The problem with letting a woman know you care about looks

Post Reply New Topic

I will not even begin to claim it applies to everyone who has weight issues. I don't know the percentage. The factors are much more complex and varied than that. I WILL claim that you cannot tell from looking at someone how hard they have worked to control their weight, and that you cannot reach any conclusions about their personal convictions, motivations or eating habits based only on what they weigh.

As for contributing factors outside of genetics, prenatal environment and illness, you are forgetting about the shift to motorized transportation and desk jobs. Our instincts to eat remain based on a lifestyle that included daily physical exertion, just to survive. The modern world has removed that daily level of movement, and our body signals haven't quite caught up.

I have posted before and will post again, that when I am "thin" or at a "healthy weight," which I was for most of my life, I was hungry every minute of every day. I can't remember ever feeling full or satisfied any time after puberty and before pregnancy; I stopped eating only because I knew I had to in order to maintain weight. But I was always, always, still hungry. Truly hungry. You have no idea what that is like if you've never lived it. Pregnancy, oddly enough, was the first time in my life I could eat instinctively and have my body do what it was supposed to do; I gained the absolute minimum weight needed for a healthy delivery, and I wasn't hungry all the time! It made me look at myself totally differently.

My sister gained 50 pounds in 6 months when she got a thyroid illness, before they figured out what was going on. It took her over a decade of dedicated dieting and exercise to lose that. A DECADE. How many of you could really stay focused on a single goal for that long, when food is such a social thing?

Many, many different things can make the road to a healthy weight hard for someone. You just never know.

====

Last edited by smudge on 08 Jun 2012, 7:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

I thought DW_a_mom's original post starting this thread was patronizing and insulting.


Talking to the entire audience like you're their mother and telling them what you consider right even though it is merely an opinion is insulting. It may be right for some, but not for all, and talking to people like you have a finger waving in their face and are giving a lecture is rude and patronizing.

I don't get why you felt the need to revive the locked "Would you dump someone who got fat" thread, which was locked, with this thread. That and you made this thread specifically to bait one or two members.

Anyway, I don't find ZX's opinion that abnormal. I guess he's not very tact about it, but that was the defacto opinion like....15 years ago? But now that everyone is fat, now you must be politically correct about fat people. He's a bit harsh, as the general attitude that should be taken is "Love the sinner, hate the sin" but obesity is sinning against your body. Nowadays it's "normal" to have kids outside of wedlock, just as obesity is normal, but it makes neither right. Yes, you should be compassionate with people, but you must understand that things that are bad, are bad.

But one thing that makes obesity so disrespectable is it comes down to a matter of self control. Yep, some people are advantaged and can naturally reach fitness levels others have to strive hard for, but such is life. Dyslexic people have hard times reading, and then hyperlexics have it easy, does this mean dyslexics shouldn't attempt reading, as they're disadvantaged? Obviously not. Intelligence is something that takes discipline for most, too, and most people here put it in quite high regard in a partner, but what if their genetics/environment simply wasn't conductive to high intelligence, then what? What I am arguing is, you're just as much in control of intelligence as you are physical health. The other point to be made, too, is minimization of the discipline or natural skill level it takes to have a healthy body. Going with intelligence again, if everyone was equal, why is Stephen Hawking more respected than an average person? It's the same situation with looks and health, to do what you're describing, and just pretend to be ambivilent about looks/health, it's being unfair to people do look good and/or do try to be healthy.

Also, too, if you DO care alot about looks for whatever reason (and as I've pointed out, it's not much if anymore vain than judging people based upon intelligence), and pretend not to, that's pretty much lying, and basing a relationship partially upon a lie. If said girl did just decide to let it all hang out after being with you for a while, you're going to be unhappy anyway for it, so I think it WOULD be much better to state it beforehand if it is a real concern, albeit try to do it in the most tactful constructive manner possible.

Main point, it's not good to be fat, yes, there's lots of reasons for the state of things being the way they are today, culture, technology, etc, but when it comes down to it, you're responsible for yourself. What I've gathered about life in my 21 years on Earth is, the name of the game is adapt and overcome, it's irrelevent how unfair the game is, but to win, you must adapt.

Point taken.

It isn't what I intended, but I can see how it came off that way.

I just get so frustrated with posters who claim to want meaningful relationships, and then let things come out of their mouths that In my experience women find offensive. I do want to yell, "wake up!" but I also know that is not only an ineffecrive approach, but also not respectful of the full range of different ways to think and be.

I wish I could have figured out a better, and less pedantic, way to start the thread.

I think it all depends on what the relationship is based on.

If a guy got into a relationship and he got into it on physical attraction only it wouldn't surprise me to find he'd be upset if the girl put on weight.

But then, if a girl got into a relationship with a guy that was only looking for something physical like that, whats the girl thinking?

Ah, both are idiots together really.

It's all about the personality and person imo, if it starts out on a genuine like for the other persons personality then looks wouldn't even come into it. I actually find that my physical tastes are defined by the people i like rather than me picking the people out from a defined physical range. When i do like someone it's uncontrollable and i already recognise that there's no limits to what i could like so i don't try to set any. I know the next girl i could like could be fat, thin, asian, black, muslim, Hindu, american, french, anything. I just don't think about it, i like what i like.

When i do like something though im serious and once past that no physical change would influence the way i felt. Except if they went ginger maybe .

Last edited by Timeconsumer on 05 Jun 2012, 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was not trying to bait anyone. I simply saw a response on a TV show that could be used to make a point, and I saw the TV show the day I made the post. The very good looking guy on the TV show is flaming out right and left with his statements, and there is a lot of publicly posted reaction to those statements. An actual opportunity to see how real women think and react even if it is connected to a slimy reality TV show. It seemed like an opportunity to show more than MY opinion, which is of course biased by my own life experience, especially since Bachelorette Emily is truly stunning and in little danger of ever getting fat.

And I am sorry but to refer to weight issues as disrespect able - THAT is the kind of talk that got the other thread locked. It is NOT just about self-control. Unlike people with the other issues you mentioned, society gives no support for weight issues, everyone can see your issues as if a giant billboard had been constructed, and there is no work around that lets you live a full life away from your difficulties.

My 11 year old daughter is so thin I can't buy her clothes with taking them in, yet she is worried about being too fat!! ! You have no idea how far reaching and destructive these kinds of attitudes are, and yes I am going to be pedantic about it, that paragraph is about so much more than dating. Obesity IS a serious health issue, schools and medical professionals are working very hard to address it, but of you think society can make progress on it by calling out people with weight issues for their lack of self control, you are very much mistaken. That kind of talk makes it all worse.

But all that was not my goal here. I actually simply wanted to help some guys that I think honestly do want to find love avoid the trap the guy on the show is falling into. You can't play the game if you don't know the rules, and it was my intent to share what is a pretty common rule. If you choose not to follow it, that is your choice, but if no one had ever explained the rule, there wouldn't be a choice to make.

i saw this http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... ds-newsxml

I've noticed many more children are overweight, though. Male and female. I don't think shaming them is the right way to go though. I think they've got to start regulating food better. Put a tax on sugar as an additive, add health warnings, public education campaigns, stuff like that. It'll cost a bit but the rewards in reduced health costs and increased productivity will be worth it.

The obesity problem in society is pretty tough to address.

I think what we need to focus on is being healthy. People will have diff body types and shapes but these can be healthy.

It makes me sad to hear a girl who has to have her clothes taken in is concerned about being fat; but it also makes me sad to see a 300 person pounding away at the unhealthy food, living an unhealthy life and saying it's ok. Even worse, doing it to their kids. When I grew up, McDonalds was a treat. Nowadays, it's a regular food source for kids.

I know a cop who told me during the last storm a woman was upset because the McDonalds was closed and that's where her kids always eat.

On the flip side, I am 100% against regulating food. I think the idea out of NYC to ban large sodas is asinine. That responsibility is the parents and each and every one of ours.

Let's focus on healthy bodies.

That's not working. Ipso facto, it isn't a valid solution if it doesn't work.

It has been shown that the more someone likes a person, the more they find them attractive.

I think the biggest issue being brought up is if the person becomes unlikable because of the decisions that they are making in their lives, then they will also start to lose the attraction of the partner. It's not just weight gain that people are talking about, but life decisions which have lots of major effects, including a possible change in weight. There may be a visual element to the attraction, but everything I've heard throughout this thread points to people having or not having respect for the other person. Even the people that say they would lose the respect of someone who gained weight have put in addendums for things such as medical conditions. If someone decided to start being a couch potato, or got into major depression and wouldn't snap out of it after years of the partner trying to help, it suddenly becomes quite easy to see, and it's easy for people to say, "Oh, I can't believe you didn't divorce that dead beat sooner." They may use terms like, "that fat slob" in place of "dead beat," but the reasoning behind it is the same.

If anything, I'm pretty sure some people aren't that great at expressing how they feel about this issue in a manner that allows others to really see where they are coming from instead of having gut, "OMG, I can't believe you just said that" reactions.

Thank you.


I have been told time and time again that it is best to never talk while in a heightened emotional state, especially a negative one, such as anger, frustration, etc.

I've had to learn how to channel my own frustration into a positive force. We get frustrated because we care, but trying to express the care while being frustrated is very difficult.

Just reading the bullet points at the top, I LOATHE the phrase "on a diet". As far as I am concerned, people HAVE a diet; they do not GO ON a diet. That mentality is what hurts people that keep see-sawing back and fourth.

Fat and pale used to be the sign of being rich, opulent, and not having to slave away in the fields getting skin burned. Our priorities as a society have changed. Thin and tan is IN, baby.

What good is it doing? None, by the looks of things. We have more weight problems now and the people who have them just feel more ashamed and miserable and depressed about it. Things like weight problems are psychological as much as anything, because psychology determines behaviours. Current approaches are failing.