well, it's official

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Wow, that girl sounds really mean. That "how old are you again?" comment seems like it comes from a place of contempt. What makes you think she likes you?

Being 40 years old and living with a dad and not having a car sounds bad, but You are in a rough spot and face huge challenges most men do not face, so you should not be judged by the same standards. I won't say it's easy, but you should try to find a girl who'll be more sympathetic to your situation.

Yeah, I kinda have similar misgivings about that woman when she said that. I didn't bring it up in my first reply, because I didn't want to assume that you don't have plenty of great conversations with her. If she starts making herself scarce, you might just have to find someone who's okay with your situation. But just letting someone go is easier said than done. Plus, this might be the motivator you need to become more independent. So....

When I met my husband, he was living in his parents' garage (it's fully furnished and like a small studio apartment, but, still a garage). He'd just gotten done paying for a divorce and was saving up for his own place while paying child support. He'd been dumped a few months before I met him because his ex-girlfriend saw him as a dependent sponge. I was friends with him first so I took the time to understand his situation and saw the ambitious and independent man that he is, so I overlooked the unacceptable parts of his life in favor of the potential. I can't blame a woman for not doing what I did. She has to think about her security and her future. Not everyone feels like they have the time to "rebuild a man" (I don't know how else to describe what I'm trying to say). They question why someone doesn't have their act together.

Frieslander's friend has valid concerns and it's reasonable skepticism to point out his age when he discusses a situation that a teenager should be in. The bright side about this is that if she didn't see him as a viable romantic option for the future, she would not have cared to have said anything at all. I don't presume to know her motivations or her feelings but I wouldn't write her off as a bad person based on what she's said to him about his situation. I would prefer that Frieslander meet someone who accepts him 100% for who he is and helps him to regain his independence and self-sufficiency; but, in case anyone hasn't noticed, he's pretty fond of the woman he's talking about and I feel safe in assuming that he's not going to consider moving on from her any time soon, at least not unless she makes it clear she's not interested (which she has not done). He didn't bite when I called her an inspiration so I know he still wants her in his life for the long term.

And there's nothing characteristically wrong with a man wanting to be a better man so he feels deserving of a specific woman.

Changing the Goal Post?

I never said being self-sufficient is easy.
I'm not self-sufficient.
And for that reason, I'd think it totally within their rights if my parents cut my internet, only bought foods THEY liked, and restricted my cable so the only channel I could watch were only-morning kids shows between 7 and 10 AM.

Last edited by ValentineWiggin on 17 May 2011, 10:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

When I first dated the fantastic man I later became engaged to, he had no car, very little money, was living with his emotionally-abusive father, and was the stereotype of a poor college student.

He was also charismatic, had a truly inspirational work ethic being utilized working at an airport and saving every penny to move out, had applied for college, and was horrendously intelligent. (And Aspie!)

I don't particularly blame anyone, male or female, for not dating someone who is not at least working toward becoming self-sufficient.
And it's not some shallow obsession with "material things"- it's the knowledge that this person will never be able to come over unless YOU go and get him or her, and also drive him or her back, that any dates you go on will be paid for totally by you and that you may very well not ever have the money from only one income which is required to combine two lives and survive together as a couple in the first place. That's not shallow- that's being desirous of a reciprocal relationship.

Yeah. I'm real big on saying what I mean without hurting feelings.


"How old are you again?"

could just as easily have been

"It does bother me a lot that we're not on the same page as far as independence goes..what steps are you taking toward that so that our relationship might be more financially-likely to succeed?

It's not mean to not want to date someone or find them attractive. The exchange there just sounds kind of like: "Is it a sticking point that I'm fat?" "Yes, and you have ugly teeth too... what are you, a horse?"... that's not necessary...

You're reading a lot of tone and intention into a discussion that wasn't even yours with someone you've had zero contact.

As someone(cant remember/dont feel like rereading this thread) pointed out if she wasnt interested/didnt find him attractive she would have just stopped the communication with him but the fact that she is trying to talk to him/make him a more reliable person means that she cares a lot about him.


For example when I was in 5th grade everybody in my class hated me. I was considered to be a teacher´s pet(even though most of my class mates spent way more time trying to please the teachers than me) and I was left alone most of the time.

Every now and then someone approached me(usually because they needed help with a subject) and whenever I had nothing better to do I helped them out.

One of this people I frequently helped out had a tendency of pointing out every flaw I had whenever she could. The first time this happened(something about me talking non stop about a subject,I think) I got in contact with one of my few friends at the time and he said well she has a point.

So just to see if they were right I made a mental note to try to avoid monopolizing a conversation and even though there wasnt any improvement things stopped getting worse so I kept doing it.

She kept asking for help for several years(I was one of the few that didnt find her tendency to point out flaws irritating) and I improved a lot thanks to her constant need to complain/begun a tendency of pointing out her flaws whenever she went too far.


One day a teacher asked us why we kept doing most of the work together if we were discussing most of the time(I got mad at her whenever she took things to far/she got mad at me whenever I took things too far)and after sometime thinking I realized how her behaviour had helped improving my social life and she said that by working with me she had been able to understand several things that she was unable comprehend during classes.

Eventually we got mad at each other and she asked me not to contact her again, on the past this would have meant going back to working on my own at that time it meant being approached by a class mate that needed some help because he was impressed with my "friend"´s improvement about 20 minutes after she said that(she had the tact of saying it in a school trip and the other guy saw me alone and approached me).


Honestly I highly doubt most of my actual friendships would have been made if she hadnt worked so hard on improving some aspects of me.

Here is a document that tells what a guardianship is all about. I don't think I need a full guardianship anymore. I wish my dad would take it seriously. EVery time I talk about it, he gets the tone of voice that he doesn't want to talk about it.


[img][800:745]http://i1128.photobucket.com/albums/m499/frieslander2/guardianship.jpg[/img]

Stress to him that it's important to you to get this done and, if you have to, you'll get an attorney's assistance if he won't cooperate; but, you're not willing to wait forever for him to be in the mood to deal with it. If anything were to happen to him tomorrow, who knows what would happen to you. It's better to deal with it and be done with it. Good luck, man.

I can work but am not yet. I don't drive because I am not the best at it. I can walk alone in the street without getting lost or killed.

BTW, I sit and type from home right now. I got a laptop fixed, and have free WiFi from the neighbors

I can work but am not yet. I don't drive because I am not the best at it. I can walk alone in the street without getting lost or killed.

BTW, I sit and type from home right now. I got a laptop fixed, and have free WiFi from the neighbors

It's actually comments like this that make me my confidence drop.

Also, maybe I shouldn't use the words "think" or "believe". But even judges give "legal opinions", don't they? Honestly, I've had this computer at home for a few days, and I only looked at porn a couple times.

Having a computer at home has actually made me less anxious - and I think has made for less of a tendency to look at that stuff.

you need to convince yourself that you are ready before you try to convince other people like a judge or your father. i was picking up on a lack of certainty in your wording, and if i can cause you to wobble then it will be fairly easy for your father or a judge to tip you over.

i have no opinion about it at all, so don't take my comments to mean that i think anything one way or the other - i am not in your shoes or your life or your head. you might be absolutely ready to take this step, but only you (and professionals that support you) can really say for sure.

nobody on this forum really knows what is going on with your life and situation, and we are hardly qualified to say what is best for you. we can throw encouragement towards you, but since you are not certain yourself, then how certain can *we* be that it is the right thing for you?

if you went to a bank and said to a loan officer, "i think i might be ready to down a job and pay off a line of credit if you advance it to me. i believe i may be able to keep my expenses lower than i used to"... well, that money is not going to happen.

the decision really lies in your hands, and you need to be really certain before you start taking action. i think that, if you cannot find that certainty inside yourself, then you can get bolstered up by the professionals in your life. if you want people here to tell you that you are ready for something this big, even though they don't really know you, i am sure they will oblige... but that won't help you to make the best informed decision.

I can't live indepedently either because my health condition is not well at all. I can barely wake up in the morning without feeling sick and vomiting. I can't drive a car to work either because I have car sickness (you know having to vomit while inside a closed car) and other eye problems (watery eyes).

If my father did not support me with his income then I'll be completely destitute, starving in the street in Israel and probably be beaten to death by gangs and by other people who like to abuse the homeless.

I also have an intense fear of pain or of getting injured. This fear is exacerbated when I'm constantly being reminded that I need to drive a car. I am always afraid I'm gonna have to vomit while I'm driving which will result in an accident and me getting seriously injured.

Last edited by LikeGreenAndBlue on 22 May 2011, 12:08 pm, edited 3 times in total.