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Would you dump someone who got fat?

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rabbittss
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12 May 2012, 11:49 pm

edgewaters wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
before i forget, one interesting detail about some obese people who are as healthy as normal-weight people.... is that some of them suffer ill effects if they lose weight (in a healthy manner supervised by nutritionists, naturally). so they are actually healthier when obese then they are thin. it's food for thought that people need to let go of the judgements. some people are better off fat.


Doesn't change the fact I still find them horrid to look at. Don't mind me though, I also find Picasso and Jackson Pollock horrid to look at.. but others find a great deal of meaning in their work.


I think you should try harder to validate people and accept them, if you want your differences to be validated and accepted. It's hypocritical not to do this. You don't have to be attracted to overweight people to not be revolted by them. And that is an attitude, which you can change - if its not then you can't ask others not to be revolted by, say, your aspie traits.


I don't ask them not to be? If I had a meltdown in public I'd expect people to be revolted that a grown adult acted that way.

I can accept them just fine as human beings, even potential friends. I just cannot accept them as potential mates.



Last edited by rabbittss on 12 May 2012, 11:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

edgewaters
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12 May 2012, 11:51 pm

rabbittss wrote:
I don't ask them not to be? I do my best to HIDE my aspie traits and fit in. It results in a lot of never leaving the house.


Do you experience a lot of self-hate for being who you are?

Quote:
I can accept them just fine as human beings, even potential friends. I just cannot accept them as potential mates.


This is a much healthier attitude than talking about how "horrid" they are.



DW_a_mom
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12 May 2012, 11:55 pm

rabbittss wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
they are just people in old form.


Sure, but they are people who are now old on top of likely being not aesthetically pleasing in the first place. Next you are going to say that people who have 3rd degree burns over 90% of their bodies can still be attractive..

I'd say I'd believe it when I see it, but honestly I don't want to see it.


So only ugly people live to 80, everyone else dies young? Wow, you just keep digging yourself deeper, don't you? Guess you have no interest in marriage, 'til death do you part, because I don't know about you but I'm hoping I live to 100. And most women you want to date ... they want to be with a man willing to love them at 80. If that isn't you, they'll figure it out, and dump you.

Getting easier to see how you reap what you sow, isn't it?


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rabbittss
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12 May 2012, 11:59 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
they are just people in old form.


Sure, but they are people who are now old on top of likely being not aesthetically pleasing in the first place. Next you are going to say that people who have 3rd degree burns over 90% of their bodies can still be attractive..

I'd say I'd believe it when I see it, but honestly I don't want to see it.


So only ugly people live to 80, everyone else dies young? Wow, you just keep digging yourself deeper, don't you? Guess you have no interest in marriage, 'til death do you part, because I don't know about you but I'm hoping I live to 100. And most women you want to date ... they want to be with a man willing to love them at 80. If that isn't you, they'll figure it out, and dump you.

Getting easier to see how you reap what you sow, isn't it?


Nope. I didn't say only ugly people live to 80, just that since people I find attractive are an extreme minority, it stands to reason that the bulk of those old people were also, to me anyway, ugly people to begin with.

I really have no idea what you are talking about otherwise, nor do I understand what I am supposed to be seeing?



hyperlexian
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12 May 2012, 11:59 pm

mds_02 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
you would realise that ahead of time though.


Well, no. There's actually been plenty of times that I didn't realize until too late that a woman did not actually have the other qualities I was looking for.

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we are talking about someone that you must be compatible with already, so you would be leaving them because they are fat. that is really sad to me. it makes the whole relationship hang on something physical.


Being a bit more frank about it, are you saying that I should give up, for the rest of my life, the possibility of having a fulfilling sex life? Because that's what I'd be doing by choosing to stay with someone I was no longer physically attracted to.

And bear in mind here, even if we may disagree about what others were talking about, that I've already established that I'm not talking about weight gain from pregnancy, or getting older, or anything that is out of her control. Nor am I talking about expecting her to meet some ridiculous, media inspired standard. I am talking about a partner who allows herself, through negligence, to go through a dramatic change that she knows I find unappealing. One who, when concerns are expressed and help is offered, chooses to remain on the same course.

you don't have to stick to that ideal though. there is no reason not to become more openminded and appreciate fatter women.


How?

I mean concrete "this is how you do it" steps to make my body respond in a physically positive manner to someone it would not have responded to before.

I'm trying very hard not to be crude about it, but I'm not just talking about realizing that people I am not attracted to have positive qualities. I already realize that. But those qualities are seperate from sexual attraction, which is, for me, an essential part of a romantic relationship.

And in answer to your later question (sorry, quoting multiple posts on an iPad is more hassle than it's worth); yes, I would love to be able to choose who I am attracted to. Why wouldn't I, it would have made my romantic life up to this point much easier.

first you change your thoughts, then change your behaviours. your emotions won't be far behind. as long as you reinforce the IDEA that fat people are unattractive your body will agree.


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DW_a_mom
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13 May 2012, 12:01 am

mds_02 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
KenM wrote:
If anyone dumped me because of my weight, its pretty clear that they are shallow and all about looks. I would not want that person in my life anyway. Like/ love someone for who they are.

Back in college, I met a few girls that were overweight that I liked, but they said they would never go out with my because of my weight. They wanted someone thin. Hypocrates.


But what if you like/love someone for who they are, and then they change?

everyone changes. have you seen an 80 year old man naked? even if he is as fit as a fiddle, he sure as heck doesn't look like he is 20.


Yeah, but I think it's a safe assumption that this thread was not about the gradual changes wrought by aging but more likely about dramatic changes happening over a a relatively short period of time.

no, we are talking about both.


No, you're talking about both.

Some people said that they'd leave if a partner just completely let themselves go. A few people took offence and started talking about how the body changes when people age. This is not the same as someone letting themselves go.

people on the thread have been talking about both. i haven't mentioned either in particular. you didn't specify which you were talking about. it's nitpicky anyways, like would 5lb per decade be ok but not 10?


People brought up aging and gradual changes in response to people who were not talking at all about aging. 5-10 pounds in a decade is hardly letting yourself go. I've seen people pack on 50-70 pounds in a single year, when I talk about someone letting themselves go, that's what I'm referring to.


That wasn't how I read it. Packing on 50-70 pounds in a single year is dang tough to do, that isn't letting yourself go, it is an action plan to get fat. Unless it is a return of recently, rapidly, lost weight, this doesn't happen. Which would be why it never occurred to me that would be what anyone was talking about.


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DW_a_mom
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13 May 2012, 12:01 am

mds_02 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
KenM wrote:
If anyone dumped me because of my weight, its pretty clear that they are shallow and all about looks. I would not want that person in my life anyway. Like/ love someone for who they are.

Back in college, I met a few girls that were overweight that I liked, but they said they would never go out with my because of my weight. They wanted someone thin. Hypocrates.


But what if you like/love someone for who they are, and then they change?

everyone changes. have you seen an 80 year old man naked? even if he is as fit as a fiddle, he sure as heck doesn't look like he is 20.


Yeah, but I think it's a safe assumption that this thread was not about the gradual changes wrought by aging but more likely about dramatic changes happening over a a relatively short period of time.

no, we are talking about both.


No, you're talking about both.

Some people said that they'd leave if a partner just completely let themselves go. A few people took offence and started talking about how the body changes when people age. This is not the same as someone letting themselves go.

people on the thread have been talking about both. i haven't mentioned either in particular. you didn't specify which you were talking about. it's nitpicky anyways, like would 5lb per decade be ok but not 10?


People brought up aging and gradual changes in response to people who were not talking at all about aging. 5-10 pounds in a decade is hardly letting yourself go. I've seen people pack on 50-70 pounds in a single year, when I talk about someone letting themselves go, that's what I'm referring to.


That wasn't how I read it. Packing on 50-70 pounds in a single year is dang tough to do, that isn't letting yourself go, it is an action plan to get fat. Unless it is a return of recently, rapidly, lost weight, this doesn't happen. Which would be why it never occurred to me that would be what anyone was talking about.


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1000Knives
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13 May 2012, 12:01 am

hyperlexian wrote:
before i forget, one interesting detail about some obese people who are as healthy as normal-weight people.... is that some of them suffer ill effects if they lose weight (in a healthy manner supervised by nutritionists, naturally). so they are actually healthier when obese then they are thin. it's food for thought that people need to let go of the judgements. some people are better off fat.


Again, this thread here seems to be speaking in generalities. That's probably the case for about fraction of a percent of obese people. You on the one hand can have someone like Jang Mi-Ran, and then have 100,000 other people that are fat and unhealthy whilst being fat. My friend's friend can naturally deadlift 500lbs, doesn't work out really ever, just can naturally do it, for most of us mere mortals, that'd take a lot of effort to get to. He just has lucky genetics. We all get different genetic cards, some bad, some good, ASD is an example of this.



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13 May 2012, 12:01 am

Just a question that may be a bit off topic:

The other day I was talking about the whole obesity thing with a friend from the US and she mentioned that when you are younger is when your metabolism is defined and if you get fat as a child you are likelier to stay that way due to something about certain cells being able to adapt only until a certain age.
I just checked online and I cant see anything about that(I wanted to point out that quite a few members are assuming that those who arent on a healthy weight are just lazy when there are plenty of things that could be stopping people from achieving a healthy weight)so I was wondering if theres any truth behind this.



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13 May 2012, 12:06 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
KenM wrote:
If anyone dumped me because of my weight, its pretty clear that they are shallow and all about looks. I would not want that person in my life anyway. Like/ love someone for who they are.

Back in college, I met a few girls that were overweight that I liked, but they said they would never go out with my because of my weight. They wanted someone thin. Hypocrates.


But what if you like/love someone for who they are, and then they change?

everyone changes. have you seen an 80 year old man naked? even if he is as fit as a fiddle, he sure as heck doesn't look like he is 20.


Yeah, but I think it's a safe assumption that this thread was not about the gradual changes wrought by aging but more likely about dramatic changes happening over a a relatively short period of time.

no, we are talking about both.


No, you're talking about both.

Some people said that they'd leave if a partner just completely let themselves go. A few people took offence and started talking about how the body changes when people age. This is not the same as someone letting themselves go.

people on the thread have been talking about both. i haven't mentioned either in particular. you didn't specify which you were talking about. it's nitpicky anyways, like would 5lb per decade be ok but not 10?


People brought up aging and gradual changes in response to people who were not talking at all about aging. 5-10 pounds in a decade is hardly letting yourself go. I've seen people pack on 50-70 pounds in a single year, when I talk about someone letting themselves go, that's what I'm referring to.


That wasn't how I read it. Packing on 50-70 pounds in a single year is dang tough to do, that isn't letting yourself go, it is an action plan to get fat. Unless it is a return of recently, rapidly, lost weight, this doesn't happen. Which would be why it never occurred to me that would be what anyone was talking about.


I gues it's how I read it because I've seen it happen to a few people.


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rabbittss
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13 May 2012, 12:07 am

hyperlexian wrote:
first you change your thoughts, then change your behaviours. your emotions won't be far behind. as long as you reinforce the IDEA that fat people are unattractive your body will agree.


Wait up. You are advocating behavior modification.

If I suggested behavior modification for a transgender person instead of allowing them to mutilate themselves and take hormones, I imagine you would scream bloody murder.



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13 May 2012, 12:09 am

1000Knives wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
before i forget, one interesting detail about some obese people who are as healthy as normal-weight people.... is that some of them suffer ill effects if they lose weight (in a healthy manner supervised by nutritionists, naturally). so they are actually healthier when obese then they are thin. it's food for thought that people need to let go of the judgements. some people are better off fat.


Again, this thread here seems to be speaking in generalities. That's probably the case for about fraction of a percent of obese people. You on the one hand can have someone like Jang Mi-Ran, and then have 100,000 other people that are fat and unhealthy whilst being fat. My friend's friend can naturally deadlift 500lbs, doesn't work out really ever, just can naturally do it, for most of us mere mortals, that'd take a lot of effort to get to. He just has lucky genetics. We all get different genetic cards, some bad, some good, ASD is an example of this.

no, not a fraction. 25 to 30% of obese people are as healthy as fat people, and some will have an increased life expectancy. i can't remember the percentage that became less healthy with weight loss. putting that aside, we still have the other statistic. you can't assume a fat person is unhealthy.


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hyperlexian
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13 May 2012, 12:10 am

rabbittss wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
first you change your thoughts, then change your behaviours. your emotions won't be far behind. as long as you reinforce the IDEA that fat people are unattractive your body will agree.


Wait up. You are advocating behavior modification.

If I suggested behavior modification for a transgender person instead of allowing them to mutilate themselves and take hormones, I imagine you would scream bloody murder.

why wouldn't you want to modify your behaviour to become attracted to obese women?


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13 May 2012, 12:10 am

hyperlexian wrote:
it's possible to change one's outlook though. when i was younger (say 18) i was a pessimistic misanthropic introvert with low self-esteem due to my family background and bullying in school. i changed.

I'm glad you found your way out of it but....certain things brought you out of it.....they're not you either so situations can vary...environments vary.....I'm just saying you may be firing too much personal anecdote at it.

hyperlexian wrote:
i don't know if everyone could change, but i know that it is a possibility worth considering. seriously, all these people on the board complaining about humanity - do they seem happy to you?

I still don't know if "Are they happy?" is relevant. I suppose a person can 'choose' to be happy regardless of what their situation is; I feel like an all-out loser and failed adult, with a bachelors degree and middle-class wage, but at the same time I choose to keep as positive a disposition as I can IRL and even here when manageable.

The trouble with complaining about their complaints though - a) their complaints are probably valid, b) they're too young to have learned to disengage themselves from those problems c) even if they know how at a young age - a young environment, still semi-highschool, may not allow them to disengage from the immaturity until they're in their late 20's even early 30's. I do think the "You do it to yourself" is fair on the unhappiness either - its too much like whipping or beating someone for symptoms of a sickness that may very well not even be their own.


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edgewaters
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13 May 2012, 12:11 am

rabbittss wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
first you change your thoughts, then change your behaviours. your emotions won't be far behind. as long as you reinforce the IDEA that fat people are unattractive your body will agree.


Wait up. You are advocating behavior modification.

If I suggested behavior modification for a transgender person instead of allowing them to mutilate themselves and take hormones, I imagine you would scream bloody murder.


It's called personal development, or maturity. That process does involve behavioural modifications, yes. You have already done a great deal of it - everyone does, throughout their childhood, and ideally, beyond.

It is not the same as altering fundamental core characteristics that have nothing to do with personal development.



Last edited by edgewaters on 13 May 2012, 12:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

rabbittss
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13 May 2012, 12:13 am

hyperlexian wrote:
rabbittss wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
first you change your thoughts, then change your behaviours. your emotions won't be far behind. as long as you reinforce the IDEA that fat people are unattractive your body will agree.


Wait up. You are advocating behavior modification.

If I suggested behavior modification for a transgender person instead of allowing them to mutilate themselves and take hormones, I imagine you would scream bloody murder.

why wouldn't you want to modify your behaviour to become attracted to obese women?


The question is, Why would I?