Challenging the idea of conventional relationships

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I agree.



Exactly! You definitely get what I'm trying to say. This is why when people keep referring to it as FWB, I keep disagreeing because it's deeper than that and it holds more committment.

This type of relationship would not work with my ex-husband because although we both favour that type of arrangement, it's not something we would do together. It would be with other people. We're definitely done in that department but remain good friends.

Although moving forward, when I'm ready, I now know what will work best for me. Communication is absolutely key to the success of it.

Well said, John

Yes I wrote this in another thread. However I don't understand the necessity for long distance, simply for eachother not to meet every day. It sounds like a way of fixing it, but surely if you were kindred independents then you would have no trouble avoiding each other anyway

CG,

I have been thinking about my marriage and where it went wrong. And I am beginning to think you have a point. Many of our problems derived from my need to have some alone time and her reaction to it. She regarded that need as a rejection of her, which it wasn't. And when she intruded on my alone time, it led to conflict.

Boy, did it ever.

I tried for years to minimize my alone time, but it never was enough.

For me, it would have to be long distance in the beginning until I was sure that the person was agreeing to the arrangement and not having plans of changing my thoughts and starting to invade my personal space before I'm ready. Then when I feel comfortable, it's up to me and my potential partner to discuss if things need to change. I don't know if it always has to be this way for me, but in the beginning it definitely does. I'm one of those people who figures go with what works, and if it needs to be changed you'll know, and you can discuss it and then go from there.

I think I would be nervous to be with someone who lived in the same city as me. I also like to keep my personal life separate from the life I have with my kids unless something becomes really long term. I don't see a need to mix to two for a long time.

I guess distance adds a bit of a safety net maybe?

I can relate to that. That's what lead me to think about why was I trying to make myself fit into a mold that wasn't me? I want my space, but I also want companionship and I feel I'm worthy of it and I deserve it even though what my needs don't seem to fall into the supposed "norm." Although I'm thinking most of me isn't within the mythical norm anyway so at least I'm staying true to character.

Yes, I do believe there needs to be some sort of compromise in a relationship but I don't think it should be you giving up so much of your alone time when, if you're anything like me, it's a crucial need for you to function. With space between two people it allows each of you to have your independence while still having someone who cares and you can be with them when you want to be. I think the compromise comes in a time of crisis or they have a need outside of the norm and they just need you. That's when you say, okay not a problem, how can I help? But outside of that, each respects the others needs.

It's good food for thought, so to speak. As you can tell, this has been taking up a lot of my brain space as of late.

edit: typo

Last edited by CelticGoddess on 13 Sep 2009, 11:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

Sure, a crisis is different. I have given up all of my alone time to be with someone in crisis over an extended length of time. Now, there was a cost, the stress was awful, but that was ok. We both got through it.

It is being at the beck and call of others that I can't live with long term. If I can't recharge, I get very touchy. And that doesn't help when someone else is being needy. But, as you note, companionship is also a factor. So far in my life, the two seem to be mutually incompatible.

I wish they weren't.

There's me being an idealist. I did ask whether or not it was possible, not sure If I got answer.

However it is funny that long distance may work better, I guess that might be a social contradiction. What is the reasoning behind people not being comfortable doing the opposite but keeping out of each other’s hair? Is it that they think the partner is up to no good? If so surely long distance would make it easier to deceive. I thought the whole point of this is you are supposed to trust each other.

Anyway I guess what I meant is I'd take what work for me if it exists, but not bothered if they live not so far away, so long as we actually respect our 'me time'.

I guess the problem with the long distance is the connivance factor if and when you want to meet. Also you say you would want to do it to wait and see sort of thing, however it one or other moves that might be at the expense of their independence (not necessarily of course).

I do get what you mean though. I have used the anonymity of the internet meets to get to know individuals rather than deal with the complexities of social networking. I don’t think I would have found suitable friends otherwise.

I term the method I used to find my friends the ‘tar ball’ method. I think it is particularly suited to some people on the spectrum. Basically what I did is go to smallish meets, and also spontaneous gigs with one or a handful of people. Basically I get to know people individually, case them out. If I’m averse or indifferent there is not reason why I have to see them ever again. There are no ties there. People only know each other vaguely through this context with having any real history and the interconnections/small world factor isn’t as it would be in a social institution.

So when I met a couple of people I liked, eventually I suggest that we meet up together and see if it works, sticking to the tar ball where appropriate. So basically the result of this is I know some people who I have been friendly to on occasion and have two good friends that I see on average every fortnight, but it can be once a month or more. I really don’t need more than this.

Having used this method successfully I don’t have strong social ties, which I find stressful. I get on with my friends because we understand each other. They have other things to get on with as do I. Ironically one of my friends can’t stand to be alone for a minute (gets bad depression), however this has improved greatly, and it was never much of a problem in that respect because he has so many friends and acquaintances, and used to go out every night and suffer from exhaustion as a result. Double irony, as he was probably the most severe out of the three of us in terms of panic attacks and social anxiety. My other friend knows less people from London as she is originally from the north, I only have them as my reciprocal friends.

CJ - If the life you leaad now makes you happy and meets your needs, than there's no reason so seek out change. If you come to a point where you want more, I think you'll know and you'll figure out when you're up to the risk/challenge. I don't think things like this need to be rushed. That's just my two cents worth though.

Er...I think I've offered way more than two cents in this thread so far. This is turning into CG's Dear Diary session.

0/True - You bring up some really good points. I suppose it is a contradiction and distance would prove easy to deceive. Sometimes I take for granted that the rest of the world isn't as honest and blunt as I am.

No worries CG, I'm not interested peoples' dirty laundry, just the broader topic of this thread. I'm an emotional tightwad too.


Well, you say it works for you and I'm inclined to believe you.

Emotional tightwad? Okay, I seriously love that phrase.



When I get another chance to put theory into practice, I'll give you an update. I've had 2 long distance relationships and both times it was him who broke up with me. Guy #1 wanted me to move to NYC with him and at the time I wasn't in a position to be able to. He wanted all or nothing, so that ended that. Guy #2 it was just bad timing for both of us. But both relationships made me happier than the ones where I could see my partner 24/7 if I wished.

Just an interesting idea.

I think I feel the same way a lot of people here do. I actually kinda hate the idea of a conventional relationship (marriage, living together, etc). Not that I won't be in one but, I greatly value time alone, at least a couple of hours a day in fact.

I've recently entered a relationship with a young lady from one of my classes and it's going great so far. We don't see each other every day but we see each other enough that we have a good time together (like last Thursday in the back of her car ) without getting tired of each other. We've only talked on the phone once since we've been together. I like things as they are now so far, I'm in a relationship with someone I love very much and she loves me too but we are not smothered by each other. I do think sometimes that she might not want as much time and space apart as I do but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Anyway, it's nice to know that other aspies feel like I do. I don't think I could do a conventional relationship. Ya never know though.

CG,

Sorry about bleeding all over your thread. It just made me think about something I hadn't.

And I thank you for that.

But, onto other things....

So, taken any nude pictures recently?

...dunks and runs....

Meh. Don't worry about it. Feel free to verbally bleed anytime you need too.


Here you go

This whole thing about distance got me thinking, and surprisingly it's something inspired by Everyone Loves Raymond. The concept of, and maybe the development of an equation for, the ideal distance between 2 people in a relationship, and unsuprisingly, it becomes a spectrum. So where does Raymond come into it?

Much in the way his parents lived right across the street and were always around and it caused tensions, maybe that is like a couple who live together full time, sleep in the same bed, and so on. Too close for comfort, so lets call that a close relationship, which is the near end of the spectrum.

Next, what if Ray's parents lived a couple of suburbs away? They are close enough so that only pop round a couple of times a week, have lunch or dinner occasionally, go shopping, come over to watch the football or something, basically you have to put up with them less but they go home when they have worn out their welcome. Maybe we can call this a short-distance relationship.

So if they live on the opposite side of the city or out in the country a way, something like a 2 to 3 hour drive. Now it's a lot further to travel, you visit less often, maybe stay for the day and head home or stay overnight occasionally, maybe comine it with small reunions or something like that. This is the middle distance relationship.

Finally we get to the living across country or overseas, where they come for a holiday and are likely to stay for several weeks or a few months. Communication is almost totally by phone or email or IM, and it is obviously a long distance relationship.


So maybe we have to imagine that some couples who are terrible at living together in a close relationship, but mourn the days when they started dating and everything was wonderful are merely expressing an unconscious longing to return to the comfortable distance of the short-distance or middle distance relationship, or perhaps they would have done better to have lived with some separation to begin with.

I think we often go into a close relationship without realizing the way our personal space will be eroded by time, and the way it can sometimes take away from us as individuals, for example, my last long term relationship, I felt like I was losing myself a little bit, until I got my space worked out properly, and discovered I was quite happy seeing her 3 or 4 days a week and only staying weekends. (I got dumped not long after of course) I found holidays together harder, being forced to live together for several weeks with no outlet.

Yes! Exactly this. If I look at it from your Raymond Spectrum point of view (hilarious, I might add) I'm a middle distance girl. A few hours to drive to his place, or him to mine. That would also help with my issue of spotaneous drop ins. Few things send me into a bigger panic than that. In fact, if you don't give me warning that you're coming over, than I won't answer my door. It's as simple as that. Even if I peek out the front blinds and I know who you are. I need mental prep time for visitors no matter how much I love them (this goes for family as well).

Speaking only for myself, if I do it over again, I won't rush it. I'll just enjoy the process. I'm a big believer that you'll know when you're ready for more and if you go too far, than it's okay to put the breaks on and say back up a bit. I think it's better to preserve something you love about the person you're with, instead of railroading through a boundary and ruining what had potential to be an incredible thing.

Now is the perfect time to through in the old cliche about how good things come to those who wait.

That's a very interesting subject.

Before I've met my husband I wasn't able to share my space with anybody for more than 2 days. And I had to play the guest or host part - with rather specific rules for either situation. After a while, I just felt suffocated, needed space and time for myself and became overwhelmed with the responsibility of entertaining or feeding or just acknowledging the other one.

Drop ins are completely unacceptable for me - I never answer the door and don't even bother to check who's there. Calling first is such a small effort and a matter of basic manners.

People have different ideas about personal space and boundaries - it's a shame some will just assume you're heartless or cold because you don't go for "the more the merrier" POV.