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"Just be friendly."

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cyberdad
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07 Jun 2019, 8:48 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
Maybe it would be hard to attract “a lot” of women, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to attract any. I know a person who has physical and mental disabilities and can’t work because of them. He also was hugely obese had weight loss surgery and now has lots of hanging skin because of it, and he is in a relationship. This is anecdotal, of course, but time and again I see people with lots of stuff going against them who are in relationships.


I agree with everything you have said but I think it's unrealistic to keep parading examples of people like Marknis who have succeeded because you are making it sound like it should be easy to get from A to Z if other people (in his shoes) have done the same.

The truth is there's only a small pool of available girls who would be that open minded and even smaller subset who are available (single) and then even smaller number who live in Austin Texas and then maybe 1-2 in who might cross paths with Marknis in his entire life.

In order to increase his odds he needs to start addressing the factors holding him back. Once he is in a good state of mind and better living situation then he can start smiling and being friendly and can translate that into some form of future relationship.



cyberdad
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07 Jun 2019, 8:51 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
I do think that going to therapy could be a proactive step in the right direction.


Have you heard of the saying "you can take a horse to water but there's no guarantee you can make him drink"?



TwilightPrincess
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07 Jun 2019, 8:56 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
Maybe it would be hard to attract “a lot” of women, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to attract any. I know a person who has physical and mental disabilities and can’t work because of them. He also was hugely obese had weight loss surgery and now has lots of hanging skin because of it, and he is in a relationship. This is anecdotal, of course, but time and again I see people with lots of stuff going against them who are in relationships.


I agree with everything you have said but I think it's unrealistic to keep parading examples of people like Marknis who have succeeded because you are making it sound like it should be easy to get from A to Z if other people (in his shoes) have done the same.

The truth is there's only a small pool of available girls who would be that open minded and even smaller subset who are available (single) and then even smaller number who live in Austin Texas and then maybe 1-2 in who might cross paths with Marknis in his entire life.

In order to increase his odds he needs to start addressing the factors holding him back. Once he is in a good state of mind and better living situation then he can start smiling and being friendly and can translate that into some form of future relationship.


Not knowing him in person, though, it’s impossible to say what he can actually improve or tell him which avenue to go down.

If he can’t handle a full-time job, maybe it’s time to apply for disability if he hasn’t already and to get into low income housing. I don’t know what his exact circumstances are, so it’s hard to know what advice to give that would be of benefit.

A counselor will probably nudge him in the right direction. I’m sure that during their sessions she hasn’t just said “be friendly.”


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TwilightPrincess
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07 Jun 2019, 8:57 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
I do think that going to therapy could be a proactive step in the right direction.


Have you heard of the saying "you can take a horse to water but there's no guarantee you can make him drink"?


It never hurts to try a different trough especially if the horse hasn’t drank any water out of the one it’s been in front of for years.


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SaveFerris
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07 Jun 2019, 9:01 pm

cyberdad wrote:
SaveFerris wrote:
Please explain to me your thinking in adding "( I've read his whining )" to your post , what purpose do you think it served apart from belittling the OP.


Well if you take that he is not motivated in any way to help himself then his posts on WP reflect a mix of expressing his self-loathing and wanting attention so that he receives self-affirmation about how he feels. He gets angry about anyone providing constructive feedback or attempts to assist because he is never been in a state of mind to act (not motivatated) and so he lashes out. That's why the therapist telling him to smile at girls/be friendly is going to go down like a lead balloon because he doesn't want to be friendly (and frankly the therapist's advice was pretty poor).

So I think his constant self-loathing is a form of whining and he should know it's getting irritating for those of us like Fnord and Kraftie who have read this stuff for years


I know how you feel , I seem to have an impossible task explaining to you and other whinging f***s that you are breaking the rules.


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cyberdad
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07 Jun 2019, 9:05 pm

SaveFerris wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
SaveFerris wrote:
Please explain to me your thinking in adding "( I've read his whining )" to your post , what purpose do you think it served apart from belittling the OP.


Well if you take that he is not motivated in any way to help himself then his posts on WP reflect a mix of expressing his self-loathing and wanting attention so that he receives self-affirmation about how he feels. He gets angry about anyone providing constructive feedback or attempts to assist because he is never been in a state of mind to act (not motivatated) and so he lashes out. That's why the therapist telling him to smile at girls/be friendly is going to go down like a lead balloon because he doesn't want to be friendly (and frankly the therapist's advice was pretty poor).

So I think his constant self-loathing is a form of whining and he should know it's getting irritating for those of us like Fnord and Kraftie who have read this stuff for years


I know how you feel , I seem to have an impossible task explaining to you and other whinging f***s that you are breaking the rules.

Got it! won't happen again...sir!



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07 Jun 2019, 9:06 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
Maybe it would be hard to attract “a lot” of women, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to attract any. I know a person who has physical and mental disabilities and can’t work because of them. He also was hugely obese had weight loss surgery and now has lots of hanging skin because of it, and he is in a relationship. This is anecdotal, of course, but time and again I see people with lots of stuff going against them who are in relationships.


I agree with everything you have said but I think it's unrealistic to keep parading examples of people like Marknis who have succeeded because you are making it sound like it should be easy to get from A to Z if other people (in his shoes) have done the same.

The truth is there's only a small pool of available girls who would be that open minded and even smaller subset who are available (single) and then even smaller number who live in Austin Texas and then maybe 1-2 in who might cross paths with Marknis in his entire life.

In order to increase his odds he needs to start addressing the factors holding him back. Once he is in a good state of mind and better living situation then he can start smiling and being friendly and can translate that into some form of future relationship.


Not knowing him in person, though, it’s impossible to say what he can actually improve or tell him which avenue to go down.

If he can’t handle a full-time job, maybe it’s time to apply for disability if he hasn’t already and to get into low income housing. I don’t know what his exact circumstances are, so it’s hard to know what advice to give that would be of benefit.

A counselor will probably nudge him in the right direction. I’m sure that during their sessions she hasn’t just said “be friendly.”

Finding it hard to argue as what you say makes too much sense :o



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07 Jun 2019, 9:12 pm

Twilightprincess wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
I do think that going to therapy could be a proactive step in the right direction.


Have you heard of the saying "you can take a horse to water but there's no guarantee you can make him drink"?


It never hurts to try a different trough especially if the horse hasn’t drank any water out of the one it’s been in front of for years.

Although changing the vessel you present the same water isn't going to change the horses mind, the horse has to be thirsty first



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07 Jun 2019, 9:14 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
Maybe it would be hard to attract “a lot” of women, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to attract any. I know a person who has physical and mental disabilities and can’t work because of them. He also was hugely obese had weight loss surgery and now has lots of hanging skin because of it, and he is in a relationship. This is anecdotal, of course, but time and again I see people with lots of stuff going against them who are in relationships.


I agree with everything you have said but I think it's unrealistic to keep parading examples of people like Marknis who have succeeded because you are making it sound like it should be easy to get from A to Z if other people (in his shoes) have done the same.

The truth is there's only a small pool of available girls who would be that open minded and even smaller subset who are available (single) and then even smaller number who live in Austin Texas and then maybe 1-2 in who might cross paths with Marknis in his entire life.

In order to increase his odds he needs to start addressing the factors holding him back. Once he is in a good state of mind and better living situation then he can start smiling and being friendly and can translate that into some form of future relationship.


Not knowing him in person, though, it’s impossible to say what he can actually improve or tell him which avenue to go down.

If he can’t handle a full-time job, maybe it’s time to apply for disability if he hasn’t already and to get into low income housing. I don’t know what his exact circumstances are, so it’s hard to know what advice to give that would be of benefit.

A counselor will probably nudge him in the right direction. I’m sure that during their sessions she hasn’t just said “be friendly.”

Finding it hard to argue as what you say makes too much sense :o


I have a glimmer of insight on very rare occasions.


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TwilightPrincess
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07 Jun 2019, 9:18 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
Twilightprincess wrote:
I do think that going to therapy could be a proactive step in the right direction.


Have you heard of the saying "you can take a horse to water but there's no guarantee you can make him drink"?


It never hurts to try a different trough especially if the horse hasn’t drank any water out of the one it’s been in front of for years.

Although changing the vessel you present the same water isn't going to change the horses mind, the horse has to be thirsty first


Right, but he’s free to be thirsty or not.

I think a lot of us are problem solvers and want to give advice based on our own experiences but maybe there’s more of a desire to rant in some threads than anything else.

I probably need to stop referring to him in the third person...


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cyberdad
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07 Jun 2019, 9:28 pm

I think it's weird how he's become the subject of discussion as if he's a movie or TV series?

Perhaps there should be a sticky Marknis thread for anyone wanting to post advice



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07 Jun 2019, 11:57 pm

cyberdad wrote:
SaveFerris wrote:
Please explain to me your thinking in adding "( I've read his whining )" to your post , what purpose do you think it served apart from belittling the OP.


Well if you take that he is not motivated in any way to help himself then his posts on WP reflect a mix of expressing his self-loathing and wanting attention so that he receives self-affirmation about how he feels. He gets angry about anyone providing constructive feedback or attempts to assist because he is never been in a state of mind to act (not motivatated) and so he lashes out. That's why the therapist telling him to smile at girls/be friendly is going to go down like a lead balloon because he doesn't want to be friendly (and frankly the therapist's advice was pretty poor).


She didn't tell me to stand there and smile; she didn't even tell me to smile at all. I even stated at the beginning of the thread that she also told me to not have ulterior motives in interacting with the opposite sex. I tried to imitate what seems like NT men do and it backfired on me. She told me to not think things like "Should I ask her out? Has my time finally come?" and to just interact without expectations. And no, contrary to what you have claimed, it hasn't made me more frustrated nor has it "gone down like a lead balloon".

Quote:
So I think his constant self-loathing is a form of whining and he should know it's getting irritating for those of us like Fnord and Kraftie who have read this stuff for years


Then stop reading what I post.



Last edited by Marknis on 08 Jun 2019, 12:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

cyberdad
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08 Jun 2019, 12:17 am

Marknis wrote:
She didn't tell me to stand there and smile; she didn't even tell me to smile at all. I even stated at the beginning of the thread that she also told me to not have ulterior motives in interacting with the opposite sex. I tried to imitate what seems like NT men do and it backfired on me. She told me to not think things like "Should I ask her out? Has my time finally come?" and to just interact without expectations. And no, contrary to what you have claimed, it hasn't made me more frustrated nor has it "gone down like a lead balloon". .


Has it worked for you then or are you going to spend another 10,000 words explaining why it's not working?



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08 Jun 2019, 1:27 am

SaveFerris wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
SaveFerris wrote:
Please explain to me your thinking in adding "( I've read his whining )" to your post , what purpose do you think it served apart from belittling the OP.


Well if you take that he is not motivated in any way to help himself then his posts on WP reflect a mix of expressing his self-loathing and wanting attention so that he receives self-affirmation about how he feels. He gets angry about anyone providing constructive feedback or attempts to assist because he is never been in a state of mind to act (not motivatated) and so he lashes out. That's why the therapist telling him to smile at girls/be friendly is going to go down like a lead balloon because he doesn't want to be friendly (and frankly the therapist's advice was pretty poor).

So I think his constant self-loathing is a form of whining and he should know it's getting irritating for those of us like Fnord and Kraftie who have read this stuff for years


I know how you feel , I seem to have an impossible task explaining to you and other whinging f***s that you are breaking the rules.

Can comfort seeking threads be moved to the haven? They are off topic for the love and dating section and this is where the confusion is occurring for me, I reply with a suitably themed response for the sub forum but the thread is in the wrong section to receive comforting.



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08 Jun 2019, 5:55 am

cyberdad wrote:
Marknis wrote:
She didn't tell me to stand there and smile; she didn't even tell me to smile at all. I even stated at the beginning of the thread that she also told me to not have ulterior motives in interacting with the opposite sex. I tried to imitate what seems like NT men do and it backfired on me. She told me to not think things like "Should I ask her out? Has my time finally come?" and to just interact without expectations. And no, contrary to what you have claimed, it hasn't made me more frustrated nor has it "gone down like a lead balloon". .


Has it worked for you then or are you going to spend another 10,000 words explaining why it's not working?


Dude , why the sarcasm , just post in another thread.

If you talked to me like that I'd tell you to f**k off or ignore you.


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08 Jun 2019, 6:25 am

Amity wrote:
SaveFerris wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
SaveFerris wrote:
Please explain to me your thinking in adding "( I've read his whining )" to your post , what purpose do you think it served apart from belittling the OP.


Well if you take that he is not motivated in any way to help himself then his posts on WP reflect a mix of expressing his self-loathing and wanting attention so that he receives self-affirmation about how he feels. He gets angry about anyone providing constructive feedback or attempts to assist because he is never been in a state of mind to act (not motivatated) and so he lashes out. That's why the therapist telling him to smile at girls/be friendly is going to go down like a lead balloon because he doesn't want to be friendly (and frankly the therapist's advice was pretty poor).

So I think his constant self-loathing is a form of whining and he should know it's getting irritating for those of us like Fnord and Kraftie who have read this stuff for years


I know how you feel , I seem to have an impossible task explaining to you and other whinging f***s that you are breaking the rules.

Can comfort seeking threads be moved to the haven? They are off topic for the love and dating section and this is where the confusion is occurring for me, I reply with a suitably themed response for the sub forum but the thread is in the wrong section to receive comforting.


Seeing as you have quoted Cyberdad's belittling comment and are still confused , let me try and explain.

You can post whatever you like in any thread you want as long as it is within the rules. If however you post advice and the advice is not followed , ignored , disputed , you start harassing the OP or the OP appears triggered by members who have harassed him for years just move on to another thread , don't add to the OP's problems , it's not rocket science.

Let me remind you all , this is an autistic community and essentially a help forum. All threads outside The Haven does not give you free reign to harass or rule break.

I just want members to get along , if you cant do this just ignore each other, I feel like a school teacher , you are not children , most of you have been hurt by others being insensitive to your issues , have some empathy.

We are all responsible for making this website a safe place for people on the spectrum , if you can't see this or are not willing to play your part maybe you should look somewhere else for your kicks.


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