hyperlexian wrote:
this isn't actually true. people change their minds all the time. i saw a statistic that showed women are more likely to date a man after 1 year of friendship than right away upon meeting, and even MORE likely to date them after 5 years of friendship. and these are men that the women didn't consider to be dateable at first.
Now the fact that these women didn't consider the above men to be datable at first is a proof that first impression might not necesserely be right. So why can't women look at that study and decide "we will no longer make a decision after one date, we will make it after several years". That would make a lot more sense. I mean, even going to your study, you said women didn't consider these men datable at first. So my question is: how come there was no situation when a woman DID consider someone datable BUT decided to wait a year or two, anyway? I mean that would make a lot more sense wouldn't it. Whom to date is a long-term decision so it would make sense to spend lots of time getting to know different people BEFORE deciding whom to date. Yet,
as you said yourself in the above post the issue was that the women considered men "not datable" as opposed to "wanting to take more time to decide". Why is that?
Especially that very study shows that these women were wrong in their original decision. If so, why were they still making that snap decision? And suppose some woman sees that study. Will she then start acting differently and "take things slow" instead of deciding "now or never"? My guess is that she would still make "now or never" decisions. It would probably be like "well, the women in that study were wrong, but in the present situation I am right". Its like always the case, people might say it is bad to judge yet they do judge.
Now, its true that you said that after a year or two they DID decide to date the men. But the point is that before that time came it was assumed that they would NEVER date them. So in order to "go through" with that year the guy basically needs to accept the fact that he is "not datable" as well as all the pain that goes with it. Thus, most guys simply won't stick around. On the other hand, it would be a lot better if instead of "lets just be friends" they were told "I need more time to decide". Now, to be fair, few girls DID tell me "I need more time to decide" but I still turned these friendships down because I knew what they really meant was "I don't want to date". But what I am saying is that it would be a lot better if the girls were to "take more time to decide" AND MEAN IT. Perhaps the whole "inferior status" thing would be eliminated if we work on both sides of a coin: instead of the "system" being "start dating right away" what if the "system" was "get to konw someone for several months and then start dating". Then no one would ever take it personally when the girl says she needs time -- after all she would "need time" with everyone! AND it would make a lot more sense. She won't be "stuck" with dating someone simply because that guy put on a good front on first few dates.
By the way my own parents took like 3 years before they started dating. I was always assuming that was how it is with everyone. But then when I had my first girlfriend, Sarah, she started kissing me right on the second date. I was surprised. I then asked her does it mean we are in a relationship. She said yes. I was then really surprised because I thought it takes few years to be in a relationship. So you see, its not like I am impatient. To me, taking it slow makes the most sense. But the "system", as shallow as it is, is set up on "now and never" and then "of course" I don't want to be placed in the "never" category by that system.
03 May 2012, 11:02 pm
