I am 40 years old and am not sure whether this is where I need to be or not. I have always had problems with social interactions, as I don't easily recognise cues that everyone else seems to take for granted like body language, although I'm quite good at reading body language in animals - go figure.
I have also recently become aware that I have difficulty recognising subtle facial expressions. I can recognise anger or happiness or sadness, but the more subtle expressions like "I'm interested in what you're saying" or "I'm bored with what you're saying" or "You're weird" all look blank to me. I tend to avoid social situations like parties or gatherings unless it's a situation where I either have someone familiar on whom to focus or can sit in a corner and watch the action around me without engaging. I hate loud crowds and will do practically anything to avoid them. My daughter used to hate that I refused to go to malls on the weekends, but as an older teen she learned to be happy with what she could get me to do and that when I said it was time to go, it wasn't me being mean but that I really needed to get out of the situation before I broke down.
This all sounds kind of pathetic, I know, but I do have ways to cope. Some one once told me that the key to understanding social situations was to "fake it til you make it." I've been faking it for 25 years. I've gotten very good at pretending to be normal, at least for short periods, although I'm terrible at small talk. I don't see the point of it, but others expect it of me, and sometimes I have a hard time selecting appropriate topics for the situation; I'll completely clam up with someone who's actually trying to get to know me or give way TMI to someone who's not really interested. I only realize later what I've done and will berate myself over it, but when the situation comes up again, I still don't have a real clue. I have found some ways to socialize recently through meetups - I can just sit and knit and let conversation wash over me until I feel like I'm able to contribute.
I have some light sensitivity during the day (more so recently than in the past) and keep sunglasses handy even on overcast days, but I'm also somewhat night blind. Flashing lights - like the light bars on police cars or strobe lights - drive me nuts; they fill my field of vision and I can't see anything else.
I tend to obsess on several different topics. My daughter has to tell me to "can the history lecture, Mom." Once I get started, I'll just go on and on. Sometimes I'll catch myself lecturing to myself when I'm at home alone.
I have always had a rich imaginative life, but only verbally. I can't visualize worth anything, but I can make up stories and have imaginary conversations all day long. I don't seem to have an edit function, though. I can carry a story line on and on, but can't seem to finish it when I try to write it down, so I've pretty much given up on that.
Right now, my biggest challenge is getting into grad school. Once my daughter went on to college I decided to go back and study anthropology with a focus in archaeology. I've been taking the Anth. leveling courses. I have a 3.52 GPA from my first BA (History) and a 4.0 GPA at my current school. I scored 1250 on the GRE with 5.5 (out of a total 6) on the writing assessment. My professors seem pleased with my work and make encouraging noises when I discuss applying with them. My problem is the application essay. I can't figure out what is required from the prompt. I've tried looking at samples successful essays and advice from the internet, but the samples seem to incorporate a lot of what the lists of advice say not to do. I'm confused and have locked up on this one. My daughter says, "They want you to sell yourself to them." Unfortunately, that's a phrase I've never been able to figure out. How do I do that? Worse, how do I do that without sounding like a complete jerk? Once I get there I know I'll be fine - give me my rocks, pots and painted bits and let me play in the dirt. It's the getting there. I'll eventually figure it out, but in the meantime I'm having one of the worst episodes of downright oddity that I can remember since high school.
As I said above, I don't know if this is the right place for me, but I hoping to find out more. I've taken some of the self-assessments and they all hit the "maybe/maybe not, go get tested" range for Asperger's. I guess my next step is to find out what's available in my area, starting with the campus counceling center.
Patricia
01 Apr 2008, 3:48 am
