No-nonsense advice for young men?

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ikorack
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04 Apr 2011, 12:24 am

nick007 wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

spongy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

You might want to talk to Grisha before you go down that road.

I was just about to write the same thing.

If you are seriously considering it try talking with grisha about it before doing anything.

I don't have the money to do it rite now & probably won't for quite a while but that's probably about the only way some of us guys can get a girl

Nick they just use you for a US green card. You will end up more miserable than before.

Not necessarily. They have to be married for quite a few years in order to become citizens. None of the advice I ever got here has worked for me & there's other members here who've tried lots & lots of stuff & still alone. I truly believe someone would like me if they gave me an honest chance

Do not know if this has been brought up(I'm about to start page two) but a domestic violence accusation could get her a green card.

nick007
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04 Apr 2011, 1:36 am

ikorack wrote:

nick007 wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

spongy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

You might want to talk to Grisha before you go down that road.

I was just about to write the same thing.

If you are seriously considering it try talking with grisha about it before doing anything.

I don't have the money to do it rite now & probably won't for quite a while but that's probably about the only way some of us guys can get a girl

Nick they just use you for a US green card. You will end up more miserable than before.

Do not know if this has been brought up(I'm about to start page two) but a domestic violence accusation could get her a green card.

There would have to be some kinda proof thou like physical injuries. The whole process would be a lot of hassle to go true just for a green-card. I really bet a woman would like me after she knew me a while

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ikorack
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04 Apr 2011, 1:51 am

nick007 wrote:

ikorack wrote:

nick007 wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

spongy wrote:

hale_bopp wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I think we should look into mail-order brides. The dating scene is impossible for some of us so we would have to find a way around that step

You might want to talk to Grisha before you go down that road.

I was just about to write the same thing.

If you are seriously considering it try talking with grisha about it before doing anything.

I don't have the money to do it rite now & probably won't for quite a while but that's probably about the only way some of us guys can get a girl

Nick they just use you for a US green card. You will end up more miserable than before.

Do not know if this has been brought up(I'm about to start page two) but a domestic violence accusation could get her a green card.

mmm, no, physical evidence would help but it is not necessary. And your also asserting that physical evidence could not be made.

see http://www.masslegalhelp.org/domestic-v ... e#evidence

And then look into how to get a protective order. The lawyer for the affidavit and protective order is usually gotten by reference(aka questioning a shelter or something and them supplying a reference to a lawyer as is one of their duties) but she could always find one on her own.

Also your just a green card statement is just thick headed, A green card is of much value to one who does not possess citizenship or documentation. Also I realize it is your bet to make, I just think I should share my knowledge of the risks.

nick007
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04 Apr 2011, 2:30 am

I appreciate you trying to help ikorack but telling me that choice is wrong is not helping me unless you can offer a better option. A mail-order bride isn't my 1st choice but I cant think of anything else reasonable that I haven't already tried. We're going to have to agree to disagree on this

ikorack
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04 Apr 2011, 2:44 am

nick007 wrote:

I'm not saying its wrong I'm just saying your gamble has a higher risk than you had so far imagined.

nick007
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04 Apr 2011, 3:08 am

ikorack wrote:

nick007 wrote:

I'm not saying its wrong I'm just saying your gamble has a higher risk than you had so far imagined.

"The riskier the road, the greater the profit"~ Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #62
But seriously I doubt my luck could be much worse than some of the other stuff I tried

01001011
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04 Apr 2011, 10:16 am

Chronos wrote:

...
The men who really shouldn't approach women are probably actually in the minority on here. These would be the ones who, for one reason or another, have been so isolated that they really haven't learned any social graces at all, and really have difficulty socializing with anyone. To these men, I suggest making an attempt to improve your social skills all around before considering trying to start a romantic relationship.
...

OK it seems I am the extreme minority. I have no social life since 11 and no relative or whatever to talk to. Looks like these dating skills is more elusive than learning how to swim by just reading a book :roll:

deadeyexx
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04 Apr 2011, 10:41 am

simon_says wrote:

I spent *ALOT* of time learning to do this in my 20s. I'm no pro and can still have the "active but odd" vibe but I can certainly get women.

1) Experience is king. If you arent trying, you won't improve. From early to late 20s was like night and day for me.

2) Be prepared to take the lumps. NT men have to take them as well. You'll just need to take a few more because you can't read people well and will miss more often.

3) Be where the women are to hone your skills. I suppose serial online dating might also work but you want to have the fundamentals of comfort talking to women down as well. That takes volume and experience. It's a foundational skill.

4) Swallow your pride and take the hits. Making a pass and fumbling it is not the worst thing in the world.

5) You'll develop your own style in time. Don't try to follow any approach too literally. Experience will tell you what works for you.

I agree with the main message of this. Try, fail, try, fail, and keep trying til you get better. There's no easy way around this.

Also, ignore advice with the word "don't" in it. All it does is discourage the essential try/fail process. So, DO approach even though you're creepy, DO talk to people even though you lack social graces, DO act with the liberty of a well socially-adjusted person even though you're not there yet. The correct advice is which ever one that tells you to keep trying and improving.

Well, there is one "DON'T". DON'T listen to guilt trips. All to often you'll recieve backlash for your efforts and be told how intrusive you are. You may get on people's nerves and have to leave, but don't believe for a second what you're doing is wrong on a fundamental level.

01001011
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04 Apr 2011, 11:00 am

^^^
That is just stupid and can get one arrested. See post 72 of this http://www.wrongplanet.net/posts126272-start60.html

deadeyexx
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04 Apr 2011, 11:21 am

01001011 wrote:

^^^
That is just stupid and can get one arrested. See post 72 of this http://www.wrongplanet.net/posts126272-start60.html

I wasn't talking about people who are trying to do illegal things. In those cases, being just creepy and weird is way better than the real damage they could cause. They SHOULD feel unconfident about what they want to do.

I was talking about people who are just unskilled at navigating social waters. You have to push beyond your comfort zone, even though your discomfort doing so can sometimes project onto other people. This falls far short of something you can be arrested for.

ikorack
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04 Apr 2011, 12:20 pm

You said ignore don't advice, as in don't peep, don't grope strangers, that kind of thing.

<.<

deadeyexx
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04 Apr 2011, 1:17 pm

ikorack wrote:

You said ignore don't advice, as in don't peep, don't grope strangers, that kind of thing.

<.<

Hopefully you got thru that kind of trial & error as a small child. But basically the same idea.

Learing is all about making mistakes. Mistakes are errors you don't know about yet. They're not behavior you know is wrong you do out of frustration or to punch holes in a well-meaning idea. You make mistakes, learn, then make more advanced ones to progress.

If you made it to adulthood, I'll bet you have the minimum social ability to keep out of jail or mental institutions.

01001011
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05 Apr 2011, 6:11 am

deadeyexx wrote:

ikorack wrote:

You said ignore don't advice, as in don't peep, don't grope strangers, that kind of thing.

<.<

Do you know what you are babbling? That is just contradictory.
Offenses like sexual harassment depends on the perception of the other party.
I know I should not talk to random strangers. I managed not get into jail by doing nothing. What trial and error are you talking about?

Aspie_Chav
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05 Apr 2011, 8:10 am

deadeyexx wrote:

Well, there is one "DON'T". DON'T listen to guilt trips. All to often you'll recieve backlash for your efforts and be told how intrusive you are. You may get on people's nerves and have to leave, but don't believe for a second what you're doing is wrong on a fundamental level.

Yes, many NTs will make you feel that they have someone made more of an effert then you, socially. Strange how this effert doesn't require any studying, preperation, time or any real effert.

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