Stereotypes in L&D forum.

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+ good social skills.

i've been quite successful at initiating relationships of a sort, mostly because i like sex and i am not shy about it at all (it is less common for a female to be that way, so it is a bit of a novelty). interestingly, i've found that men who would not give me the time of day for an LTR are more attracted if the possibilities involved only sex or FWB with me. intellectually i can understand this, because i have always been a train wreck, essentially. train wrecks are entertaining and eyecatching, but not at all fun to be involved with.

i am not even sure what would constitute success in terms of maintaining relationships to be honest.


not sure. i got confused by the options. i think men and women have a different set of problems, regardless of whether they are NT or aspie. i kind of wish we could focus on helping each other instead of getting bitter at each other. i understand that it's hard to understand differing perspectives due to mindblindness, but i think that if we try, then we will be able to improve communicate with the opposite sex and build stronger relationships.


i think that if we allow ourselves to get angry/suspicious/bitter with an entire gender because we think they have something so easy (or that they are to blame for our lack of success), then the possiblity of positive results occurring in our love lives is reduced substantially. we can smell desperation and bitterness on each other, and it is not attractive.

i have been fairly successful, but of course i have been rejected quite a lot. i am usually the aggressor in initiating a new relationship or new encounter, so it also means that i have gotten turned down often, because i am putting myself "out there" and i can't tell if a person is interested or not until they verbalize it.

one thing that helped me to keep from getting angry at men in general was to understand that not all men are to blame for those specific rejections. instead of looking for external reasons, i switched to looking for internal reasons. for example, i once went through a period of trying to date men who were seriously into sports and party culture. obviously, this was not a good fit for me, and there was no reason for guys like that to have been attracted to someone like me. so i inspected my motivations and made adjustments to who i was approaching.


as above, i think that demonizing an entire gender for our own problems is a recipe for diaster, essentially.

Everybody gets to be choosy, men and women alike. But men call women's choosiness "discrimination" while calling their own choosiness "I can't help who I'm attracted to".

Choosiness isn't discrimination. It's just preferences.

Terrible, but I think my lack of relationship success stems from a mixed bundle of factors, none of which have anything to do with this thread.



I think there's elements of truth to each, but the complete pictures are far more complex than a few lines can do justice to.



Are you asking me if not believing in any of these three ideas has made me successful at dating? If so, no, not so far.



No



It's very hard to pinpoint exactly what experiences give rise to which beliefs. So I won't. It hurts my brain.

You've got a sexy beard Moog.

Why thank you. The real Moog's beard isn't quite as neatly rendered, I can assure you.

What would your definition of "interesting" be?

Sounds like it needs the touch of a woman to groom it for you.

Let me try to explain it to you line by line.

That's not exactly a social situation, I used to love those for that.

So what's your name?

Whhaatt!! !??

WHAT'S YOUR NAME??

WHHAATT?

Mine is this: Think. Show an interest in things. I mean the world, mostly. I've met many people who seem completely disconnected. Anytime you ask them something or try to start a conversation, it's "Mmmh...", "I don't know" or "I don't care". I once told my boyfriend something about my family and he replied "I don't care!". I guess he thought I was apologizing or explaining something, but it still wasn't very clever

As someone with some romantic experience, a healthy amount of realism without an ounce of bitterness, I can say that relationships are about the individual and there's no stereotype that can accurate reflect what two people, when committed to each other, can build for themselves. That reality won't be changed by the claims that are repeatedly made on this forum. Sadly, I think all such post is liable to do is allow somebody take it personally and end up all upset. I haven't read the comments but I'm willing to bet that 3 pages in, it's already happened. I hope this post serves to debunk all the stereotypes that do repeat on here; but that may be a lot to hope for.

I think responses have been really good so far, they've given me a lot to think about.



I think I just about died when I saw that.



I wouldn't be so narrow sighted as to say all our relationship problems could be magically resolved simply by letting go of stereotypes. I'm wondering if it could be an exacerbating factor. You and another person have said though that not believing in stereotypes hasn't helped you with dating... do you think though if you did believe in the stereotypes you would be worse off than you are now? Or are the other factors so overriding you've have gotten nowhere anyway in either context with not a lot of difference?



This is an interesting comment you make because I've also found the more obsessed I get with arbitrary rules about how a relationship should supposedly work, or how a relationship should be entered into, the less successful I am. I didn't really consider "rules" also in this topic, but I'm thinking now I should have, because mentally speaking I think it could fall under the same category as stereotypes.

When I first left school and went to college I was quickly single (my first and only relationship so far had lasted 7 months and ended after he moved interstate). Everyone around me was partying, and experimenting, and learning about human relationships and sexuality in a natural way, but I refused to participate. I thought the concept of even kissing someone I wasn't in a confirmed relationship with was abhorrent because it was "against the rules". I was like this for months and months until a friend sat me down and talked me about it, and told me it was ok to experiment - to try spending time with different guys, kiss guys, and it didn't have to be super serious. It was only when I let go of this rigid rule in my head I was able to branch out a bit and learn more about the opposite gender, and about dating. More recently I've got stuck in my head this rigid idea that it's only worth entering a relationship with someone in the first place if I'm certain I could happily spend the rest of my life with them, otherwise it's a waste of time. I know that this is unrealistic, and not how relationships are supposed to start (it's supposed to start low pressure and casual, then only get serious and consider the future over time), so I'm trying to ease up on this and open my mind to trying things out more.

The biggest problem is that I know the minute I am able to let go of one of these "rules", another will spring up in my mind to take it's place. To me I think it's like some sort of coping mechanism or way of taking control or making sense of a situation my brain is not naturally equipped to handle. I wonder if anyone else can relate to feeling this way?

Yes probably. Stereotyping seems to be a manifestation of black and white thinking, which I learned to abandon a long time ago. Many people like to cling to a rule set that then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Yes, you might be right there. Do you know any, nice horsey?