Just started to date a guy with Aspergers

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Look, you have to do what you feel comfortable doing. That said, I don't know many relationships that are risk-free. It doesn't matter what the neurological status of the individuals involved is - you're always at risk when your heart is involved.

I will caution you against assuming that the change in this man's effort level is because the "pursuit" phase of the relationship is over. I offered that information as a possible explanation - it doesn't mean that's what's going on.

I also feel the need to caution you about assuming that what this man is giving right now is all that he's capable of giving. Your choices are not between accepting the level of attention he's displaying right now - being "starved of emotion" for the rest of your life - or walking away. Since he's had unsuccessful relationships in the past, it is certainly possible that he doesn't understand what's expected of him. Providing some measure of guidance, leadership, a model of open communication, and patience are some essential behaviors and attributes an NT partner should be prepared to bring to an Aspie/NT relationship. Your Aspie partner has to be willing to grow, to learn about your needs, and to determine if he is willing and able to meet them. Without all of that, I don't believe it's very likely you'll both get your needs met. If you wait for him to "get it" on his own (to behave as an NT man likely would in a relationship), I think you'll be disappointed. He has a disability that makes "getting it" on his own a very difficult task.

Aspie/NT relationships do require more effort, but the rewards can be quite lovely. But really, you have to decide if you're up for making the effort, or not. Again, best of luck.

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OP, listen to HopeGrows.

If you like this guy you need to let him know EXACTLY what you want and need. If he likes you, I bet he will be happy to accommodate.

The best relationships I've ever had have been with strong, assertive women who weren't afraid to let me know what they wanted...

I'm not a child. I'm a man who's socially arrested and completely blind/deaf to meta-communication. I can also be a thoughtful, responsive lover, but I need a bit of encouragement and direction.

PS

If/when things get intense, don't press him too much if he withdraws for a bit. You may want to be together all the time, but he might need some solitude...

OP,

I would also listen to HopeGrows. While well-meaning, any relationship advice I've received from NTs fails -- they believe they understand how the AS mind works, but in reality do not (unless a trained psychologist).

Speaking as an AS male, I will say that as you know cues are really difficult for us to read. You are already doing well by communicating openly. But that also means telling him what you need. If you wait for him to make the first intimate move (like some 1940s romantic film), it might not arrive. Not saying it won't, but you should talk about it. If you like spontaneity, tell him that it's okay for him to kiss you out of the blue.

I will say that I've had several times when women have been very forward with me, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that! Here's a pitfall though...sometimes it is embarrassing for THEM to be so forward. While NT guys can do this in their sleep, it might be quite embarrassing for NT women (not to be too generalizing here). So i would just say try not to be embarrassed.

I guess that Im getting slightly frustrated by this whole thing. On one hand, I am willing to be patient and let it run it's course, but on the other, I have a hard time accepting that he doesn't want to hang out more. He is out alot, hanging out with different people all the time and I wonder, why doesn't he spend that time with me, at least some of it. But the more Im thinking about it, the casual relationships he has with others probably doesnt sap his emotional energy the way his relationship with me does. He doesn't have to put much effort into casual relationships, so its easier to be around that for him.
He actually came right out and told me, like on one of our first dates, that he knows that a woman needs hugs and affection, and she'd be fine, but he has a hard time doing it. He used an example from his previous relationship in in explaining this to me. So,he knows what is required but told me early on that he has problems with this. I guess his backing off can be seen as a need for solitude. Perhaps he has given as much as he is capable for now..
Last time I saw him, I came right out and asked if everything was ok with him, if I should just leave him alone. I told him that I was enjoying spending time with him. He responded by saying that the next time we hang out he needs to tell me all about him. I guess this is my answer. He wouldnt have even responded like that if he didnt care, right? Maybe that conversation alone sapped his energy for a while?
I will just wait for the opportunity to talk to him again,hopefully not three weeks!! but if that is what it is, then so be it. I will do as you say Hope Grows, and tell him what I'd like and see what happens. Try not to be embarrassed by saying these things. The worst thing that can happen is he tells me he wants a friend only, right? That wont be so bad. I just hope that isnt the case is all.
Mountian Laurel..The next time he kisses me Im going to take your advice and kiss him better, I think that you are right, I will know instantly.
Thanks Guys, I will keep you posted!!

I've noticed MountainLaurel complaining about the asymmetry in the work between both sexes with apparently females typically have to do all the "work" and males just slack off, but what kind of work our we talking about? Since when should relationships be 'work'? I think the perspective intrinsic to viewing relationships as something you "work at" as if you're mining in a coal mine is what leads to the 'work' you speak of. Men, on the otherhand, don't view relationships as something laborious but more/less something desired, enjoyed and cherished. Sure, if you're coupled with a termagant of a woman like some mountain women, then it can be work.

gussiegrl.. can u talk bout the things ur worried about with him? could be so many things that cause him to hold off.. guessing is not good... waiting is frustrating and mb he is waiting also.. so silly.. games and challenges i dont like like that.... best to just be upfront and direct talk..

Gussiegirl, I'm also NT and I love an Aspie. We've been friends for a while but the romance aspect of our relationship is still very new, and I could've written most of your posts myself! In fact, while reading everything that you've written about your guy, my mind instantly went to my K. They seem so much alike! Since I'm kinda going down the same road with you, just know that you can PM me at any time. Good luck - I can't wait to read a good update from you.

I didnt read all the posts, but my advice if you want to take it to the nesxt level is this:

dont force it
do push it

One way to handle it is to design and print up a nice little coupon that says "this coupon entitles the bearer to claim one free kiss at any time" and hand it to him at the start of your next date. The beauty of this is that it lets him know you WANT a kiss, it gives him the whole date to think about it, and prepare himself to do it, and it also lets him back out if he's nervous or wants to wait...

ONE THING to remember: If it doesn't work immediuately, DONT take it as a personal insult. He might just really be nervous about it and unpracticed. Remind him on the next date that he can still cash in the coupon at any time.