Why do you think a relationship will make you happy?

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People like Angelrho don't realise that they're not bouying us up with comments like that. They're kicking away even more of our self esteem.

I think I could be a good partner. I am good at being positive for other people. Just ask my friends. Just because part of me is sad that I can't be lived romantically that doesn't mean I'm miserable. I'm sure it's the same for other people on here. We are more than the little glimpses we give of ourselves here.

It's like that for me because a relationship won't solve all of my problems. However, relationships don't cause me to lose my uniqueness.

Ill never understand whats so bad about being real and talking about how we actually feel. Im getting stick from women on another forum taking offense that I've said I have an emptiness inside me.

I'm getting comments like. "You don't need a man to be happy. That's just what society tells you that you need" and "I have friends that like me and that's enough".

Why is it so wrong to want what most people biologically need?

I have a couple of acquaintances who have just celebrated their 1 year wedding anniversary. No one is saying to them "you're so weak for pairing up. Don't you know you can't make each other happy?"

Yet it's ok to berate the decisions and feelings of single people.

No, they never will. But depending on the other person you may more or less sacrifice that on the altar of compatibility. Any man will be willing to totally change if the right girl happens along and he wants her bad enough. Not every relationship demands that, though, and you have to decide just how important that is to you. If, say, you're the gaming all day, all weekend type and your girl is ok with that, then no problem. If she's not ok with that, then it's up to you how much you really care about the girl.

If you have a mutual attraction but divergent interests and values, you may not necessarily compromise on your own interests and values, but likely seek ways for those divergent aspects of the relationship to complement each other. In that sense, you give up a part of your own uniqueness to find a new identity as a couple. If you are chronically unhappy or unfulfilled, you'll bring that to the table. What you might find is those attributes set the LTR up for dysfunction. Unmatched miserable/happy relationships will leave a perpetually happy person feeling dragged down by a person resentful a partner's positive well-being. Matched unhappy people won't work well, either, because both are disproportionately seeking validation from someone too much in need of that as well as empathy without feeling the need to share validation and empathy themselves.

Someone who is mindful of his own issues and is working to improve that and protect the SO from the negatives will likely have better success than someone who wallows in despair. But the easiest way to overcome those kinds of personal issues is to put the SO first and not be overly concerned with your own problems. If it comes up and someone offers help, by all means take it and be grateful. But emphasize giving over taking and a lot of those issues will work themselves out.

I'm not so sure about the rest of your post, but I agree with this. I've been too focused on my own misery and not putting enough effort into what I can offer a potential partner. Doing stuff for other people made them want to do things for me, and we just sort of bonded naturally. The woman I like doesn't feel the same way about me and that's fine, I'll still support her how I can, within reasonable limits.

I would love to be in a relationship, because I would love to be in a relationship.

The whole "you need to be happy on your own first" thing implies unhappy people don't deserve or are incapable of a healthy relationship which is a load if bullocks.

Usntit interesting the super happy,healthy, privileges types get the.mist attention if all while the depressed, mentally Ill, elderly, the lost, the hopeless, the different, get the LEAST amount of positive attention or are evrn purposely neglected, excluded and shunned from 'happy' society?

And they expect us to create happiness from thon air to join their elite society when its their exclusion that.keeps. miserable in the first place.

Saying you.need to.be happy on your own before making new friends or a relationship I'd like telling people they.need.money before they can get a job. Or experience to get experience.

A relationship per se wouldn't make me happy. Too many people I know think that way, and it leads to a lot of trouble. Finding a special man and having him accept me and love me would be nice.

It's not about what anyone deserves or is entitled to. People who are happy, optimistic, and upbeat quite often happen to be charismatic, ambitious, go-getter type, which in turn means they have more potential to become independently wealthy and maintain positive attitudes throughout their lives. Doesn't mean that they are always rich. Just means people tend to be drawn to them and more willing to trust them with their money. They also tend to be generous, which, again, draws people to them.

Perpetually miserable people aren't like that. They are more concerned with their own self-interest, overlooking how a benefit to others is a benefit to them. They are willing to incur debt to pursue what they think will make them happy and successful without weighing risks or consequences. They are more concerned with what others owe them as opposed to what they owe others, then complain about how no one will help them. They do not share money and other resources, yet complain no one will share with them or cut them a break.

I don't believe most truly happy people do this on a conscious level, but I do think happy people may possibly have a fear of things that threaten their joyful demeanor. They don't mind listening to others and validating negative emotions (besides, EVERYONE is susceptible to depression and anxiety at some point, even if it's not a chronic condition for them. Life happens). Many do find joy in helping the less fortunate. But they are not naturally attracted to those with a negative mindset, are not inclined to indulge in that kind of lifestyle. They instinctively know that it will cost them their own quality of life and they see no point in indulging in complaining or gossip.

It's not about ability or resources. It's about a mindset. There are happy people with mental disabilities or disorders who are happy. There are grossly wealthy people who are miserable--and may even be deep in debt to maintain their grip on an utterly empty way of life. Happy people can be satisfied with having little. Some may even break out in hives at the thought of buying anything on credit. If it means going into debt, it's not worth it since a) the risk involved may not be acceptable, and b) they don't want to feel that someone else is in control.

I suppose if there's any temporal source of happiness, it's that: freedom and a sense of control over your own life. For me, happiness is about accepting the path God put me on, but that's a whole other topic. If you say a relationship is your source of happiness, the issue is you are placing the responsibility of your happiness in someone else's hands. Don't doubt me. You are taking someone with a mind of their own, with their own needs and desires, with their own flaws and imperfections, and you're saying "YOU must make me happy. It's your job." And the first time he or she does something to piss you off, the ride is over. You either have to accept less than what you wanted, or you have to end the relationship.

Hogwash on the employment/experience Catch-22. I've learned two things about that. First, an experience requirement often follows on-the-job training as long as you really are an expert in the field. I am a teacher. Without experience, I can't even get a license much less get a job. The way around that is doing an unpaid internship through the college school of education, or whatever the term of art is where you are. You teach for a semester, complete licensure requirements, graduate, then get a teaching gig. It's that simple.

The other thing I learned is that experience requirements just mean separating the sheep from the goats. Simple question, simple answer: CAN YOU DO THE JOB? In this case, inexperienced, unambitious people don't bother applying. Inexperienced AMBITIOUS people make excuses to frequent the job site, sweet talk the receptionist, and figure out any way they can to sneak their resumés to top of the stack. Then it's just about networking and meeting the right people. A lot of times they'll call you first when you didn't even know there was an opening. My 4 most recent jobs spanning just over a decade I NEVER filled out an application for unless they asked me to just to have something on file. The most recent one I submitted my app AFTER I'd already been on the job a few days. In fact, I'd lost my credentials some years earlier. They were willing to ignore that fact as long as I promised to fix the problem. I fixed it, and now I'm 100% legit.

The only way to get relationship experience is to just get into a relationship. You can't worry about what you don't know. That will all work itself out. You may have a long string of failed relationships, but that's the only way you learn. So if experience is a dealbreaker, it's best you just keep that little tidbit to yourself. Again, separating sheep from goats. Do you treat her with basic human decency? Yes? Good. You know all you need to know. If she says she's looking for experience, it just means she wants someone who is capable of taking the lead while treating her with respect and not complain too much. She wants to have fun, so show her a good time. It's not hard to figure out. The whiny babies and gossips will say "oh, I need experience first. Nevermind." Optimists will see it as a personal challenge, try to win her over gradually, and count the whole thing as experience. "Of COURSE I'm experienced. I've been with you this whole time, right?"

Of course I'm experienced, I did my internship with...

Of course I'm experienced, I did volunteer work with...

Of course I'm experienced, this was my childhood hobby and I've done this passionately most of my life. Here are some photos of...

Of course I'm experienced, I attended X conferences on this just last year...

It's all about how you choose to think about it. And if your lack of experience catches up with you at one job, that's ok. Because now you really do have experience which you can claim at the next job. When one romantic relationship ends, ok, now you have experience to apply to the next one. Although, honestly, they're all different, so experience doesn't get you as far as you might think. But having a hands-on grasp of the basics might help with expectations. You really just make it all up as you go, anyway. So I tend to value confidence over experience.

I suppose if a girl wanted to tease me about lack of experience, I'd ask how experienced she thinks she is. If she claims to be experienced, I'd tell her she's wrong, that she's not experienced at all. Why? She hasn't had ME yet. You see? It's all a matter of perspective.

The main reason I'm unhappy is due to extreme loneliness. There are other factors, but that's the major one. Being in a good relationship would dramatically reduce the loneliness.

I like this a lot. Take something that you potentially feel nervous about and turn it into a positive.

I don't agree with certain aspects of your post though. Happy people are just predisposed to be happy it seems. They are generous and good.

Sad people are bad and selfish. Boo hiss.

Sounds like something from Fox News.

I know all sorts of people. I don't tend to like the self starters. They have no empathy. They're all like, if I can do it you can do it. If you can't do it it's because although you know how to you won't and you're a lazy sack of potatoes.

Life is more complicated than that.

I've got friends who are generous, they volunteer to take old ladies to hospital, they organise parties for their community and invite young and old alike, they learn sign language and spanish, they make baby clothes for expectant mothers, when a friend is sick or depressed they are there to suport them, they wear a positive face and a big smile. But no men are interested in them. It doesn't matter what they do or how fulfilled their lives are. No men want them.

You should read 27 (wrong reasons) your single by Sara Eckel.

There's a whole chapter on how people with little experience have adapted well to relationships later in life. There's more to it than that But it's 10pm here and I'm not getting out of bed to go and find the book to quote it.

I really should go to sleep now. Been a long day.

Although Angelrho is right. Doing things for others and helping them does bring satisfaction. Won't necessarily get you dates, but it helps you make good friends.

I've got a random circle of old and younger friends now.

I've been thinking about who I can do things for and this retired woman down the road has invited me over from time to time. She needs the company, I need the company, it's not the same as meeting a young guy my age to spend time with (yes I'm still young shuush). Or being invited out for drinks with women my own age like I want.

But we are good for each other me and her.

Is there an old guy down the street who needs help weeding his yard. Go and say hello and help him out. You might make a new friend.

Robin Williams made millions laugh, donated money and time to helping others, he was quite wealthy, he was also very sad and miserable.

Wealth and positively doesn't make one a nice person. Poor and sad doesn't make someone selfish. I'm not at all selfish, I've had to learn to myself first more or get used a lot, it's a struggle.

All good. Sleep well!

I should probably add this: I'm just making statements on what I've seen, some things I've seen others do and some practical things that have worked for me. I'm not making any MORAL judgments about anyone. If you dislike happy or miserable people, go with that. But that's not the point I'm trying to make. I can't say what you SHOULD do. I'm just saying that certain behaviors tend to get certain results. If you want outcome x, you should do action y.

No matter what you do, there's no GUARANTEE of results. If I start a business selling things, all the investing, advertising, and debt avoidance will do me no good if nobody is buying. If you CARE about, you sell a different product. If you can stay alive and continue what you do because you like the way things are, that's fine. But that might mean being content with being single for the rest of your life.

Happy, bright people are in a better POSITION for building relationships than miserable people. That's all it is.

If your source of sadness is lack of relationship and love then a relationship will make you happy. If it's lack of money then winning the lottery would make you happy. Everyone has different happiness sources and different sadness sources.

I'd still be sad if I won the lottery and became a millionaire.