The reason why LJBF hurts

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the answer seems to be that women are teh evils
and they do this thing to manipulate men because they hate them for not being alpha enough
err...
or it could be that it's a polite social convention that our brain quirk may make confusing for us....but that can't be right because how then could we makes it a woman's fault?

I agree that its not always a gender or love/ relationship issue when that happens. But after I tell someone that i have trouble reading people, I take what they say for what they really mean, and I still get the "LJBF" line when they don't want more contact, what am I subposted to think? At that point they KNOW I take what they say for what they really mean, and they still say one thing but mean another?

A person seeking honesty doesn't mean they will receive it or have to give it.
And sometimes responses like that are so hardwired into people by social conditioning or lack of intelligent diplomacy that they say those things anyway, regardless if you are emotionally prepared for such responses or not.

In this context it's a polite way of saying f**k off.

I don't think this applies to me. The main example of a girl who LJBF-ed me was Anne, and she was not using me financially; on the contrary, she was buying me meals for the one month our friendship lasted (then eventually she pulled away because I was acting too intense). On the other hand, the one and only girl who made me spend too much money was Jennifer, but with Jennifer it was a serious committed relationship (which included engagement) and not LJBF. So I guess examples of Anne and Jennifer would imply "LJBF is cheap, dating is expensive".

Also from what I know the "rules" also point to the same thing. Jennifer even told me that one way in which she "nicely" rejects a guy is by paying her part of the bill and then she would let the guy come to the conclusion taht she didn't view it as a date, while in case that she likes the guy she would wait for him to pay.

But I guess I have not been following that rule either. I mean, in case of my first long term relatinoship, with Sarah, it was always either us splitting or her paying for me; yet it was also serious relationsihp that included engagement. But I guess in my case I portray myself as financially desperate (being a student and not having any other job) so thats probably why.

By the way, now that you brought up that thing, two things crossed my mind:

1. If I take someone like Jennifer, who agreed to have serious relationship and even be engaged; is it still true that the fact that she didn't snow much concern about my financial situation implies that she didn't truly love me?

2. When I saw them mentioning how guys can go as far as buying A CAR for a girl THEY NEVER MET, and how it is not just one crazy guy but a pattern, it becomes clear why women don't have much respect for these kind of people -- I can't see myself respecting them either! But could it be that the ultimate problem is that GENUINELY nice guys get lumped together with the crazy ones like those, so when a nice guy listens to womans problems OUT OF GENUINE CONCERN she goes like ''so what, I can get a dozen of strangers buying me the exact brand of car i want''. Is that also why girls set up hoops for guys? If it is SO COMMON for guys to be that way so that even SPORTS STARS do that, the girl is hard pressed to have to find a needle in a pile of grass that is genuine? Could it be that if the guys who are thinking with their penises were to somehow disappear off the face of the earth, then all of a sudden nice guys won't be doing so badly since girls would know they are genuinely nice?

Why LJBF hurts, because your being defrauded. You are being lead to believe at some point this will lead to intimacy, but she has zero intention of this. You could spend time with her, she dumps all her problems on you, talking talking because she needs to do that. You think your getting somewhere but in reality your just someone to dump on. She meets another guy and after 4 hours of time together she is intimate with him and he is her boyfriend. You get to hear about all the problems they are having and o can you take me shopping. You want a lover she really wants a girlfriend to chat with and someone go shopping with.

In the example of the rinsers, they do not care how many people they hurt. You will see extreme users like this who are strippers, basically selfishness on crack. Probably more common than aspies but in no way common. However a majority of women have these tenancies under the right conditions.

There is a simple solution to this, its called NO. When you are with someone and it is not happening after a certain period of time, then you close and move on. If you are paying for something you should get what you pay for, if not, that's it, no more. Its about spending time building the kind of relashenship you want, dont let the time wasters rob you.

LJBF only involves one thing: a friendship.
If you feel that she doesnt actually mean it or you barely know her feel free to avoid hanging out with her at anytime.
I assume that you talk with your male friends about things as well.
Friends do that you know.

If you feel that someone is just using you try to talk with them about it or cut them out of your life regardless of their gender. One of the things that took me most time to realize and its just so simple.

Lol I can't believe you think them wanting to be your friend is them giving you a chance to bone them later down the track or win them over.

How many times does this have to be said?

If I have a friend, my friend doesn't make sexual advances at me. If my friend did, and the friend was male, I wouldn't be his friend anymore. If a friend did and she was female, I'd rightly presume she actually was interested, hence the problem. It's because they aren't your friends and they purposefully mislead you so that you think you have a chance! They make sexually suggestive advances one minute, then back off. They do it to make sure they still have your interest, but they have no interest in you that way at all. They do it just to make sure you don't wander off and look for something else.

Some of the posters on this board are so anxious not to appear critical of women that they are excusing and ignoring this every time it gets brought up. Why is it so difficult to comprehend that this happens?

You're accusing me of being a spineless coward? Sorry, mate, but no.
End of the day if you are hanging out with women like this and you can't handle their manipulative signals then don't be friends with them.
I am friends with a couple of girls and we exchange nothing of this sort of behaviour. You also have to think about this - what one guy might see as a sign of opportunity, other guys (or just other people) would shrug off. There's another thing as well, NT folks (and those with disorders) can be flirty with people besides their significant other, or others they might want to date. It doesn't mean they actually like them.

Whats difficult to understand its the fact that you still hang around them.
Ive seen girls like that(and males with a similar attitude whenever they need something from you(making you think that you are the greatest buds and you need to hang out while they need your help with x, once its done they dissapear)).
Second time sh*t like that happens I make a point to avoid interacting with them(usually first time if it involves any sort of hard work from me). Its that simple

I'm not hanging out with them any longer. I'm speaking purely in the past tense. That doesn't change the fact that it has and does happen, and far to many posters on this forum choose to ignore that fact.

If you have no interest in a personal sexually or romantically, especially if you know they do have interest in you that way, and you've already turned them down, don't flirt with them. It's wrong, false, rude, inconsiderate, and will only lead to trouble, and hurt feelings.

You're not a spineless coward, and I don't believe I called you that, but you, along with many other posters, are being willfully obtuse when it comes to this particular issue.



As I said to the previous quote, I'm speaking in the past tense, but generally speaking, if I suspect a person is interested in me and she is making all the overtures, then I'm not going to tell her to go away right away. After all, maybe she's legitimately interested and just likes to take things slow. It's never been my experience though, and at this point I doubt I'll ever trust another woman enough for it to happen again.

I agree, men can do this exact same thing, they hang out with you, but when you do what they need you to do they don't want to know you anymore. The reason this problem is so pernicious via women is that they insinuate a possibility of intimacy if you just jump through the hoops. For a person who already has a shoddy/ non existent track record with women these sorts of things can be extremely hurtful and damaging.

It's not cool. I don't do it. I try to avoid those that do do it. But unfortunately people will do this anyway. And despite best intentions, people that wouldn't otherwise get the attention might be a bit flattered and flirt back anyway. A couple of previous male and female friends spring to mind from my college years. They weren't the most attractive of people, and they didn't fancy who fancied them, but where they weren't used to getting any attention they flirted back anyway. I guess it's something people do out of insecurity or a need to be validated. Others are simply narcissistic.

Nobody's claiming it doesn't happen in a few cases but people are stating that ALL friendships between genders are of this nature, which is completely absurd. Also I don't think it's gender related at all. Men can do it and I presume it probably happens among gays and lesbians too.

Finally there are many here who are claiming that mere refusal to indulge someone's desire for a relationship and keep things to a friendship is some sort of abuse against them. That's flat out ridiculous.

Last edited by edgewaters on 27 May 2012, 1:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'd say that the majority of people fall into the category of those who don't do it. Another large group doesn't think anything of it and just lets it go. But we aren't a majority of people, we have to understand the reason it seems like a huge percentage of people do this is because this is a forum for people who have moderate to extreme difficulty interpreting social signals. Effectively leading to the perfect confluence of conditions to make what shouldn't be that big of a deal into a huge deal. Yes, mostly in my experience when a girl does this sort of thing, she's not interested in financial gain.. merely to boost her extremely fragile ego. She feels under appreciated, but knows you are interested in her and will make her feel better about herself when she tells you her problems. This leads to a persistent attitude where she basically comes to you when she needs a fawning sycophant, but the minute you try to change this dynamic she stops getting what she wants and abandons you.

If she flirts with him, says things like "I wish more men were like yu" and sh.t like that, she's leading him on. This is one of the mind games a manipulative girl who wants an emotional tampon uses.