I'm running out of time

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Last edited by idntonkw on 02 Jul 2021, 2:09 am, edited 2 times in total.

It was never like the TV shows.

Families were less child centric but that didn’t change the reality that family life can be intense and can require a lot of juggling. It was always like that.

What you didn’t have was as much media constantly coming at you. People lived through the parts of their day in more defined boxes with less distractions.

A bit off topic from dorkseid’s point, but being a little older I do actually remember life with a stay at home mom, parents who lived far less child centric, no cell phones, no internet, etc.

Not everyone got married young, my parents didn’t, but until the 1960’s there was no birth control so hormones did tend to drive people into earlier marriage.

We need to learn to manage media better, but there isn’t much of life before that I would go back to.

Well perhaps using the old days was not the best example, but another example is, some people become parents as teens and get married right away, especially in other cultures in the modern day. So maybe, the OP needs to look at it that way, and just have his first woman he is with be his wife, and not bother to have any past experience with women?

So you want me to rush into marriage with the first woman that will go out with me?

I don't even know if I actually do want to ever get married. If I ever do, I would need to know my partner for a minimum of 2 years before I'm even ready to seriously consider marriage. And I don't want to feel rushed into getting married because of my age. What if the woman I meet turns out not to be a good match for me after I've spent 6 months or a year with her?

At this age, women within the appropriate age range for me to date or marry typically have children old enough to be starting college. I was 18 when my mother was my age. The idea of going from being practically a virgin and never having any kids to getting involved with the mother of a legal adult just freaks me the h@ll out! Besides, I would have absolutely nothing with common in such a woman. I'm a 40-year-old virgin man-child that likes comic books and action figures; a woman who has been dealing with the responsibilities of being a parent for half her life is so far removed from where I am in life that neither of us would have anything to offer the other or even be able to relate to each other. And even if I'm open to dating such women I see no reason why they would be interested in someone like me. And I know this might seem shallow to some of you, but I never got to have a sexual relationship with an attractive young lady when I was younger, so getting to experience that is still important to me. I'm not saying I never want to be with a woman over 35-40 at any point in my life, but the idea of never having been with a younger woman is just as terrifying to me as never being with a woman at all. And frankly, I just don't find many women my age appealing anyway, and the rare exceptions are way too far out of my league.

A lot of people on here have suggested moving to another country, particularly somewhere in Southeast Asia, to meet women. And that is something I've thought about a lot myself. It's something that might have worked out well for me if I did it 10-15 years ago, but it won't help me now as I'm already too old to meet women at this point.

I get that 40 isn't old. But it is old enough that everyone else at this age already has a family, an established career, savings and financial security, and owns a home. I've missed all the milestone I was supposed to meet many years ago, and now life has passed me by and I'm too old to catch up. I'm too old to establish a career, travel and have adventures, or meet women. For all intents and purposes, my life is already over.

Literally every person feels this way to some extent. People who have great career feel this way because they didn't have fun when they were young and many don't have children as well. People who became parents too early feel like they missed on their career and education. Many people who you believe are more successful than you would prefer to have a clean start even in their fifties, many regret having children too early in a relationship with wrong person, having bad relationship with their grown up children etc.

Literally every adult person your age doesn't really feel like they are adults and know what they are doing, majority feel like they are still teens, but can't live life and do what they want to do because they have responsibilities and can't take risks. Many struggle financially and have to take jobs they hate to feed their children.

You are one of a few lucky people who still has total freedom, you have no responsibilities or financial obligations you can learn new things, start new career, take risks others can't afford at your age.

Oh no I am not saying go out and marry the first woman you go out with. I am just saying it's okay to change the mindset, of being interested in working towards something serious as a goal, as oppose to just having fun only, if that makes sense.

Except I don't want that. I don't want to feel rushed into having to look for something serious. If something serious comes along, that's great. But I don't want to feel I'm under pressure to find something serious and that I can't just enjoy myself and have fun. But I missed out on that when I was the right age for it, and now it's too late.

All those people are only focusing on what they don't have, while taking for granted everything they do have. One person may have no family but has an established career and financial security. Another may be struggling financially, but has a family that loves him. The difference in my case is that I don't have anything. You say I have freedom, but freedom to do what exactly? Be a hobo?! Do drugs? I don't have the freedom to travel the world or start a business because those things require money I don't have. I don't have the freedom to be an artist or a musician or a screen writer because I don't have talent. I don't have the freedom to start over in a STEM field because I already exhausted all the financial aid I was eligible for getting a useless communication degree. And I don't have the freedom to go around having casual sexual encounters with young women because I'm too old. So again, I ask: exactly what do I have the freedom to do?!

There's a lot going on here. If this were the Haven, I would offer my most sincere condolences to your plight. The situation sucks.

But since it's not the Haven, we can address a few things. 20 years ago, a 40-year-old may have had a chance to find a younger single woman. Today, with higher divorce rates and less younger people getting married, or marrying later, it's essentially impossible for a 40-year-old to hope to date a much younger woman for a few years to see if she's marriage worthy; and, if you do find someone to date for a while, and it doesn't work out, you'll be a 43-year-old trying to repeat the process.

So, if even guys in their 20s are less likely to marry now, a 40-year-old is essentially aged out of the market all together. Perhaps if you were really attractive, or really rich, you could find someone. But you're competing with younger men who themselves seem to struggle more nowadays than men of the past. And in terms of ability, you're on par with them. So, you're older, but you don't bring anything to the table.

And since you failed in your own era, why would you magically have the ability to accomplish this now?

Though I don't blame you for holding on to some hope. Better to try this at 40 than at 50. Sad truth is, time may have already run out for what you're looking for (a younger, unmarried woman who will date you for a while and possibly lead to marriage). It's partly your age, partly the time we're living in. (And I'm only a year younger than you, so I'm not calling you an old man. We have to realize that there are young adults today who weren't even alive when we entered adulthood. There are generational differences in trends; what you couldn't accomplish with women our generation, you're hoping to accomplish with an even less committal generation).

But I'm telling you this so you know it's not your "fault." There are things beyond our control.

With current restrictions freedom of travel is limited for all people, not just you. But in general with proper planning travel doesn't require a lot of money, this is just a fallacy. If you'll find a way to make some money while you are traveling, arrange some local gigs like english lessons or find remote job you can actually save more money if you are from the US and travel across Asia for like half a year compared to living in the US.

You can start a small business without any money, with your degree you can do something in relevant field, e.g. social entrepreneurship, apply for membership in an incubator for assistance with arranging legal entity and bootstrap and then after like half a year of operation you will be eligible to apply for additional funding from bigger institutions or government if your idea gains any momentum. There are financial incentives in many problematic fields, all that matters to receive funding is relevant credentials, like a degree in communication and a pitch. And in fact if your social problem affects countries, you can use it to travel. I know a young woman from UK who arranged non-profit in a field of preschool education for poor children, won a government grant and travelled across africa and asia for two years.

Being an artist or a musician isn't about talent, it's about determination and deliberate practice, talent is a myth. I don't have any talent, but I practiced for like 6 months, took one inexpensive online course with feedback sessions from mentor, improved my weakest points, found my niche and I work as freelance artist despite having no formal training in this field.

You mentioned you are a good looking guy, women are comfortable and friendly with you, but don't find you sexually attractive for no reason. Your brain is of a young person, your interests and stuff would work better with younger women, you definitely can date women in their early twenties, that's a fact. Take care of your shape, it's not even about physical appearance it will improve your biochemistry, you'll feel it.

Despite prevalence of consumerist culture, value or material wealth is less and less important in developed countries, more and more young women see being really rich as a flaw, not as attractive trait. There is a concept of "new rich", person who is responsible about society and environment, meaningful life, traveling, spending more time with their loved ones instead of trying to earn as much as possible.

Watching you choose the fate you say you don't want is incredibly frustrating to me. But it is exactly what you are doing, and the only way for you to change it is for you to see it.

Sorry, but this post is going to be harsh and I can only hope I've timed it right for you to hear it.

Yes, it is shallow to obsess about the experience of being with a younger woman. And silly. That isn't a need, its a want. Relationships are about filling a NEED, and don't always look at all like what we think we want. The more you insist on getting what you want, the more likely it becomes that you will never get what you need.

Another thing that drives me nuts is when men decide for women what the women will or should want. You do NOT KNOW that no woman with life experience wouldn't tolerate a man-child. You are making an excuse, you are choosing FOR them, and that is self-defeating. Every person in this world is different, and when it comes to who will choose whom for a relationship, not much is impossible.

Get out of your own head and stop self-destructing.



This is all very true, and absorbing it might just help you get out of your head.



While I agree with this in a broad sense, you also at this point in time can make choices to improve your odds going forward. The obsession with younger women stands out to me as something very much in your way. Life has no guarantees, but there are choices we make along the way that affect the odds. You can choose to tweak those odds.

^^^^APPLAUSE^^^^

This is very true. And I follow this principle in all aspects of my life. Do your best and let others decide if it's good enough. Your chances of achieving your goal are infinitely higher compared to doing nothing at all out of fear of rejection.

Do you even know what the word fate means? Fate, by its very definition, cannot be chosen.



It's easy for you to say I'm being silly when you are not in my shoes. Every other man I know got to have sexual relationships with young and attractive women at one time or another. But I have to settle for less. Because I'm not f**king good enough for what everyone else gets. Because I'm lesser and therefore I should be required to settle for and be happy with less. All because I was born with a condition that I neither asked for nor was given the option of not having. Because the universe arbitrarily chose me rather David or Joe or Billy down the street to f**k in the @$$.



Fair enough. But that still does nothing to change the fact that it's not what I want.

I should have been more precise with my language. I subconsciously choose emotional impact over clarity. What I meant is that you choose actions and assumptions that can be expected to lead to outcomes you say you don't want.




Your mistake is in insisting that younger women are somehow "better," and thus that not having had them makes you less worthy. I don't see the equation working that way AT ALL. Women achieve their sexual peak around 40, not at 18, not at 25. So what exactly is "better" in younger women? Only fertility. In fact, as someone who didn't blossom until her 30s, and married at 36, I find your presumption highly offensive. My best years didn't happen until well into my thirties, but you want to deny the reality of my own experience and put ME on a "not good enough" shelf?! I refuse to buy into that #!@*$@(!#&. I KNOW MY OWN WORTH, both then, and now. I realize this conversation isn't about me, but you can't make those claims without also putting people like me into a box in which we don't belong. If you insist on making those connections, then understand just how many great people you are trashing in the process and own it. You can't have it both ways. Are you an !@*(#!& who really believes this stuff, or is it a narrative you've made for yourself because it gives you an excuse to feel sorry for yourself and mad at the universe?

I know this is harsh, I've tried to be polite about your preferences even though I see them as offensive, and have tried to work with you on it, but if you can't absorb any of those polite conversations, maybe you CAN absorb the reality of how you are continually disrespecting women on here who are trying to help you. Because you are. Maybe the path out of seeing yourself so negatively is to understand what your logic for doing so says about everyone around you.

Also ... Have you ever considered that maybe the universe knows you better than you know yourself? Or that it wasn't the universe choosing, but your own subconscious, which also knows you better than you know yourself? Get off this notion that you missed out on something that was "better" than anything you can find today. That just isn't true. The obsession creates this giant roadblock for you that does not have to be there.




You have the ability to change what you want and all the incorrect assumptions that lead to it.