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FWB relationships - your opinion?

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appletheclown
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14 May 2013, 9:36 am

Greb wrote:
appletheclown wrote:
So you are saying if the guy cakey was hypothetically having an fwb with did care for her and may be even was falling for her, and she just tossed him aside because she thought she was used, she would be being very rude and passing up the kind of relationship she wants? I understand that. I am sure you also mean she's never tried it too, like how I was being with OOM and the rest last night right? By the way sorry again. I honestly cannot figure out a bit why I was being like that.


Everybody is free to decide the kind of relation they want to have. As long as I know, nobody is forced to have a FWB.

But if you're saying about somebody that he/she is using you for having a FWB relation, this is a serious accusation. "Using" involves manipulation and lack of care (not even romantic, but just a minimum care about the other person). You're implying some moral values and some attitude in somebody.

Let's make an example. Imagine that right now I say 'A woman that is too concerned about a man having romantic feelings for her and couldn't have a FWB is really looking for somebody that supports her economically and then living without working'. If you tell me 'hey, you don't know a sh** about how this woman really feels' I could answer 'hey, it's my opinion'.

The problem about giving opinions about how other people feel and what they intend, is that then you must accept that other people give opinions about how you feel and your real intentions. Are you prepared for that? If you're not, then you should be cautius with opinions. You can't accuse a guy to use a girl (or the girl to use the guy) if they're FWB, to say inmediately after it "but don't say anything about me, because you're not in my shoes". Empathy must be a two-ways road.

PsychoSarah wrote:
Once again, my post is ignored. Why do I even bother?


That's not true, as you can see :D



Greb, you didn't even answer my question. And none of us gave our opinion on how the other person felt. Cakey specifically said she would FEEL used in that kind of relationship, and that is why she said she wouldn't want to be in one. I may have been doing the same thing, but how exactly are you not imposing FWB is okay on people like me and cakey? You may say, yes I know it is your right to feel that way, but that isn't empathy either. Quite frankly, I wouldn't tell you you don't know s**t if you said "A woman that is too concerned about a man having romantic feelings for her and couldn't have a FWB is really looking for somebody that supports her economically and then living without working", I would offer a counter argument as I usually do. I dislike it when people tell me 'you don't know s**t', when it is my opinion, I would expect them to feel the same way if I interrupted them and said "You don't know s**t". Nobody likes being told that. We are in fact talking about preference, not facts themselves.


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Schneekugel
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14 May 2013, 9:44 am

I had the friends with benefits stuff, when I was younger. Before I had a relationship, but I didnt feel fit for it. So people say, that Aspergers are emotional about 1/3 younger then normal people, I dont know, maybe that was the problem. So I had and adult sex drive, but simply had no advantage in an real relationship, I simply didnt have those intense feelings towards a boy. There were some boys I liked to spend time with them and so on, but not this "I adore the ground you walk on." stuff. I simply felt my self overloaded by all that expectations how I should act, and how I should feel, when these feelings simply were not in me.

Friends with benefits is for me the better version of one night stands. With a one night stand, there is always those little fear that the boy in front of you suddenly turns into a sick pervert. If you go to his place, you dont know where you end. If you go to your place, he knows where you live. Then you dont know much about that person, so sure you talked with him some hours and he will be nice looking and at the surface sympathic. But if he suddenly turns into an idiot in bed, you have to throw him out and then the whole evening was wasted. (I dont like going to parties. ^^) Additional you always have thoughts about illnesses, so I never did a one night stand without condom, but there are minor illnesses where a condom dont protect you. Nothing harsh, but having a minor fungal infection also sucks. ^^ So I never had such problems luckily, but still you always have to think about it.

With a friend with benefits, there are much less problems. So you have the advantage of an relationship partner, without the misadvantages (as I felt it as a teenager) of the social expectation of being in an relationship. From my oppinion it works much better then one night stands.



appletheclown
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14 May 2013, 9:49 am

Schneekugel wrote:
I had the friends with benefits stuff, when I was younger. Before I had a relationship, but I didnt feel fit for it. So people say, that Aspergers are emotional about 1/3 younger then normal people, I dont know, maybe that was the problem. So I had and adult sex drive, but simply had no advantage in an real relationship, I simply didnt have those intense feelings towards a boy. There were some boys I liked to spend time with them and so on, but not this "I adore the ground you walk on." stuff. I simply felt my self overloaded by all that expectations how I should act, and how I should feel, when these feelings simply were not in me.

Friends with benefits is for me the better version of one night stands. With a one night stand, there is always those little fear that the boy in front of you suddenly turns into a sick pervert. If you go to his place, you dont know where you end. If you go to your place, he knows where you live. Then you dont know much about that person, so sure you talked with him some hours and he will be nice looking and at the surface sympathic. But if he suddenly turns into an idiot in bed, you have to throw him out and then the whole evening was wasted. (I dont like going to parties. ^^) Additional you always have thoughts about illnesses, so I never did a one night stand without condom, but there are minor illnesses where a condom dont protect you. Nothing harsh, but having a minor fungal infection also sucks. ^^ So I never had such problems luckily, but still you always have to think about it.

With a friend with benefits, there are much less problems. So you have the advantage of an relationship partner, without the misadvantages (as I felt it as a teenager) of the social expectation of being in an relationship. From my oppinion it works much better then one night stands.


This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
That is what I meant. He has not doused anyone's flame. He didn't criticize, assume, or belittle. This is the type of response someone who disagrees with FWB deserves, not being told they are imposing on people.


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Greb
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14 May 2013, 9:52 am

appletheclown wrote:
Greb, you didn't even answer my question. And none of us gave our opinion on how the other person felt. Cakey specifically said she would FEEL used in that kind of relationship, and that is why she said she wouldn't want to be in one. I may have been doing the same thing, but how exactly are you not imposing FWB is okay on people like me and cakey? You may say, yes I know it is your right to feel that way, but that isn't empathy either. Quite frankly, I wouldn't tell you you don't know sh** if you said "A woman that is too concerned about a man having romantic feelings for her and couldn't have a FWB is really looking for somebody that supports her economically and then living without working", I would offer a counter argument as I usually do. I dislike it when people tell me 'you don't know sh**', when it is my opinion, I would expect them to feel the same way if I interrupted them and said "You don't know sh**". Nobody likes being told that. We are in fact talking about preference, not facts themselves.


Nope. She said specifically that the other person would use her, that is a VERY different thing from saying that she would feel used.

As it's very different thing, for example, that a man says that he feels trapped in a commited relationship, than saying that his partner intends to trap him in a commited relationship.

The first thing is about your personal feelings about a situation. The second one is about attributing intentions to another person. It's not even remotely the same.

If you're saying, for example, that somebody used you, this is not about preferences. This is not about your moral. This is not about your feelings. This is about you accusing somebody of a very reprehensible behaviour.


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14 May 2013, 9:56 am

PsychoSarah wrote:
You know, I don't understand why we all try to change each others views. Considering how stubborn we all seem to be, it is a pointless endeavor. So unless people are being blatantly stupid (which does not mean they simply disagree with you), I think we need to attempt to respect the opinions of others better. I am well aware that I am guilty of this activity, but I am less prone to attack others when they don't attack me.


Those folks in that debate should just 'agree to disagree' is what you're saying.

WELL I DISAGREE!

Just kidding.

I agree.



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14 May 2013, 10:06 am

"Nope. She said specifically that the other person would use her, that is a VERY different thing from saying that she would feel used."

If the other person is using her, and that isn't the kind of relationship she wants, wouldn't that be worse than feeling used in a relationship, regardless as to whether or not she is actually being used? At least if she feels used, she can do something about it, but if she is being used, and doesn't know, then she is really being taken advantage of.

Both situations are bad. Which is worse is a matter of opinion. It is not an illogical conclusion to make that, since she was the one stating that the other person was hypothetically using her, that she would also feel used. The awareness of being used usually creates the feeling of being used. Being nitpicky about such a thing creates more tension than it's worth.



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14 May 2013, 10:08 am

Greb wrote:
appletheclown wrote:
Greb, you didn't even answer my question. And none of us gave our opinion on how the other person felt. Cakey specifically said she would FEEL used in that kind of relationship, and that is why she said she wouldn't want to be in one. I may have been doing the same thing, but how exactly are you not imposing FWB is okay on people like me and cakey? You may say, yes I know it is your right to feel that way, but that isn't empathy either. Quite frankly, I wouldn't tell you you don't know sh** if you said "A woman that is too concerned about a man having romantic feelings for her and couldn't have a FWB is really looking for somebody that supports her economically and then living without working", I would offer a counter argument as I usually do. I dislike it when people tell me 'you don't know sh**', when it is my opinion, I would expect them to feel the same way if I interrupted them and said "You don't know sh**". Nobody likes being told that. We are in fact talking about preference, not facts themselves.


Nope. She said specifically that the other person would use her, that is a VERY different thing from saying that she would feel used.

As it's very different thing, for example, that a man says that he feels trapped in a commited relationship, than saying that his partner intends to trap him in a commited relationship.

The first thing is about your personal feelings about a situation. The second one is about attributing intentions to another person. It's not even remotely the same.

If you're saying, for example, that somebody used you, this is not about preferences. This is not about your moral. This is not about your feelings. This is about you accusing somebody of a very reprehensible behaviour.





You still didn't answer my question, are you avoiding the subject? Note: This is a question, I am not accusing you of anything. Nor am I implying anything.


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14 May 2013, 10:11 am

You didn't really post anything new there, appletheclown.



appletheclown
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14 May 2013, 10:22 am

PsychoSarah wrote:
You didn't really post anything new there, appletheclown.


The thing is none of them ever answered it, coming from anyone. But that is fine, they will do what they will.
I can understand FWB, it entails a fun happy friendship full of good sex, and no hard feelings. It means people who can't get real committed can still have fun, or feel adequate and make themselves feel as though they belong. Yet to some it is a good feeling, and nothing more. It is very risky, but pre-cautions can be made to minimize sti's and pregnancies.



Yet still that is not my cup of tea, no matter how fun or beneficial to my life it might be.

To me, the hottest sex I can possibly think of is the possibility I might have a child out of said sex, with my wife, and actually having one is even more wonderful.


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14 May 2013, 10:23 am

appletheclown wrote:
Greb wrote:
appletheclown wrote:
Greb, you didn't even answer my question. And none of us gave our opinion on how the other person felt. Cakey specifically said she would FEEL used in that kind of relationship, and that is why she said she wouldn't want to be in one. I may have been doing the same thing, but how exactly are you not imposing FWB is okay on people like me and cakey? You may say, yes I know it is your right to feel that way, but that isn't empathy either. Quite frankly, I wouldn't tell you you don't know sh** if you said "A woman that is too concerned about a man having romantic feelings for her and couldn't have a FWB is really looking for somebody that supports her economically and then living without working", I would offer a counter argument as I usually do. I dislike it when people tell me 'you don't know sh**', when it is my opinion, I would expect them to feel the same way if I interrupted them and said "You don't know sh**". Nobody likes being told that. We are in fact talking about preference, not facts themselves.


Nope. She said specifically that the other person would use her, that is a VERY different thing from saying that she would feel used.

As it's very different thing, for example, that a man says that he feels trapped in a commited relationship, than saying that his partner intends to trap him in a commited relationship.

The first thing is about your personal feelings about a situation. The second one is about attributing intentions to another person. It's not even remotely the same.

If you're saying, for example, that somebody used you, this is not about preferences. This is not about your moral. This is not about your feelings. This is about you accusing somebody of a very reprehensible behaviour.


You still didn't answer my question, are you avoiding the subject? Note: This is a question, I am not accusing you of anything. Nor am I implying anything.


I suppose you refer to this:

but how exactly are you not imposing FWB is okay on people like me and cakey?

Because as I just said, there's a big difference between not being okay with something, and accusing another person of a reprehensible attitude.

Let's say an example. Some people doesn't feel confortable with marrying. They're not okay with that, so they don't marry. No problem. But... what would you think if a person like that would say 'people that marry want to trap their partner and to limit their freedom in order to satisfy their possesivity'. I suppose that you want to marry some moment in your life, how would you feel if you're described with this words?. It wouldn't be nice, isn't it?

It's not about you or cakey feeling okay with FWB. It's about you or cakey judging people who do feel okay with FWB. And this judgement is not fair, apple.


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Last edited by Greb on 14 May 2013, 10:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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14 May 2013, 10:25 am

I think you guys need to take a chill pill. Comming from me, that's pretty bad.



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14 May 2013, 10:27 am

PsychoSarah wrote:
I think you guys need to take a chill pill. Comming from me, that's pretty bad.


I have a firebird avatar. Don't ask me to chill :lol:


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14 May 2013, 10:30 am

Greb wrote:
appletheclown wrote:
Greb wrote:
appletheclown wrote:
Greb, you didn't even answer my question. And none of us gave our opinion on how the other person felt. Cakey specifically said she would FEEL used in that kind of relationship, and that is why she said she wouldn't want to be in one. I may have been doing the same thing, but how exactly are you not imposing FWB is okay on people like me and cakey? You may say, yes I know it is your right to feel that way, but that isn't empathy either. Quite frankly, I wouldn't tell you you don't know sh** if you said "A woman that is too concerned about a man having romantic feelings for her and couldn't have a FWB is really looking for somebody that supports her economically and then living without working", I would offer a counter argument as I usually do. I dislike it when people tell me 'you don't know sh**', when it is my opinion, I would expect them to feel the same way if I interrupted them and said "You don't know sh**". Nobody likes being told that. We are in fact talking about preference, not facts themselves.


Nope. She said specifically that the other person would use her, that is a VERY different thing from saying that she would feel used.

As it's very different thing, for example, that a man says that he feels trapped in a commited relationship, than saying that his partner intends to trap him in a commited relationship.

The first thing is about your personal feelings about a situation. The second one is about attributing intentions to another person. It's not even remotely the same.

If you're saying, for example, that somebody used you, this is not about preferences. This is not about your moral. This is not about your feelings. This is about you accusing somebody of a very reprehensible behaviour.


You still didn't answer my question, are you avoiding the subject? Note: This is a question, I am not accusing you of anything. Nor am I implying anything.


I suppose you refer to this:

but how exactly are you not imposing FWB is okay on people like me and cakey?

Because as I just said, there's a big difference between not being okay with something, and accusing another person of a reprehensible attitude.

Let's say an example. Some people doesn't feel confortable with marrying. They're not okay with that, so they don't marry. No problem. But... what would you think if a person like that would say 'people that marry want to trap their partner and to limit their freedom in order to satisfy their possesivity'. I suppose that you want to marry some moment in your life, how would you feel if you're described with this words?.

It's not about you or cakey feeling okay with FWB. It's about you or cakey judging people who do feel okay with FWB. This is not fair, apple.


You still didn't answer my question, even when you quoted it. Even if we may be imposing ourselves, how are YOU not doing it? Stating we think it is wrong is perfectly ok to do. Just as it as ok for seekangel or whatever his name is to give that response. Honestly I would not care if they said that, I already know why I want to get married, and I in fact already told you. I am not in the goal of a marriage for my own needs, I am doing it to make the lucky lady I marry happy, any way I can.
Now answer my question, and stop playing word games with my mind.


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14 May 2013, 10:50 am

appletheclown wrote:
You still didn't answer my question, even when you quoted it. Even if we may be imposing ourselves, how are YOU not doing it? Stating we think it is wrong is perfectly ok to do. Just as it as ok for seekangel or whatever his name is to give that response. Honestly I would not care if they said that, I already know why I want to get married, and I in fact already told you. I am not in the goal of a marriage for my own needs, I am doing it to make the lucky lady I marry happy, any way I can.
Now answer my question, and stop playing word games with my mind.


I'm not imposing to you any decission. You have freedom of choice. But with every choice, be aware that there's consequences.

I have a FWB (or I had, since we're living now in different countries). She's a good friend and I really care for her, I never used her. If you state that FWB is wrong and involves using another person, you're telling me manipulative, evil and liar. Feel free to do it, I can handle it.

Make your choice. I'm not impossing you what you have to think. But you must be coherent with your choices. If you decide that FWB means using another person no matter what, you're telling me liar, and you're telling me a**hole. If you do so, that's OK, but you can't make a choice and avoid the consequences.

Now it's up to you to make the choice and decide what you think and be coherent with it. As you can see, I'm not impossing you.


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14 May 2013, 11:08 am

I don't see how it would be logical for a person to try to impose having FWB relationships in the first place. So, appletheclown, what made you make that conclusion? She is defending the practice itself, not necessarily recommending it.



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14 May 2013, 11:24 am

PsychoSarah wrote:
I don't see how it would be logical for a person to try to impose having FWB relationships in the first place. So, appletheclown, what made you make that conclusion? She is defending the practice itself, not necessarily recommending it.


He thinks because I don't support abortion, LGBT, or FWB, that I hate them for some reason. I don't dislike FWB people, one of my best friends is in one. I find Gays, bisexuals, lesbians, and people who have had an abortion to be great people, it doesn't mean I agree with their lifestyle or choices, but it still doesn't mean I hate them. There is a gay man in the group dorm my friends share that is one of the most enjoyable people to be around, he is kind and funny. I don't hate anyone, in fact i find them to be quite good friends.
Also I don't know why you think I am talking about them imposing a FWB relationship, I said imposing the acceptance and being ok with it. I accept people for who they are, make friends with them, and even go hunting and stuff, with these kinds of people. I am accepting of them, for they are precious human beings, and deserve love and respect, I just don't agree with everything they say or do, as them to me.


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