Do dateless men have a right to be picky?

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I don't totally agree with gsilver.

Lowering standards is a bit of a zero-tolerance-all-in-one-phrase. Maybe there are different levels of standards.

Lets say that I am only willing to date a girl who is an atheist or agnostic. I am also not keen on body modifications (such as tatoos). So if I date an agnostic girl who has a lot in common with me except that she has a few tatoos, does that make us not right for each other?

edited to make sense

Last edited by rincemeister on 06 Sep 2006, 6:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I would like an Aspie with similar interests as mine. Long distance would not be a problem, because I would rather have a perfect match who lived across the country, than someone I was not really compatible with who lived close by.

Tim

Manny women feel unattractive because of their personalities as well. Every human being is a unique individual with unique problems, please don’t make generalizations.

As difficult is it is for me to meet people, I can afford to be a little picky. I have been criticized for being too picky, and could have been described as elitist and snobbish.

Tim

Women with AS don't have it easy.

We have it a lot harder than NT women. So, guys might approach us.. big deal. Imagine how we feel when our AS scares them off after that.

I'd agree that AS is a bigger impediment for men than women, mainly because men aren't so much valued by their looks, at least not so much as women. So one could take that to mean that personality is more important for men than women. That's hardly saying AS women have it easy, though. Personality is still a big factor, whatever sex you are.

True, a lot of AS women never find lasting love and are stuck in bad relationships.

I think that even really hot women with AS (I've seen some of your pictures!) have a lot of trouble romantically. Maybe (and that's a big maybe) they don't have trouble with getting men to ask them out (they probably still do in all honesty), that doesn't mean they're going to have a good relationship either.

I think AS women have it easier, but I would be very surprised if any woman with Asperger's had an easy time dating.

I think when your an AS guy with looks that experience is identical. Often times if you have passable social skills and are good at preventing any kind of damage over obsessions or personality quirks. Still though, to actually be attractive to the opposite sex once they're done giving you the eye or telling a friend that your cute means you have to actually be the kind of person who's as 'all about' certain skills, like sportbikes, cars, starting businesses, something ambitious that takes talent and shows you're a go-getter. If not that at the minimum you have to be not only pretty good for the most part with quick humor and one-liners but your overall personality has to really conform well to society in general - you have to almost on impulse be able to say exactly what the person next to you would have said if they saw the same thing (the same way they'd say it), you have to have the right attitudes on things, see the same things while observing situations, come up with the same kind of jokes about what you saw, its a real sharp straight and narrow and the more precisely your on that straight and narrow the better your chances. On the other hand while a lot of higher functioning aspies can at least get themselves to respond the way other people would we'll still only be able to come up with a good or clever one liner maybe 1/4 the amount of times an NT would, only catch things in real time at 60-70% of the rate they do and even then only be able to show our awareness back to them on half of that at best - that's pretty much like running a mile race and having a finish time that's like twice or 3 times what the second-to-last had, its saddening when even being willing to put in like 10x the effort other people would leaves you in dead last. That all said, all the work put in to 'get it' and know what to do and your still way behind because your still not innitiating things but rather a reacter, that in and of itself makes for a bland person who almost any NT worth their salt can still spot out pretty quick and its not enough borrowed grace to sell anyone on ourselves (well, friends and aquaintences of the same sex usually cut you a lot more slack and let being a good person with your head on straight bridge the difference - in the relationship world though, hell no, it's almost all performance or appropriate misperformance based).

Also, you know how a guy who was really checking you out assuming you were someone else gets real bitter and if their a coworker starts being really cold and dickish for the next few weeks like you really dissapointed them that much or like you did something to em? Same thing here - usually about the only way a guy can tell if a girl is safe to even deal with is whether or not she'll actually talk with him, if she flirts at long distance and at times that really seem just odd or inappropriate its usually a good sign that she's just cloud 9'ing on looks, writing in his personality, and will even get uglier on him when she finds out that in her books he's a complete loser and has no personality (in the social heirarchy, schmoozing game, and prestige sense at least). When you deal with that enough it almost pisses you off when someone's flirting with you because while you still put on a good show as not to be socially abrasive your thinking in the back of your head "Great, I'm out with my friends trying to have fun and here comes someone who's gonna kill my high - accchhk! Just go away".

The dating word in general sucks for all of us and its funny how the more you think you have ironed out of the social flaws you have the more impasses you realize were waiting right behind the ones you just got taken care of. Eventually you get to the ones where you realize that no matter how much effort you put in to overcome them they're just too wiring based and even if you could it would leave you so drained that you'd lose any natural grace about the situation and probably hate it from the start.

Bad, bad, bad idea. Been there, done that, watched my group of friends nearly shredded by the breakup. Do not, repeat, not date a friend unless you both are pretty certain that you are "The One" for each other. And if at all possible, keep it on the QT until you've been together for a while and things seem to be working out. Breaking up with a friend-turned-lover is almost as bad as a divorce.

Ofcourse everyone has a right to be picky. Whether it is sensible or not in the particular situation is another matter, but that is their own business, and they have a right to be picky even if it is to a ridiculous extent. Maybe sometimes they are foolish to be so picky, but nevertheless it is their right to be picky if they want.


Thankful for ANY female attention? That sounds very pathetic. If they are thankful for ANY female attention, then there must be something wrong with them, and they should work on fixing/improving themselves.


So he is a fool. But he still has the right to be foolishly picky.

Sure, anyone has a right to be picky about dates, and most men could benefit from being more picky about the personality of the "ideal" date. And if he can't find a Miss Right, he should consider lowering his standards.

The thing here is that, if done right, will weed out potential dates who are incompatible with him. However, a picky man shouldn't complain about being dateless, since if he desperately wants a date, it's an indication that either something is wrong with his attitude, he's too picky, or he just isn't looking hard enough.

And by the way, things like being picky and "just be yourself" are supposed to help you find the RIGHT date, not pick up any date. Quality, not quantity.

Quality and quantity...the PERFECT way to think. I agree with you 100% on that one.

Tim

Hmmm... I'm a guy and I believe Aspie women have it AT LEAST as hard as we Aspie males do.

Thanks! I learned this from experience. I've found it's better to be dateless than to be dating the wrong girl. But a large part of that is probably due to my asexuality--since I don't crave sex, I need something other than physical appearance for me to keep a girlfriend.

Last edited by AmyRose on 07 Sep 2006, 5:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think it would also depend on the extent (mild, moderate, or severe) that a male or female has AS.


For example, I am the mildest of mild and I am male. Any milder, and I couldn't be on WP.

Tim

I didn't mean all guys, just a few. And that I've heard it more than once on here.