Signs of an unhealthy relationship

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That's interesting, I didn't see it like that. I'd say it's probably the healthiest way for a narcissist to get it, doing a service for the world like that... win win

I have seen a TV show about him, not sure if it was this one.

Is there not a difference between psychopathy and narcissism?

Hi, I'm new here and I thought I would jump into a few topics to see how things went.

I've noticed in this thread that people seem to be shying away from one important aspect of relationships - money.

People are often taught to be romantic and say it doesn't matter. In the early stages, maybe it doesn't. As time goes on, however, it does become more important to think about such things. Both people should be investing in the relationship, emotionally and financially. If you like to go out to eat, then you should take turns to pay or agree to halve the bill. If you live together, then maybe get a joint bank account that you both contribute to. DO NOT, however, put ALL your money into one. Keep this account for rent, bills, etc. That way all the essentials are taken care of and you still have separate accounts that can pay for your own individual interests. What you spend that money on should be of little concern to the other person. Things will obviously change if someone loses their job or gets sick or something. I haven't experienced that, though, so I can't really advise on it.

In the relationship I am in, we have separate living situations, and finances, and I try not to be too much of an 'expense" for him....in fact, one of the ways I express affection for him is through gifts..I once became quite upset when he told me to stop getting him things..(He said this because he was worried about my financial situation...but it hurt my feelings cause he was dismissive of one of my forms of "expression"... He is a lot more "frugal" than I am..it is an admirable trait.

I am frugal when I need to be, but otherwise I am somewhat generous...I am in a weird employment situation..and don't feel like making this post any more long-winded than it needs to be.

Sorry to hear that you are THAT alone...
I at least get to see mine maybe 3 days a week. I have enjoyed the few times we'd have long weekends....I tend to dislike the weekends where I spend my Sundays all alone...those really hurt...I would prefer to be able to just be "around" him, while we are individually focusing on our separate interests, than stuck by myself at my house..I would MUCH prefer to be curled up at his house while he is gaming than all alone...because the sadness of the separation anxiety makes it hard for me to focus on anything....though I try....

I don't really have any other friends who are very close. Part of my loneliness stems from the fact that what people I do have to be around, I generally can't stand.....
It was so hard for me to be around my ex/"former best friend" that i avoided him for months..cause I could not handle how distraught he would get when we tried to hang out together as "friends"..Though initially when I broke up with him, he had been very nonchalant about it...until I found someone else...

We can't avoid each other completely because he is still my friend, and we are part of the same "peer group" and he works for the company i co-own and technically, he is in my band...It is just taking some adjustment. We were platonic for 5 years before we dated..we should be able to be platonic again.

I have virtually no female friends who I see in person other than a couple who live in another city..it is nice when they are around though.....once every couple of months or so....My ex is kinda male/female..so in ways he filled the void for both...(one of those AS-ish bi-gendered types)...he did not "mind" my gifting tendencies, but took them for granted. When I stopped buying him hair care products, he stopped combing his hair...

I have a house full of dolls, and um..my laptop...
I run a venue, and sometimes we are very busy and other times very slow...it is a stressful job and I frequently have to wear noise cancelling earmuffs. My boyfriend, sensitive to sound as he is, tends to avoid nights when we have crappy shows, but it is nice when he does come out to keep me company for a bit, though I have been aware that it is somewhat of an inconvenience for him...I am always happy to see him when he turns up....

We keep in touch online a lot.

I'd never have believed this a few years ago, but there's a definite warm feeling from just knowing somebody's in the house.

When I used to visit a partner miles away every couple of weeks, I used to get the most horrible feelings on the Sunday afternoon when I got back. I suggested to a counsellor that it could be separation anxiety, but she said maybe it was social exhaustion. I never took to that explanation because the main part of the feeling was intense sorrow.


Yes that kind of thing can come as quite a shock. I've been on the receiving end of it once or twice and it really humbled me to realise how little I knew about my own feelings.

He has gotten better...he never needed me as much as I needed him, and continues to get on well without me...he can just sometimes act up and be a drama queen..particularly when he has been drinking... It does not mean his feelings aren't real.....but he understands why I had to break up with him...

That's it - take the people away and we lose the anxiety but we get the loneliness instead. Glad you're getting a bit more daylight these days though. And I think animals really can help.


With me it used to be anger when I tried to address relationship problems.....I'd hold everything back till I couldn't stand it any more, and then when it did surface, I got really offensive. These days I just try to tackle one issue at a time, and to move off it as soon as I feel I've made my point - even that isn't easy, because I always seem to feel that a simple explanation isn't enough. Sometimes I think it's easier to start by talking to somebody else about it, because at least you know you're not likely to hurt them...it's kind of difficult to stay on task when it's disturbing the listener.

I tried lots of things to try and break up the melancholia thing but nothing really worked. I was just too upset to turn my mind onto anything else. I was actually better off not visiting my partner at all, as far as the way I felt on Sundays went.


I think people sometimes go into a loop where the original feeling gets amplified out of all proportion...we try to express it but it all goes wrong.

PS I was just wondering - do you think this separation anxiety thing could be down to the amplified feelings that have been documented in autistic people?

That was the reasoning i had used to give him..the oxytocin withdrawal...I would get it fiercely.....I had to explain to him what oxytocin was...(as opposed to Oxycontin)...It gets progressively worse after a few days...going from Sunday till wednesday without seeing him sometimes could be somewhat excruciating...and then getting to see him, but on nights when he did not feel like doing anything beyond cuddling and then going to sleep..after going some days without seeing him....would whip me into a state of melancholy....often unable to sleep....often downtrodden through the long passage of time before I'd get to see him again...

I have worked on dealing with this so that the pinch is not felt so strongly.....

Never give someone a Valentine's card and them telling you that they will go out with you "Because they ripped it up". True story and nothing happened.

Never go out with someone very obsessive about you (either for attention or because they are desperate).

Never date anyone through online unless you actually plan on meeting them regularly.

All these have happened to me but the last one was a friend I currently see a bit and have known for years....it was better when I didn't ask them out though.

Hmmm......my problems always got better after the first day apart, though at its worst it could linger till Tuesday.

I think part of the sorrow was the feeling of waste, because when we got a couple of days together it just wasn't anything like long enough.......brief visits are very different from living together, they're very vulnerable to interference from mundane stuff, and you haven't got tomorrow to make up the shortfall.

Maybe we need a thread called "signs of a GOOD relationship" that could be more helpful...in the long run..

It'd be a good counterbalance to this one wouldn't it? I vote yes.

Would cheer me up



You are ofc right, I know this was my first response, I must have once again dwelled only on the negative aspects in the long run. Many narcissism forums are turned into playgrounds for cyber bullies, because they know victims will turn up. There are reports that Vaknins were amongst the worst. It makes sense really, many fledgling vampires drawn to worship their overly grandiose vampire god that has spread his ego throughout the entire internet.

If someone asked for specific help for their particular situation, he would almost always refuse to answer and just post a similar link to his literature.....
He also uses a lot of needlessly complicated vocabulary. I personally understand it, but still I think it's probably done to make victims think oooh this man is so intelligent and awesome

But yes for the occasional googler, he does much good

Then click and be cheered, if you haven't already:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt157819.html

only..I think thus far it has not been the most cheerful of threads as it idealizes elements that ought to exist in relationships that many lack...

I agree it's currently sagging a little in the jollity department after a couple of posts that are more about this thread than that one. Where's all the super happy Aspies when we need them?