hurtloam wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Quote:
Looking backwards through my life there were many, many people I had true connections with that just were never meant to be my life partners. They are happy memories. They were very real. But they weren't meant to be my 24 hour a day sustainable life partner. That sort of situation just is. You are going to find that can happen with anyone; it is not limited to ASD/NT relationships. People come with different needs and different assets, and the list of what needs to match up in order to have a sustainable long term relationship is pretty long. You and this guy don't match up, it is as simple as that
I agree with this.
Though it happens so rarely for me that it just ends up hurting so much. I never get to keep anyone. There are only ever just moments, nothing permanent.
Makes me wonder what the point of feelings are other than torture.
I am sorry it feels that way, like torture.
I spent a lot of years before I got married wondering why my relationships never seemed to work out. And I spent a lot of years after that wondering why I never seemed to build and keep the kinds of lifetime non-romantic friendships I see around me all the time. I've come to realize that for whatever subconscious reason, I am actually choosing it. Once I realized that I am actually choosing it, it got a lot easier to accept. Difficult to explain, but worth thinking about it. I do acquaintances really well, but deeper relationships? Not so much. Perhaps there is some level of freedom for me in that; I'm not completely sure. I just know I unintentionally choose it.
NO I AM NOT CHOOSING TO BE HURT AND REJECTED
What a stupid hurtful thing to say.
What's the point in even bothering to explain my circumstances.
I have few men to choose from and the available ones have no interest in me. Why would they want weirdo me when they have 10 other normal women to date and marry.
I fell hard for someone last year who seemed to adore me, but his friends always seemed to be making things awkward and laughing at us because we're older than them and we just stupid losers to the. I couldn't work out whether he liked me really or it was all some stupid joke.
Every time we tried to organise doing something together it went wrong, like I caught a nasty stomach bug and couldn't leave the house. Everything just went wrong.
I still don't understand what happened. But I wanted it to work out. I don't understand what happened.
It always seems the guy has a little interest, but goes for someone normal instead. And now there's no one my age left who hasn't already rejected me.
I am fully aware that my personal experiences and realizations may not be useful for someone else. Hence, sharing a personal story and not saying more than "something to think about."
But I do believe that unconscious thoughts and desires and stresses can have manifestations in physical illness. Sometimes it is bad luck, but sometimes a little more may be going on.
I am a person who has often been at war with myself. I get attracted to the fantasy of something, but another part of me understands that I either don't want or should not have the reality of it. You gain in a relationship, but you give things up, too. I always always wanted kids, but being a parent has been hard on both my physical and mental health. I will never regret the opportunity and the choice, but did part of me know what my conscious mind couldn't see coming down the road? I know for sure I could not and should not have done it ten years earlier than fate allowed me to. Anyway. Those are the kinds of thoughts I sometimes have looking backwards.
I have seen a lot of interesting pairings in my life. I don't consider it a given for anyone that there can't be someone who will love them just as they are. But you have to be ready, too, for what that will actually look like. It isn't like a movie or a book. People bring all their own flaws and baggage into relationships. It got crazy scary for a while, my relationship with my husband, shortly after we got married. I could not have gotten through that if I hadn't learned from years of hurt how to turn my perspective and adapt.
I don't want anyone to give up. But I also think there are many variables we don't see, many of which we are actually controlling without realizing it. I am not suggesting AT ALL that you would choose to be hurt and rejected. But you could be choosing to avoid the possibility of something serious by, for example, finding yourself unable to be attracted to the right kind of person for you. Or planning activities that other people like but you've never actually thrived in. That has, at least, been what I see when I look backwards at my own life. There are many ways of making a choice.
I should add this: deciding that I was somehow making a choice helped me change the way I came across to others and, thus, establish a permanent relationship. My husband hesitated asking me out in part because despite all the signals I thought I was giving he "knew" I wasn't really interested. I think when we first met I truly wasn't ready for the relationship we would eventually have. There were still things I needed to do and learn, and he felt that in what I was projecting. Our first date was two years later. A lot had changed in me by then.
A caveat: I don't really remember the history of most posters here. I usually respond to something specific I've seen without drawing in any of the background. It can be weirdly effective. But it can also be super far off. I sincerely apologize if I've written anything that hurt you or made things worse.
_________________
Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
Last edited by DW_a_mom on 04 Oct 2017, 6:07 pm, edited 4 times in total.
04 Oct 2017, 3:23 pm
