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HELP! Dealing With Doubt

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tronist
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11 Nov 2011, 12:32 am

hyperlexian wrote:
ok i'll add to that. if you want her to know that you actually care for her as a friend and don't mean to hurt her, you will need to realllllly talk to her. it's not easy.

if you had sex with her (not sure from what you said if it was just cuddling or something more), she is likely gonna feel very upset if she's had that happen before where a guy slept with her and dumped her.... cuz even if you see your motives as different, in the end the result is the same.

but theres noooo chance i'll be able to express myself that well. i write well, and communicate very well via text. when i get stressed out i shut off super bad, and i cant express the way i feel at all. i'll get out a few bare minimums, but no where near the level of depth as a letter could..

are you sure its not ok to just be with her and give her a letter to read when you are in a neutral / safe place (like the park when no one is there)?

by the way, i'd like to thank everyone for all their dedication in helping me. none of you really know me but you've all helped so much, so thank you.



hyperlexian
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11 Nov 2011, 12:49 am

no, it's really not ok. you mentioned multiple times that she was hurt quite badly by men in the past. you can be better than them if you give her some dignity and respect.



tronist
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11 Nov 2011, 12:59 am

hyperlexian wrote:
no, it's really not ok. you mentioned multiple times that she was hurt quite badly by men in the past. you can be better than them if you give her some dignity and respect.
ok. to summarize what i said earlier (so i actually get the important bits across), could i just tell her something like:

"samantha, you deserve the best. you deserve someone who will be able to love you 100%. this someone isnt me. i just dont feel that special spark required to make this work"

i mean.. do i have to explain why, or is it ok to just say the above and leave it at that?

i feel so terrible about all of this. i know i'll make her sad when i break up with her.



yellowtamarin
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11 Nov 2011, 2:25 am

Hi tronist,

I was wondering, since you don't feel confident that you would be able to express how you feel verbally, could you possibly explain this to her, give her the letter (in person), and then discuss it? That way what you need to say is out there, and you can then chat about it rather than trying to come up with the perfect words in the beginning.

Also, if you go with the words you wrote earlier, I'd leave out the bit about crying in her presence. She would still like to feel that all the times you have spent together were fun/happy/good times, and would likely feel horrible if she learnt that she was resting blissfully while you were in tears.

I don't see an issue with saying the spark isn't there, or you just don't feel the connection, because clearly you have been trying, and there's nothing wrong with that. By cuddling etc. you are trying to make it work, that doesn't necessarily mean you felt it would work long-term.

Hope that helps somewhat.



tronist
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11 Nov 2011, 4:35 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
Hi tronist,

I was wondering, since you don't feel confident that you would be able to express how you feel verbally, could you possibly explain this to her, give her the letter (in person), and then discuss it? That way what you need to say is out there, and you can then chat about it rather than trying to come up with the perfect words in the beginning.

Also, if you go with the words you wrote earlier, I'd leave out the bit about crying in her presence. She would still like to feel that all the times you have spent together were fun/happy/good times, and would likely feel horrible if she learnt that she was resting blissfully while you were in tears.

I don't see an issue with saying the spark isn't there, or you just don't feel the connection, because clearly you have been trying, and there's nothing wrong with that. By cuddling etc. you are trying to make it work, that doesn't necessarily mean you felt it would work long-term.

Hope that helps somewhat.
yea. this helped a lot. thank you all for your help.