Making Friends with Guys Without Having Them Fall for Me

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Seconded

Don't ignore the fact that some very powerful emotions are tied to attraction and rejection. I dated a girl who I thought had a cool personality, but I wasn't sexually attracted to her, and I couldn't force myself to be attracted to her. We eventually became friends after the break up, but it took time. Then I met a girl who was a complete mismatch and we had amazing chemistry (and the relationship ended one wild and crazy month later). The hormones associated with attraction are strange powerful stuff, and it affects people differently. I'm not going to villainize someone for needing the time to sort out their emotions.

Just read the people's experiences about this on this board (such as "Desire and the Destruction of Friendships
" thread) and you'll know that there's big truth in what I am saying , this story is so common.

As for me, I do not form relationships based on friendships, she either wants me that way or not.

Ditto, your perceptions are vague and do not encompass the various aspects involving friendships, relationships, and gender "appropriate" behavior.

As for friends with added benefits...I was talking about people who build their ideals and notions on friendships. Yes I've done the same thing but it isn't the end of the world.

I'm still puzzled as to why gender is such a big issue with you....not all friendships involving the opposite gender are even remotely based on attraction.

Last edited by MissConstrue on 30 Jun 2009, 12:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm gonna be up front with you here, there's gonna be no way you can have that kind of friend without having to clearly state your intent (and even then you'll have a hard time making sure they aren't sneaky about it). You're just too attractive for most people to keep people from thinking the wrong way. I admire the intent you have to not hurt people's feelings, I hope you stay that way. I don't mean to make you lie, but if you tell your friends that you're engaged to a navy seal or a canadian special forces soldier, they might be a little more motivated to respect your wishes (I'm cocky but I'll never pick a fight with those guys). One girl I was hanging out with told me very well how she was always getting chased by guys and she had to keep her ground, she only explained it to me after spending some time, I admired her a lot and decided that she wasn't sending any kind of vibes (someting I couldn't help but suspect). Being a good listener and giving them pointers on getting OTHER women is also a good way to keep the romantic focus away from you. Any guy oblivious enough to overlook all those signs is just going to get his feelings hurt no matter what and you shouldn't try to blame yourself for what happens, after all, guilt is another one of those mechanisms.

The thread is about a person's friendship experience with the opposite sex , that's why gender is a big issue in that particular thread.



So you have done it , did this friendship last after that?

Couldn't resist debating moi could you?

Yes I've talked kept in contact with a couple of guy friends. One of them is now married and we still email eachother regurlarly. I got to meet him and his wife a couple a few months ago.

Aside from gender, I'm not very good at forming permanent attachments toward people. My sister is loaded with guy friends and girlfriends and she's still friends with some of the guys she's gone to school with. It not uncommon for me to seem men and women in friendships here. My community college and jobs are full of them...I do however notice that people seem to get along better with one gender over another. For instance, I've never been very popular among females when it came to friendships...one on one but never in groups. Not sure why this is except women are probably more verbally social than guys. I have trouble in this area as well as relationships which is what most women will usually talk about....not all women but that's been the experience I get whenever I'm invited to talk with them.

oops ....I am exposed.




I never said it's not uncommon , it's very uncommon to see inter-gender friendships but such stories are as not uncommon to the extent that I really wonder the real % of genuine girls-guys friendships.

I'll add my two cents in, kinda been mentioned already.

In the last 5 or 6 years i've made friends nearly exclusively with women. A couple guy friends, but probably close to a dozen women who I hear from on a regular basis. I think someone linked to a site talking about AS and it said it's common to make friends of the opposite sex much easier than the same, I guess i fit that bill.
And not to brag, but just to add more context, they are pretty much all what you would consider very high on the 'attractive' list. And to add more context, I am the guy who gets clung to when we are out and some douche-bag is all over them. I'm like the tolkien 'pretend to be my boyfriend so this guy gets off me' friend.

And I will say this, the thought crossed my mind many a times to ask a friend out and I feel that because I think 'hey, i know them, they know me, we're friends, maybe something else could work?'
And I will also be honest, i do what every man does, and i'm sure every women do with nearly everyone of their preferred gender at some point in their friendship, I've undressed them and thought thoroughly through what an encounter with them would entail =P.
I've never acted on it, but I think a female/male friendship makes it seem a lot simplier to attempt to take it to the next level.
I've developed i guess what I would consider romantic feelings for 2 female friends. In one case, she was really the one making the moves, and I kinda played off that but have since realized how silly it was (but she hasnt and it has gotten worse, but thats a whole 'nother story in itself =P). The other one is a different situation too, not a friend i've known for years or hang out with, but talk to a lot and kinda realized one day I was thinking of her differently. I didnt ask her out, but did tell her what i thought. I started thinking to myself what you posted, that it must get annoying and something you have to deal with more often than you find comfortable. But, at least in my situation, i rationalized that it desrved being mentioned because she is just the god damn coolest person i know .


Maybe I missed it, kinda a lotta reading and I just skimmed through, but are the women hear dealing with guys asking them out, or expressing that they have romantic feelings for them? or are they professing their love? 3 completely different things in my opinion.

Basically, what I am trying to say, but probably lost in rambling on, is that I dont think it's too much a big deal. I hoped it would be found flatering, and believe it was. But that is based off the one time in the last 7 years i geniunely felt something for someone, so not a whole lot of data to go off of =P. Maybe if you've got guys on their knees for you you might be doing something a little off and giving off wrong singles (which i'm sure can be attributed to AS). But if a guy just asks you out, dont feel so bad to tell them no, you like just being friends. Those friends who will be heartbroken would have been had they asked, or had they kept it inside, keeping on the outside the allusion of being a friend, and it woulda been worse because every little thing you did for them as a friend would make their passion grow. So it may seem hard at first to think that you are hurting them by saying no, it is the lesser of two evils.

To be blunt, you're not likely to find a solution to this problem. If a guy likes you enough to be your friend, and finds you attractive, he will inevitably see you as a potential mate. There is no way around this. You need to find an angle wherein a guy likes you enough to be your friend, but does not find you attractive. Possibilities would include gay men, or men that are also asexual.

Any man that is heterosexual and sexual, and claims to be capable of being "just friends" is either lying to you or themselves. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but not many. Sorry.

Why are there now suddenly like a zillion threads on this topic?

I expect because wanting to have members of the opposite gender as friends is a common attribute of people who are on the autistic spectrum as I understand it. It is also an attribute of a few personality types of neurotypicals also. It's an attribute of mine. My female friends are of the opinion that I am one of those rare individuals whose interest in women is not motivated by sexual attraction.

That doesn't mean I know how to advise Mathgirl. I have an unfair advantage. If a woman is the type that likes to form opposite gender platonic friendships, I usually can intuit this in her before I get to know her, or even talk to her. I don't know how to teach that to anyone, not even neurotypicals. Maybe she could get a hint by looking at his hands. This approach isn't foolproof of course. High testosterone causes the ring finger to be longer than the index finger. In most women, their index finger is longer. If you encounter a guy whose index finger is close to the same length, or longer, than his ring finger, he might have a lower testosterone level than most men. But like I said, it's not fool proof. My ring finger is slightly longer than my index finger. Like I said, I really don't know how to help her.

Edit: Another approach might be to get the dude to take an online version of the MBTI test. Several types, I have discovered, tend to prefer opposite gender friends to same gender friends, though of course this is not necessarily universal. The types I have observed that are this way are INFJ and INFP. However if you are looking for guys who are also math gurus, you might want to look for INTPs. I don't know if INTJs tend to prefer opposite gender platonic friendships.

One other thing. I have had female friends who trusted me with their attraction to other guys. In this situation, I'm on her team. I am only interested in helping her do what makes her the most happy. My interest is in what is going on inside her head, and if I can do anything to help her. That probably makes me strange.

I just had to comment... One of the best or perhaps THE best of my friends ever was a girl when I was at school. I never "fell for her," but once she said that she hoped I did not have a crush on her. She accepted my answer "no," which was truthful. I recently looked her up and thanked her for having been such a good friend.

I have found talking to females easier than my own gender, maybe because I hate those sports and other "masculine" subjects.

All my life, even when I was a toddler, my closest chums have always been female.

I have come to the conclusion that males nearly always see females firstly in a sexual way and even my male friends I have had from childhood notice me in that kind of way though we are genuine friends. Other males have appeared to be friends but have really seemed to be after more so I have given up expecting them to be just friends and only meet with males in group situations unless I have known them for years because otherwise they think I fancy them. So tiresome and such a pity some of them share interests.

I have often thought that ideally, most men prefer to be with other men for sharing hobbies and friendship if they have the choice.

All the others, not counting us aspies. Since we are somewhat dys-sexual.