help an NT understand!!

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tracylynn, reading all this made me curious. You've noticed that we aspies have trouble making connections. If its not too personal, I'd like to ask where did you meet your boyfriend and how? From the looks of it, it sounds like you're describing it as starting online. Is it from a dating service?

I fortuitously happened across a music message board, looking to get rid of a ticket. I wound up staying. We seemed to be drawn to each other right away, so it was sweet. Both of us had been in relationships that ended and then done some online dating, and both of us had decided we'd had enough of that. Coincidentally enough, we found each other when we stopped looking... and I think that's how it seems to work best.


Here's a question ... is it an Aspie thing not to really do greetings and goodbyes? It seems like that's part of a small talk dynamic that doesn't come naturally to him.

It's really hard sometimes to figure out which things are Aspie, and which are just things unique to an individual.

wow ... that's pretty innarestin'!

I was fairly receptive to my dad breaking down various behaviors he expected of me. Like little information packets on s**t. Very useful. Precede it with something like, "Okay, now i know this is gonna sound rediculous, but entertain the idea for a while."

Wow, I was very interested to read about your experiences, Tracy.

My position is not all that different from yours; I'm also an NT (though in my case, perhaps with some slight AS symptoms) in a long-distance relationship with an AS (Nortala, in fact, who posted a little above me; we've both joined together). We've been a couple for nearly a year; as you can see from our locations, we're a very long way apart, so we've only been able to visit each other once so far; I went to stay with her from July to September.

However, what's been very different in my case is what happened about finding out that Nortala has AS. Neither of us had any idea until a week ago, when she did one of those online quizzes; we know not to take anything like that too seriously, but it did make us want to investigate, and by now we're certain, although we're not interested in getting an actual diagnosis.

I can't deny that I was shocked; but there were things I'd noticed, including certain problems we've had, that suddenly began to fit in a little better. I don't yet know whether on balance I feel more positive or negative about the discovery. On the negative side, I feel now that some of our problems may be a lot more deep-seated, and therefore harder to work out a solution to than I had hoped. But on the positive side, Nortala is being extremely brave about facing these issues; it was her idea that we both sign up here so that we (and, according to her, especially me) should have the opportunity of talking to other Aspies. You have to understand that I'm not trying to change the way she is; I love her too much for that. But she wants to do everything she can to make our relationship easier, and we think that being able to discuss the problems we have with people who have similar issues might make it easier for us to work out a way forward. I can't tell you how grateful I am to her that she is taking it this way.

(This is going very off-topic; maybe I should make a new thread to talk about us......)

Anyway, of course I don't know either you or your partner at all; based entirely on my own case I wonder a little whether it would help you to explain to him that you think he has AS, so that it might inspire him to be more active in talking about the difficulties you have...... but you probably know better than I whether that would be a likely outcome.

I wish you all the best in any case!

It's great that you guys discovered this together and are going to work through it together. Im really puzzling now over having this information and doing the cost/benefit of telling him about it in my mind. It's feeling to me like it's almost wrong NOT to share what I've found out, but I feel it may be difficult for him to digest. Kill the messenger, and all that .....

I'm finding the learning process fascinating, and so eye-opening. Like the lightbulb going on over my head. I had recognized the diagnoses awhile back, but realized I'd need to process it myself and continue to see how the relationship developed. It also is prompting me to ask questions about myself ... what is it about this person and his unusual ways that appeals to me? Because of the social difficulties, particularly familial, I can see myself being cocoon-like with this person ... loving and supporting each other without much outside interference. And then I wonder if that seems smothering to an Aspie person who's used to being alone. Oy. My mind goes all over the place with this stuff.


Has anyone had a negative experience about discovering your AS, particularly later in life??

One of the things about myself I can't quite reconcile is that although I enjoy being alone so I can "do my thing" so to speak I also long to have one person around who would kinda smother me like that, at least in private. I get really embarassed about public affection though, even when I'm just seeing it between other couples.

I understand the desire for alone time ... I need it too.

And yeah, public affection....he's not comfortable with it, and I've come to understand it. When we had a week together at my house, we went to see a few concerts, and he held my hand alot while we listened to the music, and that just felt so great to me.

We only found out recently that my husband is aspergic after 25 years being married.
Married life hasn't been easy, living with him isn't easy, sometimes when he loses his temper, over what I think is small things, it is like having a 5 year old having a tantrum.
He gets confused with to many instructions, more then four and he is lost.
when shopping he writes a list, but will still come home with things we don't need. (a great one for bargains wanted or not.)
He can't wash up, well he can but you wouldn't want to eat or drink from what he has tried to wash. But will still do it as this is him being helpful.
When we were newly married I always had the impression he should be single.
He never says hello or goodbye to visitors, just realized this.
But will let me know his home with "Im home." and will continue to call till someone answers.
When we had our two children I did the child rearing. He was good at baths and a good provider.
Can't follow a conversation. with more than the one person he is talking too.
Is very honest, sometimes this used to hurt, now I bite my tongue and know he isn't being horrible.
If I want to buy him a gift, I ask what he wants. because when we were newly married I would buy him a new expensive watch every winter, he never wore them, but would buy a cheap one, the sort of gaudy things kids wear, and be made up with it. lol.
There is more, but the positive side is this

He always tries to get along with everyone.
can be very romantic, (buys me stuffed bears.) and gives me unexpected hugs and gifts.
He loves and cares for the kids very much.
Makes me laugh with funny stuff he comes out with.
Is very intelligent but doesn't brag about it.
He is happy with what we have, and isn't concerned with more then we need.
snuggles in the morning light,
and although he isn't always comfortable with me hugging him, will allow it,
and intimacy may not be as often as I would like, but when it happens it more than makes up for the lack of quantity.
Always has a smile just for me.
I love him very much even when he does drive me mad sometimes.
Doesn't drive, no road sense. Yet is a school crossing patrol man. go figure.

Oh yeah... I could totally be off base...but boy does this sound familiar to me...please don't take offense.

not offended at all ... thanks for the info. Well Im definitely depressive, and I'd say I'm probably ADD and if not bipolar, then certainly with some kind of mood-swinging tendency. Mild in both cases. And I definitely have very open boundaries ... I'd rather have my own feelings hurt than hurt someone I care about.

More food for thought!