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If a partner doesn't lead to happiness...

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katzefrau
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29 Nov 2010, 10:07 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
nilescrane wrote:
Not to get completely off-topic, but the problem with a lot of guys on here is that they are extra-nice to a woman, which isn't any better than being mean to women. A guy on here baked cookies for a girl that he was trying to get a date with and at the moment wasn't close friends with and not at all romantically tied with. A lot of guys, like him, also are overly-friendly to women, without displaying any masculinity whatsoever, which at best just leads the woman to think of him as just a friend, at worst she's creeped out by the over-friendliness.

The same guys get mad and bitter, usually at women or the world or both, when this doesn't work. I may or may not have mentioned that a friend of mine was stalked by an Aspie guy for not being attracted to him. They went on a couple dates, and he acted really, really nice, bought her a lot of gifts for no reason. She realized she wasn't attracted to him (lookswise and because of the over-niceness) and he said "That doesn't matter, you will be attracted to me." When she basically all out told him that it was a physical thing and that she would never feel any attraction for him, he didn't care. When she finally called it off with him, he threatened to show her mother dirty pictures of her that she'd given him, also threatened to go to her workplace and tell her boss that she slept with the manager (which she did, but that's beside the point)...he also threatened to kill himself if she didn't give him another chance.

Guys that are overly nice usually have a bitter, manipulative side when things don't go their way. So self-proclaimed nice guys aren't nice at all.


Okay then, so understandably getting all bitter about that is uncalled for, but what could this guy have done differently to affect the outcome? Understandably the showering with gifts could be cut out, but then it's hard to find the balance between getting a response of "he's smothering me" to "he's ignoring me"... Perhaps being a little more gracious in the breakup than he was (particularly with this guy's intent to harm) would at least regain her respect


maybe she saw through the behavior and realized he was going to be really problematic to deal with (which he was)

i think it would make anyone uncomfortable to be showered with gifts or attention or anything someone seems to be doing to win your favor. if that sort of behavior comes from a place of admiration and is genuine and not done to try to produce a desired result, it could be received differently. putting pressure on someone to reciprocate your affections is a great way to worry them that you will be psycho if things don't work out. i think men and women would react the same way.

try to think about what sort of person you would be attracted to and how they would act toward you. probably very kind and accepting of you how you are, and recognizing that you had a choice to be with them or not. women are not like men when it comes to physical attraction. there are some men they just have no interest in having sex with. it is not something that happens because you are "too nice" .. nice is a good trait. men are equally discriminating. they may be less choosy about who they would have sex with, but there are women they just would not have a relationship with. same thing. if one behavior that you exhibit ruins things, they were ruined from the beginning because it isn't about doing everything right. it's about who you are. find out where you stand, and accept it for what it is. if you feel good about yourself it won't sting so much when someone isn't interested.

someone who doesn't want to be with you is probably not the right person for you anyway, and you would find out eventually. compatibility tends to go both ways like that.


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Quartz11
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29 Nov 2010, 10:18 pm

RICKY5 wrote:
Quartz11, if slumming it works then go for it! :twisted:


I'm pretty sure I can do better than slumming it.

I've not been actively trying to get a girlfriend for a while, mainly due to the depression and the Toad style self-loathing. Had I bothered, I just would have been some pathetic sap which a gal got bored with quickly for not being assertive and having any sense of dominance. In this phase, slumming it was considered because well... what else are ya gonna get?

However, I'm feeling better lately in terms of the depression front, and got sick and tired of the whole self-loathing patheticness. I'm never going to go anywhere and be happy if I just sit back and whine non-stop. Need to gradually cut down the whining and increase confidence.



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30 Nov 2010, 12:39 am

nick007 wrote:
RICKY5 wrote:
menintights wrote:
Quartz11 wrote:
Just find some unattractive, unwanted girl on the internet that's needy and desperate. There's plenty out there, once you start running across back corners of the internet and among the awkward gals you knew from high school.


And with that statement, you just revealed yourself to a be a scumbag.

nick007 wrote:
An arranged marriage is appealing because I could skip the social BS of trying to find a woman; It's about the only way I could get a woman.


Nick, someone has to say it: If the only way for you to be in a relationship is for someone else to be pushed/forced into having a relationship with you, then maybe you don't deserve to be in a relationship. It's one thing to have an all-around low self-esteem and be depressed 24/7, but to also view women as a commodity on top of all that... I don't know about lots of women, but I'm not liking you very much right now (and several times before that).


Quartz11, if slumming it works then go for it! :twisted:

Nick, this isn't Durkadurkadurkistan so get that crap about arranged marriage out of your head. It's funny you mentioned going for guys. If you are actually bisexual, go for it. Two bits of advice though, buy a shower nozzle and always use a condom.


Durkadurkadurkistan :?
I do NOT believe that I am an unlovable horrible monster. I believe I do deserve love because I almost always put my partner 1st & I do everything I can to keep em happy because seeing em happy makes me happy. It f#cking sux that women won't give me a chance because they are not attracted to me. I think if they would give me a chance they might become attracted to me & be very happy with me. I see lots of women go for guys that they are attracted to but after those women get in a relationship with the guy for a bit they do not like em. I do not think attraction is all it's cracked up to be.
I'm a lesbian in a man's body. I don't have a chance with women because women who are attracted to my feme characteristics are lesbians. If women were attracted to me the way gay guys are; I would probably of been married by now


"Durkadurkadurka" is from Team America and South Park. It's also the standard faux-arabic that a lot of US soldiers refer to "hadji talk" as.

Do you think you might be bisexual or gay? Honest question.



nick007
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30 Nov 2010, 8:16 am

RICKY5 wrote:
nick007 wrote:
RICKY5 wrote:
menintights wrote:
Quartz11 wrote:
Just find some unattractive, unwanted girl on the internet that's needy and desperate. There's plenty out there, once you start running across back corners of the internet and among the awkward gals you knew from high school.


And with that statement, you just revealed yourself to a be a scumbag.

nick007 wrote:
An arranged marriage is appealing because I could skip the social BS of trying to find a woman; It's about the only way I could get a woman.


Nick, someone has to say it: If the only way for you to be in a relationship is for someone else to be pushed/forced into having a relationship with you, then maybe you don't deserve to be in a relationship. It's one thing to have an all-around low self-esteem and be depressed 24/7, but to also view women as a commodity on top of all that... I don't know about lots of women, but I'm not liking you very much right now (and several times before that).


Quartz11, if slumming it works then go for it! :twisted:

Nick, this isn't Durkadurkadurkistan so get that crap about arranged marriage out of your head. It's funny you mentioned going for guys. If you are actually bisexual, go for it. Two bits of advice though, buy a shower nozzle and always use a condom.


Durkadurkadurkistan :?
I do NOT believe that I am an unlovable horrible monster. I believe I do deserve love because I almost always put my partner 1st & I do everything I can to keep em happy because seeing em happy makes me happy. It f#cking sux that women won't give me a chance because they are not attracted to me. I think if they would give me a chance they might become attracted to me & be very happy with me. I see lots of women go for guys that they are attracted to but after those women get in a relationship with the guy for a bit they do not like em. I do not think attraction is all it's cracked up to be.
I'm a lesbian in a man's body. I don't have a chance with women because women who are attracted to my feme characteristics are lesbians. If women were attracted to me the way gay guys are; I would probably of been married by now


"Durkadurkadurka" is from Team America and South Park. It's also the standard faux-arabic that a lot of US soldiers refer to "hadji talk" as.

Do you think you might be bisexual or gay? Honest question.


I'm not sure. I'm all over the place on the sexuality spectrum. I don't get physical attraction like most people do; I like most any woman who seems nice & I think I might possibly have a chance with after I know her a while so maybe it will work like that for guys to. I've also occasionally look at transsexual/shemale porn so I think it's possible I might would like a guy if I gave him a chance & got to know him a while. It would make sense because some people think I'm gay & guys are the only ones who are ever attracted to me. It's possible I never really considered it because I live in the south. I was bullied a lot in gym/PE because some of my classmates thought I was gay


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30 Nov 2010, 8:30 am

katzefrau wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
nilescrane wrote:
Not to get completely off-topic, but the problem with a lot of guys on here is that they are extra-nice to a woman, which isn't any better than being mean to women. A guy on here baked cookies for a girl that he was trying to get a date with and at the moment wasn't close friends with and not at all romantically tied with. A lot of guys, like him, also are overly-friendly to women, without displaying any masculinity whatsoever, which at best just leads the woman to think of him as just a friend, at worst she's creeped out by the over-friendliness.

The same guys get mad and bitter, usually at women or the world or both, when this doesn't work. I may or may not have mentioned that a friend of mine was stalked by an Aspie guy for not being attracted to him. They went on a couple dates, and he acted really, really nice, bought her a lot of gifts for no reason. She realized she wasn't attracted to him (lookswise and because of the over-niceness) and he said "That doesn't matter, you will be attracted to me." When she basically all out told him that it was a physical thing and that she would never feel any attraction for him, he didn't care. When she finally called it off with him, he threatened to show her mother dirty pictures of her that she'd given him, also threatened to go to her workplace and tell her boss that she slept with the manager (which she did, but that's beside the point)...he also threatened to kill himself if she didn't give him another chance.

Guys that are overly nice usually have a bitter, manipulative side when things don't go their way. So self-proclaimed nice guys aren't nice at all.


Okay then, so understandably getting all bitter about that is uncalled for, but what could this guy have done differently to affect the outcome? Understandably the showering with gifts could be cut out, but then it's hard to find the balance between getting a response of "he's smothering me" to "he's ignoring me"... Perhaps being a little more gracious in the breakup than he was (particularly with this guy's intent to harm) would at least regain her respect


maybe she saw through the behavior and realized he was going to be really problematic to deal with (which he was)

i think it would make anyone uncomfortable to be showered with gifts or attention or anything someone seems to be doing to win your favor. if that sort of behavior comes from a place of admiration and is genuine and not done to try to produce a desired result, it could be received differently. putting pressure on someone to reciprocate your affections is a great way to worry them that you will be psycho if things don't work out. i think men and women would react the same way.

try to think about what sort of person you would be attracted to and how they would act toward you. probably very kind and accepting of you how you are, and recognizing that you had a choice to be with them or not. women are not like men when it comes to physical attraction. there are some men they just have no interest in having sex with. it is not something that happens because you are "too nice" .. nice is a good trait. men are equally discriminating. they may be less choosy about who they would have sex with, but there are women they just would not have a relationship with. same thing. if one behavior that you exhibit ruins things, they were ruined from the beginning because it isn't about doing everything right. it's about who you are. find out where you stand, and accept it for what it is. if you feel good about yourself it won't sting so much when someone isn't interested.

someone who doesn't want to be with you is probably not the right person for you anyway, and you would find out eventually. compatibility tends to go both ways like that.


This is brilliant. I agree completely, and it's a great way of explaining interpersonal relationships, in my opinion.