Serious issues with L&D Forum

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Actually, I think that a sticky with dating advice/tips for autistic men is a good idea.

I really think that they do need good advice. Being romantically lonely is a very real problem, and a lot of them don't seem to be able to figure out a way to make dating/relationships work for them. Some can't even get to the point of a first date. A lot of times I think society blames men for being unable to attract women, or at least doesn't think it's a real issue.

I've often thought that many of these guys were probably making simple mistakes, and just needed someone to observe them and give them advice. I don't think anyone offers such services specifically for autistic guys, but there's probably a need for it.

I've often given advice that seems to have been ignored, however. As a woman (even though I have ASD), I do have an idea of what women tend to like in men, and I know what they generally don't like.

It would be a good idea for some reasonable people of both genders to collaborate and and come up with some good dating advice, specifically for autistic men. Then it's up to them as to whether or not they want to use it.

I haven't really been following these events tbh.

However as with PPR I'm on the side of letting views stand, so long as the are no personal attacks.

I think it much better that views are aired and, if they are misinformed let people critisise them. This is a much better way to learn.

I don't think PPR is a problem forum, it has loads of valuable discussions. something that WP should be very proud of. Some people just don't enjoy that kind of dialogue, it is not for everyone.

Even if a person may need moderation. I advise against "I'm goign to report you" type posts. This just starts tit for tat. Report in private.

i'm also in the camp that allows people freedom of expression...however, i think there should be a sub forum, let's call it 'The Boxing Ring' for the sake of this post...no moderation in there, anything goes, enter at your own peril and no reporting of posters/comments in there allowed...meanwhile the rest of the forum is policed meticulously.

this would allow for a supportive and nurturing environment in the majority of the forum, with a clear understanding that The Boxing Ring is the place to go to duke it out.
i also feel the women's forum should be made a safe and secure environment for women ONLY. B19 makes salient points that i feel may have gotten lost on the thread imo.

in summary, everyone gets a say, in the way they want to say it, and within the bounds of the sub-forum they post to. i think if there is any form of negativity within an individual, they should be given the platform to let it out, where their views may be challenged, interrogated, examined, with an opportunity provided to fight it out ...the boxing ring would give them that platform...elsewhere, zero tolerance for sh***y behaviour outside of that sub forum so everyone must mind their manners.

This has been discussed multiple times, it is not offered becuase it is not either possible technically or desirable to segregate by sex. Alex has said as much.

There is a private forum, started by another member that offers this kind of service for women. You need to PM to them on this site to join.

A foe button that works would be nice.

I have Sly as a foe (not because I dislike him - it's because his constant negative posts are triggering and depress me to the point of suicidal thoughts).
I told Sly in one of his threads in the Haven a while back that I wasn't going to read his posts anymore and I selected him as a foe.
I thought this would block all of his posts but I can still read them.
It only blocks them from view if I try to reply.

Incidently, I received PMs from other members in support of my decision regarding Sly's posts and some of them admitted feeling the same way.
If we had a foe button that worked, members could be spared from having to read posts from people that they know constantly upset them.

Just a thought.

^ But since this is not working, then the only solution is to ignore certain members.

^ I'm going to ignore that

You could do this with client script in you browser.

Trigger warnings or avoidance is not backed up by those the treat PTSD or other mental conditions, it is not a viable long term solution.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/arc ... nd/399356/



Yes I do care.

Let the ignoring begins!

^ Weird how everyone stopped posting.

It must be the power of Boo.

BabaBoo.

I'm going to put a few rambling thoughts all in one post.

On the subject of "negative" threads and posters in L&D. If you look at forums dedicated to dating, or forums on dating websites, you'll actually see all the same threads there; "I am <insert long list of things women generally find negative>, how do I get a girlfriend?" or "Why does no-one respond to me\like me\whatever", "How do I make someone like me", "Why do women only care about....", "Why are men only after one thing" and so on. It's not just the fact that these questions have no real answer, it's more the tedium of repetition. The threads are constant. So in that respect L&D is not much different.

What can be done...well given experience of other forums - nothing. It is going to get to the stage where if people can't put up with the "negativity" they'll simply have to stop visiting the L&D section. In terms of moderation as a solution...stickies don't work, no-one reads them. You could moderate more severely but you'd have to decide the criteria as to what is acceptable. Alex's idea about a general advice thread\sticky would be good ONLY if when someone starts the typical "I have nothing going for me, how do I get a girlfriend" type thread a link to the sticky is posted and the thread closed\locked.

The other concept of "bad advice" is more interesting. How do you stop people giving bad advice on the internet? If you could solve that I dare say cold fusion would be next on your list. Let's be honest, in a lot of cases people on the autistic spectrum giving advice on dating is like the blind leading the blind. Yes there is a lot of "bad advice", but that's the internet, it’s for people to make their own decisions about these things. Maybe you could have a special role for the L&D section, a member or set of members (preferably not on the spectrum) who can be designated as "ambassador" or "evangelist" members for L&D that come with special visual account recognition such that people will give more weight to advice from those members.

What's eternally tricky on internet forums is the concept of "I think people who say things I don't agree with should not be allowed to say them", which is what many are effectively advocating even if they don't see it, and that's a system that can never work outside of North Korea. So do you just let people ignore who they want and listen to who they want? Or try and stop people who say things that some designated arbiter of what is "right" doesn't agree with? People *can* get repetitive in their negative responses, but that is just a response to repetitive questions so should we try and stop repetitive questions as well as repetitive answers?

I think this is a terrible idea. Not only because it is impossible to give appropriate advice without knowing someone in real life, but more importantly, because it promotes the misconception that "the one" is attainable by modification of behaviour. This is a false path and will lead to frustration.
I really get sick of this idea that love and relationships are a rightful reward for "proper" behaviour. A partner may or may not come along. Modifying yourself to attain a relationship is a bad plan.
Changing for yourself is far more productive.

Which bad advice?

I've always thought that the forum would be better if more people would post here. I know that the arguing puts people off, but I don't entirely understand that. It's like the people who don't stand up to oppression because they don't see the point. If everyone says no, then things change. That's how women got the vote. They didn't sit back and think, wouldn't it be nice of things changed.

If there were more users inputting comments then the percentage of regular users saying the same old same old would go down.

No one is going to change the culture here if they don't bother contributing to the conversation.

I.e. If someone sees bad advice jump into the thread and say that's not a good idea, how about this.

No one reads stickiess, the same way no one bothers Googling anything if they can just ask a question on a forum. Have you seen the amount of questions on Stackexchange that could have been solved by bothering to use Google?

Sometimes what people need is to discuss their problem. To feel like someone understands. They don't want someone saying, I'm not listening rtfm here's a link.

we could use another pair of eyes here on my/our side of the planet (time zone PDT) when i am gone for most of the day but otherwise i believe the mod team is well off.

having additional abilities like being able to restrict access of certain problem members to certain problem forums could be an option and has been brought up before, but i understand if that can't happen without having to rework the entire forum software ... i do support the guideline bit.



it is pretty difficult to offer specific advice for people one has never met: the entire subset that is autistic guys. advice here can be very hit and miss, yeah, but i think that if the guide happens, it'll have to be pretty general if you want to be really inclusive. but it's worth a shot.



i agree with this. i think fixing the friend and foe function "broken" for 1.5 years should be a priority. that alone would remedy scores of problems.



i can agree with this too.



this is a feature on quite a few other forums, i'm not sure how well it works over there but i worry about the bludgeoning and sparring spilling out in to the more civilized fora, as it often does here. IMO, a completely new forum with a completely new tone may be a stretch for now, but at least people who gripe here about the rules "restricting" their debate tactics would be able to let it out. very mixed bag.

Humans sleep, you know.