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My thoughts on "You'll find someone if you stop looking

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hale_bopp
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14 Sep 2011, 6:45 am

Toasters make the best long term companions.



Moog
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14 Sep 2011, 6:57 am

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRq_SAuQDec[/youtube]


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bucephalus
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14 Sep 2011, 9:39 am

Henbane wrote:
... a deep and meaningful relationship with a guinea pig or toaster...


well, i find with toasters, if you do infact 'stop looking' and go with the flow something will always pop up. As for guinea pigs, i think you will find all charges were dropped and my case never went to court :oops:


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Tim_Tex
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14 Sep 2011, 9:45 am

Yo mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster.



nick007
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14 Sep 2011, 10:38 am

I found my ex girlfriend when I wasn't looking or even wanting a relationship but I wasn't looking for the 1st 20 years of my life & didn't have anyone till then. I spent 6 years sense looking & didn't have any luck but bad till I made a post here about it & I really lucked out :D So in my experience; I lucked out by not looking; actively looking & appearing very desperate worked better than actively looking & appearing not as desperate but in the end it was all a matter of LUCK/random chance


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mv
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14 Sep 2011, 10:41 am

Henbane wrote:
For a long time I was mentally closed off, and emotionally self protective. During that time I had no wish or thought of love or relationships. And none happened.



Henbane, how did you break free of this mindset? Was it gradual and natural or was it forced and purposeful?



hyperlexian
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14 Sep 2011, 11:01 am

bucephalus wrote:
Henbane wrote:
... a deep and meaningful relationship with a guinea pig or toaster...


well, i find with toasters, if you do infact 'stop looking' and go with the flow something will always pop up. As for guinea pigs, i think you will find all charges were dropped and my case never went to court :oops:

we need to talk. :lol: (note to self... do criminal record checks with all future boyfriends...)

and lol about the toasters! (i see what you did there)


about the topic... when i am single i am always open to meeting people or having a relationship, so although i might not be "looking" i would be "available". i think people could have a problem when they become frustrated and embittered in the pursuit of a partner. the brewing negativity is anathema to the possibility of any relationship. i think maybe the idea behind advising people to stop looking is basically suggesting that they chill for a while, work on other things, have fun in other areas of their life, and allow the desperation to subside. then, when they are in a more balanced and happier place, they may be more attractive to potential partners.


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Henbane
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14 Sep 2011, 12:43 pm

mv wrote:
Henbane wrote:
For a long time I was mentally closed off, and emotionally self protective. During that time I had no wish or thought of love or relationships. And none happened.



Henbane, how did you break free of this mindset? Was it gradual and natural or was it forced and purposeful?



It was very gradual I think. Even 4 or 5 months ago I wasn't open to it. My marriage was quite difficult, and ended badly (3 yrs ago), and it had made me very unstable. I had to learn some lessons, reflect on what went wrong and what I really wanted out of life. Also I think I had a lot of unresolved issues from childhood, and had spent very little time outside a relationship since the age of 16, so it was a time of becoming more independent and getting to know myself better. Since I felt happier in myself, more harmonious, then I have become more willing to be vulnerable again.


As for bucephalus and Mooog....
my guinea pigs have made a note of your particulars and will be conducting thorough investigations into you both.
:P



hartzofspace
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14 Sep 2011, 1:14 pm

hyperlexian wrote:
i think maybe the idea behind advising people to stop looking is basically suggesting that they chill for a while, work on other things, have fun in other areas of their life, and allow the desperation to subside. then, when they are in a more balanced and happier place, they may be more attractive to potential partners.

This is very accurate. Only in looking back, can I see how becoming bitter and entitled may have made me appear off-putting to others. Only when I went through a long period of not even being interested, did things change. When I once more started putting myself out there socially, I was at the time more interested in just getting out of the house and socializing, period. I was concentrating more on having fun, lightening up, and working on my social skills. And that is when I met someone!


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mv
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14 Sep 2011, 1:19 pm

Henbane wrote:
It was very gradual I think. Even 4 or 5 months ago I wasn't open to it. My marriage was quite difficult, and ended badly (3 yrs ago), and it had made me very unstable. I had to learn some lessons, reflect on what went wrong and what I really wanted out of life. Also I think I had a lot of unresolved issues from childhood, and had spent very little time outside a relationship since the age of 16, so it was a time of becoming more independent and getting to know myself better. Since I felt happier in myself, more harmonious, then I have become more willing to be vulnerable again.


Thanks, Henbane. I just passed the 4-year mark since my divorce and though I've dated (a lot! :wink: ) nothing feels *potential*, so I've been looking inward at what I can change (for the last year or two). I feel harmonious, I even feel "open" to new experiences (and I socialize a lot, in different venues), but I must be missing something, somehow.

I've always been independent, it could just be that the natural interdependence of a good relationship is the foreign thing, for me. I'd like to change that.



League_Girl
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14 Sep 2011, 2:32 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
As mentioned by Grisha in a thread.

I think it all depends on what you're like normally. I mean, if you do a lot of things and get yourself out there and meet lots of people, men and women as friends and people to chat to and even know superficially, appearing less desperate for a date might make the women/men you already socialise with see a more positive side of you.

If normally you don't do anything or very much, then "You'll find someone if you stop looking" is pretty much never true unless you have an *EXTREMELY* good stroke of well, unpredictable luck. IE: You go to the supermarket and find your love there. (very unlikely.. but it probably HAS happened)

I'm more inclined to believe the first paragraph I've written here is what the people meant when they came up with the phrase.

Thoughts?



I was true for me. I found my husband when I wasn't even looking.

Maybe that phrase comes from experience.



Moog
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14 Sep 2011, 3:54 pm

mv wrote:
Henbane wrote:
It was very gradual I think. Even 4 or 5 months ago I wasn't open to it. My marriage was quite difficult, and ended badly (3 yrs ago), and it had made me very unstable. I had to learn some lessons, reflect on what went wrong and what I really wanted out of life. Also I think I had a lot of unresolved issues from childhood, and had spent very little time outside a relationship since the age of 16, so it was a time of becoming more independent and getting to know myself better. Since I felt happier in myself, more harmonious, then I have become more willing to be vulnerable again.


Thanks, Henbane. I just passed the 4-year mark since my divorce and though I've dated (a lot! :wink: ) nothing feels *potential*, so I've been looking inward at what I can change (for the last year or two). I feel harmonious, I even feel "open" to new experiences (and I socialize a lot, in different venues), but I must be missing something, somehow.

I've always been independent, it could just be that the natural interdependence of a good relationship is the foreign thing, for me. I'd like to change that.


I've seen this... some people can be so self contained that it's hard for someone else to even bring something to the relationship, because you're basically complete unto yourself.

It could be that you've just not met the right candidate, though.


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zen_mistress
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14 Sep 2011, 4:03 pm

There is that woman who finally got married in her 80s. Better late than never I guess.


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rasol
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14 Sep 2011, 4:18 pm

I think that statement is just as absurd as the saying "there is someone out there for everyone".

The reality is that not everyone finds romantic love and that many people die virgins without ever knowing love.



Surfman
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14 Sep 2011, 4:26 pm

Spirit often brings 2 people together 8O

Relaxing like a sacrificial lamb in spirits arms often delivers you into the arms of a suitable other...

Small clues will exist to hint at whether spirit was involved. Often only tiny clues

Not all with eyes will see, or have well meaning guardian angels....

Spirit usually chooses better than you or your friends would choose, and spirit is well connected with powerful friends

Personally I'm rulled by my ego and I prefer black magic, so I carry scissors in case I need to snip a lock of hair



hurtloam
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14 Sep 2011, 4:52 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
i think maybe the idea behind advising people to stop looking is basically suggesting that they chill for a while, work on other things, have fun in other areas of their life, and allow the desperation to subside. then, when they are in a more balanced and happier place, they may be more attractive to potential partners.

This is very accurate. Only in looking back, can I see how becoming bitter and entitled may have made me appear off-putting to others. Only when I went through a long period of not even being interested, did things change. When I once more started putting myself out there socially, I was at the time more interested in just getting out of the house and socializing, period. I was concentrating more on having fun, lightening up, and working on my social skills. And that is when I met someone!


I had several huge arguments with a friend because she kept saying to me stop looking and you'll find someone. If i had known that this is what she meant i wouldn't have been so angry. I thought she was telling me it was time to give up and just accept passively what life throws up. I was thinking but if i did that with any other aspect of my life, ie career or any other goals i wouldn't succeed. You dont get something if you dont make an effort to get it. But she meant i should chill and enjoy lifwe. I wish she had just said that instead of expecting me to know what she meant.

If i'm honest any time i have fallen in love it has been an accident, so to speak, never the guy i was persuing or whose attention i was desperate to get, always a guy (always unavailable) on the edges of my periferal vision.