With the wrong person?

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Ok, to be honest, this enabling behavior from you is starting to piss me off. No, he's not a good person and, yes, it's his fault he's an a**hole. Stop excusing his crappy behavior towards you. He's not mentally ret*d.

You don't deserve sh*t like him. Grow some balls and act accordingly, woman.

Cheers.

I appreciate your frustration, but frankly it's just not that easy for a lot of people. You're probably imagining that we'll be here forever egging the OP on, and she'll never take the plunge. But if so, it's going to hurt her a lot more than it hurts us.

I'm facing something quite similar myself, with a wife who has no understanding of the damage that abandonment can do to a relationship. The only difference between melissamouse and me is that I've kept my problem more to myself, and frankly I wish I could open up about it like she did, and ask for support from my friends and online buddies. Grow a heart, man.

For the record, I've said a similar thing to my mother (concerning my father) so many times. I just don't like it when psychologically messed up people continue to control/manipulate people like you and her because none of you is willing to stand up and face their manipulative actions head on. I do have a heart, and I do encourage both you and her to keep posting and talk about your problems here. But don't let replies posted by people trying to help be neglected. If you want your problems to be solved, then pay attention to the replies and don't just ignore them and repeat the same things again and again.

It is not ok to continue to be abused by your spouse/partner/whatever for the sake of "love" and 'tolerance". Do something about it. Ask for help. And don't neglect it when you ask for one.

That's all.

I guess it's up to melissamouse to decide on the quality of your comment. Let's just say I think you took a risk wading in like that with your tough love, and that if I'd started a thread about my relationship problem, and you'd said what you did to me, it would have been counterproductive. No offense.

Good point. I'll leave this thread.

If you're literally afraid of him exploding when you tell him to leave, then prepare. Talk to his family - tell them that he has to leave and you want the transition to be as peaceful as possible - for everyone's sake - including your son's. Arrange for them to be there, to pack up his things, and take him home. (If they could do that while he's at work, that would be even better - significantly less drama.) Have your friends around for your own support as well. You've said that he treats you well in front of others, so have others around to lessen the likelihood that he'll go off. Talk to your landlord about changing the locks (you'll have to pay - but it will probably give you peace of mind). Prepare, get your friends/his family to help, write him a letter to explain the situation and why you've done what you have, and then move forward. Good luck, hon.

You can't receive what you don't ask for, @ToughDiamond. I can't guarantee you'll get what you'd like in exactly the way you'd like to hear it, but there are people here who are willing to be supportive.

Thanks, you're right. But it's weird....I told a real-life friend last night, and for some reason my feelings have been all over the place since I did that...I knew I was going to have a hard time divulging it, but although it wasn't badly received, I could hardly believe the pressure inside me to keep quiet, and ever since then I've felt like crying my eyes out, and I keep wishing I'd never said anything, and I don't know why. It's as if something inside me cannot believe anybody out there would want to help, even though I know intellectually that they sometimes do. And sharing it has somehow made it real, and I feel the weight of the tough decision I'm going to have to make.

I think your reaction is completely understandable. Dealing with a dysfunctional relationship over an extended period of time will cause a person to develop some very dysfunctional behaviors in order to cope. Denial/lying/presenting a false front is one of those core dysfunctional behaviors: acting as though everything is fine in your relationship when it's far from it is a good example.

So you've quite likely developed a set of dysfunctional behaviors in order to cope, and you've integrated those behaviors into your routine. When you think about the importance of routine in the life of an Aspie, it's easier to understand the pressure you felt to keep quiet - perhaps to keep the denial that's become an integral part of your life as part of your routine?

Continuing with an examination of the role that routine plays....over the years, I'm sure you've developed an image of yourself that's highly influenced by your relationship. So if your wife has ingrained the idea that you're the screw-up, the loser, the inadequate husband, the lousy lay, [fill in negative image here] - you may not like the way your wife has defined you - but that definition has also become part of your "routine." Even your defined role as "husband" is in play at this point. Again - redefining one's identity is a big challenge for anyone, but because that challenge also represents a huge change in your routine....some people would prefer to stay within the comfort of their routine, e.g., dysfunctional relationship, dysfunctional behaviors, etc., rather than face the task of such a daunting change.

I think if you feel like crying your eyes out, you should go ahead and do it. This is a very stressful experience, and Aspies deal with stress differently than NTs. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and try to stay aware of how this process is making you feel. Keep a journal, or talk to a friend, or meditate, or just let yourself feel. It's a big change, part of an even bigger process. But you can try to keep yourself focused on the possibilities waiting for you on the other side - and ask for support when you need it. Hang in there.

I hope the OP does the right thing overall...

This thread can be useful for others in the future...as I have had relationships where I feel they go nowhere and I normally just ignore the people O am with when something doesn't feel right about it....they don't seem to care for the most part...although my last one over 3 years ago cried about it....it was hard for her (and me since I asked her out), but we're still friends.

Although this thread is more serious and I am guessing this is pretty common with many people in a long term relationship, so this would be best stickied if the OP ends up with a positive result and show people how difficult relationships CAN be resolved.

Thanks for this. I don't really deny the situation, I just haven't discussed it before unless somebody's asked a question and forced me to choose between lying and telling the truth, or rather like in this thread, it may come out as an aside comment. There's something about coming out with it de novo that sends my emotions into overdrive. Can you explain that?

Definitely the relationship has chipped away at my self-confidence. When I first wondered what I was going to say to people, I felt that they'd all just think "he's obviously not fit to live with." And that's really the message I got from her - how can I feel desirable when my SO wants us to spend 99% of our time apart? It might not have been half so bad if she'd told me straight why she left - all I got was stuff about her problems getting enough work in my city and her desire to be closer to her grown-up kids. So all the things I feel I got wrong make me feel paranoid about my fitness for relationships, because I have no idea which ones were important and which weren't.

I guess what's going at last is my guilt at looking forward to being free again. Break-ups terrify me, probably because my parents used to terrify me by threatening to split up - they were a right right pair of drama queens. It's not being alone so much as the act of separation, I think.

I couldn't really let myself cry yesterday because I was at work and there's no privacy, and I don't feel like I'm among friends here. By the time I got home the feeling had gone.

Anyway, I will indeed hang on in there. I told her some time back that 2 years of separation is grounds for divorce and that's what I'd be filing for. It seemed to go in one ear and out of the other....some weeks later I was explaining my financial plans to her, and she said she didn't like they way she didn't figure in it....next thing she'd made some vague statement about maybe coming back to me one day. It sounds awfully like a "keep him hanging on" game doesn't it?

Apologies to the melissamouse for this mini-hijack - hope you feel that it's at least partly relevent to your problems.......i.e. screwing up the courage to boot out the offending partner.

I like the hi-jacks... makes me feel like I am not alone in some unique situation, like I am not some failure, and maybe it IS them, and not us....

Mine has done a complete U turn.... acting even BETTER than in the begining since I told him to leave and find someone who is a better match etc, paid me back every dime he borrowed and is paying for me now instead (since he is back to work now).... if this lasts, and I can keep standing up for myself, explosion free.... then maybe some progress is being made.

Either way, I have everything in order to fly solo again, if the road the U turn made gets abndoned again..... pretty much EVER again.... maybe he read this thread or something, went through my browsing history, who knows.... but something definatly seemed to click in his head...

and to the tough love guy... well said, I would, and have said the same to many a friend.

I guess I started this thread because I want to know what it is that I might have been doing to contribute to his behavior... putting up with it was one wrong turn.

Well, I suppose bringing up the subject yourself adds it's own level of stress....how to broach the subject, the timing of the conversation, being nervous about "forcing" the information on the listener (although I don't think "forcing" is really the right word - friends share the intimate details of their lives with each other, but it's not necessarily a happy topic). I also think that deliberately bringing the subject up with a friend makes the situation with your marriage even more real to you. Clearly, you've avoided the idea of divorce, even after two years of separation. Admitting that divorce is likely on your horizon has got to be an emotionally wrenching disclosure.


I have to be frank with you - there are ways to end a relationship like a mature adult, and then there are ways to end a relationship like a total jerk. Based on the details you've shared here, I'd put your wife into the total jerk category. Mature adults will give a marriage the level of respect required to discuss the reason for ending the relationship (hopefully after an attempt to repair the relationship has been made), and then will actually end the relationship. Your wife just moved away - no respect, no closure, no decision, for God's sake. Her behavior is inexcusable.

Honestly, I think how people react to a divorce really depends on their relationship with you. If they're your friends, they'll be supportive. If they're not your friends....why do you care how they react?


Yes, it's clearly a "keep him hanging on" game, @ToughDiamond. I'm sorry hon, but she's made her decision - she's gone. And although it's a terribly difficult experience, you're lucky to be rid of her now. She's someone you can't count on - better you deal with that now than when you're ill, or broke, or in any situation where you really need someone who is actually willing to keep the marriage vows she made. I suspect that when you finally re-take control of your life, you'll be able to start moving forward and looking ahead to the possibility of a healthy, happy relationship with a nice woman.

Of course you're not alone, OP....and it seems that your bf clearly has a lot to make up for. Look, I think he needs to deal with his addiction to weed, and I think you need to stick to your guns if your relationship starts to turn again. Good luck, hon.

I think that, by asking me outright, my friend gave me permission to share the problem. So it was impossible for me to feel that it would fall on deaf or hostile ears. It didn't feel forced, and I was able to talk calmly and fluently about it. I'm like a lot of Aspies, I don't often proactively tackle people or challenge them, I don't ask for help, I just sit there and try to solve it all myself. I usually do a pretty good job, but there are better ways. It's just not that easy to use them. I've seen stuff about including Aspie students in the workplace, and they say the staff have to be proactive about asking the Aspie if everything's OK, because if they just wait for them to come and ask, it won't happen.


She's an Aspie, or at least has some strong Aspie traits. She scored as having some AS and some NT traits on the Aspie-quiz.....I suspect she was overrating her social skills though. Ironically, she's the one who first suggested I'd got AS, and I was quite proud of myself for not being a jerk and going into denial like so many of us do....I was skeptical but I followed it up with an open mind, and ended up with a diagnosis. It's saved me from a lot of stress at work now that they have to reckon with my condition. I owe her a lot for nailing that for me. If I didn't think she was an Aspie, she'd be out on her ear already for blatant disregard of my feelings. Not that it makes her behaviour any less harmful. Just that I feel such a hypocrite, condemning somebody for Aspie traits. But I don't see it as a case of who's a jerk and who isn't. I see it more as an incompatibility issue. She does love me in her own weird way, and at times seems quite scared of losing me completely. And I still care about her a lot, I just don't see any future in it since she left. We've been partners for well over 10 years, so it's quite a big step.


I think deepdown I find it hard to feel that I have any friends, though I know intellectually that I probably do....it's probably the "glass wall" effect, not feeling connected. Also it's important to be careful, and not to overload somebody who has no experience of breakups.....the emotional charge of my problem is quite a weight to bear, and I don't want to go and open the floodgates with the wrong person.


She hasn't quite gone......we still talk on the phone every night, and she visits every month or two for a weekend. I don't normally visit her.....it feels as if that would be embracing her desertion, and when I have tried to swallow my pride and visit her, I've felt resentful and hostile...I've kept it in, but she senses my anger and reacts badly to it. I can count on her for a lot of things...she never lets me down if we've arranged to do a thing together, she's only a phone call away if I need to talk to her, though I haven't needed that particular service. It's quite possible that one of the reasons she left is that she doesn't feel needed, but I'll never know for sure.......one of her greatest shortcomings is that she just doesn't have the mental apparatus to talk straight about her feelings. Neither did I, once, but I found out how important it was and these days I can do that, to some extent.

I'm sure I must have made a lot of mistakes with her myself, and it's really frustrating that she can't explain why she voted with her feet. It leaves me with a feeling that I'd just be going from one hell into another if I were to start over with somebody else. She can diagnose my autism but she can't diagnose my matrimonial shortcomings.......all I can imagine is that they're something to do with all those things she tried to barrack me into doing, that I wouldn't do because I don't give way to yelling and force. Apparently she had a very harsh mother....but she won't hear parents criticised (I think it's a Ten Commandments thing with her), so she can't focus on how her upbringing has damanged her, or how mine has damaged me.

She's made a lot of progress, it seems, since she left. She doesn't put pressure on me so much, and she's stopped yelling at me. But I don't know if she'd revert to type if she came back. I've seen some folks acting like saints around partners that they're scared of losing. Mostly, we barely relate to each other at all, and I can't remember a time when we ever did. If she got wind of how much better I relate to other women, she'd quite likely to be scared into coming back, which I think would be a very bad reason to return.

I'm glad you like the hijacks.....it certainly feels like a great help to me, so thanks for the permission.

It's great to know you've negotiated a better deal with your bf. I think we've both been guilty of handing out too much tolerance to partners.

I guess I owe the tough love guy an apology.......looks like he was right. I guess I just projected my own fears of opening up and getting told to get a grip or whatever. If I'm ever going to be healed, it's not likely to be that way.