In praise of Aspie men

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Hi anandamide;

Thanks for the post. It was very interesting to read. I think you are correct in that I believe we can learn from one another's experiences and lives perhaps... well it seems so, so far! And thanks again for sharing your experiences.

I'll just reply off the top of my head - first:

I never waited for the 'right time' to have kids. It just didn't happen for me. When I got married, I was ready to accept children at any time. He's hte one who didn't seem to want them after he said he did... In other words, he didn't try to make his own really Lol, and would not discuss adoption (which of course he had agreed to to as Plan B, beforehand).

Also, Im really glad it worked out for you and I'm glad you have kids. No matter what now you have a higher chance of not being alone in old age. (Men come and go and can fail us.) But, not everyone is lucky enough to have a support system (babysitting/emotional support) while raising kids as a single mom... and not everyone has that great matriarchal line to back them up. I'm just sayin'.

Next: Hubby doesn't nap on teh sofa, he sleeps there. All the time. If he isn't on his computer he is snoozing on the sofa. He might go out for a fast food or light grocery run sometimes but for the most part, that's it.

I've asked him to move out many times, but rather than do so, he just gets worse. My self esteem gets lower with every time he does that. But then he has the paycheck and controls ALL the money. I don't know what to do about it; ethics don't seem to matter as far as that goes, to him. He has no problem apparently, not trying to improve things in our relationship or our daily lives, totally ignoring my wishes, and needs, and on top of that, not moving out or accepting any consequences. What can you do if you try to enact consequences and you are just ignored. That is the most helpless feeling.

You state you are disabled. I have conditions which make me mostly unable to work (although I am trying to train to work online etc.). So for that reason I too want my respect when I can get it - but instead he takes advantage of this, even says 'No one else will take you" if I tell him I want a divorce etc. So he rubs it in my face, basically.

You don't seem bothered by his not looking at you or touching you. But in my case I need those things to feel respected and loved; that he knows it and won't do that more often bothers me. It is as if he's continually saying in his actions, "I don't care and what are you going to do about it?".

Not going to my sister's wedding is the capper. Not only standing me up in front of my whole family, (and this may be the only way he will meet some of them) but hers too (we're half siblings) and then I have to explain to everyone back home he's not coming. It looks very strange. Married people do not attend such important family gatherings alone. It is also hard for me to travel alone. He doesn't seem to care. He has little to no empathy.

If you tell your partner that something he's done hurts you, what's his action in return? Does he just ignore you or does he try to address it?

Lastly I hope you get your flooring soon. The good flooring! I know just what you mean. Our floors aren't the worst but I'd love hardwood floors or at least something I chose for a change. We rent so our floors are that grey apartment shag carpet plus linoleum.

These are exactly the reasons why I picked "door C" instead of "door A" or "door B". I never had any power in any relationship where the other person was more ablebodied than myself. My current partner is a better match because we share the struggles that come with disability. Not saying it's perfect, but at least he doesn't get all the power while I have none.

My apie partner and I are both stuck on this little lifeboat together and if he doesn't behave in a decent way I can make his life quite miserable. I think it helps us to get along that neither one of us has more power really than the other financially. It sounds to me that the crux of the problem for you is not AS but the fact that your husband has wayyyy more financial power than you do. It really gets down to earning power, it seems to me. I hope it works out for you.

It can seem very bleak when you don't have an income of your own, but I have found in my experience that I don't need any man with money to provide an income. I live on the margins, but at least I don't have to put up with some financial control freak. That said, disability based income assistance can be just as disempowering. As I say, you seem to have picked "door A" while I picked "door C." All I can tell you is that I am fairly happy with "door C." Much happier than the short brief relationships with men I have had that represented "door A".

I had to edit this to say that I am just learning about love myself, so I have no great words of wisdom. One thing that is helping me is that I am currently reading a book by Bell Hooks. She is an American scholar who has written a philosophical treatise on love. The book is called "all about love" and it's great. I am half way through and one of the things she talks about is self-love. She writes about how silly it is that we search and search for the love that will save us when in fact we are perfectly capable of giving such love to ourselves, and will not find such a loving relationship until we learn to love ourselves the way that we want to receive love from another person.