how can I make a bad relationship work?

Post Reply New Topic

Thanks for all your replys everyone, they were very useful in helping me straighten out my thoughts.

I had misread the situation and thought that he wanted to be reconsiled as he made angry phone calls late at night but in actuality he just wanted to vent anger and had no intention of reconsiliation.

So Im going to move on and try to forget about him.

What are electronic cigarettes?

I don't know where to start. I feel horrible. i have hurt many people through my life through being spiteful and easliy offended/feeling rejected.

I really want to be able to support you but i dont know how to, i want to be able to make you feel better and for you being with me to be something that makes your life better and makes you happy. i wanted to be a help but i keep upsetting you and being crap without knowing why,

"It hurts a lot not being with him and makes me feel like Im dying and sick, I feel very sad not being with him."

But your not always like this, sometimes your saying things like this, that you cant live without me etc, and sometimes your realy cold and distant and wanting me away, and i never know which one you are going to be. The ambivalence and inconsistency is very hard. there are times when ive messed up things and upset you because you were happy and wanted me and i was on my guard and steeling myself because you had been the cold mood before.

I'm nervous and not good with dealing with problems, i never know when is a safe time to deal with stuff. i cant do it at your house because you might get angry and throw me out, i cant do it over the phone because we keep getting interupted and my family interupt me and i dont feel private, i cant do it over mail as you dont answer mails anymore. I'm un-assertive and not good at dealing with stuff, that is a huge problem for me and one i try to work on.

"Im someone who is most happy if I saw him just on weekends and just texted (I hate phonecalls). "

I did not know you saw phone calls as such a chore and did not want to make them, you did not communicate that to me, i thought you had become ok with them as you always rang me, You once said to me yourself you Appreciated me talking to you on the phone as you knew i find calls hard and thanked me.

In your dating ad to me when we first met you said you liked emailing lots and would want to mail lots of times a day, i did not know this had changed.

everyone i have had a relationship with, and many friends have seen me as snitty and smothering, that how i am when i depend on someone and feel needy for them. it is a flaw i need to sort out and stop doing.

" very hard to get out of him what he really feels, he will send a mean text or email complaining about me but then when i confront him on it he will just appologise and say he was mean and deny thinking/feeling those things."

i think sometimes it is real anger i have had, at times when i thought you were unfair. a lot of the time i just picked something to fight about as i was feeling generally resentful and powerless, and there was no one thing to fight about i just came up with one, and i did reallly regret it.

"I think most of the problems in the relationship come from me not being good at relationships, somewhat ambivalent and not very tollerant of others company. I would carry these problems into any relationship."

you have that, i have my insecurity, lack of confidence, rejection fear and spitefullness. thats why i say this morning i worry it can never work.

" its hard to relax when someone is in your home and just 'let be' its hard to let go of hosting and constantly trying to make them happy. "

thats what i wanted, us to be able to relax with each other, its hard to be a visitor as well as a new home does things differently.

"Before we started dating I said I only wanted a relationship where we met every fortnight and emailed every other day (or some such) but he did not fully understnd that or the implications, he is niave and poor at predicting outcome. "

but you changed your mind on that too, it wasnt just me pushing. you changed to saying you could live with me and marry me, and kept changing back again.

"He will agree to come only at the weekend but when i tell him to go home he will be sad and send me angry texts at having 'thrown him out'."

I do not think this part is fair - every time i have done this, has been a time when you changed your mind and offered to let me stay longer, and then changed it back again and disapointed me. There has never been a time when i have complained at leaving at the appointed time we agreed on, unless you changed it yourself, and Suddenly changed it back again when your mood change. And also there have been lots of times you have offered to let me stay longer and been happy about it and we left happy.

i dont think you even know when you are rude yourself sometimes, that night you called me just to tell me that Ryan had helped save someone (which wasnt even fully true) and you just wanted to tell me that you thought i would never do that and i would be too crap. What kind of reaction did you expect from a call like that.

This holiday, you called me to talk about your problems with SS. In the past i have asked you about your problems because i have heard that people like to be able to talk about what upsets them. But you have always shouted at me and said you dont want to talk about your problems. so the last time i change the subject and tell you about my friends. And you shouted at me and said i was trite and didnt care. But I changed the subject because i thought thats what you wanted.

you went nuts at me and said i was trite for saying "have a good week" on the phone. I'm not good at talking, i dont know how not to be trite. i think you should be more forgiving when i say things like that and just tell me why its wrong.

And i dont like talking on the phone that much, i find it hard too, i had no idea before you saw it as only for my benefit. i know i am trite and not good at showing support. But i do feel real concern and pain for you. the stuff you are going through with the SS and the rest is making me very sad and angry, you being hurt and stressed makes me extremely sad and worried, i would do anything to stop it and make it better if i could. but i am not good at speech and expressing my self on the phone so it comes out silly and trite. i cant talk on the phone as natually as being together in real life, its a weak point.

i also didnt think it was fair for you to lose your temper over me asking "so you do want to see me again someday". I was just feeling insecure and wanted conformation as you had changed your mind so many times that month.

i dont think you have been fair to me this holiday with your nasty phone calls, if you wanted the rest to give up smoking you should have just told me you didnt want to email or talk on the phone, instead of just calling me and being nasty when i cant deliver what you expect. im sure i would have been happy with the ocasonal reassuring text.

I do not think it is fully fair, this idea you have that your glaring, your mood swings, you overreacting,, is just part of you and something any partner should just accept and shrug off. i think those things might have got worse than you think as you had so much time alone and such difficult time recently. i think you should be more forgiving of me when i find those things difficult and not just say "oh well thats how i am, if you dont like it we need to split up."

i think you should decide, if you want to be distant and casual and keep me at arms length then be that, if you want to be loving "i cant live without you, i want to marry you" then be that, but not always changing between the two .

However I do love you very much, my good times with you have been the happiest times of my whole life, i mean that. Our aspie meetups, our dates, our chats together, our happy times in the house eating nice stuff and watching tv (yes i realise now it was all for my benefit) , our trips out to places like arundel and wetlands, all the times together, i have never been happier that that.

just looking at you and seeing you smile at me is that happiest i have ever felt. When i imagine how you look those times when we look into eachothers eyes, i am so happy. i hav never fancied anyone as much as you, i have never enjoyed being with anyone to talk to and be close to as much as you, ive never found anyone as interesting as you, ive never felt as safe with anyone as you.

However i dont want us to be together if it will always be on/off, angry, and cause us both so much hurt and sadness, which is why i made those texts this morning.

I really dont know what to do, i want to do the best thing which is not hurtful for us or make life harder for us.

I worry that if we are apart i will never be able to get over you, never stop stalking your posts and wondering what you are doing.

i dont know if i could have kept happy in a weekend relationship, i dont want to be around if its making stress and your unhappy, but i really wanted to be a big part of your life and take part in everything you do. it makes me feel embaressed that i dont have a chance to support you in those things and you want to do them alone (as you
know).

if its never going to work out i want us both to be ok. i just dont know what to do.

I'm sorry you can't afford counseling, because I think that's the forum you need to figure out whether the two of you can find a compromise here or not. Because that's the crux of the problem - nobody really gets to be in a relationship only when they feel like it. If you both want the perks of the relationship, then you're just going to have to suck up what you don't like, and limit what you can't stand....that's compromise. You also both clearly need to improve your communication skills, since you're both making a lot of assumptions, and the results are killing your relationship.

If you're both willing to meet each other half way, then you need to very clearly define where that half-way point lies (obviously you haven't done that yet), and you need to figure out how to communicate with each other more openly, honestly, and effectively. Good luck.

Tom Im abiding by your text this morning and not contacting you again.

I understand you want to put your view.

As far as Im concerned the discussion is over.

maybe it is BPD and i expect i never had a chance to make it work.

Again we see why WrongPlanet.net does not support people trying to hash out their off line life between members on our forum.

Conduct
-----------
The following activities are unacceptable on WrongPlanet:

*Unacceptable content includes
behavior intended to provoke or belittle other members;and anything else that purposely causes conflict with other members.

* Personal attacks against people or other sites are not permitted. If you have an issue with someone, talk to them about it somewhere other than our forum.


this thread is locked.

Merle
Moderator