What do I have to do? Why is trying to date so damn hard?

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10 May 2009, 11:55 am

If you want a happy relationship then that in itself poses "standards" which should be met, so you can only "lower" them so far.

lotusblossom
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10 May 2009, 12:08 pm

no one needs to lower their standards,

they just need to put themselves out there and make themselves vulnerable to rejection.

Fudo
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10 May 2009, 12:24 pm

i think i've got vulnerable to rejection down.. & i'm susceptible to flattery :p
now just gotta get out there.

Tias
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10 May 2009, 2:16 pm

You shouldn't be "hunting" for a date or anything.
Try not to think about dating at all actualy, and just befriend girls the normal way.

I mean, heck, who knows where love comes from?
If you put to high demands on howagirl has to look, it will be hard to find one.

I know what i am saying.
I fell in love with one of the people i never thought i would fall in love with actualy o.O
Someone i've been in class with for almost 3 years now.
The first 2 years of school i only saw her as a friend, on 3rd year i began to fall in love with her.
I mean, look wise, people would say she is average or something. Nothing special.
But love makes people more beautiful.

Like according to your scale thingy, what if you befriended someone who is a 4, and after falling in love with her, you wouldraise it to a 6 or god knows what.

just dont have such high demands, else no one will be able to fill it, and if they do, still not sure if they will like you at all

ToadOfSteel
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10 May 2009, 2:31 pm

Tias wrote:

You shouldn't be "hunting" for a date or anything.
Try not to think about dating at all actualy, and just befriend girls the normal way.

That's a one-way ticket to the friend zone... I know from personal experience...

Quote:

Like according to your scale thingy, what if you befriended someone who is a 4, and after falling in love with her, you wouldraise it to a 6 or god knows what.

This I can agree with... I have eyewitness accounts of me rating a woman I fell in love with (rated her a 9), later I lost those feelings and she fell down to about a 5 or 6, then I fell in love with her again and it was an 8...

Cyberman
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10 May 2009, 3:04 pm

lotusblossom wrote:

no one needs to lower their standards,

they just need to put themselves out there and make themselves vulnerable to rejection.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Tias
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10 May 2009, 3:26 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

Tias wrote:

You shouldn't be "hunting" for a date or anything.
Try not to think about dating at all actualy, and just befriend girls the normal way.

That's a one-way ticket to the friend zone... I know from personal experience...

Quote:

Like according to your scale thingy, what if you befriended someone who is a 4, and after falling in love with her, you wouldraise it to a 6 or god knows what.

Well guess there maybe is some truth to the friend thing. When you first become their friend, and they only see you as a a friend, it is hard for them to see you as someone more.
But like i said, in my case, i fell in love with her after 2 years. First i only saw her as a friend, but then more later on.
Oh well.

And yeah.
Like you said there. Love makes someone more beautiful.
When you love someone, you think they look beautiful. and their "beauty lvl" will raise alot, and when you dont love them anymore, it would fall down again due to you having negativ emotions towards them i guess

HAL_9000
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10 May 2009, 4:36 pm

If you go for the high score people, so to speak, you're never good enough. If you lower your standards, then people think you're just shooting for an easy lay. Either way, you can't win. I see lots of things\people saying you can get a girlfriend etc if you follow these easy steps blah blah. Everyone is different. I don't think there are any steps that are guaranteed to work for everyone. It's like those silly books that proclaim anyone can draw if they use the secret steps in the book. You can probably do things to increase your chances, but I wouldn't know what those things are.

To be honest, though. The more girlfriends I see, belonging to other people, the more I think, "thank god they aren't my girlfriend."

lotusblossom
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10 May 2009, 5:01 pm

Cyberman wrote:

lotusblossom wrote:

no one needs to lower their standards,

they just need to put themselves out there and make themselves vulnerable to rejection.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

its what Im doing

the rejection gets easier to cope with the more I get, I got used to it and it doesnt bother me so much.

"feel the fear and do it anyway"

Cyberman
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11 May 2009, 10:02 am

lotusblossom wrote:

Cyberman wrote:

lotusblossom wrote:

no one needs to lower their standards,

they just need to put themselves out there and make themselves vulnerable to rejection.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

its what Im doing

the rejection gets easier to cope with the more I get, I got used to it and it doesnt bother me so much.

"feel the fear and do it anyway"

There's also "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Keep in mind that people are affected by rejection in different ways. Yes, you can "get used to it" without being negatively affected, if you're LUCKY. But for many guys, repeated rejection "numbs" them to the point of being insensitive jerks who no longer care what women think, and when they finally do get girlfriends, they treat those girlfriends like crap. For others (and I know some guys here can attest to this) they're practically driven insane because they spent their entire lives getting nothing BUT rejection, every time they tried. I don't even want to know how I would be affected... but I have been rejected before, without even asking.

MDD123
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11 May 2009, 1:55 pm

I'd go to the bar too of it weren't a massive waste of time. Seriously, if you actually live close to me, I'd go to the bar just for that, until then it's volunteer groups, bars aren't good places to start relationships.

aspieguy101
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13 May 2009, 5:57 pm

Thom1234 wrote:

Somebody's obsessed.

There's more to life than women, and the sooner you realise that, the better.

Still, if you really are so hell bent on finding "love," I'd suggest lowering your standards to 0 on a 1-10 scale in all respects. The sooner you're willing to settle for less, the sooner you'll find someone. You may not like them, but that doesn't seem to be the point here. You'll have a physical representation of the fact that there is at least one person on this planet who feels anything more than indifference towards you, and that seems to be the objective. Give in, adhere to their rituals, bend over backwards, do whatever necessary in order to fit in, and maybe you'll be more appealing to people in general. If you do feel such a desire to appear normal in order to appease others, then I pity you. "Love," or the pointless approximation that many confuse it with, are indeed part of those rituals that you dislike.

Love is severely overrated anyway. Your life will -NOT- instantly become satisfactory if you get a girlfriend. It will not make all of your problems go away, you will not live happily ever after, and they'll probably dump you within a couple of months anyway, especially if your whiny, self-important attitude online transfers into reality. I understand that you may not fully "get" love (neither do I,) and I suppose that that which we do not comprehend enthralls us most, but then invariably turns out to be less than you expected.

I understand that you have AS, and that impairs you socially. If you really are so insistent on dating, then you need to learn that "I'm weird, pity me." does not fly in the NT mindset. They don't care. Weird, socially useless sad people are not who most people want as partners, whether they have a diagnosis for it or not. Either change, or find something else to do.

Also, just to clarify, if you're just trying to find sex, then stop. Now. Love does not equal sex. It isn't even a by-product of love. It is something entirely different.

Finally, please stop being so damn pretentious and dramatic. If this helps you achieve your goal (love should not be a goal in the first place,) great, but it's mostly because your walls of secondary-school-level poetic, self-important text offend me.

That was somewhat brutal..but a good way of putting it nonetheless.

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13 May 2009, 11:46 pm

Cyberman wrote:

For others (and I know some guys here can attest to this) they're practically driven insane because they spent their entire lives getting nothing BUT rejection, every time they tried. I don't even want to know how I would be affected... but I have been rejected before, without even asking.

It probably differs with the person but constant rejection with absolutely no success has all but destroyed my self esteem and mental stability. I constantly fluctuate between depression, anger, jealously, and apathy. I wish I had never wasted my life and time on something as foolish as dating. There's no telling how happy I could be now.

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SilverStar
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14 May 2009, 12:06 am

billsmithglendale wrote:

Some notes, but you can see a lot more of my POV in other posts on this forum on the topic, including in the "Nice Guys" sticky thread (do a search):

1. Practice makes perfect. Keep working the social skills, and don't take it so seriously. Overthinking and performance anxiety can f you up big time. Life is a game, treat it as such.

2. Pretty much all women worth being with will always have a BF. This is just life. When they break up with one, they have one or more serious candidates waiting in the wings, in their mental list of guys they know and are friends with. Get on that list for multiple women, be a good friend, be nice (but don't be someone who is used or taken advantage of, draw the line and use your time wisely), and when they break up with that BF, you're next.

3. In conjunction with #2, women pretty much lose most of their bargaining power after age 30, when the bio clock starts ticking and they want to get married and have kids. Their standards and choosiness drops accordingly, because really, at age 30, a woman pretty much only has a 10 year window, MAX, to get married and pump out kids, if she hasn't already.

4. You, meanwhile, should be aging, getting more experience, accumulating assets and riches, and progressing in your career. At 30 and above, you have all women 18 and over to choose from. A lot of great younger girls like older guys -- some of my best female friendships have been with women in their early to mid 20s (I'm in my early 30s).

5. Cheer the f up. They can totally feel the negative vibe. Yes, get some friends to hang out with, or find a hobby, or both. Yes, get the tension out of your shoulders and the defeat out of your face. Be happy, women like a happy guy. They can smell him, and seek him out. They can smell negativity, and avoid it.

#5 is the most important. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking. If you are constantly thinking you'll never find a girl...you won't.

Like i said somewhere in another post:
In order to build a house, you have to have a solid foundation. In other words, you have to try to improve the things you don't like about your life, be happy, and be the best person you can be, before the other things come along.

ToadOfSteel
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14 May 2009, 12:40 am

SilverStar wrote:

you have to try to improve the things you don't like about your life, be happy, and be the best person you can be, before the other things come along.

How can you be happy if you have nothing to be happy about?

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14 May 2009, 2:20 am

Might I suggest NOT looking for love? Yes, your 24 and have never been in a relationship. Be careful what you wish for. I too felt the same way until I met my ex. She messed me up in so many ways I can't even begin to describe the pain she caused. She cheated on me with two different guys and with the second guy she got pregnant. To make matters worse she SLEPT with me whilst pregnant. I didn't know a thing because she was only a month or so pregnant, but SHE KNEW! Its disgusting. Someone I loved and trusted took advantage of my disadvantage and now I'm in a worse state of mind than before.

As I said, be careful what you wish for. Life is not without a sense of crude humour.

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