you're single when you slag an entire gender off and then wonder why none of them will devote their entire life towards you". i think people always expect too much, and it makes it worse when it falls down.

i'm not trying to prove that it happens to men too; i don't need to. my main point is that it's hardly going to help when people idolise (for want of a better word) and yet b***h and rant and rave about women at the same time, there's only a certain extent to which people will continue to feel sorry for them and attacking such a group of people is a sure fire way of reaching that extent.

About time someone made this thread, nice one hartzofspace

I'm not bitter at all women... in fact, I have nothing but great respect for most of the female gender... The women I am bitter towards are the ones that show "interest" in me... and the word "interest" is in quotes because the only time women show said "interest" is when they're trying to use me for something or another... in high school (where this phenomenon is the most severe) it was the fact that I can add in my head... To date, no woman has ever shown genuine interest in me... if a woman was a respectable person not out to use me, she generally wasn't interested in me in a romantic sense. I still made good friends with many of the women in high school, but no actual girlfriend...

Thanks, TheKingsRaven. I also like your user name.

As someone who hasn't really had a positive experience out of dating and the like I like to think I'm not bitter, but I might be on a sort of subconscious level so I try to keep it in check. Otherwise, I'm not sure how much of the original post should apply to me. I like to think I generally come across as polite and respectful.

That said, quite a few of the more successful womanisers I know are overtly disrespectful towards women, they just turn their disrespect into jokes. It's remarkable how well that works for them.

I agree. It's not the right way to go about things, or the right way to solve the problems.

I always have found your posts to be as you describe, Hector. They don't give offense.

I think I am nice, or at least I try to be...although I don't post alot in this forum. Sometimes I tend to be a little blunt, and I've been working on that for a while. I think I'm doing pretty good now. It still creeps out there every so often, but I think I manage to keep it respectable.

Yes, and it would be foolish and wrong to do so. Like I said, I don't condone sexism. But I can't help but feel a little bitter (at people in general, not any particular gender) about the common attitude towards guys like me.


And because of this assumption, that only "confident" men have value in relationships, guys like me will continue to be alone. But just because a guy lacks confidence doesn't mean that he has nothing to offer in a relationship. My father was even more shy and insecure than I am, yet he and my mother had a long, mostly happy marriage. Lucky for Dad, Mom didn't buy into the "confidence" BS. But everyone else seems to buy into it these days, so I guess I'll never have that chance...


You're right. But because of the "confidence" thing which people keep promoting, guys feel like they have to fake confidence just to get a date. In most cases, they would get rejected if they were to actually "be themselves." Being myself certainly hasn't got me any dates so far...


No, I wasn't referring to anything you said. However, there have been certain individuals who actually got to pass off statements like "grow some balls" as advice. It really shows just how out of touch they are with the people here.

Have you tried a different format to your dates than the standard "dinner & conversation", they work reasonably well for typical people, for atypical people you'd need something that can really show off what you have to offer. I don't know what your strengths are so I'll use homemaker as an example: invite her for a home cooked meal rather than a restaurant you get to demonstrate what you have to offer the relationship.


Fakeing confidence wont work, but there are ways to acquire the real stuff.

I've got an idea.

I think on this forum we've got a serious problem with slagging off women. Now I know the guys are justifiably bitter, but I think it's becoming too pervasive. And group attitudes tend to spread and take hold of individuals.

Now I know that the guys really need to vent somewhere, and this is the only place they have, so why don't we make one sticky thread, specifically for the purpose of ranting and slagging off women, and on that thread alone the guys can say whatever they want and swear as much as they like (similar to the rant threads in The Haven) without having to censor what they say.

Then on all other threads, we start policing more strongly against this kind of sexism and general nastiness and come down hard on any offenders.

This way, everyone's happy.