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Friend wants to fix me up with a guy...

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Erisad
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04 Jul 2011, 8:33 pm

AsteroidNap wrote:
Erisad wrote:
AsteroidNap wrote:
I think HopeGrows has good advice. Perhaps one tactic to try in the way of getting your mother used to the idea of you dating would be to invite him to your place for a family meal? I know that is far from ideal but we're looking for a way to deal with the reality of the situation.

Does he know you have AS? If so, you could explain to him during the invitation that your mother is a bit concerned/overprotective because of your AS.

I'm just brainstorming here.


Um...isn't it considered poor taste to have someone meet your parents on the first date?

I don't know what my friend told him. He hasn't contacted me for the past few days so he already gave up. He lives 2 hours away so even if we do hit it off, I'd rarely be able to see him anyway. :/


It might be considered poor taste under 'normal' circumstances. But let's face it, we Aspies aren't normal -- I'm not ashamed of that (anymore). If he's going to be interested in the long term, then perhaps its best he learns from the start that the 'normal' rules don't apply to us -- as much as we'd like them to.

And btw I 'dated' a girl who was 18 and had a two year old son. Our first date was in fact meeting her father who trusted no guys after his daughter got pregnant at 16. So he insisted on meeting all her dates. Oddly enough, he and I got along splendidly, and I wasn't put off at all by this requirement. Unfortunately for me, she only wanted me to babysit for her two year old son while she ran 'errands' with her real boyfriend, haha. Oh, yeah, an Aspie played hard -- I laugh at that relationship now. In fact, I laugh at a lot ways in which I interpret the world differently than NTs.

Also, I think you should have confidence that this WON'T be the last guy interested in you. In my opinion, the goal you should focus on is that which HopeGrows suggested: Getting your Mom used to the idea of you dating.


*sigh* I think this is impossible. I just hope I don't hit menopause or get even fatter and uglier before I move out on my own. >.<



HopeGrows
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04 Jul 2011, 8:39 pm

Erisad wrote:
I tried arranging a non-threatening meeting already. It fell through. So much work to have it not happen. I lied to my mom saying I was going to be at my friend's house and there wasn't going to be any boys there (she asked) and arranged for my friend to take me there when the guy was going to be there and stuff and everything didn't work out. It was going to work too. I would try it again but she would get suspicious knowing that I'm using the exact same story of "hanging out at my friend's house." >.<


Look, I wasn't suggesting that you lie to your mother. I was suggesting that you acknowledge her concerns by addressing them proactively. That will demonstrate to her that you're able to ensure your own safety - and give her one less thing to object to.


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Erisad
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04 Jul 2011, 8:46 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
Erisad wrote:
I tried arranging a non-threatening meeting already. It fell through. So much work to have it not happen. I lied to my mom saying I was going to be at my friend's house and there wasn't going to be any boys there (she asked) and arranged for my friend to take me there when the guy was going to be there and stuff and everything didn't work out. It was going to work too. I would try it again but she would get suspicious knowing that I'm using the exact same story of "hanging out at my friend's house." >.<


Look, I wasn't suggesting that you lie to your mother. I was suggesting that you acknowledge her concerns by addressing them proactively. That will demonstrate to her that you're able to ensure your own safety - and give her one less thing to object to.


Lying seems to be the only way that works. When I tell her the truth, she gets mad at me. Hell, she doesn't know that I'm not a virgin anymore. If I told her that, I would get kicked out for sure and I wouldn't have any means to provide for myself. >.<

What if her concerns are complete BS? Just because she made some stupid decisions in her youth doesn't mean that I will make the same ones. D:



AsteroidNap
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04 Jul 2011, 9:04 pm

Erisad wrote:
HopeGrows wrote:
Erisad wrote:
I tried arranging a non-threatening meeting already. It fell through. So much work to have it not happen. I lied to my mom saying I was going to be at my friend's house and there wasn't going to be any boys there (she asked) and arranged for my friend to take me there when the guy was going to be there and stuff and everything didn't work out. It was going to work too. I would try it again but she would get suspicious knowing that I'm using the exact same story of "hanging out at my friend's house." >.<


Look, I wasn't suggesting that you lie to your mother. I was suggesting that you acknowledge her concerns by addressing them proactively. That will demonstrate to her that you're able to ensure your own safety - and give her one less thing to object to.


Lying seems to be the only way that works. When I tell her the truth, she gets mad at me. Hell, she doesn't know that I'm not a virgin anymore. If I told her that, I would get kicked out for sure and I wouldn't have any means to provide for myself. >.<

What if her concerns are complete BS? Just because she made some stupid decisions in her youth doesn't mean that I will make the same ones. D:


That sounds like exactly what you need to tell her, not us (though I think we're all glad to be here for support). And indeed, you likely won't make the same stupid decisions, you will make your own stupid decisions ;) We've all made stupid decisions, believe me, many of which I regret to this day. But that's life, and those decisions are yours to make.



Erisad
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04 Jul 2011, 9:17 pm

AsteroidNap wrote:
Erisad wrote:
HopeGrows wrote:
Erisad wrote:
I tried arranging a non-threatening meeting already. It fell through. So much work to have it not happen. I lied to my mom saying I was going to be at my friend's house and there wasn't going to be any boys there (she asked) and arranged for my friend to take me there when the guy was going to be there and stuff and everything didn't work out. It was going to work too. I would try it again but she would get suspicious knowing that I'm using the exact same story of "hanging out at my friend's house." >.<


Look, I wasn't suggesting that you lie to your mother. I was suggesting that you acknowledge her concerns by addressing them proactively. That will demonstrate to her that you're able to ensure your own safety - and give her one less thing to object to.


Lying seems to be the only way that works. When I tell her the truth, she gets mad at me. Hell, she doesn't know that I'm not a virgin anymore. If I told her that, I would get kicked out for sure and I wouldn't have any means to provide for myself. >.<

What if her concerns are complete BS? Just because she made some stupid decisions in her youth doesn't mean that I will make the same ones. D:


That sounds like exactly what you need to tell her, not us (though I think we're all glad to be here for support). And indeed, you likely won't make the same stupid decisions, you will make your own stupid decisions ;) We've all made stupid decisions, believe me, many of which I regret to this day. But that's life, and those decisions are yours to make.


*sigh* I guess so. I just don't know when to have this conversation. I feel like I'll be tense until I get to talk to her about it but I can't just spring it on her now. Dammit. >.<



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05 Jul 2011, 12:34 am

Erisad wrote:
pree10shun wrote:
You don't need to tell your mother till it gets serious..


Um...yes I do since I'll actually have to meet him before it gets serious, which means I'll have to leave the house. D:


But the thing is: does she need to know you are going out with someone?.

You could tell her a friend is picking you up and you are going to a mall.

The way back home might be a bit awkward if things dont go well but if your friend is setting you up with him he has to be a nice person and Im sure he wouldnt mind driving you back home.



Erisad
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05 Jul 2011, 9:05 am

spongy wrote:
Erisad wrote:
pree10shun wrote:
You don't need to tell your mother till it gets serious..


Um...yes I do since I'll actually have to meet him before it gets serious, which means I'll have to leave the house. D:


But the thing is: does she need to know you are going out with someone?.

You could tell her a friend is picking you up and you are going to a mall.

The way back home might be a bit awkward if things dont go well but if your friend is setting you up with him he has to be a nice person and Im sure he wouldnt mind driving you back home.


She'd be like, "which friend? Where do you know him? How old is he? Is he a rapist?" Trust me. It's impossible to get her to like the idea of me being with a guy, even as just a friend. :/



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05 Jul 2011, 10:21 am

So pissed at my brother right now. I was going to talk to mom about this today but my brother had to go off and tell her about a bunch of stuff I said about her when I was depressed and ranting a while ago for NO reason whatsoever. Now she's mad at both of us. Dammit! D:



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05 Jul 2011, 12:06 pm

MXH wrote:
Grisha wrote:
Just woman-up and go out with him!

It's just dinner/movie/etc, not a life-defining event...

Just because you live with your mother does not give her the right to treat you like a child, and it's probably up to you to get this point across to her.

i dont think anyonewill say it better than that


No, because the OP would rather whinge, whinge, whinge about being how hard done by she is.

A guy is offering dinner on a plate and a chance to meet someone new. Don't be a cow about it; go see what he has to say.



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05 Jul 2011, 12:30 pm

Erisad wrote:
She'd be like, "which friend? Where do you know him? How old is he? Is he a rapist?" Trust me. It's impossible to get her to like the idea of me being with a guy, even as just a friend. :/


Tell her that an awful lot of rapes are committed by family members - brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, cousins, nieces, nephews, that sort of thing and that, on balance, there is a small risk but that holds true for everything in life.

It all depends on what the guy is asking you to do. Just go over and see what's what. You can always say 'no' anyway.

If you avoid every person you ever meet apart from your mother because you fear that they're rapists you'll have a terribly lonely life - and, furthermore to that, you'll have more of a problem when you do actually come across these people because you won't have the social skills to recognise a bad situation.



Erisad
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05 Jul 2011, 1:07 pm

I'm sorry if my problems annoy you Tequila. I'll try to talk to my mom about it. :(



Tequila
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05 Jul 2011, 1:38 pm

It sounds a lot like you're co-dependent on each other, and this state of affairs isn't helping. You need to remind her that, when you need her help, you'll ask for it. At the moment, to me at least, your relationship seems very skewed and unhealthy.



Erisad
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05 Jul 2011, 2:39 pm

Tequila wrote:
It sounds a lot like you're co-dependent on each other, and this state of affairs isn't helping. You need to remind her that, when you need her help, you'll ask for it. At the moment, to me at least, your relationship seems very skewed and unhealthy.


*sigh* it is but there really isn't anything I can do about it at the moment. I really shouldn't be dating anyone at the moment, as I have too many issues to work through on my own first. The guy says he's okay with getting to know me better online for now and I'll chalk that up as a win I guess. :shrug:



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11 Jul 2011, 10:19 pm

Just an update on this situation. I scheduled a date for next week with the fellow and my mother seems okay with it. Although I told her I was meeting him as a friend, which is true, but I did this because the word "date" would set her off. We plan on getting lunch and watching action movies at my place. We have exchanged lots of texts and we seem to have very similar interests and he admits that I seem to be "his kind of gal." Wheeeeeeee! *floats* ^.^



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11 Jul 2011, 10:55 pm

Good luck. While you are busy with your "undate", can I borrow your friends? I need their help to fix me up with a girl. Any girl. :P



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11 Jul 2011, 11:05 pm

Erisad wrote:
...she'd assault me with a million questions about what he does, what are his parents like and it's very frustrating.


and than you answer:

"i don't really know, mom.... that's why i am going to meet him and have conversations with him! to learn more about him and to find out if he is a nice guy i could be interested in knowing more than just someone who is taking me out to dinner..... so be patient, mom. i'll tell you if there's something interesting to tell about this young man that could be worth knowing for you."

:wink: