any women here who have never dated, never had a boyfriend?

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Oreillomon
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27 Aug 2016, 5:40 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Oreillomon wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Oreillomon wrote:
By reading the others posts, I was asking myself if I was the exception for having difficulties to find a partner. I don't consider myself as FA.

My main difficulties are about to find a partner with same valours as me. I wish to be cultivated and be able to find someone with talking about cultural things, but because of my past and my family's valours, I need to find myself how to cultivate myself. You see, I am a pet lover, and my main dream is to write. The others austistics peoples and others neurotypic man seem to like video games, but personnaly, there are not my valours. Now, I try to learn at my best what I couldn't in the past by myself, and nobody helps me. The cultivated mans have already a women with them.

I played a lot video games in the past, because I had real difficulties to communicate. I wrote a post about my past on this thread, because my past haunt me. My mother had difficulties to read, so she couldn't understand what I need as I was a child and didn't help me with my Asperger. That's not her fault, I am sure. But now, I have difficulties to find a partner because of my difficulties when I was a child. I try to learn what I want really, philosophy by exemple, buying what I need to learn by myself, because my family can't understand my valours.

I came on this forum for finding someone else to help me to find solutions, because I couldn't do all the job by myself.

Also, I came on Wrong Planet, a english forum, because there is not a lot of autistic forums in french. So I had difficulties to communicate a lot more, before to practice long months my english. I have difficulties now, but I can communcate in english and find others peoples. That helps me a lot about writing.


Cette différence n'est pas seulement entre autistes males et femelles. Franchement moi je trouve que, contrairement aux jeunes hommes, la grande majorité des femmes (même les jeunes femmes de nos jours) n'aiment pas les jeux vidéos.
Peut-être les autistes en général sont plus susceptibles d'être attachés aux jeux vidéos en raison du manque de vie sociale.


Maintenant, j'ai dépassé cela. Cela m'a pris beaucoup d'efforts, mais dorénavant, je n'y joue presque plus, et ce depuis plusieurs mois déjà. Je n'y ai touché que plusieurs mois plus tôt, je ne me rappelle plus quand... probablement au début de l'année quand j'étais malade. Donc, dorénavant, je me concentre sur ce que j'ai toujours espéré faire, mais pas pu par le passé, en raison des valeurs de ma famille. Je change graduellement, mais sûrement, devenant de plus en plus capable de me convertir et représenter les valeurs que je chéris plus que tout.

De là pourquoi dorénavant, je mésestime beaucoup les hommes qui passent leur temps sur les jeux vidéo. Il s'avère que depuis ma tendre enfance je souhaitais apprendre et devenir cultivée. C'est comme un rêve qui se réalise avec beaucoup d'efforts, et ce, en autodidacte.

Malgré tout, je suis à présent peu fière de ce que j'étais auparavant, car j'ai vu tant de chances me filer entre les doigts. Mon passé me hante, mais j'avance. C'est seulement que j'aimerais avoir un partenaire cultivé qui puisse me soutenir dans cette épreuve, si tu vois ce que je veux dire.

Même malgré mes difficultés, j'ai espéré depuis que je suis toute petite réussir là où mes parents croient que c'est peine perdue ; ou bien, ces derniers n'ont aucun intérêt à faire ce que je fais présentement, croyant les gens intellectuels snobs.

Si je pouvais trouver quelqu'un qui ait le même rêve que moi, je saurais accepter cela. Mais je n'ai jamais entendu d'un garçon qu'il avait ce rêve, et cela, c'est une calamité pour moi, car c'est ce qui m'importe le plus dans ma vie.


Je suis un peu perdu en lisant tout ça, je trouve que "devenir cultivé" est très vague comme un rêve, est-ce que tu as qqchose plus particulier en tête (ie. une réalisation à atteindre) auquel tu fais référence?


Pour dire vrai, je souhaite écrire sur l'environnement et les animaux, donc être capable, par exemple, de m'exprimer suffisamment bien philosophiquement parlant pour défendre un point de vue sur des sujets controversés.



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27 Aug 2016, 6:16 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Personally I find communication difficult. I am never sure what the right thing to say is. What I want to say to a man I have feelings for is "I really like you". But I've had problems in the past with misunderstanding situations and I always feel like I have to be careful because of this.

in moderation, caution is always a good thing, but i think you've "overlearnt" from your mistakes. if you assume that you can only do anything when you know perfectly well what you're doing, nothing will ever change. you have a career and stuff, right? you probably know by now that most people don't know what they're doing most of the time. they just project an image that they know it. the same goes for relationships. you don't always need to avoid falls, you just need to land on your feet

personally, i don't think there's anything wrong with simply telling a man that you like him (or "like him a lot"). i think it just depends on the person or the situation


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27 Aug 2016, 6:32 pm

anagram wrote:
...most people don't know what they're doing most of the time...
Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. :lol:


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27 Aug 2016, 6:44 pm

smudge wrote:
No. I believe a member has been treated pretty unfairly, and I'm not going to keep that to myself.

i don't feel strongly either way about the guy being punished, but it seems like the criterion for punishment here sometimes is honesty. i don't know how trolling without ever admitting it can ever be better than admitting it. i don't even think trolling is always bad anyway

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O83vd0l-_Ew

but if what was taken as "admission of guilt" was that post where he said he felt bad for not backing down earlier, then it doesn't look like trolling to me at all


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27 Aug 2016, 6:47 pm

While I do know what I'm doing most of the time, why I'm doing it is often quite the mystery.


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Of course, it's probably quite a bit more complicated than that.

You know sometimes, between the dames and the horses, I don't even know why I put my hat on.


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27 Aug 2016, 7:10 pm

Sometimes the hardest part is how to do it right.



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27 Aug 2016, 8:20 pm

anagram wrote:
@outrider: i think this deserves a new thread. i'll post a link to it here once i've started it

posted:

http://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=327900


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28 Aug 2016, 2:32 am

anagram wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Personally I find communication difficult. I am never sure what the right thing to say is. What I want to say to a man I have feelings for is "I really like you". But I've had problems in the past with misunderstanding situations and I always feel like I have to be careful because of this.

in moderation, caution is always a good thing, but i think you've "overlearnt" from your mistakes. if you assume that you can only do anything when you know perfectly well what you're doing, nothing will ever change. you have a career and stuff, right? you probably know by now that most people don't know what they're doing most of the time. they just project an image that they know it. the same goes for relationships. you don't always need to avoid falls, you just need to land on your feet

personally, i don't think there's anything wrong with simply telling a man that you like him (or "like him a lot"). i think it just depends on the person or the situation


Yes ordinarily I wouldn't dissuead anyone from telling someone how they feel. But when I see the person regularly it makes things awkward if they think you're head over heels for them and they have no feelings for you.

I especially wouldn't say it when I'm pretty sure they are not interested.



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28 Aug 2016, 2:51 am

hurtloam wrote:
Yes ordinarily I wouldn't dissuead anyone from telling someone how they feel. But when I see the person regularly it makes things awkward if they think you're head over heels for them and they have no feelings for you.

I especially wouldn't say it when I'm pretty sure they are not interested.

well, yes, in that case...

i'd say it's still not as black-and-white as it may seem though. if it happened with me, i think i would welcome it, despite the inherent initial awkwardness. and my reaction would be like "wow. i don't know how to react to this right now, but i can't say i don't like to hear it. thank you for saying it". i would see it as "brave" and "relatable" rather than something to be embarrassed about

in the end, as long as the girl herself wouldn't make a big deal out of it, i wouldn't either, and from my point of view it would be a positive thing (for me and for my image of her) regardless of the outcome. i'm far from being a typical guy, but anyway, i'm a guy, and i exist, so i guess it counts. of course, i'm not saying you should just indiscriminately declare your feelings for anyone. but if you can picture an acceptable escape strategy against predictable awkwardness, sometimes it may pay off to challenge the odds

edit: there was one time when i was head over hills for someone, and i did tell her, with the specific intent of getting over her. she was totally unfazed, and she didn't mind it at all. there was no chance of anything, but even then, it was good that i let it out. so, it's a thing. granted, i was drunk. but it was premeditated. alcohol was just an excuse (and an escape strategy. "oh i was drunk. what drunk guy wouldn't tell you they're in love with you when they see your pretty face?". which i didn't need to resort to in practice)


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28 Aug 2016, 6:46 am

smudge wrote:
He was misunderstood quite badly a couple of times. I don't think it's any wonder that he wanted to argue or "troll" with people IMO, when he wasn't being listened to or taken seriously. As much as I appreciate the moderation here, it's not like XFilesGeek acted any better.


He admitted he was trolling:

"I'm just having a laugh at people who seem to think power is perfectly balanced in the dating world."

Trolling is not permitted for any reason, and, personally, I've had it with people "trolling" L&D.

Lastly, Lobstercowboy has been banned for thirty days, and discussing banned members is also not permitted. Let's get back to the thread topic, shall we?


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28 Aug 2016, 1:25 pm

wow, didn't think it would go this many pages long and i'm not getting any notifications, but ya, i guess i just gotta accept that something like this happens to men more than women



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28 Aug 2016, 1:51 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
wow, didn't think it would go this many pages long and i'm not getting any notifications, but ya, i guess i just gotta accept that something like this happens to men more than women


S'true. According to the CDC, women are a massive 1.009 times as likely to have a sexual relationship by the time they're 44 than men are.


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Of course, it's probably quite a bit more complicated than that.

You know sometimes, between the dames and the horses, I don't even know why I put my hat on.


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28 Aug 2016, 2:49 pm

it's interesting the example the dictionary gives me for "pity party":

mr. oxford wrote:
I'm not going to throw a pity party—I don't think many people would show up.

definitely not the case here! :lol:

nothing wrong with it per se, but in my opinion that's "haven" material, not "l&d"



(for emphasis: in my opinion. it's just an opinion. everybody is more than free to disagree)


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28 Aug 2016, 9:28 pm

I forgot to reply to Outrider.

You can't compromise on having children if you do not under any circumstances want childten. You can't say, OK well we can adopt one on Tuesdays and every second Saturday as a compromise. Either you have a kid or you don't.

That's a deal breaker for me. I do not want children at all.



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28 Aug 2016, 10:08 pm

I said if the other person would likely only want one.

It's a poor example, but I think there's a lot of things two people will compromise on, not just having kids but there's a lot of better examples that I can't think of right now.

I simply meant some are more flexible and capable of more bigger compromises than others - this doesn't necessarily mean more flexible is better, just that it exists.

I've seen more than a few relationships where the other person didn't quite fit the kind of person they were looking for, and yet they're still together and making it work anyway.

Also, life can be random sometimes and things don't always go to plan.

I don't know, I don't think my Mum would have wanted kids at the time when she was about 13/14 and entered into a relationship with my Dad, but she still fell pregnant and had me at 15.

She probably would have saw dating a guy her age pressuring her to have kids at 13/14 a 'dealbreaker' as well, yet here I am today.

Life is not so rigid and one-dimensional enough that you can NEVER be surprised by something unexpected. Even if we have standards, we can sometimes never know where things might go.

I'd consider it a deal-breaker to have to move away from where I live now to be with someone, I'm sure many people do, but there's more than one relationship out there where this was the case.

Not saying we should lower our standards, just to always be cautious of the unexpected, because we'll never know what could happen.

I've seen some fall into relationships with someone with substance abuse/severe depression/etc. that would have been initial dealbreakers.



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28 Aug 2016, 10:21 pm

hurtloam wrote:
That's a deal breaker for me. I do not want children at all.

that's really the first thing i want to know about a woman if i'm ever giving any pseudo-realistic thought to investing my energy in a potential relationship. if she wants children, then that's it, there's no point in checking any further for compatibility, and it's just talking for the sake of talking (the only reason why i'm not already incapable of having children is because doctors insist that "i'm too young". as if the men who are regretting their vasectomies aren't 50-somethings who just got remarried). the second thing is big cities. if she wants to live in a big city, then the implication to me is practically the same as if she wanted children

i was going to say religion is probably the third thing, but i think it's the "zeroth" thing in practice. i don't think i even feel any attraction (romantic or platonic) to people who would expect me to share their religious beliefs or practices

the list of deal breakers is long though... this is just the tip of the iceberg. but, as is the nature of an iceberg, most of the items on that list aren't all that clear to me either. they have to be explored gradually in conversation


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