Why do some people cut off their friendships when...
wendigopsychosis
Velociraptor
Joined: 11 Apr 2010
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 471
Location: United States
If your boyfriend told you to stop being friends with men, then that's a bad sign that he's trying to control you, whether or not he's doing it on purpose...
It's jealousy, pure and simple. Lots of people worry that their S.O. will leave them for someone better, and a friend of the opposite sex is a prime target, as the two of you are already close and get along. Girls do it, guys do it, gays do it, straights do it. It's not a universal action, but it's definitely common in basically every walk of life.
I dated a guy who didn't mind me having male friends, he just didn't want me to see them when he wasn't there, and he didn't want me texting/calling/emailing them, which was kind of ridiculous.
I eventually did leave him for one of his friends though, so I bet he'll continue to be paranoid
Though it wasn't because he was my friend, it was because my ex and I didn't work well together, and the guy I chose instead was someone who made me comfortable.
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AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
I apologize for only skimming this topic, but I thought I'd chime in my own $0.02.
The kind of problems I've had socially just make me look like anything other than a guy normal girls would want to hang out with. Which is unfair, because I've dated a few girls who genuinely seemed to like me until either some "bad boy" type stole her away or her same-sex friends started giving her a hard time about how weird I am.
So before my wife and I got married (she is a BEAUTIFUL woman) and on some occasions after, we had a few chats on what behaviors were unacceptable in our relationship.
#1: No fooling ourselves that we can be "just friends" with our exes. Been there, tried that, didn't work.
#2: At least TRY to cultivate same-sex relationships. This is most painful for me because I've had better luck with friendship with women than men. I can only hold out in discussions of sports and automotive repair for so long!
#3: Zero tolerance for friends who trash the other spouse.
#4: Zero tolerance for telling all your friends (some of whom are my friends, also) the latest stupid, idiotic, senseless, etc. thing I did that you absolutely hate.
#5: No activities that are embarrassing to the other spouse or the family. If one of us is going to act like an idiot, we're ALL going to act like idiots, and we're going to act like idiots as a FAMILY! So no calling another man to drive you home, even if it's your friend's husband, after a night getting drunk with your "girlfriends." Either call ME to come get you, or let's just all get sloppy together!
The "rules" work both ways, by the way, so I apologize if this sounds sexist. Both partners in a committed relationship should look after the welfare of the other. Being seen with someone of the opposite sex is, in my opinion, downright insulting to my partner. It is, at times, unavoidable. But I can honestly say that my wife knows every time who I'm with, where we're going, what we're doing, why there's a GOOD reason we have to be alone together at that point in time, and exactly when I'll get home. It's not about control. It's about showing your partner you can be trusted.
Some people seem to say that both partners should just be free to do whatever they want, talk to whoever they want regardless of sex, regardless of what the other partner thinks. Well, that sounds like a fine idea, but it does little to offer the other person security in the relationship. Being with so many people of the opposite sex is only going to make an insecure partner more insecure. If you want to say that you are in a committed relationship, I think one has to exercise discretion and be respectful of the other person.
