Is this guy Aspie or just deliberately being nasty?

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It is one thing though, to have trouble empathizing and another to make totally unpleasant and crude comments about such a thing, and this man is always saying about how bad the world has become with murders, rapes and mothers killing their babies everywhere, which is what makes it even stranger he should not be able to at least respond neutrally to someone's past abuse experience. You, I imagine, at least seem to me to have a certain self awareness and a willingness to try and work on such things. And yes, I believe he also cannot emotionally understand the closeness people can feel towards their spouses, but intellectually, he does...he often speaks of couples who remain together for life, and has observed how his mother went 'funny' after his father died. (there were married for 60 years). I am not actually 'normal' myself, I am on the spectrum, but for some reason, females often seem to fare better in terms of 'learning' certain social rules. I also tend to be worse in areas where he is better in, I cannot deal with crowds and speaking to strangers or having strangers come up to me, whereas he is fine with those things. I struggle to put myself in others' shoes but I do try.

I'm sorry, but the most charitable explanation of his behavior i can think of right now is that he's a sadist, or possibly a masochist who's hoping that you will finally have enough, and retaliate.

The caveat "don't take anything I say seriously" seems to be to be the groundwork which allows him to keep hurting you, because after all, you have been warned.

The bad thing is, you two have already established a pattern of seeing each other and this will make breaking things off with him very difficult for you, I think. Nevertheless, you should do it now before you get even more attached.

Even if in his own twisted way he is fond of you, the relationship is unhealthy.

Graelwyn: Like I said to you in our short PM exchange: this guy is a destructive influence on you and I don't say this likely as I submit that you're not the sort of woman who would just throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble like most would. Dump him. Then perhaps find out why you're attracted to those types of people in the first place?

I didn't catch this because I haven't read the whole thread to be fair…

…but I'll say this plainly and simply: this man doesn't sound anything like the sort of person you should want to be with, full stop. Men like this are dangerous.

If you stay with him, he'll probably start abusing you in other ways apart from just emotionally too. They usually do.

Think of his treatment of you as his little Mein Kampf, if you like.

uck. just got out of an abusive marriage to a man who had formerly been on his own 20 yrs. he did so many nice things for me and had such a nice, wonderful side. the times we shared were so wonderful... and so not worth the abuse that followed.

GET OUT!

Even a hint of abuse needs to be taken seriously and fled from, promptly.

This guy is not in the relationship because he enjoys abusing you. Yes he might have AS,yes he has suffered abuse (as a result or cause of what ever social disorder he has) and he has learned some very abusive habits which he uses to FISH for compliments.

The example of "I will cook for you" and your response "I don't mind if you do or don't" and then his response "well I hope you starve to death" is not because he wants you to starve to death. It is both a combination of trying to make you change your mind and telling you it doesn't matter to him that you have hurt his feelings by rejecting his offer of service and provision.

He sees your relationship as more than friends but says that "more" is rubbish and a fantasy because he is trying to convince himself of that to keep from getting hurt. So the first thing you need to do is make him be honest and say "let's date or go our separate ways" which will make him call a spade a spade and stop the internal struggle of trying to know where he stands with you.

Second of all, you need to address the insults. Establish before hand that he is insulting and you are going to leave his company when ever he is insulting. When ever he insults you, make him take you home and before you leave clearly say "you insulted me (and or tried to manipulate me) by saying..." (this includes his abusive fishing for complements).

In life we are nice to people because we want to be treated that way. In his life he has experienced that even if people are "nice" on the outside they will be abusive if given the chance. He has probably never felt loved and uses the insults as a defense mechanism.

He will be a lot of work, and you might not even get passed step 1 (because you are only a temporary distraction for him and he doesn't really care about you). If he's not willing to stop making you feel insulted you have to stop contact with him. It is not up to you to "harden up and stop taking things so seriously".

If you really think he's worth saving, I hope you succeed.