inability to feel loved

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ToS - Of course I don't know anything about your girlfriend. But I know that, myself, I have trouble feeling emotions. Most of the time I am just going through the motions because I know I would feel love if I was capable of it. Some times I really can feel it and it feels great but I'd say those times are less than the times where I feel nothing. So.. again no idea what your girlfriend is like but just sharing my experience. My feelings or lack thereof have little to do with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is great.

Does that make you want to break up with your boyfriend from time to time or not? Because my girlfriend does tell me that I'm great, but every now and then says she has serious doubts because she's not "feeling it" and says she might want to break up, and only my patience with her (which is being somewhat taxed as of late) is what gets me through each development without wanting to break up with her myself...

If it's just a matter of her going through those periods of what you feel (or rather, don't feel), is it possible for me to find a way to help her through those so that we can experience the good times without feeling like it's all over every time it's not good?

It does indeed sometimes make me want to break up. Not the numbness itself, I've grown entirely used to that although it did make me feel like that at times before. Like I should let him go because he deserves someone better or there is something wrong with me or blah blah.

But these days its not like that most of the time. But what does happen is that if anything comes up that might harken to a bigger problem I get scared and start talking about bailing. I had a lot of problems with my ex and if anything reminds me of that, I start thinking about how I don't want to be in that kind of a situation again and consider taking off. If my feelings of love and being loved were stronger, leaving would not be an option becuase I'd probably feel like I'd rather die than leave the person I loved. But I'm very emotionally handicapped so sometimes I feel like I could just... not care about anything. But comes and goes. I do not know of any way to lessen the periods of numbless, sorry.

Being that my boyfriend is a WP member I will add this incase he stumbles across this post - It is not at all that I do not love him or want to leave. That is not the case. I do love him and I won't leave. There are just some times where I am incapable of feeling anything and it doesn't seem so hard to leave. Especially when I think of all the terrible, terrible pain I put up with from my ex. I dont know... like I said.. I am emotionally handicapped. I was almost completely emotionless my entire life until highschool.. and it seems I am possibly regressing now. Hard to say... I'm having a numb day today ask me again tomorrow.

I'm not looking for a way to lessen or remove the periods of numbness... that's akin to trying to change your mate's personality, the folly of which has been explored in many a thread here...

What I do want to know is if it's possible to come up with a coping mechanism that would allow her to get through those numb periods without it being so nerve-wracking for me (since the moment she says she has "doubts", my brain starts overanalyzing what i did wrong to trigger that, even if it isn't my fault)...

Sorry to ruin the feeling of 'romance' but I've measured my feelings of numbness and love. I feel a lot of love before and during a period, and then it goes again and I feel numb. It's really strange because I end up doing silly, irrational things like looking up horoscopes and feeling lonely, desperately wanting a guy, listening to love songs etc. Then when that feeling goes, the numbness returns and everything feels dull, including my feelings for other people. I also realise how pointless horoscopes are.

Wow, I really relate to the OP in some ways although I'm not sure if it's love exactly. I have trouble "getting in the moment" or feeling the need to smile after someone says I love you. I'm not exactly sure how to describe but it's as if I'm unable to reciprocate those feelings back. I thought it might just be aspergers since low empathy is well known trait for the diagnoses.

In fact I use to drink to try and "feel" or express a feeling that was appropriate to those who cared about me. When I'm sober I also have this feeling that not only does no one love me but when they do, they pretend. I think some of these issues are probably due to also feeling socially isolated and imprisoned. It's very hard to not be on the same page and be able to pull off the social norms like most ppl.

Anyway I'm probably rambling, this topic isn't about me, it's about Lotus. Lotus you seem like a lovable person at least online. Just look at this as one of those quirks or challenges that you might have to accept while others you could probably work on. I'm wondering if also it might be due to low self esteem or depression?

It's almost true what they say "Love yourself before you love anyone else."

I'm trying to understand the lack of emotion that can be associated with AS....if it's okay to ask, when you say "there's always something missing" - do you mean there's something missing for you? Or do you think there's something missing for the other person? I'm assuming (and this is rooted in my Aspie-ignorant, NT world) that you know what love feels like, e.g., feeling love for a child or a pet or a parent (obviously not equally, but all examples of unconditional love). So isn't it possible that you just haven't been in a solid, loving relationship - and that's what's been missing - the commitment and the support that's supposed to back up the words? (And for the record, I don't believe in unconditional love between partners...IMO, love between partners has to be nurtured and cared for regularly, and even then, there are things partners can do - abuse, adultery, etc., that are fatal to love. So I'm not asking if you believe you've experienced that kind of eutopian, nirvana type of love....just the realistic love-between-partners type.)

This is my problem i dont know if she "loves" me maybe she just likes me alot but I....cant....tell :'( and now i feel like i love her but she just likes me! i dont know there is no way to tell and if there is then i cant see it its not there and this is why i will die alone ( well maybe not but who cares )

You're 15 years old, you have a gf, and you're worried about dying alone? Calm down, bro. Don't push the idea of love - enjoy what you have in this relationship - a nice gf. You're not supposed to be worried about dying alone at 15 - you're supposed to be worrying about classes, and learning about life - and that includes learning the difference between dating your high school gf and finding a wife. Relax and slow it down.

I think there's something missing from the other person when it comes to "loving" an Aspie. The NT perception of me as being "cold" and "unemotional" due to my difficulties with non-verbal communication are naturally reciprocated by the other person. Can someone truly love "Mr. Spock"?

It's not that I don't feel love for others, it's just that people cannot understand how I express my feelings, misunderstand them, and respond accordingly.

So I've just kind of accepted it.

Yes, Lotusblossom, I relate to this very much, although I don't have anything useful to contribute. It depresses me a lot and don't know that there's much I can really do about it.

I don't mean to sound trite, or PollyAnna-ish, or critical....but I think you just haven't met the right woman yet.

To me, you have a huge advantage, because you know you're an Aspie (and I'm assuming you disclose that to any woman you date). If I were dating you (or any Aspie man), I'd do my research to understand how AS might impact my relationship. I'd also talk to my partner about what's okay, what's not okay, what behaviors feel right or natural for both of us, and what behaviors we'd need to compromise on. For example, I'm very affectionate, and I show affection often. If my partner was bothered by touch, we'd have to figure out the level of physical affection he'd be comfortable with. (I don't know how that would work, exactly....maybe some Aspies don't mind being touched as long as they know it's coming, or as long as the touch is light, or on a certain part of the body, or whatever....I'm just assuming a compromise is possible.)

As a functional NT woman, I'd never expect an Aspie man to behave like an NT man. I mean, we all have limitations. But if my Aspie partner had demonstrated his character (through his actions), and shown himself to be trustworthy and kind, and we shared the same basic values (about marriage, parenting, fidelity, etc.), and he truly loved me - I'd consider him a catch. (Of course, I'd also take the time to date him and get to know him, and be able to observe that his behavior was consistent over a reasonable period of time.)

I guess the foundation of a successful Aspie/NT relationship has got to be acceptance. Any NT woman who marries an Aspie without accepting that he really is an Aspie is a poster girl for dysfunctional behavior. Seriously...let's say I met a guy who had a leg injury that resulted in a permanent limp. I knew he had a limp when I met him, he told me it was permanent, I said I was okay with the limp, and I wound up marrying him. A few years go by and one day I say to him, "Really, honey - if you continue limping, I will divorce you." Does that sound even kind of reasonable? Of course not - I would be completely wrong, because I knew I was marrying a man who had a certain characteristic that he couldn't change and I married him anyway. Expecting a permanent characteristic to change is my problem - not his.

I'm just kind of wondering if you've had a very open sort of communication with women you've dated....just to say, "Look, if I seem cold or a little disconnected - point it out to me so we can discuss it. Odds are it's just the AS and doesn't have anything to do with what I'm feeling at the moment." Or is the idea of that level of communication uncomfortable? Then again, if it's not obvious, I'm a communicator, so it seems kind of natural to me. I definitely choose communication over manipulation...if a guy I'm dating does something I don't like, I never pull that, "Figure out what's making me mad," game. I'm very straight-up about whatever's bugging me. I'm very clear about what I find acceptable and unacceptable in terms of behavior - and I don't understand women who aren't.

I don't know...I've read some stuff here by Aspie man that makes it appear that they're so worried about finding someone, dating someone, making love to someone, that they're willing to date anyone who's willing to date them. And that just seems dysfunctional to me. It's important to know the good qualities you bring to a relationship, to be honest about the negatives, and be willing to compromise and to change what you can - but it's also important to pick a woman who shares that same level of self-knowledge, and willingness to do the work. I just don't think you've met her yet.

^If only more women were like you, there would be fewer jaded, depressed, hopeless (but i'm guessing otherwise worthwhile) men such as myself kicking around...

Not true. There are more than enough dudes around who are not jaded, depressed, or hopeless to fulfill women of that nature.

That wasn't what I was trying to get at. If there were more people (of either gender) like Hope around, I wouldn't have been subjected to the destruction of my very soul over the years, and maybe I would have emerged as someone that a woman could love...

I dont agree with you HopeGrows. Although I recongnise everyone on the spectrum is different. I think that imagining what a relationship is like with someone with AS is much different from the reality of it. Someone can tell you they have AS and what that means in their case but it is very different to experience it.

It can grow tired (esp for NT partners) to constantly feel rejected and like your needs are not met, to not be listened to or a priority and to always be pushing for intimacy when the person does not have any to give.

In my experience even others with AS can get tired of AS ways in another.

There are just some things and abilities that some of us dont have and finding the right person will not bring them out.

Most women I think would not be happy to live a half life not being loved as much as they know someone else could love them. That is why I think lots of men with AS want a partner with AS as they know how they would struggle to me an NTs needs for emotional reciprocacy and affection.