Anyone ever wonder why

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sure it would be unfair... do you think it's fair that he judges them as skanks right off the bat? perhaps they're picking up on HIS judgement.

Well, if it is a "simple consequence" of the fact that he judges them as skanks, then there is nothing unfair about it. But you DON'T KNOW that it is a "simple consequence"; it can be a co-occurence of two unrelated things. He didn't give you any evidence that there is any relation between these two things. I mean, I was facing a situation of women not talking to me all my life, and this does NOT involve my thinking of them as "skanks". So why do they judge ME before they even start talking to me, if I never judged them and was all open for talking to them?

i don't get your point. if you don't think they can pick up on HIS judgement, then why do you assume that he can tell that they are judging him?

and... your experience may be unique - there is no reason to assume that women are ignoring you for the same reason they are ignoring anyone else... if they are in fact ignoring you. perhaps it is just the women you desire who are not speaking to you.

in fact, how about that woman that you, yourself mentioned on another thread? the one at the weight loss place WHO APPROACHED YOU and started talking to you?

whoa, no one was implying anything like that!? that's not what im saying at all.

your clearly assuming that i meant this "skank" comment as a generalization, you don't understand. I call it as i see it and these women are in fact skanks, Though i would never assume all women are. as an example, the last women i conversed with was (as i found out later) a stripper... I live in a bad town. call me judgmental all you want, but that line of work does say something about the person. My buddies are after one thing only and so are the women they attract for the most part.

I'm tired of being picked apart for being derogatory towards women, consider the circumstances. I'm just sharing MY experience.

Last edited by BillyJoe on 10 Aug 2011, 12:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

so then why do you care if they talk to you? you said they are the only women you ever see, so by definition they are the ones ignoring you. why should it matter if they are all skanks?

There are allot of reasons, i try to advance my social skills any way i can. I am also not the kind to not consider not talking to or never being friends with a person who i think is whore or anything else for that matter. I hang out with all kinds of bad people and i can admit that I'm not the best person either. You try and make me look like that bad guy for calling this as it is, if you were to call me an unsociable hopeless loser alcoholic I would agree because its the truth. these women are loose, and i will be sure to make mention of it because it affects the situation in my opinion.

but you don't respect them so there is no reason for them to respect you. i couldn't care less what you think of these women. it's just that you shouldn't expect them to think any better of you than you think of them.

Your merely assuming i don't respect them. anyone that i don't know gets the same level of respect regardless. I do sometimes assume that I receive much less respect then other guys when they know I'm a virgin, but that's another issue.

I respect any stranger the same, guy or girl if that's what your getting at.

To the OP: social skills are more than just words spoken. Whether you are aware of it or not, you are sending signals even before anything is said.

It has taken much serious work developing my skills. Here are a few tips:

1. When you are on you way to a place where you wish to talk to others, remind yourself of good qualities about you. When you feel better about yourself, you are more confident, and send out good vibes (instead of I'm miserable, don't talk to me.)

2. Practise smiling, perhaps in front of a mirror, or a webcam so you can play it back.

3. Smile to people you meet.

4. Make eye contact for about three seconds (longer time has the risk of being a stare) when you meet people, and each time they say something or you say something to them.

Later you can train yourself more about eye contact and good subjects to talk about etc.

Good luck!

you've called these women skanks, loose women, and whores. that is not respectful.

I'm hesitant to jump into this thread...well, here it goes...

(gross generalization warning) Many women learn early on that if they initiate a conversation, there's a good chance the dude she's talking to will think she's interested in him, when she's only being polite. There used to be a great facebook page that went something like "Just because I talk to you, doesn't mean I'm interested; it just means I'm not rude." haha. When I saw that, I laughed so hard.

Also to the OP. You should be so lucky as to get a 'skank'. It might do you some good. You might realize that she is just a person too, with her own hopes and desires, fears and foibles.

Thats a matter of opinion... why is it disrespectful if it is true? I have a hard time understanding how sugar coating things is considered a sign of respect. I don't expect others to avoid saying bad things about me if they are true.

Should i ignore there lifestyle, just consider all woman the same, tell myself it doesn't matter at all how she acts because its all the same? that's not realistic, all woman are not the same.

I understand the terms i use can be considered mean but i think my point is understood and the language doesn't really matter.

Okay, the way he picks that they judge him is the fact that they don't talk to him. So, if I take your "analogy" argument seriously, then the way they pick that he judges them is also the fact that he doesn't talk to them. Now, in his case, there is no relation between his not talking to them and his judging them. He simply doesn't have small talk skills. So, even if he was of better opinion of them, he STILL won't be talking to them. That is why I am saying it is mere co-occurence of two unrelated things.

Now it is true that some NT-s assume that if aspie doesn't talk to them it means he probably judges them in some way. But this assumption would affect EQUALLY the aspie who actually judges them (such as OP) and the aspie who does NOT judge them but simply have poor conversation skills. Thats why it is unfair towards aspies.

a

The reason I assume that they are ignoring me for the same reason is that

a) Both in my case and in the case of other people it is due to Asperger

b) In my case the main problem is my inability to do small talk. This sounds very similar to what OP describes as well as what the responders say to him. When he says that he sits there quietly and doesn't say a word and the woman also doesn't say a word, this is identical to my situation.

Now, I do consider a possibility that there my situaiton is unique in some aspects. In fact when I read most post on WrongPlanet it appears that most people do better socially than me. But this hurts even more, because Brina Siegel told me in 1997 that I am milder than 99.5% of other aspies. But my experience says just the opposite which makes me feel she was wrong; or perhaps my mom lied to me that she told her this (she told it to my mom rather than to me directly) just to make me feel better.



Okay, in order to convince you that I am not ignoring anyone, let me diligently list all of the women who approached me between 2001 and right now (that would be a 10 year time frame). I will go out of my way to include the women I am completely disinterested in (such as schizophrenic girl in item 23) as well as the women I am still obsessed about (such as Anne in item 10) and everyone in between. Despite being all inclusive on this list, it still has only around 30 items. That is, 30 women PER 10 YEARS. This averages to only 3 women PER YEAR. This is very little, isn't it.

Here is the list in time order:

1-3) In the Jewish club that I attended back in 2001-2002 there were probably a couple of times that girls started talking to me. I don't remember exactly how many, but lets just assume it was three times. We won't be too far off. But in all these cases they only talked to me in order to be polite. Also you have to consider the fact that I was comming there every Friday night for a long time. We had hour long dinner every time. Yet I only remember maybe TWO times they talked to me.

Anyway, that Jewish club thing is a prime example of people judging me. For one thing, the director of the Jewish club approached me and said that there were five different people complaining about me. They complained about two things. First of all, my hygine (I smell), and secondly, my conversation tone sounds "accusitory". Now the reason my tone was "accusitory" is simiply that I kept trying to have a conversation and didn't know how to. So my only way of doing so was to try and ask people repeated questions about "facts", such as what are they studying, what exact courses are they taking, and so forth. But this sounds like "interrogation". And, of course, since I was so desperate to get them to talk to me, and they didn't, I got more and more tense, which is what added to "accusitory" impression.

Now the director of the Jewish club took that quite seriously. While I was allowed to continue to come there, she did not let me go to the trip to Israel that is, otherwise, available to everyone who is born Jewish. Thats why I had to go to the trip to Israel in 2006 through another branch of the Jewish organization, since they didn't let me go in 2001 like I wanted to.

4) Back in 2003 I was regularly studying at a restaurant, and woman kept trying to pick on me that I always make the same order and never talk. Looking back, I can see that she was trying to flirt with me; but I ignored her because she was "disraction" from my studies

5) Again, back in 2003, there was another woman who worked at the grocery store and whenever I was making my purchases she tried several times to talk to me. And, again, I was trying to cut the conversation short because I was "on my way" somewhere and she was "slowing me down". The very last thing I remember was that she made a comment to someone "actually I am in love with that guy". The other girl asked "whom?" and she responded "the guy who comes here, never talkes". At that point I remember wondering whether or not she meant "me"; if I were to have any clear indication that she did, I would have started talking to her as well since she was quite nice. But I didn't have enough balls to ask this question. So I was left not knowing.

6) Again, in 2003, there was a woman at yet another place I was studying in who noticed how diligently I study and tried to talk to me about what I am studying and stuff. This time, however, it was one-time event whereas with the previous two girls they kept trying to chat me up over and over.

7) In 2004, I had a roommate who started to talk to me herself. This time I didn't ignore her and she started to invite me to family events and stuff. But then she started to be over protective of me due to my Asperger and I didn't like being treated like 5 year old so I no longer liked her. Also there was some dramma involving her trying to "protect me" from the landlord who tried to "take advantage of me". I no longer remember what it was about; it was too long ago. But it culminated in the landlord kicking both of us out of the place. Then, when she found a new place, she arranged for me to move there and at first I agreed. But then I got scared that I was basically committing myself to being treated "like a five year old" so the last moment I found my own place and lied to her that hte reason I didn't want to move in with her is that "I was afraid of the old landlord finding out". As a result of this she got mad at me and stopped talking to me.

8-9) Back in 2004 I went to the pharmacy store and asked them if there is any suppliment that can help me with Asperger. They asked me what I was complaining about, and I started talking about how I can't make friends and don't know how to do small talk. Then when I was paying for the suppliment they suggested (which by the way I never started taking; I simply forgot about it and misplaced it somewhere) one of the girls said "don't worry about it it will all work out", and then she started to try to talk to me and asking me what I am studying and such, and the other girl also joined in trying to talk to me. I guess due to Asperger I didn't process fast enough that I should have stopped to talk to them since I was "on my way". But I did appreciate their attempt although it was at hte time when I already walked off.

10) There was a girl who approached me in math class. In this case I actually became interested, but then a bunch of dramma happened that resulted in HER rejecting me. I am still obsessed with her to this day -- she would be the TOP choice of a girl I want to have. Here is a post with details of what happened: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt5922.html

11) In 2006 there was a woman in Jimmy Jones who also kept trying to talk to me repeatedly, and I kept cutting it short because I typically came there in the middle of a night and was "on my way" to come home and go to bed. But she was quite persistant in trying to talk to me every time I came. It only stopped when she moved to another state to go to school.

12-13) There were two separate girls who approached me in the ten-day tour to Israel in 2006. But in both cases they only did that because they felt sorry for me. The first of these two girls actually approached me in order to talk about this very issue and SHE was asking ME what will I do once I am back from this trip and how hard she thinks it is for me. The second girl started talking to me on a completely separate occasion; but still on this trip. However, she approached me only IN RESPONSE to my telling to people (don't remember whether I was telling this to guys or to girls; probably I was just speaking to a general public) that no one ever likes me and she was telling me that she likes me; but she probably was lying to me in order to make me feel better.

14-17) When I was going to bible study in the Adventist club in 2008 there were probably four girls who tried talking to me. I believe I ignored two of them (one of the two girls I ignored was black so that was why I ignored her; the other one was white and I actually like her but she only tried talking to me right before bible studies when I was all looking forward to listening to the cermon), but I made semi-friends with the other two. Speaking of these second two girls, one of the second pair of girls one of them was married so she is clearly not dating material; she moved away eventually. The other one of these two girls I had bible study with. But again I don't think she would have dated me even if I wanted to for the simple fact that I am not Adventist and I don't belive they are allowed to date outside their faith. Also the other thing is that both of these girls were of Asian descent so I wouldn't have been interested in them anyway.

18-19) When I was dating Jennifer, her two best friends (Beth and Heather), would always try to talk to me. But in this case this is to be expected: I mean I was a serious boyfriend of one of her close friends.

20) When I just came to India, in 2009, one girl who shared the office with me was very friendly towards me and talked to me a lot. But later I found out that her friendliness was not genuine. After all, a couple weeks later she complained to the authorities about my not taking shower instead of telling me directly. As a result, I started avoiding comming to my own office and would routinely walk away the moment she comes in; although she kept trying to be friendly and tell me that I don't have to leave and that she is okay with me. But actions speak louder than words. If she is truly so nice, why complain about me to authorities and ruin my reputation in the institute?

21) In my previous institute in India, back in December 2010, there was one girl who talked to me and invited me to come to Christmass. But I was not the only one invited. She was inviting several people and it was going to be a group of like 5-10 people. However, the next day, when I was about to go and was waiting for the rest of the people, some people began to move so I asked "are you going"? They didn't understand me. When I repeated several times and they still didn't understand me, I said "why don't you fucken Indians understand any English". And, in response to that, that same girl who invited me said "you are not allowed to come to this". Then I started arguing with them that I am "sorry" for saying it so why can't they let me go; their only response was "don't talk to me".

22) Probably around January 2011, a daughter of one of the professors was visitting campus for some reason (don't remember what it was) and she talked to me for five minutes or so. Again, though, she was Indian; and the conversation was just a friendly chit chat, nothing more.

23) Again, in January 2011, I was working with some professor for a short while. He had one female student who was schizophrenic, and she tried to talk to me. In this case, I actively engaged in talking to her, mainly because I was interested in her schizophrenia, and I kept asking her a lot of questions. Surprisingly, she was never insulted by any of the questions and was answering all of them. She also asked me about whether I have it too, and I said no but I have Asperger, and she asked me questions about me as well. But anyway, I don't really count it because she is clearly disabled. For one thing, her tone of voice is very monotone and her thinking seems to be slow. I am pretty sure that she has some other developmental issues that doctors overlooked. I mean, schizophrenia can't explain why someone would be so "slow" and look disabled unless they have some massive side effect from meds or something.

24) That professor I was working with was collaborating with a couple of students from a nearby school; these were a boy and a girl who were dating each other. They were visitting the place for the seminar in March 2011 and both of them tried to talk to me. But again, you can't count her as a dating material given that she was already dating the other guy.

25) When I switched from one place to the other in India, one postdoc at a new place introduced me to a girl who is friend of his in May 2011. I guess you can't count it strictly as "her approaching me" since HE approached me WITHOUT HER and then ARRANGED for the two of us to meet each other hte next day. Anyway AFTER we met that girl approaches me from time to time. She is also from Russia just like I am; also she is a postdoc in mathematics and to me the girls with advanced careers in math or physics are the TOP priority; so we have a lot in common from this point of view. But I guess there are otehr things that rule her out. For one thing, she is only here for two months and is about to return back to Russia. Also, at least if I judge from the fact that she had 8 year string of different postdocs she is probably around 40 years old, while I am only 31. She is also quite negative about everything; the only topic she ever talks about is how bad it is in Russia and how bad it is that she is "forced" to go back there without any other options. She also doesn't have any friends at all -- the only person she ever talks to is that person who introduced me to her; otherwise she always sits by herself and never talks to anyone else.

26) In June 2011 there were two female visitting students who approached me. But they only asked me few quick questions on how I was doing and then they had to take off. Anyway, they are probably a lot younger than me, seeing that they are only undergrads and I am a postdoc. Also, they were only short term visitors so they are probably not around any more.

27) The girl in the weight loss program you have mentioned who tried to talk to me.

Anyway, obviously it is hard to remember "everyone", so lets assume that I forgot 3 women or so. So I had 30 women approach me WITHIN 10 YEARS. This means 3 women per year. This is very little isn't it.

Last edited by Roman on 10 Aug 2011, 1:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

the language does matter because it reflects how you feel about the women... and again, it doesn't matter to me at all. but it probably matters to *them* how you feel about them. you hold a great deal of negativity towards them, and i would not expect them to show any respect for you.

You clearly dont understand my view on things in general. I don't think any less of them, i don't respect them any less, i do think some women deserve to be called a skank! i think its just absurd to instantly assume that its such a terrible thing for me to just go ahead and call it how i see it. would you say im a bad person for calling an actual whore a whore? do you think that these women i speak of are NOT loose? I dont understand why its such a bad thing for me to call a girl a skank, I'm sure they have plenty of names for me.

Also, I don't expect a shred of respect from others, respect is earned. I think i have much more respect for my fellow man then they have for me.