aspie males too shy/weak to be partner material

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I've seen both sides with myself.

Teens through early 20s, when I was skinnier and less self-aware of how big I actually was -- yeah, got bullied, wasn't assertive enough, not confident, not sure how important I was (and I was even happily married at this point, so I guess I was assertive enough in some ways).

Later 20s, early 30s (now) -- much more assertive, but I try to do it in a constructive way when I can. I think in our 20s, we're a little too unbalanced and likely to suffer from a need for experience. We make mountains out of molehills.

If you really want to be assertive, sometimes you're going to have to tap into your anger. This is a dangerous but sometimes necessary thing to do, because your anger will push your hormonal and fear response buttons and make you momentarily stronger and braver person than you would be normally. It's dangerous, because it can make you do things that you might regret later.

Things like:

-Road raging every week

-Playing "highway off-ramp" chicken at 90MPH with some jerk in a pickup truck who I offended and who then started messing with me. We played this "game" while I was hanging halfway out my window, frothing at the mouth and screaming at him. Needless to say, when we both did make the off-ramp without crashing, we both de-escalated it (thankfully) and went on our way.

-Almost assaulting multiple people

-Spitting on cars that invaded my crosswalk while I was walking across it, including hitting two big guys with my spit through their sunroof. I looked crazy, and then didn't pull over.

Thankfully, I've been lucky and smart in most of the above cases, and not done anything that got me sent to jail.

You have to know your limitations, your effect on people, and where the line is (and whether the other person will cross it, or if they will back down).

As you get older and more confident, you can also start to get a a sense of self-importance and justice, and assert your rights. You'll be surprised how often that works.

Start with letters of complaint, then gradually work your way up to doing it in person, and not backing down. It's like the poker game of life -- practice keeping a straight face and knowing how to bluff.

"15 aspie girls, interesting =P is any of those girls single and between 20-30 y.o.? "

Heh! Sorry, but no They're all about 14-17. I generally make friends with guys, but there are quite a few aspie girls I am friends with - maybe about 4. (that's a lot for me!)

Raikai

Not all AS guys are like that, and many NT guys are like that.

I admit I do need support in emotional and quite a lot of social areas - but lately over the last couple years or so, I have become very good at standing up for myself and others. If I have been wronged, I will put it to rights - all in a very legitimate and non-threatening way - but which noentheless leaves the person who has 'wronged' me feeling like I'm taking the mick. Which I am... hehe.

It's always better I find to conflict people in a way which can cause no repercussions for you and is entirely pleasant. Then they look like a complete selfish moron when you win through politeness and sheer determination... muahahahah.

Although sometimes, saying that I take on too much - I will not only fight my own corner, but others' corners as well. I suppose what I'm saying is I may need a little help sometimes, but I, and certainly other women, don't necessarily want an 'alpha male' as a partner.

There's hope!

Raikai

you're so clever, R. I wish you were back on vision.

Who's 'R'? If you mean me I wouldn't exactly call myself clever! But thank you nonetheless!

I wish I was back on vision.... Stupid network administrators.

I can't even access any other chat sites either due to the network settings.... It sucks.

Ah well. Let's hope for Monday!



Raikai

Hey Raikai, can I clone you? We need more women who think like you.

That depends.

1) Are you an experienced cloning scientist

2) Would it be an evil clone? Cause then I'd tend to say no.

Raikai

I second this sentiment. I'm a pretty assertive and occasionally aggressive girl. I don't love conflict -- in fact I avoid it whenever possible but I have no problem standing up for myself or others if necessary. I don't find alpha males very appealing,mostly due to the ego that comes with it. I prefer the more shyer, humble type who is capable of backing or supporting me, not fight my battles for me. A guy who is completely spineless and a pushover who never asserts his own opinions or beliefs is a turn-off, however. I'd say I prefer something in between an alpha male and beta male.

Now that i think about it, as an introvert, I'd say something like 95% of my interpersonal interactions are with extroverts. Introverts would, I suppose, not interact amongst like-minded individuals nearly as often since both parties are more passive when it comes to others.

Of course, an introvert can occasionally act extroverted, (introvert/extrovert aren't absolute) but it seems like whenever I decide the time has come to be more extroverted, I don't have an integrated compass with which to guide my perceived inspiration. I just have 2 settings: way too little or way too much. When I try to "go extrovert," it comes off quite awkward/abrasive, it seems. So, not only do I not have any inkling of how to be a correct and natural extrovert, I also have a healthy respect for the risk of alienating others even more than I would have with merely being passive and introverted.

Not a woman. Untill she turns 18, just an innocent child.

Definitely not the case with me. I love the company of introverts because they tend to be more introspective. I find that extroverts generally tend to lack the sort of depth I need to fully connect. There are also other factors of one's personality which determines how well two people get along. For instance (using Myers-Briggs typing), I get along well with iNtuitive thinkers but not Sensory thinkers. In other words, chances are I will get along better with an extroverted intuitive person than an introverted sensory person.



People are not either/or, they have capacity to be both introverted and extroverted but it's a matter of which is naturally dominant and how much. It's like right-handedness/left-handedness. People have both but naturally use/prefer one over the other.

It's interesting that you use the phrase "decide the time has come to be more extroverted". With myself I find that I'm extroverted only when I have a lot of energy to spare and that's not something I can really control very well. I can try forcing myself to be extroverted/social but it comes off very fake. If I have lots of energy, my natural extroversion comes out and it's very sincere. But unfortunately I can't turn it on or off like a switch.

I'm an aspie girl and I would actually hope for a introverted, quiet boyfriend/husband. I wouldn't want to be with someone who constantly wanted to be socialising or pressured me to talk to his friends etc. I feel intimidated by extroverts.

I agree with you on this. People that talk alot balance well with people that don't talk that much. You keep her from rambling on and on, and she helps you keep the conversation going.

A couple where both people are quiet/shy, eventually find out they have communication problems.

Ever heard the saying: both people can't wear the pants in the relationship? Same thing applies here.

Take a look at people that have been happily married for a long time, and you will find that they are complimentary. One person has what the other lacks, and vice versa.

You can have a quiet person with a talkative person, a more dominant person with a more submissive one, etc.

17? damn, too young
If you have or know any older sis' let me know (:

Child? That, until my birthday I will accept.

Innocent? That I will not. Tom, you really need to get to know me better.






Muahahahahah.

I am *not* Innocent! I take that as a personal insult!

(Not really! )

I am slightly peeved though. Innocent? I have never been insulted *quite* like that before!

Raikai