Romantic loneliness in men

Post Reply New Topic

I think preserving your integrity is a difficult task when society invalidates it, is there a way of learning to cherish it without making big mistakes though? As in, people usually have to learn these things through difficult experiences.

Genuine confidence is good for you and potential partners because its the foundation for making better decisions.

Is it like what you mentioned about friends, you weren't aware of missing friendships until you developed a close social circle?

I think it's quite true that people need to be flexible enough to try new things, just that there's really nothing worth the self-hatred that can result if a person finds out they simply aren't cut of the cloth that society demands that they be. That's where that flexibility needs to stop.

I mentioned that? Must have forgotten. I miss my female friend in a platonic way. Moving away and having a baby means I haven't seen her in a while.

It is quite normal for me to go a month or longer between seeing two friends. I don't really have that many. There is one friend I see weekly. He is non-verbal, on the spectrum and has CP. Basically I have two small groups, and context buddies from interests. Probably only three people I would consider true friends. I also work alone.

When I was younger I didn't get reciprocal friendship and I was moving around a lot due to dad's job. So I didn't keep in touch with people I met.

I need to to make time for meeting people which is tricky. My friend who I usually see weekly, I'm visiting him for a week as he has been staying in another country for a while. It has been great seeing him. On the other hand having the spare time has also been good. They don't come back for another month. I really need to kick things into gear, focus on the next phase of my life. They will eventually be moving to this country, and I will probably only be visiting them.

Recently I was contacted by I friend I had in high school. She is super smart, but very intense and she was excited to see me. She is also on the spectrum, and somehow found out I was. The lives in another country, which happens to be where my sister is living and this old friend found out I was coming. This country not near or cheap to get to, so it is a once a year thing at best.

The I was quite apprehensive about meeting up all these years later. Manly because I have moved on from my past and don't like to revisit it. I knew she lived there and as it had been a long time since we had been in touch I really only intended to see my sister and family.

I did meet her to tea. It went OK. I think she had a fondness for me when we were young, as we had a similar intellectual spirit (dispite me doing absolutely no school work at the time) and we would engage on that level.

Anyway it was good to catch up. However I'm still in two minds if to keep in touch. She is great person to converse with don't get me wrong, however every friendship is an emotional investment that can be stressful, or a least take some energy. Someone like her morso. As we are at great distance I wonder if it is better to invest in friendships closer to home. I feel bad about it though as there was this kindred spirit thing, and on one level it might be interesting if could do it in such a way that is not stressful. I just got to focus on meeting a few more people and maybe a lower dependency relationship.

Maybe it wasn't you then, though it's stuck in my head that you wrote something similar to that in a post, somewhere.

They can be emotionally taxing, but more friendships are a positive, especially with people you have commonalities with, it can be rare and friendships don't always last.

If it were me, I would stay in contact with the kindred spirit old friend in the other country, life changes, who knows...
Your past is a part of who you are, it's at least partly why you are you today; I understand not revisiting certain difficult parts of it, but isn't there something liberating about being with someone who knows you from the awkward childhood and sees how you have developed and they still like you?

Wrong country, OK, but there are always compromises.
I think within the idea of your lower dependency relationship, there will be compromises needed. How will you know what criteria might need alterations if you don't trial it?

I think it just requires people who are able to put effort into being emotionally supportive. I also think there are different types of negative energy. There's open depression, then there's repressed depression. I think repressed depression is far more toxic. It's when instead of admitting you're depressed and need some support, you act cranky and demanding and complain about everything your partner doesn't do. It's the latter where emotional tension just builds and builds until there's fighting. If you don't feel like it's safe to admit you're feeling unwell or overwhelmed, then the partner is the problem. If they tell you you shouldn't feel depressed then they are the problem. They don't have enough empathy to be in a relationship with a depressed person. Maybe 90% of people don't have a clue how to deal with depression, but there are some who do. It isn't automatically this huge burden on everyone.

That's like saying it's not a burden to take care of someone with Alzheimer's or ALS. Of course it is. And yes there are some special people who can handle another's illness and provide support. But that doesn't mean depression is not a burden.

The real issue is a lot of people tend to think depression is the depressed person's fault. People are more willing to put up with an illness when they can directly see that there isn't an easy cure. Most people simply don't understand depression, so they give a person with depression much less leeway than they would something else. Most people think there is a simple solution for depression. You just have to exercise more, get out more, take an anti-depressant, etc... and it's all cured. If those things still don't work "you're not trying hard enough". If they don't understand why they can't magically make you feel better all the time, you must be choosing to be depressed. It don't think it would be as much of a burden if people just accepted it and didn't treat it like something that someone is just stubbornly choosing.

It may have been me. I probably meant I didn't use to miss people until I developed proper reciprocal friendships, around my 20s. Then I got it. It is kind of true what you say, becuase I never had circles before then. People I associated with may have seen themselves as a circle but I wasn't aware. I find circle a lot easier if they don't overlap. It simplifies the social dynamic.



I don't know if I can keep up the intensity of correspondence. I always mull over everything I say, it takes me forever. There was some indication that she is bit more chill these days. I did say to her it would be once a month (this was before we met up recently). Although I thought she was cool with it she didn't reply, she may have thought I was being a flake and to be honest she has good reason to. I re-established contact once I arrived. When I had left the school that we attended (in yet another country), and I went back to England to finish my schooling, we were pen-pals. We wrote very absurd and surreal emails to each other. However, I was going through a very stressful period in my life and I became very withdrawn, so I stopped corresponding. She pleaded with me to write back, and became sad and angry. I don't know why I couldn't, I just needed to cut everything out. I don't know if she has ever forgiven me, but last time we met she didn't bring it up. She has left the ball in my court, I think.



Whatever do you mean? I never thought of her in that way. Whether she ever did, I don't know. Maybe, but that is long past and she has been married 10 years. I think it was like a platonic love. I think she has a fondness for me back then. We got on. If there is still mileage and if I can live up to expectations now, who knows?

Just to give you an idea of how clueless of love I was back then, a girl who I liked, after waiting sometime, said to me "If a girl likes a guy, she thinks he likes her back and is waiting for him to ask her out, what should she do?". I was too dumb to work out this wasn't a hypothetical. Of course there was another guy that asked, as I was too slow to act.



Yes I want to trial lower dependency relationships. I have to find someone similarly independent. I want to be really honest and upfront about it, and want them to be honest with themselves too. Of course there can be some compromise, however I know that kind of lifestyle that keeps me sane and happy. It doesn't fit in with the traditional relationships. I ti just not going to be feasible.

As I was unsure how it could work I haven't tried. However now, I think if I'm smart about it could be possible.

I love truly independent people, not just people who say they are. I would love nothing more to be supportive of their independence, trust them and the time we spend together would be qualitative.

True. It used to be that people just thought you had a bad attitude and needed to "be happy." As if it were a choice. A lot more is known about depression these days and the drugs available have improved even in the last twenty years. Thank God.

It is still hit and miss through. I wish there was better ways of knowing which drugs would work. Patients are still guinea pigs as far a psych meds are concerned. Some may find the perfect drug, others may not find one drug that works.

This is true. SSRI's are very overrated. Even if they work initially, they may stop working after a few years. There's also a point at which you can't increase the dose anymore without intolerable side-effects. At some point there are diminishing returns as the side-effects will simply make you more uncomfortable and thus more depressed. At that point adding more and more meds will likely make you feel worse overall. If you're on the maximum tolerable dose and still depressed you're in a frustrating predicament. Depression is obviously much more than a serotonin deficit. More likely it involves structures within the brain. SSRI's are a patch at best.

No reason to write them off though. I have been on the same dose of anti-depressants, etc for over two years. I have not had to increase the dose and they still work. They may not work for everyone, but that's no reason not to bother seeing if they do.

I don't

Fair enough, Im okay with a small amount of close people, but understand the intensity of managing correspondences with too many people, unfortunately I have withdrawn from people in the past which caused them to feel hurt and rejected, people always remember the hurt.

Oh I picked that up wrong, and yes that is quite clueless, though it seems to come with the territory.

I suppose it helps to know what you want, though I cant help but wonder if you will be with a person because they fit this criteria, instead of it being because you are attracted to them.