Is it unfair of me to ask my gf for a prenup in this case?

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Well then maybe you need to be NT to see what's wrong with this picture because 2 co-workers think it's bizarre as hell and so do I.

The best friend should have paid for both - not just ironpony's fiance. Idk, maybe NT women do see the situation differently.

If his gf is anything like my wife, I don't think counseling will do any good. Part of their setup seems to be that they cannot think rationally when they are upset and that arguments in that context never lead anywhere. Even if I'm a very calm guy myself, I can get into this same mindset when people are questioning something I have a strong interest in, and then I too sometimes become totally unreasonable. I think this might be an ND trait, which is why I think counseling doesn't work because these people have no competence on neurodiversity. The only way to deal with this is to ignore everything they say while they are upset, and then have a calm discussion after it has blown over. Of course, you should NOT point out the bad things they might have said while upset because that could easily lead to them getting upset again, and even if it doesn't, they typically already know they said bad things so you don't need to point it out to win the argument. Also, these people can have a pretty good idea that they are like this, and if you use it to win arguments, they can get depressed or suicidal because they want to change but are unable to do so.

There is nothing wrong with it. Your attitude is due to some strange wiring in your NT brains.

@rdos
Well, we don't know how his girlfriend really is, do we? I'm ND too and I've learned to walk away from escalation when I'm upset so I won't say horrible and sometimes irreparable things to people. That's exactly why I said they both need to prepare for the discussion and try to keep calm or at least take a break if they feel they can't do that, then start again.

I mentioned I don't want to take sides or make assumptions about either of them. And I've also had very bad experiences with therapists but I don't want to project this on others.

But that's not the point. They have a significantly different attitude towards finances and without reaching some kind of understanding on how to deal with it, it will only get worse. So either by themselves or with someone else's help they need to find a way to deal with it in a manner they're BOTH comfortable with, instead of giving each other ultimatums, fighting and keeping grudges. It doesn't necessarily have to be a prenup, just a strategy they both feel able to commit to.

That's not hard to solve, and it doesn't require prenups. You just make sure you keep your bank accounts separate. In addition to that, you can "charge" the one that is bad with finances for your shared costs. That's basically how we do it. I'm the one that pays the bills, wife gives me a certain amount for our shared costs, and then can do whatever she likes with the rest. It works perfectly well, and both of us are content with the arrangement.

Well good for you, it's apparently not so easy for them or the OP wouldn't post here. And he did mentioned that now his girlfriend doesn't agree with separate accounts either.

I've never had this issue in my marriage, but your method sounds fine to me since you're both content with it. As far as I see, we're basically in agreement that they also need to find some arrangement that works for both of them.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200001/will-your-marriage-last
Is this article of any help?

^I think this is probably some of the best advice on this thread.

But it's strangers on the internet who don't know the woman telling saying that? I mean how would you feel if she ignored your birthday because strangers on the internet made an assumption you were being manipulative or had less than honest intentions?

I mean you've been with her 3 years, do you feel she's been manipulating or taking advantage of you...or are you just going to believe she must be because someone on the internet made that judgement. It is probably best to seek some kind of couples counseling...maybe put the marriage on hold till you and her can sort some of this out.

If she fights you on everything though then it might be best to break things off since it takes two to make it work one person can't do it all and keep the other person happy at the same time. But with counseling there would be a mediator to hear both sides and give a non-biased objective assessment on what the both of you could work on or source of what seems to be some communication problems.

People on the internet haven't interacted with her, and quite frankly I think it's kind of rude people have taken it upon themselves to talk trash about your girlfriend to convince you to just immediately ditch her that's not non-baised objective advice, seems more like bitter people egging on a break up.

i know plenty of NT's who would have no problem with this. i see your way as controlling and overjealous, which usually springs from insecurity. not saying you're insecure. everyone has different styles. but it's something to look at.

getting back to the OP, she asked ironpony's permission to go, and he gave it. ironpony was invited, but declined.

also my NT husband has no problem with me being friends with guys. i wouldn't be with him otherwise. having been in an engagement with a physically abusive guy, i had counseling on how to avoid another such relationship. they gave me a list of warning signs to look for in the first six months, during which time one is not to get committed to the relationship. it included overjealousy and controlling, part of which is limiting friendships.

I don't think it's rude at all. If you are going to air your dirty laundry to people you don't know and ask for their advice - I'm saying exactly what I think. I'm not going to paint the situation as all roses if I don't think it is.

Last edited by nurseangela on 22 May 2016, 3:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Then that's your opinion. I'm just not going to put myself in a position where I'm going to be made a fool of and someone hangs me out to dry taking everything I've spent years saving. If the other person comes to the marriage with equal assets I see no problem. But, they aren't going to come to the marriage with a job, spend their money and then expect me to pay for everything else too. And now she doesn't want to do separate checking accounts either?! I seriously think the woman is growing a penis. She's not going to compromise on nothing. Screw that and screw her.

I believe it's the context not just her going to a movie with a friend. But she wanted him to pay he said he could, so she was like oh well then I'll just get your friend(ex?) to pay for it. She probably flirted to do so. It was a ultimative either he does it or she'll just get some other guy to do it for her. Sorry if you can't see that but I'd piss me off too.

If she'd just been like one day hey I'm going go see s movie with you friend. It'd be fine. Sounds like she's being childish and wanted it to hurt him. Like w kid of a divorced parents putting them up against each other to get the things they want.

Not what this situation is about . This is about her going to exes and hiss guy friends to get objects and money after he said he can't afford them.

You'd be fine if you husband went to your female friends after you said no to something and him flirt with them to get it?

Most guys are going to spoil their friends gf for nothing. Imagine they don't have a gf as if they did shed likely be upset their spending money on a friends gf and not them.

She needs to learn that you don't get everything you want instead of getting others to pay for stuff.

I don't care if my gf had guy friends unless there exes, I would care if ever time I said we couldn't afford to do something she ran to them and begged them to pay for her to do it. I'd just be like go be their boyfriend then.

Your just inturptung this as he must just not like her having guy friends he's just controlling, guys the bad one. Some Women here always seem to side with the woman regardless of situation. Because you imagine you as that woman, but she's not you she's her.

If my gf said no to something, I'd go home with her, not run to her friend and ask her to take me.

sly, read all the posts in this thread. i've sided with ironpony, too.

also, you're reading into the situation. we have no evidence she flirted to get a free movie or that she has a habit of flirting for money.

angela, on the money issue, i think they need to come to an understanding. i agree it may be a deal-breaker.