Will I have to become what I hate?

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How likely is he to get a girlfriend living with his parents in a town he hates? Moving to a better situation is possible, I've done it. And having a girlfriend isn't the most important thing in the world.

But if he can’t do that how likely is he to get a gf If he never even try’s to get one.

How likely am I to get food if I never leave my house? Food won’t come to me

First of all, I’m not saying this applies to ANYONE here NECESSARILY. Sly, as one example, I think you have a lot of potential and very well might meet with success in romantic relationships. You bring up some excellent points, though, and I think that deserves an honest look.

I once gave advice to someone whose gf’s parents were very strict regarding where/how/when they dated, and it was apparent her mental issues were severe. Not “low functioning,” exactly, but potentially dangerous, I think. The way I put it at the time, 1) there’s no future in that relationship because she can’t/won’t get away from parents, and 2) there are possibly some legal issues related to her disability that prevents her from being in any relationship beyond her parents.

I repeat, I don’t KNOW if this applies to anyone here right now, and I’m not pointing fingers or judging ANYONE.

But I’m curious as to whether someone MIGHT have a problem with a disability perhaps being severe enough that she or he could not effectively function in a LTR?

I always dreamed of being a fighter pilot. It’s never gonna happen. I’m myopic with astigmatism to boot. I’ll never be able to tell the difference between a friendly plane and an enemy. Plus I’m not all that bright, which I’m sure is obvious to most people here. And I’m too old at this point.

And y’know what? I’ve become content to watch war movies and leave it at that. Because as long as my fingers and hands stay busy behind a computer or a piano, fewer lives are lost. Besides, people actually like it when I play piano, bass guitar, clarinet, saxophone, flute, or the alto recorder. One awesome I’ll never have, but the other you’ll NEVER take away from me! Anyway...

I strongly dislike the idea that some people CANNOT be in a relationship. It’s an offensive idea to me. And it’s especially offensive because I’ve known disabled people who DID manage to pair up. I don’t even like suggesting it. But here I am all the same. Is it possible or even remotely likely that part of the problem is the extent of the disability? Controlling/strict parents, inability to escape circumstances, unwillingness to alter or change what we can...things like that IMO are a tip-off that maybe there’s a REASON we are where we are sometimes.

My apologies if I’m completely out of line or even dead wrong. I’ll maybe forget and bring it up again maybe once in 2018. I wonder about it because when so much advice or help goes by completely disregarded, there’s nothing left but empathy and validation. The Haven is an excellent sub forum for that.

Hang on, there. I disagree with the political angle he put on it, but basically he’s right. Moving back and forth from assistance is HARD. I can’t pay back my student loans because I don’t make enough money. But once I start making more money and have a little extra, I’ll have less than I do now. It would take a significant change in income to overcome that. When you’re dealing with a disability and assistance, it just drags you deeper down that rabbit hole, and often we lack the literal ability to punch through.

You and I might have better control over our circumstances. I lost my teaching credentials (nothing bad, I just gave up on my career because my success was, ummmm...far less than I’d hoped for) and was fortunate to work for a school who would give me a chance until I got my creds reinstated. I could lose my contract tomorrow and go anywhere I want and make enough money to pay all my debts within 3 years. Just 2 years ago I couldn’t say that. Not everyone CAN exert that amount of control over their lives.

I agree with this advice. Prioritize the move and finding ways to make it happen. A will lead to B.

I KNOW that is challenging. But challenging doesn't have to mean impossible. Getting the best of life requires investing in difficult choices. That's just how it is.

You will have to think about it and decide, but your therapist may have a point. Sometimes we focus on something as a way of avoiding unpleasant and difficult tasks. It's easier to dream and obsess than do the work to make changes in your life. Sometimes we know exactly what we need to do but the tasks to get there are so daunting we will subconsciously find all sorts of reasons to not start.

I think it would be worth your while to do the work it will take to make the difficult change of moving.

No, it does not and no, I do not know that you can't get your life "together" in a sufficient way for you to be happier in it. Would someone like me take the time to talk on this board and offer thoughts and advice if I believed that? NO. My hope is to help people get what they want. Hey, maybe its just a pipe dream of mine that I can ever actually help anyone, but I still have it. No one is saying "wait," we are suggesting (hopefully) positive changes that (we believe) increase the odds of everything come together. There is no "wait" involved, just "put your energy here instead." Sometimes you need to do A before B, just like you have to learn to walk before you try to run. We can't magically find the perfect answer for your life over a message board, but we can hope that one of us will find the right advice which will actually make something better for you. Take it in the spirit it is offered.

I am ready to be the main investor in this.

Just so we're clear: I have not told Markins to give up at any point, I suggested he puts the issue aside until a few other things have been fixed. If Markins was completely unable to fix those things and I knew that, then what I said would've been equal to telling him to give up.

Also, Markins has answered the question and his answer was that he doesn't think it to be impossible even though it'll be hard. So when it comes to him, I consider my advice to be valid. If those things are completely impossible for you then the advice would be invalid had I given it to you, but the thing is that I didn't. I gave the advice to Markins who it might actually work for.

In the past, people would tell me, usually in harsh tones, things like "You don't need a girlfriend!" or even "Girls are trouble!" but it was usually by people already in relationships so that always made me more upset, especially when the depression was truly kicking in. The latter was also a reflection of how sexist the Bible Belt really is and how a lot of men here don't really like women except for sex. They distorted my outlook and made me fearful I would have to become what I didn't want to be. Some would say similar things like what you just told me or to work on myself but my mind always took it wrong before now.

These people sound like 50+ women.

I've actually been hit on by 60+ women more than ones my age. I don't know how to say it without sounding ageist but I just could never date an elderly woman. Not only would there be a huge generation gap, we wouldn't likely share any common interests. A lot of elderly Bible Belt women also didn't take care of themselves growing up and have all sorts of health problems. I wouldn't rule out a woman in her 30's-50's if she took care of herself and was intelligent.

Great answer and sums it all up

'I wouldn't rule out a woman in her 30's-50's if she took care of herself and was intelligent.'

There can be a huge difference both physically and mentally between 30s and 50s. If you see 30s as 'older' then you must still be very young.

Defo good points there.

I believe in “fake it until you make it.” A lot of problems happen when we fail to adequately communicate what actually mean and we’re misunderstood. Like when you get so much advice to “just be yourself.” Well, I’ve always been myself and gotten written off as weird or otherwise incompatible. And I think the problem for me most of the time was my outward behavior didn’t really reflect the inner me, the guy I wanted people to know.

Letting that side of me come through meant shoving aside so many distracting behaviors in a way that was unnatural for me. There was always a “fakeness” to how it felt. People pick up on that, too. But over time as new behaviors become habit, people either get used to it or you become more natural about it.

It’s not that you become fake or are any less yourself. It’s just that the “you” that feels natural and easy isn’t really YOU, at least not the you that you want people to get to know. But finding out how to communicate that feels off, which makes it seem fake. It’s NOT.

It’s like traveling to a foreign country and not speaking the language. You can be super nice all you want, but nobody can help you if they don’t know what you are saying. Before you become fluent in a new language, it’s unnatural and difficult. But at least you’re communicating in such a way you can get what you need. People will be able to tell you are not native and have difficulties. You’re just not totally closed off. Some fakery is necessary at times. It can’t be helped.

I am 29 years old. I sometimes feel mentally young because I haven't had the same life experiences people my age generally do but at the same time I feel old because my hair is thinning, my muscle tone is weak, and my memory is sometimes bad.