NT female seeks input on AS male's fears

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Very well put. I'd say the same thing about myself.


Combined with poor impulse control, yes - a strong personality trait of both my ex and his. My ex and I have no contact anymore, but I have concerns about how his ex will react, when she becomes aware that there is a new woman in his life - and interacting with her children. I explained that to him, but he didn't seem so concerned. I don't currently have enough information, to know whose assessment is closer to the mark.


"Internal ethics committee" - nice! I'm sure he would describe it the same way.


Oh, I've already lost faith, many times. I cycle in and out. Each loss-of-faith event is less severe than the last. I suppose I'm having one right now. For one thing, it's become quite routine. For another, he inches a little closer each time. In my "low moments," I bank on (1) his fear/dislike of being alone, (2) his view of new, strange women as too risky, and (3) his need for help with the kids.


Yes, he's always been picky about his company, as am I. I have no extended family with demands and expectations - just my mother, and she "gets it" - so that's easy. And an awesome cat who does a great job taking care of his humans. In this regard, I bring just about zero baggage to the table.


I know. As am I. Even when it means I can't immediately have what I want, I can relate.


Right, although many NTs are sensitive enough to be sure everyone is included (unless a person is signaling discomfort, which is interpreted to mean that they don't want to be included). This situation was a bit different. It was the first time my Aspie and I had been face-to-face in 9 years. We were both still married to other people - which did nothing to blunt the intensity of our feelings. He introduced me to the colleague as a "friend" from grad school (which went well beyond euphemism, into the realm of total BS - an impressive lie for an Aspie, I guess), which the colleague quickly sensed. He made small talk about sports and then he got lost. It was awkward for the colleague, not for either one of us. His sense that he was "interrupting something" was 100% correct. At the time, I wondered why my Aspie didn't seem worried, that the colleague might go back to the office and spread rumors.


Exactly. I never called him my boyfriend. I called him my lover. I explained that distinction to him not too long ago, and he seemed to agree and understand, but I don't know for sure. The distinction is critical, in my mind - but I've been hesitant to make it in this discussion. I don't know if it matters or not.


Please feel free to share more - I'm learning a lot from your experiences.

Thank you! And thank you for following the story, and for caring. I know I can be quiet intense, but I'm on a learning spurt here.


Oh, dearest, I already have. Silence. He's in blackout mode. That's ok. We've been through this m-a-n-y times. Usually I wait a few months, and then try again. Friendly, open-ended, no pressure. He always responds eventually. This time is a bit tough, due to the weeks of romantic/sexual anticipation, which culminated in . . . a business lunch.

One thread I read here on WP concerned NT's bizarre, inexplicable, incomprehensible need for continuity - contact at regular, frequent intervals. My relationship with this guy has been nothing but an endless string of *discontinuities,* so that was quite helpful. By "discontinuity," I mean his apparent disregard for the passage of time. 3 weeks, or 3 months, or 3 years will pass, and each time he seems oblivious to what might have changed for me in the meantime. My feelings never change, but of course my circumstances shift. I do not honestly know if he experiences the passage of time the same way NTs do. Often my sense is that he does not. But - ?

^^This pretty much describes me. My Aspie on the other hand could go a whole day without contact. Which wouldn't be so strange except that we work together! So for him to be sitting in the same buidling and not have the desire to say anything to me seems strange to me. So I email him every morning. He responds in kind. Sometimes quickly sometimes not so quickly. That lets me know what his mood is like. I take my cues from him. Sometimes we email all day, sometimes maybe once or twice. I visit him at least once a day and that's how our continuity goes. Weekends are for him. I have NEVER heard from him on the weekends. But that's okay, he's recharging, doing his thing, etc. So we've got a "rhythm" going.



I think that thread you read explains a lot about this. I think the issue is the constant need to connect. In my situation, I typically initiate all contact. Unless there is something he's dying to tell/ask me. One time he was gone for a few days from work which bled over into the weekend. It seemed like I hand't talked to him in ages. I sent him text and he never responded. But when he came back it was like we just picked up where we left off. I read that in a lot of the posts here from the NT partner in an NT/AS relationship. I think he knows it's been a while but he feels like he'll connect with me when he comes back or whenever so what's the big deal? Have you read the blog "Life with Asperger's"? There was an intersting article in there that talked about working on your Asperger-Neurotypical relationship. There was a particulary helpful bit in there about "He wont miss me when I'm gone". Which is how I used to feel. I would think if I went missing, he wouldn't notice.

Hopefully someone here can shed some light on this. I'm talking a few days you're talking a few weeks, months etc. I don't understand that part. That's a long time.

Forgive me if my thoughts are jumbled, I'm at work and trying to fit this in between..well work! !

I think we're both right. You may well be a natural leader - but if you'd suddenly found yourself on a battlefield with no training, I'm not sure that would have done you much good... (No offense meant when I say this, and I do understand that making any decision, even a terrible one, under battlefield conditions is better than freezing while you try to figure out what to do. But if you're not prepared, you aren't likely to do that much better... No one is.)

And remember, those who might be asked to follow you into battle will often have to have training in order to accept that they should. Because if shells start landing around them, their own mind tells them to get the hell out of there, even if that's the worst thing they could possibly do. A relationship may not be a battle - but I'm guessing that for "your Aspie", with his experiences, it's just as terrifying.



That's probably because he has no concept of what you're trying to convey to him. Years of reading have helped me to get into other people's heads a bit - and writing has done even more to help me think of what it might be like. But when I was younger, the abilities you're speaking of seemed to me almost like superpowers. Men (and, sorry, but in history, they were nearly always men) who could step into a situation where so much could go wrong and figure out what to do and how to pull a miracle from disaster awed me.

And, remember, whatever you don't understand is exotic. In the 1800s, most children, if they had time to play at all, played at being King or Queen. Queen Victoria's children didn't play at being Queen or King - they played at being farmers and other "normal" things, because to them it wasn't normal at all. It was mysterious and exotic. (And they didn't understand any more of the reality than the other children understood of being King or Queen, but that's not the point.) I'm not sure he was trying to objectify you. It's simply the case that you've told him you can do things literally beyond his imagination, so of course he thinks of you as somehow exotic. (For that matter, I'd be willing to bet, if you could identify someone you considered a real "international woman of mystery", that woman would tell you that she's normal. We're all normal, to ourselves.)

Yes, of course, as he gets to know you, he'll see that you're normal. I'm not doubting that. Rock stars may be rich and famous, but they still use the bathroom, still put their pants on one leg at a time. They're only exciting to you, because that's not your world. This gets back, once again, to perspective.



I certainly understand why this is bothering you, and I don't have a simple answer, but I do think I can at least explain. Just please read carefully, because this may sound like one thing before I'm finished, and whatever you decide to do about it, at the very least I'd hate to think you read this part quickly and misunderstood it.

If you think of what you've told us yourself about him, first, he doesn't understand emotions - his or other people's - well at all. He never learned to. Then, most women have treated him like a piece of meat. So how else would he learn to interact with women? He's not a chauvinist as much as he's a product of his experience. That's all he's been taught, so it's all he knows. The fact that sex is incredibly intense, and I think for some of us (those who aren't asexual) even more of a lure than for NTs (which is saying a lot...) just makes it easier for all his feelings to go in that one direction, the only one he knows. And, at least for me, it really is one way to express things that can't be "said" any other way.

But, it is obvious there is more in there than a desire for sex. I say that because he's upset that women treat him like a piece of meat. Well, if all he wanted from them was a night's fun, why would he care? And it sounds as though he has enough money that if all he wanted was some dumb girl who is the flesh and blood incarnation of a blow up doll and just wants a guy to take care of her, he could get that easily enough. There are girls like that who would adore him, just because of all the cash.

Still, he's stuck on you. Some of that may be physical attraction (I have no idea what you look like, and even if I'd seen your picture, his tastes might not be mine, so I still wouldn't know how much) but it can't all be. There just isn't any woman in the world who's that special if we're just talking about her body. (Crude as it is, the old-fashioned expression 'Why buy a cow when milk is so cheap?' makes this point.) Although I very much prefer something more than just a night's fun, I do understand the attractions of that. And it only goes so far. If there weren't something more, he would never have come back after things went bad the first time. That I'm sure of. Especially since when I'm thinking only in the physical realm, variety is a lot more interesting than the "same old thing". (I am not claiming this is what I want overall, simply saying that if I just wanted a bed partner and nothing more, then I'd get bored.) I might get into a rut for a while, sure, but once one arrangement went sour, that would be the end of it. (Like food; I can be happy eating a less varied diet than NTs would like, and I'll eat the same thing for a long time - but then I want to switch. And if I have a bad experience with that food, it's probably something I won't go back to easily.)

So I think you're much more than just a fun romp to him. On the other hand, he has no idea how to have a relationship, and since he's never had the chance to learn, if you want one with him, you're probably going to have to teach him. (It doesn't sound as though he's well equipped to do much learning in that area on his own, in any sense of the idea.) The plus side of that, of course, is that at least he'll be learning the right way instead of having learned what other women wanted. And I do have to point out - in most relationships, there's still a pretty big issue of learning what the other person wants, instead of just assuming what "everyone" wants, which never works out that well.

That might be a better way to describe it - not so much a different sense of time passing, but the absence of a constant need to connect. I have that sense of "just picking up where we left off" too, no matter how long it's been - weeks, months, years. It always feels familiar and homey with him, and he feels it too. It's one reason his behavior now only sort of makes sense to me: after tough times, who wouldn't cleave to that? I've done all I can to assure him that he can't mess up with me, but as TheWanderer pointed out, that's my one tiny voice against the gale force winds of of his life experience.

My Aspie and I have developed a friendship, and I have many friends with whom I have contact just as infrequently - we check in only once or twice a year. We go back a decade or two, we live far apart, we're busy, etc. But this has a much different character with him. In his view, we are not having "a relationship" right now (he means in a romantic sense, and I agree). He wants that, but he's going through a process, which takes more time than it would for an NT. I've known him to go through such a process before. The triggering events were comparatively minor, and that took 1 1/2 to 2 years, during which time he did not date at all. So during this process, I contact him every so often to see how he's doing, and he responds when he feels up to it. Every time, he's in a much better, more receptive frame of mind. (Without that, I would have given up long ago).

After each "check-in," however, struggling to understand everything and recover wipes me out. That takes a few weeks, and then I reach an end point, "shut off," and quit thinking about it. So each of these "check-ins" are simultaneously good and useful, but also quite painful and draining for me. I do my best to tune out the sense of a ticking clock, that our lives are passing us by. But I am lonely, and ready to get on with it. (I did give up for a while, and had a bit of relationship with someone else in there, for about a year. A quite forgettable disappointment, but a good distraction at the time.)

My Aspie is now aware that this process is painful for me. Not long ago, he remarked that I'm the only woman who has ever come back to him - and certainly, never as often as I have. Impatiently, I explained that it's not that I "keep" coming back to him. It's that I have been right here all along, 10 miles away, waiting patiently for him to *actually* say yes to me, rather than just *hypothetically*. To him, it's just knocks on the door with dead space in between, as if the knocker just vanishes into thin air. Now, he knows that I am attached to the knuckles doing the knocking, and that I continue to exist, right on the doorstep, so to speak, whether the door opens or not. So long as I feel that progress is being made - that there is a point - I can handle the pain and loneliness. (Some days better than others.)

Now, I think I'm reaching an endpoint, and ought to quit thinking about it, so soon I will probably check out of WP for a while. There's really nothing I can do but attend to my own life in the meantime. This discussion has been tremendously helpful, and I feel like I made new friends. I hardly know how to thank ToughDiamond and TheWanderer for such patience and thoughtfulness, helping me puzzle it all out. I will print out the whole thread and read it when I need reminders. I'll also look for that article on the LwA blog! I know in the end, I'm the only one who can judge. For now, my instincts say, hang in there. I've made it this far, so I think it would be foolish to give up just yet. Of course I will report any and all updates!

At least she's already expressed herself when he had that fling, so maybe she'll be calmer about it, but I'd expect her to feel threatened, comparing herself to you, wondering if you're going to try to replace her. So I guess she might turn nasty.


I heard AS ethics described as being different from NT ethics - Aspies were said to calculate ethics rather than feel them.


That sounds hopeful, spiralling in.


Yes, he doesn't seem particularly at risk of vanishing permanently, compared to most developing relationships.


If he likes animals, puss will help. I've heard Aspies say they prefer animals to humans. I know what they mean, animals are simpler. It would seem that your environment is about as Aspie-friendly as it gets.

True. First I ever saw of it was a guy who was talking to somebody else, and when I looked at him, he began to alternate between looking at his friend and looking at me. I haven't seen it much, probably because I haven't socialised much, except as one-to-one, and also more than likely my Aspie social style has often made people wary of including me. When I think about some of my past blunders, I don't wonder why I'm quiet these days.


It would have been hard to know what else to say though.


Well yes, the difference between what was said and the emotional reality was huge. I guess the answer was that your Aspie hadn't noticed the colleague's signals, so wasn't worried? It's odd you should mention Aspies understating things though. I've been able to do that for as long as I can remember.


A need to know where you stand? Yes I think I do that with relationships, try to define them. I suppose the distinction is helpful. I guess you can compare what it is with what you want. The "lover" thing has fewer expectations than the "relationship" thing. I think relationships usually begin as "lover" type and then move to the "relationship" type.

And I from yours. I look forward to grabbing a bit more time tomorrow to continue.

Absolutely. For a long time, he made so little sense to me, I harbored an "exotic" view of him too. Some wild ideas crossed my imagination, but I tossed those out, really listened to him, and considered what his daily life was actually like. Certainly, my view of him has become much more normalized and realistic. I don't love him any less, but it has taken the edge off the mystique that made it so passionate. That's probably a good, healthy thing.


Yes! Great point. Maybe I should I remind him of a touching moment we had back then. This is a bit vulgar, so bear with me. After quite a wild night, in a sleepy, unguarded moment, he (inadvertently) farted, and I burst into laughter. The poor guy was mortified, which made me feel terrible. So quickly I explained why I was so delighted that he'd finally "broken the fart barrier."

This is a furtively-discussed, but well-known milestone in every new relationship: everyone farts, and someone has to go first. It signals a deeper level of intimacy and comfort, but it's gross, so by convention it is the man. Since many men are more comfortable with farting than talking about intimacy, they will signal their readiness to "take the relationship to the next level" by, ahem, cracking a rat. It's not a marriage proposal, but a step in the right direction, and many couples have funny stories about "the first wind." My college roommate had to promise her fiance that she would fart for him on their wedding night. It's about the intimacy of the moment, not the bodily function. Once I explained this, that he had nothing to be embarrassed about, that in fact he had done a very good thing, he was puzzled, but quite relieved.

But a question stuck in my mind. How could he be 30 years old, and not know this? He had a brother, male friends, and much more sexual experience than I - he'd even already been married and divorced once. So how is it that he still had such inhibitions about something so mundane? I get it now, but this goes to broader issue of knowing how to express intimacy in a relationship.


Bingo. Exactly. If one doesn't understand emotions, one won't understand intimacy either. He did many intensely emotional, intimate things back then, but it seems he often didn't realize, that that's what he was doing.


He and I discussed this in the early days. He did not want sex. He wanted love. Yet, he kind of knew he'd wind up with a someone who was hot for his resume, a gold-digging bimbo. I couldn't imagine how, but that's more or less what happened. I'm certain he has no interest in risking that again.

I'd say he's very conflicted about sex. On one hand, he loves it, craves it, misses it. I read an anecdote about an AS man with sensory issues, who loved to roughhouse with the kids and the dogs. He'd roll around on the floor and have them all pile on top of him. He was a "deep-tissue" guy who liked the feel of the weight. That's consistent with my Aspie. (Edited to finish the thought: on the other hand, girls do not adore him, despite the cash, because he is big and strong and scary. I am only now starting to appreciate how many times he has been rejected after - and during - a romp. Just as there are plenty of girls looking for a sugar daddy, there are plenty of sugar daddies who aren't physically terrifying. He is really quite boxed in.)


Doing my best to be the default option here! The process of elimination has to work eventually!


Agreed. As for my looks, well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. FWIW, he calls his ex "attractive." He calls me "fantastic." I've always thought I was just an average brown mouse. I'm not ugly, but "fantastic" is going rather too far. But then, I think the guy dubbed "Frankenstein" is the most handsome man on earth (and just as misunderstood). If you're familiar with the Brontes, I see him as a misanthropic Heathcliff/Rochester anti-hero kind of guy. Not being into literature, unfortunately, that didn't mean anything to him.

After a decade, he remembered me as the one "who loves him just for who he is." It doesn't mean I never get upset, but I was glad he remembered me that way. Accurately. That's more important than whether he thinks I'm a spy or a rock star.


All wise words. I once thought that myself: he has no idea how to have a relationship. What I want is probably very different from what he's used to. I actually told him what I want: to fall asleep in his arms every night, like we used to (or as often as is feasible). Everything else is negotiable. I meant that literally. If I have that, I can deal with anything else. Sounds like that's a good thing!

Last edited by waitykatie on 15 May 2012, 7:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think you've exhausted all avenues. All there is to do now is wait and see-wait and see when he decides what he wants to do and wait and see how you feel when he does.

Yes, I think so - although this has really helped tease out that AS is only one aspect. The issues with understanding emotions, intimacy, and how to have a relationship will be equally significant, if not more so. That's something I hadn't considered, when I started this thread. I admit, I was thinking it was all about the neurology, perception and cognitive issues, but there's a LOT more to it than that. It all comes down to communication, and at least we have communication styles that mesh fairly well. Still, trying to figure out what to communicate, and how to communicate it, will be a major challenge, and it's always better to be aware of that in advance.

Oh my yes, she "expressed herself!" He was as good to her as he knew how, but it was never enough. I don't believe he consciously had that fling with the intent of provoking the end, but I do believe that was his subconscious intent. She's going to be nasty no matter what he or I do, so I just take that as a given.


Or, he didn't care. It was pretty clear that any marital relationship or feelings of fondness were already long gone.

Do you mean you've always been able to pick up on nonverbal signals like that?


True - but my sense is that he either doesn't grasp that, or it's irrelevant. In my perception, "where I stand with him" has always been totally ambiguous, except in an emotional sense. That's why I never really made a fuss, and I'm disinclined to now. Yes, eventually I'd like the structure of a relationship, the honor of marriage, etc. But one thing I said to him is that, the bonds of matrimony are not what keeps a couple together, not in this day and age, and certainly not for either of us. Love, respect, communication, and compatibility are what hold a relationship together. We have all that. As you say, he seems to be spiraling in.

I'm skeptical about the existence of an entire unconscious mind with the capacity to work such a scheme out, but I can't disprove it either, and I'm sure there is mental activity of which we are unaware. Judging by my own small experiences with infidelity, it's simply a matter of whether or not I feel properly bonded to the official partner........if so, other women don't really impinge on me sexually.....if not, it's a slow war between my ethics and nature, and of course nature always wins in the end.


Ooh no, I meant I've been able to understate things for as long as I can remember. Telling a downright lie would be very difficult for me, and I'm very prone to handing out a data dump of pathological honesty, regardless of the consequences. But I've had the ability for "economy with the truth" for a very long time.


I agree that ultimately it's how a couple feel about each other that governs how it pans out over time. Marriage has never made any great difference to me one way or the other........I think there's a bit more respect from society for a married couple, i.e. sexual predators tend to keep more of a distance, but it's not absolute. It's nice to know that if you should die early, your spouse would be legally entitled to a big slice of your estate, if they couldn't otherwise support themselves, but that's getting less relevent now that women usually have their own careers. Theoretically marriage should help to normalise any wrangling over wealth and custody of children on separation, but again the law can be an ass. As a man, I'm quite mindful that I could get fleeced: I marry somebody, they start handing out emotional cruelty, I eventually quit, then I'm their meal ticket for the rest of my life, if they can show that they've given up career options for the marriage and done a bit of housework.

Amazing.........my son and I still default to watching DVDs together every time we meet. We've done other things - shared food, built computers, and we do have some conversations, but mostly it's watching the screen. When he was younger he would have tons of ideas about what to do, which were very welcome, because I'm lousy at thinking of activities out of the blue.........definitely much more reactive than proactive, but not in a bad way.

Vanishing nanny - weird that she left her stuff. Hope she didn't get killed or anything. I know babysitters aren't always up to much. I wanted to sack the one who "looked after" my son, as all she did was to collect as many kids as she could, drop them off at a day centre, pay the man, pocket the profit. But I had to let a lot of stuff go, as I already had enough boat-rocking issues with my ex-wife....she didn't agree it was a problem.

My mother's anger management wasn't good, and there was a lot of conflict between my parents and between all of us. They'd managed to hide from me their hostile feelings towards each other until I was about 9, though I'd been aware of her hostility towards me since pre-school. I never saw anything get resolved. Fighting would subside, they'd just try to pretend it never happened. Still don't know much about why they felt so bad about each other. Not surprisingly, resolving conflict is still a major problem for me today.


Yes, it seems you might need to lead the relationship in that respect.


I wasn't very unhappy with my "you need me more than I need you" partner for some time, and took great comfort in seeing how her behaviour towards me was proving over and over that she cared an awful lot about me, but I began to long for that reassurance of her just saying it. I said I missed her and she said "not allowed." It's only in the last few years, though, that I've begun to learn the power of giving reassurance. Like eye contact, it comes and goes because I forget I'm supposed to do it.

That sounds a bit more hopeful. Like I said before, I have myself felt that need for verbal confirmation, but if you think you can do without it, maybe you can. I sometimes think it's got something to do with transference, harking back to a time when a parent's word was so uncritically believed that "I love you" or "Everything's going to be fine" went straight in.

Yes sometimes I wonder what couples used to do before they discovered psychoanalysis. Thing is, it's work, and a couple also needs to play together.



You're right, it's not just a feature of AS. Relate didn't even know about AS in those days.

What else I learned from counselling - back then, one kept asking me where my aggression was, I was saying that aggression was a redundant emotion that could only do harm anyway, she heard some of my music and said she'd found the aggression in my singing. I didn't know what she was talking about at the time - it was very nondirective stuff, so she never said much more about it, and as with a lot of my counselling I didn't feel it was doing much at the time, but it sowed a few seeds of inquiry, and very slowly I worked out a lot about my relationship with aggression and anger.

I found out that I had poor self-esteem.

I talked about how bored I'd become with my relationship, and they suggested this revolutionary idea that boredom is the result of a relationship that has stopped developing. My feelings were too far gone to save that relationship, and there were a lot of other unfortunate circumstances that led to that breakup, but I feel it was a valuable message.....I think a lot of people get bored and don't think there's anything they can do about it except move on.

One said, "there's got to be a reason why she's being so awkward." I was "under attack" from an ex, and was so caught up in defense that I wasn't looking for the source of the trouble.

I told one of them what my suspect passive-aggressive partner had said to me, and she identified it as a put-down. The idea amazed me. Before that, I'd had no idea that what she'd said had been in any way hostile, somehow. Sniping was so common in my formative years that I couldn't see it when I did it to others or when they did it to me.

Another time I was beside myself because a new girlfriend had suddenly vanished out of my life with no indication when she'd be back, and they talked me down.......asked me if I really thought I'd never see her again, I said no, I suppose I will......they said well, if you ask her why she did this, there's either a good reason or not.......if it's a good reason, fine, if not, you're better off without her. I felt a lot better.

There was one bit of advice, that there are rules and ethics, but people ultimately go after what they want for themselves, however altruistic and community-spirited they seem to be.



I went to a small party and noticed a guy looking left out, so I started talking to him. He looked so relieved.......doesn't sound like much, but that was me doing that, first time ever.

I was feeling under attack from somebody, and after getting defensive for a while, somehow managed to ask just one question that cleared up the misunderstanding that had underpinned the whole disagreement....I fixed it.

A long time ago I had this conversation with a friend, and there was an incredibly advanced quality to it, which was taking some effort for me to maintain, like staying up on a bike for the first time, and I wasn't at all clear why this conversation was so different.........years later I realised it had been my first proper reciprocal conversation in which A says a sentence or two, B says a sentence or two back, etc.........normally I could give either a lecture or nothing, and was a compulsive "tangent monster" in company.

I've only had one Relate session since being diagnosed - the session before that convinced me I needed to get diagnosed. Sadly, the counsellor seemed to have a rather stereotyped view of Aspies, and failed to win my confidence. If you do any counselling, don't assume they're all right for you.

I've had a lot of buzzy moments since diagnosis. One bit of fun was realising so much about why I was at loggerheads with the mainstream mating game. Mostly, there have been golden moments when I've realised the emotional content of a partner's words instead of always taking everything so literally, so I've realised they're feeling deprived or annoyed. It's a shame that problems and all the tasks and frustrations of life deflect me so much from that kind of calm state where such things are possible.

I am back to seeing my ASD guy....its been a long haul but "I" wouldnt be where "we" are without this site. Its really helped. Just been too busy to contribute recently but am still out here. I have some other posts if you search around. The big news is he finally (and not easily) admitted he is on the spectrum. This was a turning point because now I don't feel like I'm going crazy guessing, then second guessing, and all my friends thinking i'm crazy.
I'll be back to read more and contribute more soon.
Thanks everyone!

Hi Pastfixations,
was this post for me? Sorry its taken me so long to get back on the site, but i didn't quite understand you question. Can you re-phrase it? Were you referring to my own posts on my own NT/ASD relationship?