any women here who have never dated, never had a boyfriend?

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That's because lots of them go gaga over children.

For me, Online dating was good for casual sex and fwb.

For serious relationships? Hmm....people there rarely turn out to be sane, they're usually crazy.

Just in order to not be accused of being judgmental:
hurtloam can tell you of the freaky weirdos I am coming across there lol. The amount of craziness there is unbelievable.

Meant to post this a few days ago - I nearly fall into this category, have had one on-off relationship and that is it aside from two dates which make me laugh thinking about them now (they were disasters looking back!) Some people find this hard to understand - how could you get into your 30s and be in this situation? My take on it is this - growing up I never actually wanted a boyfriend. This might seem odd as I get on better with men than women and have many male friends. In my late teens and 20s well meaning and not so well meaning people would make comments such as ‘it could still happen, I didn’t meet my husband until x age’ and ‘you need a man in your life’ even though I had not said that I was looking for one. By the time I’d reached my 30s though everybody, (even my mother!) gave up. The issue with me was that I enjoy independence, freedom and am pretty solitary by nature - if somebody came along that I fell in love with then I would be happy to let these things go but only in that situation. The argument that ‘you need a man’ is obviously not true in my eyes as if I actually needed one how have I managed to cope for so long? There is disapproval from society but that is like a lot of hot air in my opinion, besides how does society know what is best for you anyway?

Also I am a pretty unusual woman - I am not girly in the slightest and have hobbies that men tend to like rather than women. Many (but by no means all) men are more interested in more feminine women, a quirky tomboy in her 30s who hardly ever dresses up, doesn’t wear make up and is perfectly content being on her own is not what many are looking for. My parents have been together for over 35 years and love each other to bits so I can’t blame this on past conditioning either.

I agree it must be difficult if you really want somebody in your life and no matter what you try it doesn’t work out, especially if all your friends seem to be able to easily make it work. I don’t think that getting annoyed with women who are not interested is the answer though as unless both people are interested the relationship is just not going to work. I think there is some research on couples that suggests women on average seem to cope better being on their own - married men live approx 5 years longer than ‘single’ men whereas there is a much smaller difference between ‘single’ and married women.

I do believe real-life friendships tend to be a lot more superficial and interest-based.

But I assume that primarily applies only to weak/moderate friendships.

With genuine good friends we're capable of having deep and meaningful conversation in person.

I believe it has more to do with what kind of person you both are, and also what sort of mood/mindset you're in at the time.

I'm the kind of guy who could probably talk about deep, philosophical subjects with relative ease, but I've observed a lot of other people may only be capable of doing so while under the influence of alcohol or substances, or very late on a particular night sitting under the stars/you get the picture.

A friend of mine said I'm her 'go-to' guy for deep and meaningful conversation. I told her I'm very open, honest and tolerant and can talk about anything and everything. This is true and she agrees that I have proved this to her.



Hm. I am 'intense' myself, but sometimes I allow others to open up far more than I do myself, but make sure they're aware I'll open up to them back at my own pace when I feel comfortable and develop more trust for them.

It appears it doesn't take too long before I develop people's loyalty/trust because I can be both of these things.

I've had plenty of people confide in me dark secrets even if I barely knew them.

A lot of sociopaths have approached me and revealed to me their hidden selves, and to everyone else they put up a superficial charm act.

I'm saying these people admit to me, even if I'm just a classmate and not even a good friend/acquaintance, that they feel no emotions aside from anger and hatefulness, and constantly have intrusive thoughts of harming others.

When I ask them why they ever tell me these things, they do say I look like a non-judgementel, tolerant type that can handle the things they tell me. This is true.

I can deal with them so long as they NEVER mess with me or anyone I care about, otherwise they'll be in deep trouble. I show no fear when coming across these types.

Wow, this got a little too edgy, too fast.\

Only the most trusted in my life, such as my best friend, I open up my deeper self up to. And even then he only knows part of the story.



You're not American? Hm, I assumed you were.

I can 'just hang out' with others. I enjoy it.

What do you mean meatspace isn't good for opening up? I know what meatspace means, just don't understand how you feel you can't open up to others in real-life?

I've always felt 'deep' and 'meaningful' conversation is not something that happens early in friendships/relationships, and it is being able to get through all the superficial 'hanging-out' and dating ettiquette before one gets to that stage.

Unless you come across a particularly rare and special kind of person, or easily come across as very tolerant, easy to speak to and non-judgemental like me, most people just don't open-up so quick to people they barely know.

My advice if anything is to enjoy the ride. Learn to enjoy the superficial hanging out and interactions.

If they begin to open up their deepest selves to you, then you know you've earned their trust.



Eh. I leave the internet for that.

In real-life I come across as so much more simple-minded, laidback and easily impressed.

It feels so confusing/cognitive dissonance at times.

I am a strange mix of laidback, carefree, chill relaxed person, but at the same time an intellectual. I try to let my intellectual side show.

I think it's amusing how I come across to others. Calm and laidback yet articulate and eloquent.



This more or less sums up what I have with my best friend now. And yet I met him in real-life.



What do you mean?

My generation is the opposite to me regarding socializing and technology.

It seems most millenials are satisfied with, or actually somehow ENJOY online dating, or even just meeting strangers online.

Hell, half my facebook is family or friends of friends I've never actually met. They're really just there as filler, I guess.

I really like it that you're being kind to hurtloam, boo. She needs someone like you.

As for crazy people, come on, it's the Middle East. I know from my own family there are a bunch of nutcases over there, LOL.

What? L&D has nothing to do with the reproductive process. The purpose of dating is to find a girl who doesn't want kids.

Not all of the nucases I encountered online were Middle Easterns - but were either Middle Easterns or Asians. I think it's a an online dating thing rather than ethnicity.

Some... of things I have seen online were so shocking and unbelievable; and honestly I don't think of it as an viable option to find long term material there anymore.




What do you think I am? A jerk by default?

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 27 Aug 2016, 10:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

I posted this a few hours ago but as nobody has reacted to it, thought I'd post it again - I nearly fall into this category, have had one on-off relationship and that is it aside from two dates which make me laugh thinking about them now (they were disasters looking back!) Some people find this hard to understand - how could you get into your 30s and be in this situation? My take on it is this - growing up I never actually wanted a boyfriend. This might seem odd as I get on better with men than women and have many male friends. In my late teens and 20s well meaning and not so well meaning people would make comments such as ‘it could still happen, I didn’t meet my husband until x age’ and ‘you need a man in your life’ even though I had not said that I was looking for one. By the time I’d reached my 30s though everybody, (even my mother!) gave up. The issue with me was that I enjoy independence, freedom and am pretty solitary by nature - if somebody came along that I fell in love with then I would be happy to let these things go but only in that situation. The argument that ‘you need a man’ is obviously not true in my eyes as if I actually needed one how have I managed to cope for so long? There is disapproval from society but that is like a lot of hot air in my opinion, besides how does society know what is best for you anyway?

Also I am a pretty unusual woman - I am not girly in the slightest and have hobbies that men tend to like rather than women. Many (but by no means all) men are more interested in more feminine women, a quirky tomboy in her 30s who hardly ever dresses up, doesn’t wear make up and is perfectly content being on her own is not what many are looking for. My parents have been together for over 35 years and love each other to bits so I can’t blame this on past conditioning either.

I agree it must be difficult if you really want somebody in your life and no matter what you try it doesn’t work out, especially if all your friends seem to be able to easily make it work. I don’t think that getting annoyed with women who are not interested is the answer though as unless both people are interested the relationship is just not going to work. I think there is some research on couples that suggests women on average seem to cope better being on their own - married men live approx 5 years longer than ‘single’ men whereas there is a much smaller difference between ‘single’ and married women.

Ok, how am I or anyone is supposed to react?

I guess no one reacted because it's not a debatable material - that's all.
I do notice a pattern though in this thread : women who are never much active on L&D expressing here that they're are content being single and not really wanting a relationship (like yourself).
Since they don't care much about having a relationship, it is natural then not to be active on this sub forum.

OK, just thought the purpose of this thread was for women to post if they had been in a similar situation as apparently it is rarer. I'm not bothered whether or not people agree with my views as this is a pretty personal issue but it's nice to have your viewpoint acknowledged by somebody.

[MODERATOR]

This is a reminder that trolling is not permitted for any reason.

Lobstercowboy has gotten a "time out" for admitting to trolling.

Carry on.

[/MODERATOR]

@outrider: i think this deserves a new thread. i'll post a link to it here once i've started it

Don't ever mess with the mod.

Thankfully, I think radfems can go kick rocks. I don't find it the least bit unreasonable that our reproductive roles influence our decisions.

i think that's one of the main differences between men and women, and i think it's probably the main reason for the gender difference in attitude when it comes to dating and such. because men are taught that they're not supposed to look for validation. "if life gives you lemons, swallow them whole, or else you're not a real man"

i was wondering lately if maybe there was something fundamentally different about me that made my perspective closer to the usual female perspective than the usual male one. but no, i don't think there is. it's about validation. i'm not ashamed to look for validation when i need it, because i'm stubborn. that's what makes me different, and it's probably what often makes me wish i was a woman. i already have enough difficulty expressing emotions without the arbitrary imposition that it's wrong to express them to begin with

once it's acknowledged that it's okay to be alone... it's okay to be alone. which doesn't necessarily invalidate loneliness. it just separates it from despair. life is full of disappointments, and that's normal

http://genius.com/School-of-seven-bells ... orm-lyrics

Last edited by anagram on 27 Aug 2016, 1:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Oh, people can mess with the mods, but when they flagrantly break the rules and behave like little kids, they're going to be dealt with.

Hopefully, this thread can now get back on track without the puerile nonsense.