Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Fear of approaching cuz they might have a BF/GF

Page 3 of 3 [ 47 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3

Previous topic | Next topic

ToadOfSteel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Sep 2007
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,157
Location: New Jersey

30 Sep 2009, 11:10 am

billsmithglendale wrote:
If you go into any social situation with a woman you find attractive with a motive other than "I want to date you," it really allows you to relax and stop vibing need or desperation.
I already figured that part out... this is one of the reasons why I prefer to meet women in group situations such as while doing theater, or perhaps at my church, or any other similar situation... it gives me context to talk to someone and get to know her without the pretext of dating... then by the time I may be ready to start dating, I will know whether she actually does have a boyfriend or not, but more importantly, I will have an idea as to whether a relationship would actually work or not...

Quote:
The person you are interested in probably does have a boyfriend (most women do at any given time), but like I've said so many times here, nothing is permanent, and you need to have a good network of women you like to help make a relationship happen eventually.

Know 100 women as friends, I will GUARANTEE you that you will get a relationship out of that group.

And yet I do know over 100 women as friends, either through my church or through theater stuff... no relationships there... just some awkward looks and one very crushing rejection...

Also, the whole "women will introduce you to their friends" doesn't exactly happen either... the only time I get to see a woman's friends is if I'm already friends with her friends...

Quote:
And part of making friends with a woman is letting her feel comfortable that you don't have any ulterior motives if she is already involved. It doesn't mean you can't be a little flirty (everyone flirts), but she has to know that you're not trying to sleep with her in the near future.
Oh I can make women feel comfortable around me easily, but that's usually a one-way ticket to the friend zone...

Quote:
This is the reason why we guys (and I'm sure this goes for women as well) often attract those people we are least interested -- we're so relaxed and satisfied around some of those same people that they find us attractive. Plus, everyone wants what they can't have, and conversely, someone who is wanted might find it very intriguing when someone else doesn't instantly hit on them or visibly want them.
By that logic, there should be tons of women falling head over heels for me, which is obviously not the case...

billsmithglendale wrote:
let me suggest something more: Even if they do have a BF, talk to them anyways, but as a friend, not as a guy looking for a date.

Fair enough... not all social contact is romantic in nature...

Quote:
You would really be surprised how doing something like that gets you on their list of "candidates" when they aren't with that BF anymore.
This, on the other hand, just sounds completely disingenuous and manipulative. If she is willing to get with me the moment she dumps her previous bf (or even before she does), that means she would also get with another guy before dumping me...



billsmithglendale
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Dec 2008
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,223

30 Sep 2009, 6:39 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:

The person you are interested in probably does have a boyfriend (most women do at any given time), but like I've said so many times here, nothing is permanent, and you need to have a good network of women you like to help make a relationship happen eventually.

Know 100 women as friends, I will GUARANTEE you that you will get a relationship out of that group.

And yet I do know over 100 women as friends, either through my church or through theater stuff... no relationships there... just some awkward looks and one very crushing rejection...


Do you really know 100 women as friends? I don't mean people you wave to or know as coworkers or members of a common group -- I mean literally friends that you would be comfortable sitting down to have coffee with or an informal chat. I have hundreds of "friends" on my Facebook account, half of them women, yet only a tiny % of those would I consider friends. I mean people who know something about you, know what is going on in your life, know the great things about you that make you who you are, and can see your value.

My pet theory, and I still don't know you other than our interaction here, is that you still put up the wall and wear the mask in public (and not just the usual AS mask). You're the one I'm always rooting for (even when I don't comment), because I know you have something to contribute to someone special. I just think you need to get out more and be more happy in public -- but that's me not knowing how your are outside of this little forum section here.



Bataar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,851
Location: Post Falls, ID

30 Sep 2009, 6:47 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
If I see a girl, the first thing I do is assume is that she has a boyfriend... it's not like there are any single women around anyway...


I think this is the right mindset, but not for the reasons you might think....

If you go into any social situation with a woman you find attractive with a motive other than "I want to date you," it really allows you to relax and stop vibing need or desperation. The person you are interested in probably does have a boyfriend (most women do at any given time), but like I've said so many times here, nothing is permanent, and you need to have a good network of women you like to help make a relationship happen eventually. Know 100 women as friends, I will GUARANTEE you that you will get a relationship out of that group. And part of making friends with a woman is letting her feel comfortable that you don't have any ulterior motives if she is already involved. It doesn't mean you can't be a little flirty (everyone flirts), but she has to know that you're not trying to sleep with her in the near future.

This is the reason why we guys (and I'm sure this goes for women as well) often attract those people we are least interested -- we're so relaxed and satisfied around some of those same people that they find us attractive. Plus, everyone wants what they can't have, and conversely, someone who is wanted might find it very intriguing when someone else doesn't instantly hit on them or visibly want them.

Wow, 100 women as friends? I've never had a single female friend. I don't even know a single, single woman right now.



Shebakoby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2009
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,759

30 Sep 2009, 6:52 pm

JohnHopkins wrote:
Shebakoby wrote:
I am of the mindset that I will refuse to approach a guy at all if there is even the slightest chance that he has a girlfriend.

Mainly, I think it is disrespectful to try to approach a guy that has a girlfriend. I have no wish to break anyone up or even present a tempation to break up.

But more than that, women these days get absolutely crazy jealous. I do not want to approach a guy only to have a crazy girlfriend call or email going "Stay the f*** away from him". Or worse.

I've heard of men tracking down guys that hit on their girlfriends, even if the hapless guy had no idea girl had a boyfriend, but this issue of women tracking down other women that hit on their BF is sort of a latter day phenomenon that I have noticed.


I think you're being a touch paranoid. The second you find out they're taken, you step away, and that's that. People just tracking down the guy or girl that hit on their partner sound ridiculous to me and I suspect that those are extreme cases.


Well I am slightly, but the women here are crazy. Must be something in the water. There've been cases in the area where girls/women have killed a woman/girl for allegedly 'hitting on' their boyfriend, whether it was true that they'd done so or not.



Last edited by Shebakoby on 30 Sep 2009, 6:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

SINsister
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 May 2005
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,435
Location: Pandaria

30 Sep 2009, 6:53 pm

Bataar wrote:
I've never had a single female friend. I don't even know a single, single woman right now.


I'm willing to bet that there're a bunch of women who fit those criteria right here at WP...


_________________
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

~Steve Jobs


Bataar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,851
Location: Post Falls, ID

30 Sep 2009, 9:36 pm

SINsister wrote:
Bataar wrote:
I've never had a single female friend. I don't even know a single, single woman right now.


I'm willing to bet that there're a bunch of women who fit those criteria right here at WP...

Right, but they'd have to share common interests with me, plus, live close enough to get together with to actually hang out as friends.



Shebakoby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2009
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,759

30 Sep 2009, 9:48 pm

Bataar wrote:
SINsister wrote:
Bataar wrote:
I've never had a single female friend. I don't even know a single, single woman right now.


I'm willing to bet that there're a bunch of women who fit those criteria right here at WP...

Right, but they'd have to share common interests with me, plus, live close enough to get together with to actually hang out as friends.


Yeah sucks that all the people with common interests are scattered so far and wide. :(



alex
Developer
Developer

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jun 2004
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,216
Location: Beverly Hills, CA

30 Sep 2009, 11:01 pm

i don't care if someone has a bf. if she gets weirded out, thats her issue. . . how the hell was i supposed to know. . . its not like she ws wearing a freakin sign. . . rejection is better than missing an opportunity. . .



Shebakoby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2009
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,759

01 Oct 2009, 12:32 am

alex wrote:
i don't care if someone has a bf. if she gets weirded out, thats her issue. . . how the hell was i supposed to know. . . its not like she ws wearing a freakin sign. . . rejection is better than missing an opportunity. . .


Yeah the only real signs are the more permanent commitment things...like wedding or engagement ringz



Janissy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 May 2009
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,450
Location: x

01 Oct 2009, 6:06 am

deadeyexx wrote:
If someone having a possible bf/gf is really an issue that prevents you from talking to someone, then you're coming on WAY to strong. Even if your intentions are romantic, you should be able to talk to someone long enough without making a move until you know if making one is a good idea.

In a nutshell, talking to someone DOES NOT constitute making a move. If you get backlash otherwise, then the angry person is way out of line.


Very true. At least very true once you get past highschool or are not in a bar (alcohol makes adults act like highschoolers, but how many posters here frequent bars?). In casual conversation, there really is a line between "talking to" and "hitting on".



Janissy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 May 2009
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,450
Location: x

01 Oct 2009, 6:12 am

billsmithglendale wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:

The person you are interested in probably does have a boyfriend (most women do at any given time), but like I've said so many times here, nothing is permanent, and you need to have a good network of women you like to help make a relationship happen eventually.

Know 100 women as friends, I will GUARANTEE you that you will get a relationship out of that group.

And yet I do know over 100 women as friends, either through my church or through theater stuff... no relationships there... just some awkward looks and one very crushing rejection...


Do you really know 100 women as friends? I don't mean people you wave to or know as coworkers or members of a common group -- I mean literally friends that you would be comfortable sitting down to have coffee with or an informal chat. I have hundreds of "friends" on my Facebook account, half of them women, yet only a tiny % of those would I consider friends. I mean people who know something about you, know what is going on in your life, know the great things about you that make you who you are, and can see your value.

My pet theory, and I still don't know you other than our interaction here, is that you still put up the wall and wear the mask in public (and not just the usual AS mask). You're the one I'm always rooting for (even when I don't comment), because I know you have something to contribute to someone special. I just think you need to get out more and be more happy in public -- but that's me not knowing how your are outside of this little forum section here.


Aw yeah. Me too. Anyone who bemoans the "friendzone" is a lot farther along than he thinks because being likeable to women is huge. I think there are some missed cues happening to ToS and also that cartoon in another thread is probably thoroughly accurate. ToS, I know you think I (we) are being annoyingly optimistic, but the tone of your posts does make it seem like you have an ability to connect with women, and that's huge.



Northeastern292
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,159
Location: Brooklyn, NY/Catskills

01 Oct 2009, 8:49 am

Shebakoby wrote:
alex wrote:
i don't care if someone has a bf. if she gets weirded out, thats her issue. . . how the hell was i supposed to know. . . its not like she ws wearing a freakin sign. . . rejection is better than missing an opportunity. . .


Yeah the only real signs are the more permanent commitment things...like wedding or engagement ringz


I agree with both of you. If you see a dating opportunity, go for it. For us non-NT types, finding a good fit in a relationship is hard. There are a decent amount of exceptions to this rule, but because of who we are, it's not easy at all.

My biggest issue is that I can be way too picky about who I enter a relationship with (e.g. a girl who doesn't drink or is a very light drinker, someone who doesn't overly party, someone who doesn't sleep around, someone who is strong minded and sincere).



Shebakoby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2009
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,759

01 Oct 2009, 11:38 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
If you go into any social situation with a woman you find attractive with a motive other than "I want to date you," it really allows you to relax and stop vibing need or desperation.
I already figured that part out... this is one of the reasons why I prefer to meet women in group situations such as while doing theater, or perhaps at my church, or any other similar situation... it gives me context to talk to someone and get to know her without the pretext of dating... then by the time I may be ready to start dating, I will know whether she actually does have a boyfriend or not, but more importantly, I will have an idea as to whether a relationship would actually work or not...

Quote:
The person you are interested in probably does have a boyfriend (most women do at any given time), but like I've said so many times here, nothing is permanent, and you need to have a good network of women you like to help make a relationship happen eventually.

Know 100 women as friends, I will GUARANTEE you that you will get a relationship out of that group.

And yet I do know over 100 women as friends, either through my church or through theater stuff... no relationships there... just some awkward looks and one very crushing rejection...

Also, the whole "women will introduce you to their friends" doesn't exactly happen either... the only time I get to see a woman's friends is if I'm already friends with her friends...

Quote:
And part of making friends with a woman is letting her feel comfortable that you don't have any ulterior motives if she is already involved. It doesn't mean you can't be a little flirty (everyone flirts), but she has to know that you're not trying to sleep with her in the near future.
Oh I can make women feel comfortable around me easily, but that's usually a one-way ticket to the friend zone...

Quote:
This is the reason why we guys (and I'm sure this goes for women as well) often attract those people we are least interested -- we're so relaxed and satisfied around some of those same people that they find us attractive. Plus, everyone wants what they can't have, and conversely, someone who is wanted might find it very intriguing when someone else doesn't instantly hit on them or visibly want them.
By that logic, there should be tons of women falling head over heels for me, which is obviously not the case...

billsmithglendale wrote:
let me suggest something more: Even if they do have a BF, talk to them anyways, but as a friend, not as a guy looking for a date.

Fair enough... not all social contact is romantic in nature...

Quote:
You would really be surprised how doing something like that gets you on their list of "candidates" when they aren't with that BF anymore.
This, on the other hand, just sounds completely disingenuous and manipulative. If she is willing to get with me the moment she dumps her previous bf (or even before she does), that means she would also get with another guy before dumping me...


I'm guessing that the women that see you as a friend have found a 'dealbreaker' and this is why they do not take it further.



ToadOfSteel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Sep 2007
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,157
Location: New Jersey

01 Oct 2009, 12:09 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:
My pet theory, and I still don't know you other than our interaction here, is that you still put up the wall and wear the mask in public (and not just the usual AS mask). You're the one I'm always rooting for (even when I don't comment), because I know you have something to contribute to someone special. I just think you need to get out more and be more happy in public -- but that's me not knowing how your are outside of this little forum section here.

It's more complicated than that... I've tried the whole partying/nightlife thing that just about every woman my age seems to enjoy, and found that it just causes sensory overload... not to mention that all the (probably drunk) people that I don't know around me just put me on edge, making me look even more awkward than I already was...

Janissy wrote:
Aw yeah. Me too. Anyone who bemoans the "friendzone" is a lot farther along than he thinks because being likeable to women is huge. I think there are some missed cues happening to ToS and also that cartoon in another thread is probably thoroughly accurate. ToS, I know you think I (we) are being annoyingly optimistic, but the tone of your posts does make it seem like you have an ability to connect with women, and that's huge.

What I've been finding is that women have no trouble keeping me as a friend, but every time I feel safe enough around a woman (from having known her long enough) to make advances, I'm pretty much rebuked every time...



Shebakoby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2009
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,759

01 Oct 2009, 1:24 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
My pet theory, and I still don't know you other than our interaction here, is that you still put up the wall and wear the mask in public (and not just the usual AS mask). You're the one I'm always rooting for (even when I don't comment), because I know you have something to contribute to someone special. I just think you need to get out more and be more happy in public -- but that's me not knowing how your are outside of this little forum section here.

It's more complicated than that... I've tried the whole partying/nightlife thing that just about every woman my age seems to enjoy, and found that it just causes sensory overload... not to mention that all the (probably drunk) people that I don't know around me just put me on edge, making me look even more awkward than I already was...

Janissy wrote:
Aw yeah. Me too. Anyone who bemoans the "friendzone" is a lot farther along than he thinks because being likeable to women is huge. I think there are some missed cues happening to ToS and also that cartoon in another thread is probably thoroughly accurate. ToS, I know you think I (we) are being annoyingly optimistic, but the tone of your posts does make it seem like you have an ability to connect with women, and that's huge.

What I've been finding is that women have no trouble keeping me as a friend, but every time I feel safe enough around a woman (from having known her long enough) to make advances, I'm pretty much rebuked every time...


Yeah, I'd have to say the source of the rebuke is a 'dealbreaker', and one that is pretty widespread and easily identified by women in general if you're rebuffed every time.

The problem is finding out what that dealbreaker is...